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Cristoforo · Dec 14, 2009, 10:15 AM

You're right. I'm trying anything to make myself feel better and that includes trying to make it seem like she did something wrong. I know that's wrong of me. I just feel like a terrible person for what I've done. I never want to lie to anybody ever again.

Cristoforo · Dec 14, 2009, 10:18 AM

Another question I have is, had I told the truth from the beginning, do you think she would have reacted differently? I can't help but play the "what if" scenario in my head. She said she wanted a fresh start and to forget about the past, so I'm wondering if she would have gotten past the fact I slept with someone else. I don't see it as being a legitimate reason for not wanting to get back together, since we were broken up and I was single, but you never know with women, especially my ex. That was my fear and that's why I lied. I figured the truth would push her away for good. Stupid thinking on my part.

Imabadman · Dec 14, 2009, 10:21 AM

Don't worry about the "what if's" now. What's done is done. Your energy is better spent on reasoning with yourself as to why you do these things and how to become a better person.

Cristoforo · Dec 14, 2009, 10:57 AM

Well then I am going to try to correct the past mistakes and work on not lying. I just always have to remember, no matter how much the truth may hurt someone, it is way better than the truth coming out after you've repeatedly lied about it.

Cristoforo · Dec 22, 2009, 07:43 AM

UPDATE:

I spoke to my ex last night. She told me that she will never forgive me or forget what I did. She says its over because I lied. She said that she will never trust me again and never want to be with me again.

She says it was the lie, but then says she can't get over the fact that her and I had unprotected sex numerous times after I had slept with someone else. Here's where I get confused and maybe someone can shed light on this.

My one night stand happened in July, shortly after, my ex and I started sleeping together, even though we weren't back together. She didn't ask me if I had been with anyone else until last month, which I lied about, and after which we had unprotected sex once.

So my question is, was I supposed to disclose to her that I had slept with someone one time even though she didn't ask? When we started having sex again, was I suppose to tell her about my one night stand?

I can understand if I had been sleeping around like crazy, but I had sex one time with one person and I used a condom, I didn't know that I was just supposed to voluntarily tell my ex about if even if she didn't ask. She started asking last month, I lied about it, and we had sex once after that.

I know it probably sounds like I'm making excuses, but I just don't know what else to do. I'm so heartbroken right now and I don't really know how to make this situation better. I've realized that there is nothing I can do at this point to change anything. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it.

talaniman · Dec 22, 2009, 07:55 AM

I can't ease your pain, but I can tell you that standing for yourself by telling the truth, even though she might have dumped you any way, was the better way to go. There are always consequences of our actions, or blessing when we do the right things.

If you can't pay the consequences, don't do the actions. It simple, so the lesson to be learned is think before you act.

Your thoroughly heartbroken now, but you will heal, we all do eventually, and the confusion, misery, and pain will be in the past. You just need time to get over this set back. Then you can celebrate your freedom, and enjoy your life.

amicon · Dec 22, 2009, 07:56 AM

You were broken up so I don't think you had to tell her. And the onenightstand wasn't unprotected sex so it was highly unlikely that you'd be passing on an STD.
It's the lying,as you have realised,that got to her and as you said you've made your bed.
All you can do now is heal from the breakup and move on with your life.

Cristoforo · Dec 22, 2009, 08:05 AM

She claims it's the lying, but then says she can't get over that I slept with her NUMEROUS times after sleeping with someone else, even though she DIDN'T ASK. After I lied, we had sex once. So which is she more upset about, the lie, or the actually act, she doesn't seem to make it clear.

talaniman · Dec 22, 2009, 08:12 AM

Probably both, but what ever reason she had would have had the same results, she was going to dump you if you had been unfaithful, and likely had you told the truth. That's why she asked in the first place.

Cristoforo · Dec 22, 2009, 08:25 AM

Wait... I was never unfaithful. We were broken up when I slept with someone else. What makes you think I was unfaithful? She told me last night had I been honest from the start she wouldn't have reacted the way she did

Cat1864 · Dec 22, 2009, 08:36 AM

Originally Posted by Cristoforo

She claims its the lying, but then says she can't get over that I slept with her NUMEROUS times after sleeping with someone else, even though she DIDN'T ASK. After I lied, we had sex once. So which is she more upset about, the lie, or the actually act, she doesn't seem to make it clear.

The lying. The sex is just added on top of the other. For her, they are in some ways intertwined. You know you had 'protected' sex. She knows that you didn't mention anything about the encounter and lied when asked. She doesn't know if she should trust anything else you say about that event. As far as she knows, you could be lying about having used protection in another attempt to keep yourself out of trouble.

I am curious if you told her about the co-worker and the very brief relationship you got out of to try again with her? If those did come up in discussions, but the one-night stand didn't, then there may be another facet of the problem. The difference between "Did you see anyone while we were broken up?" versus "Did you have sex with anyone while we were broken up?"

Romefalls19 · Dec 22, 2009, 09:14 AM

I am going to go against the grain here. I don't think he should have told her what he did during the break up. They were broken up, it was protected so in reality there were no risks, therefore no reason to disclose that information to her. I have seen countless threads on this, and everyone usually goes with the not telling side, now the change. I understand the lie, normally I can't stand liars, but this one, I can see why. She really had no right to know this.

Cristoforo · Dec 22, 2009, 10:02 AM

It's like I don't know who to believe or what I should have done. I had PROTECTED sex with one person, one time during our BREAKUP. Was I supposed to call my ex up minutes after that happened and tell her what I did. When we started having sex again, my ex didn't ask about it right away. It wasn't until months later that she asked. There was really no risk to her health whether she thinks there was or not. Should I have told her when she asked, YES. But she can't get angry at me for sleeping with her after I slept with someone else, when she didn't even ask about it. She has every right to be upset about the lie, but no right to be upset with the fact that I slept with her after I slept with someone else one time and with whom I used PROTECTION with.

talaniman · Dec 22, 2009, 10:05 AM

Personally, I would tell the truth just because I wouldn't have cared what she did with the info.

If she can't handle the truth of the matter, that's her problem.

Once I leave, I disappear, and move on. You have to learn one way or another there is a price to pay for impulsive, not very well thought out actions.

Where I think you Cristoforo, have made an oversight, is back when you were having cold feet about getting married, and changed your mind again, after a few days of reflection. That's when she started to not believe in you any longer, and it just snowballed from there, and gathered enough doubts to make it really hard to survive afterward.

But your in shock, and hurt, and can only remember the most recent events. That's normal, as it will come together for you later, as seldom does one thing break a couple up. Its usually a series of things that have happened.

Cat1864 · Dec 22, 2009, 10:37 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

I understand the lie, normally I can't stand liars, but this one, I can see why. She really had no right to know this.

The problem this time is that he has a history of telling her one thing then changing what he said. It is a symptom of greater problems in this relationship than who he did or didn't sleep with while they were broken up.

Imabadman · Dec 27, 2009, 05:24 PM

Originally Posted by Cristoforo

It's like I don't know who to believe or what I should have done. I had PROTECTED sex with one person, one time during our BREAKUP. Was I supposed to call my ex up minutes after that happened and tell her what I did. When we started having sex again, my ex didn't ask about it right away. It wasn't until months later that she asked. There was really no risk to her health whether she thinks there was or not. Should I have told her when she asked, YES. But she can't get angry at me for sleeping with her after I slept with someone else, when she didn't even ask about it. She has every right to be upset about the lie, but no right to be upset with the fact that I slept with her after I slept with someone else one time and with whom I used PROTECTION with.

DUDE!! Get over the sex part. We got it... you got laid. You were broken up. The problem is YOU LIED.

Say it again... YOU LIED TO HER. You handled it wrong, you lied again and again.

Cristoforo · Dec 28, 2009, 07:48 AM

Originally Posted by Imabadman

DUDE!!! Get over the sex part. We got it... you got laid. You were broken up. The problem is YOU LIED.

Say it again... YOU LIED TO HER. You handled it wrong, you lied again and again.

I am over the sex part. My question is, should I have told my ex about my one night fling before her and I started sleeping together again, even if she didn't ask? I ask because my ex seems to be upset about two major things, 1. That I repeatedly lied to her, and 2. That I slept with her numerous after I slept with someone else, putting her health at risk because of possible STDs. Now, when my ex and I started sleeping together again, after I'd slept with the other person, my ex wasn't asking me if I slept with anyone. It wasn't until recently that she started to ask, and I started to lie about it.

Even if I had been honest from the start, she would have still be enraged that I slept with someone else and then her. So I am thinking that the result would have been the same even if I told the truth the first time she asked. But should I have told her about the one night stand even if she didn't ask? Did she have a right to know that I slept with one person during out breakup?

I could understand if I was going around sleeping with dozens of women without protection, then I feel like my ex should know about that before I sleep with her again. However, it was a one time thing, and protection was used, so did my ex have a right to know about it even if she didn't ask? That's my main question right now. I know that I shouldn't have lied to her when she asked me, but should I have told her even if she never posed the question.

Also, isn't it a little bit over the top for her to be so angry that I slept with someone else then I slept with her? I mean, we were broken up, it was a one time thing, and honestly, there was really no threat to her health. I understand her being mad at the lying, but for her to be enraged because I slept with one other person, then later on I slept with her, is kind of ridiculous.

talaniman · Dec 28, 2009, 07:58 AM

I probably wouldn't have brought it up myself, but the fact is, she did, and you lied about it. Given what had gone on before, this was but a final insult, and hardly the reason for the way she acts now. Its to bad that you focus on one incident, when it was a series of them that explains her feelings, and actions.

So don't trip over this one thing, she had doubts and fears before, and you only confirmed them to her.

Remember you were on the rocks, and broken up, when this happened. So this last incident hardly renewed faith, or confidence to this relationship. That's the way it goes sometimes, when its going bad, its just one thing after another.

Cristoforo · Dec 28, 2009, 08:26 AM

Right, but what I'm saying is... if I had told the truth from the start, would she still have a right to be mad and me and think I did something awful by sleeping with someone, then later sleeping with her? She has it in her head that I did something awful by sleeping with another, then sleeping with her, like I was going to give her an STD or something like that.

You say you wouldn't have brought it up yourself, so it leads me to believe that it is something that if she hadn't asked about it, I shouldn't have said a word. But when she asked and had I told the truth, she still would have been angry.

So I find it hard to believe her when she told me if I had been honest from the start, she wouldn't have reacted that way. If I had been honest from the start, she still would have been mad that I slept with someone else, and then her. And had I been honest from the moment she asked, wouldn't you think it would be unreasonable of her to be upset?

It is these damned if you do, damned if you don't situations that lead me to lie, I know I need to stop that thinking, but with her, I really don't think honesty would have helped, as she would have been disgusted with the fact I slept with someone once, then with her.

talaniman · Dec 28, 2009, 08:55 AM

Your probably right, but don't try and justify your bad behavior. Your lie was but more stuff in the game, that lead to this , so what's your point in making this a big deal? Your relationship was over when she gave your ring back. The rest is fallout from those choices, and actions, you both made.

I mean, so what if she was disgusted you slept with some one else, while you were broken up. That was one lousy nail in an already sealed coffin, and not the bigger issue at all.

The issue you pay attention to is what started the break up, and your part in that. Just go back to the second paragraph in your OP.

Of course all you see is the last thing that happened, and are stuck on it, but as you get through the drama, it will be apparent that other mistakes were made months ago that doomed this relationship.

Its not unusual to keep recycling the last thing you went through, but you do need to stop, and let the entire tape play. That means start at the beginning of this saga, and see what we all see, objectively.