[bottomnote5]

I have read a couple of these thread that were previously posted with very good responses. I decided to post a new thread because my question is a bit different. Story goes, we are both divorced. I have kids (2 teens), she does not. I have been divorced for almost 4 years, she has been divorced for almost 5. We have been together for almost a year, and I feel that we share a very special relationship, and I know I love her deeply. My concern is her relationship with her ex. She has been up front with me about that fact that he remains her best friend, the person she calls first when going through something, and parting words after a phone call are "I love you" - "I love you too" - similar to how we end phone calls (a somewhat small point to the matter). I have met him, and he seems to be a great guy!

We have never argued over her relationship with him, and I have even met him, but I am beginning to believe that I am always going to play second fiddle to her relationship with him. She has know him much longer, he obviously knows her better as they were married for 5 years (I was married for 11). We have talked about marriage in the future, and we both seem to agree that we would love to grow old together - and when timing is right (probably in the next year or so) I was pondering asking her to marry me should all remain on current course relationship wise. Lately, however, I have found myself pondering the idea of distancing myself, and allowing her to move on. I really want to tell her to try again to work it out with her ex since they seem to be so connected, and still have seemingly a deep love for one another. That may not be a great idea on my part in light of my interest in a future with her, but I'm not sure if I will ever really have a chance to build a future outside of the shadow of her relationship with him. Perhaps I am crazy, or even narcissistic.

Thoughts?

[AmericanGirl01]

Do you know why the two of them broke up? Was is a mutual break up or was it a decision he made?

If it was mutual, it is obvious that they broke up on really great terms since they remained best friends. Heck, my best friend and her ex are great friends still! They spent years together, broke up on great terms, why lose that friendship? And you said it yourself; this other guy is a great guy! Many people do not believe that ex's can be best friends and that they shouldn't since they will always have that intimacy that was once shared, but I've seen it work just fine.

Has she ever given you any reason to not trust her? She is not with her ex anymore, she is with you. She has told you she wants to grow old with you. If this is something that you can't overcome, then I suggest you sit down and have a good talk with her. If you're planning on marrying this girl, you need to be able to have that open communication. However, it seems to me like she has already reassured you in quite a few ways that she wants to be with you for the rest of her life, you just need to start listening to her.

[talaniman]

A year is to soon to look at things in the long term. I firmly believe if you pay attention in an objective manner, and be willing to learn more about her, and her situation, your questions will be answered. Right now, I think your misgivings are based on fear, and the only way to get past those fears, are with facts, to be gathered through mature conversation, in a relaxed manner.

You have every right to know what effect his presence will have on this relationship going forward, without jealousy, and insecurity playing a part in this. But you will get nothing useful, nor be able to understand those facts, if you let your fear rule over your thoughts, and actions. Quite the opposite, it's a total disaster.

Go slowly here, so you can see and understand any red flags that may be present, but keep your own confidence and self esteem at the forefront! When you are not positive, the negatives only grow bigger.

Don't rush into anything you're not comfortable with, or make promises you're unsure of being able to keep. Its much to soon for that, and what's the hurry if this is a grow old together situation?

[bottomnote5]

Very good responses, and thank to the both of you... and be assured they are both well taken.

Just to respond, they got divorced for a couple of reasons (from what I am told by her of course). The first is that they had planned on having kids, but after a few years he confessed he didn't want any - she did (does). Also they found that they were very different socially. Probably a bit more detail to fully explain than I would prefer to type :)

Slow it goes :)