[Outoftime44]

Very interesting thread brainisadrug, seems like it is tough on both sides. Good luck to you with your OCD treatment


Your situation is very much like mine except I became the girl in a way... needy and insecure... and she told me she still loves me in her goodbye email... in a degrating way... It seems you are both still somewhat on the hook, while I am completely off the hook for now as she has been strong in not communicating with me and being clear she refuses to do so, and I have not pushed for any communication.

[MyBrainIsMyDrug]

Well people are going to be disappointed in me... I got partial NC going for awhile, I say partial because I texted her once in a blue moon every now and then... this past Sunday it was just about 3 months since the breakup and I kept pushing to go for a coffee with the idea that in seeing her I would get a sense of "closure" since we didn't break up in person... so Sunday we met and had a coffee, and she seemed like a completely different person...

A few things were cleared up, she told me it took her 2 months to get over it and she did think about me a bit... I asked if her feelings were all gone and without hesitation she said yes... hurt me a bit for some bizarre reason... It's a relationship realistically that I would never want back again seeing how it was so unhealthy and disfunctional but just hearing that hit me...

She wasn't this image I built up in my mind after not seeing her for about 3 months, which was kind of a good thing. I guess when after you and a person breakup you tend to build up an imagine in your head that they were greater than they actually were (in all aspects, physically, personality-wise, emotionally, etc)

For some reason she felt the need to say things to me like "Guys are looking at me left, right and center" and telling me about guys hitting on her and all this other BS... I don't know what she was trying to do there, she has low self-esteem and seems to have improved that, maybe it has something to do with that I don't know... but I could've done without hearing all that.

I thought maybe seeing her would help me for some reason. Not that I want it back, just that it would help me in some way. All I can say is that it did and it didn't... it helped me in the way that a few things were cleared up but it also reminded me of how she was in the past when we'd broken up and reminded me why I shut her out of my life for a long period... We are I guess pulling the 'friend card'.. I knew it wasn't a good idea but I decided to go against myself and see if it was possible... I don't know if I'm going to end up hanging out with her again, I don't see the point realistically... I guess I just always looked at her as a person I could talk to about anything at any time and I missed her in my life, not the relationship, but just her as a part of my life... but I was fine without her before... I'm so confused... should I really just cut her out of my life entirely?

[vanheart]

"but I could've done without hearing all that"

Yup. That's why NC rules.

Hope you got your closure. Stick with it now.

[MyBrainIsMyDrug]

I just don't get why she would feel the need to tell me that stuff... Seems like its to try and make me jealous or something... Either that or to boost her own self-esteem since she had a major issue with that...

[vanheart]

Doesn't matter.

The point is that if you didn't push to meet her, you wouldn't have given her the opportunity to hurt your feelings again.

No reason to spend time trying to get inside her head.

Put this past you & move on to the next chapter in your life.

One that doesn't involve her.

[Outoftime44]

Your story sounds exactly like mine. Thanks for sharing. Probably exactly how mine would turn out as well if I met her in 2 months.

It's easy for good looking girls with low self esteem to get guys. Pathetically easy, but won't fix their head issues.

[vanheart]

Its funny how 1 person in a world filled with billions of people can cause us to become masochists at times.

To wreak such havoc in our lives.

Only because we continue to let it.

[Outoftime44]

Yeah, it's scary I let this happen. Let it happen past tense.

I should never let someone effect me that much... that's been the biggest lesson of this all. Getting myself under control, realizing what an awful person I became.

Never should one person do this to anyone. Her stress should not have become my stress.

Example:
There was a girl I worked with, another intern at work this summer. All I did was complain to my exgf how dumb she was, how she didn't know anything about anything- I was literally annoyed by her. After the breakup, this girl became a close friend of mine, hugest support regarding this thing, hung out, etc, etc, super nice girl.

I became blind, blind, blind to the rest of the world.

It became pain/pleasure with X. One of the two only. No normal life.

The weirdest thing is that when we broke up the first time in March, I was like sad, but 2-3 days over it. But after being beaten down for 3 more months, convinced I needed therapy, more drama it really added to it all.

[Ths1113]

Wow, MyBrainIsDrug. Some of the things you've expressed in this thread are literally EXACTLY how I've been feeling lately. Although I am younger than you and my ex and I have only dated once, for a year. Our relationship was great, amazing, on some days, and painful and frustrating on many many others. We clung to each other even though we were so obviously not suited for each other. Texting almost constantly and taking every single opportunity to see each other, obsessively.
Our issue was communication. We simply weren't made for each other. We would fight over the silliest things. They would get blown way out of proportion until neither of us could say anything, for our own separate reasons.
What struck me about your initial post was that our relationship too got to a point where we would just "walk away" in fights. We would try to put them away somewhere after they had reached a certain stalemate, walk away, and focus on the love we had for each other instead. This method failed miserably. Same idea. Neither of us really wanted the other to walk away, so that would produce another fight.
Anyway he broke up with me a month or so ago and I find myself absolutely obsessing over our relationship. My brain knows this is best for me; our relationship was so frustrating for the both of us, it wasn't meant to be, blah blah blah. But my heart. My heart seems to control my thoughts more than my reason.
He's the first thing I think about when I wake up, the last fantasy I have as I fall asleep at night. And every time I let my mind wander just for a moment during the day, it turns to him.
All I can say is the best days I've had have been ones where I literally don't allow my thoughts to stray for more than a minute. As soon as they try to lose me in happy memories of him, or agonizing over every second of every fight we ever had, I force myself to get up from whatever I'm doing and find something else. Personally, I tend to turn to the people around me for support. Listening to a friend talk about her mom's party or something is sufficient distraction. Or a really dramatic TV show or movie. Or maybe some "break-up" type music. Something with catchy lyrics about moving on with your life that you can run to. Whatever works for you.
I don't know how long this process is. I know it's different for everyone. But I don't want to waste my life brooding over what could have been, and you shouldn't either. Remember the things that make you happy, the things that made you you before you even met her.
This is a bit cheesy, but in my post break-up devastation I was talking to a friend, and I remember saying, "My world is upside down."
She, being incredibly insightful and a little poetic, replied, "Sometimes that's a good thing. You find all the little things you hid away deep inside your pockets."
Now, you have time for your family. You have time for your friends. You can be YOU.
I know this has been a lot of rambling but I hope you find it a little helpful or comforting. I know when I posted on this site a few days ago, every word of response I got made me feel a little better.

[MyBrainIsMyDrug]

It's weird its like I'm addicted to the pain and the dwelling...

Like you, the day we broke up, and the following couple days I felt a sense of relief because I know it was unhealthy and I should be happy to be out of it... but as time went by it was like a nail slowly being driven into my chest, those first few days it just barely scratched the surface so I didn't notice it at all...

The worst part about it is if I would have listened to people around me, mainly my 2 best friends and my own mom... I would have avoided this situation all together... When we first started talking about a year ago they told me not to talk to her and definitely not to get back in with her... I told myself I wouldn't, we started as friends then less than a month later it developed into a relationship... first month or two was fine but then it just turned into a trainwreck slowly... got slightly better every now and then and then kept crashing... then when we broke up and go back together AGAIN in April we said we'd work on the problems as friends first then get back together, well we got back together without doing anything but discussing the issues, nothing was really changed... and it was possibly the worst its ever been in April and may...

It's hard for me to put myself back in the place I was at in my mind a year ago and the 2 years before that where I had this person completely cut out of my life and had no desire to ever even as much as talk to them... But I know that's where I need to get I just need to find a route there, and NC seems like the only thing that will get me back there... but its so hard... I hold it for awhile but then crumble and send a message just saying what's up or some other small talk

[Ths1113]

Also
This might have helped me due to my young age or inexperience, but another person in my life who I look up to a lot told me that even though I can't see the way out right now, there will be an end to this and that someday, I will find someone that is so incredibly suited for me I won't believe it. His strengths will be my ex's weaknesses. We will compliment each other so much better than my ex and I did.
Even though I couldn't possibly imagine a life or love with someone else right now, part of me looks forward to meeting that faceless stranger that makes a relationship EASIER. It can never be perfect, but it shouldn't be a struggle.

[MyBrainIsMyDrug]

wow, MyBrainIsDrug. Some of the things you've expressed in this thread are literally EXACTLY how i've been feeling lately. Although I am younger than you and my ex and I have only dated once, for a year. Our relationship was great, amazing, on some days, and painful and frustrating on many many others. We clung to each other even though we were so obviously not suited for each other. Texting almost constantly and taking every single opportunity to see each other, obsessively.
Our issue was communication. We simply weren't made for each other. We would fight over the silliest things. They would get blown way out of proportion until neither of us could say anything, for our own separate reasons.
What struck me about your initial post was that our relationship too got to a point where we would just "walk away" in fights. We would try to put them away somewhere after they had reached a certain stalemate, walk away, and focus on the love we had for each other instead. This method failed miserably. Same idea. Neither of us really wanted the other to walk away, so that would produce another fight.
Anyways he broke up with me a month or so ago and I find myself absolutely obsessing over our relationship. My brain knows this is best for me; our relationship was so frustrating for the both of us, it wasn't meant to be, blah blah blah. But my heart. My heart seems to control my thoughts more than my reason.
He's the first thing I think about when I wake up, the last fantasy I have as I fall asleep at night. And every time I let my mind wander just for a moment during the day, it turns to him.
All I can say is the best days I've had have been ones where I literally don't allow my thoughts to stray for more than a minute. As soon as they try to lose me in happy memories of him, or agonizing over every second of every fight we ever had, I force myself to get up from whatever I'm doing and find something else. Personally, I tend to turn to the people around me for support. Listening to a friend talk about her mom's party or something is sufficient distraction. Or a really dramatic tv show or movie. Or maybe some "break-up" type music. Something with catchy lyrics about moving on with your life that you can run to. Whatever works for you.
I don't know how long this process is. I know it's different for everyone. But I don't want to waste my life brooding over what could have been, and you shouldn't either. Remember the things that make you happy, the things that made you you before you even met her.
this is a bit cheesy, but in my post break-up devastation I was talking to a friend, and I remember saying, "My world is upside down."
She, being incredibly insightful and a little poetic, replied, "Sometimes that's a good thing. You find all the little things you hid away deep inside your pockets."
now, you have time for your family. you have time for your friends. you can be YOU.
I know this has been a lot of rambling but I hope you find it a little helpful or comforting. I know when I posted on this site a few days ago, every word of response I got made me feel a little better.

Its not rambling at all, thank you very much for taking the time to read my situation over and offering some insight and details about your own. There is definitely a few things we can relate on as far as our previous relationships went. I have to add that the major difference for me, being that I do suffer from fairly severe OCD, is that its very difficult for me to stop thinking about it when I get caught in a vicious loop... I mean no matter what I do or how busy I can make myself, I still think and analyze the most meaningless things from the relationship and seem to let the few good times overshadow all the misery, like my mind tends to block out all the bad (which was the majority of the relationship) and focus on/blow up the good times... its very bizarre. I can be myself now and focus on myself, my family and friends and not have the stress from her or have to constantly be using my cell phone (I hate using cell phones a lot, I've had my phone for years and the only time I used it heavily was when I was with her funny enough)... I should enjoy this, but for some reason I can't seem to

[MyBrainIsMyDrug]

Just under 3 weeks now no contact whatsoever... Still thinking about her constantly and have had the urge to send a text or call but by god I'm fighting it, its so hard... this is the longest since the breakup I've went with NC... wish me luck in continuing this... I just hope I'm not still always thinking about her in a month or two... she was never worth it

[Ths1113]

I'm here to tell you: have faith! It does get better! I'mfive weeks no contact and the difference I see between today and two weeks ago is huge. I still think about him a few times for a few seconds throughout the day, think about him almost always at night and fight it, but it is not constant. I am becoming me again! Good luck keep it up you're doing a great job. Set your eyes on a day a month from now. You'll be amazed.

[MyBrainIsMyDrug]

Where to start... I broke NC in September about a week or two after my last post here... I was really disappointed in myself... I hadn't texted her for 3 weeks or more and then she text me asking how I am, etc.. I ignore it for a few hours but cave in and reply... Anyway, this went on a couple more times, maybe there was 1 text or a brief conversation in text once a week, or every 2 weeks... so far since that screw up It's been just about a month now with zero contact whatsoever... I have been seeing my doctor and on medication for my OCD and for some reason I still think about this person a LOT, maybe not quite as much as before, but still way more than is comfortable... more than I would think is reasonable by now... It's been 5 months, going on 6 since the break up... just thought I'd check in with an update... I'm doing better, but not much

[vanheart]

Just stay NC.

It takes time to heal.

But after all, its up to you. Not her, me or anyone else.

At some point you will say "Im sick of wallowing over this chick...."

And move on.