Check out some similar questions!

Jay_89 · Aug 16, 2009, 05:44 PM

First off I'd like to apologise if this has been covered before. I've had a look through the forums but haven't seen anything like my situation so far...

I've been in a long-distance relationship for just over 3 years now. It's my first serious relationship and it's been great. I've spoken to my GF every single night for those 3 years and we meet up every few months and spend a week together and it's absolute bliss when we do. However between those meetings is where problems are starting...

Starting about 2 months ago when talking to my GF on the phone our conversations have started becoming more flat with increasing akward silences. Then my girlfriend said one night that she didn't feel loved. And now more and more often when I ask her how her day was or how she's feeling she always says it was s*** or something along those lines. I'm getting really worried because we used to be able to carry conversations for hours but now we can barely go 1 minute without the flow of the conversation being killed.

I just don't know what I can do at the moment. Any time I try to talk to her to ask her if things are OK at home, with her friends etc I just get "it doesn't matter" in return. I try to get her to open up and talk about things with me but she just gets more agitated and continues to say that it doesn't matter. I know that at times she can get really down and any small thing will get to her and drag her mood really low but I'm getting very concerned now if I can't cheer her up.

I'm worried because I really do love this girl and I'm committed to spending my life with her. I really want to stay with her and help her through tough times but I feel like I can't if she won't talk to me properly.

Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.

liz28 · Aug 16, 2009, 06:00 PM

There is nothing you can really do because you can't make her open up to you. You seem t be doing everything in your power to make her open her but she isn't.

Maybe this is her way of showing you she wants out without directly telling you. I learnt that once communication starts to break down the relationship will follow.

Sometimes people change and there is nothing you can do about it. It take two to make a relationship work not one and long distance relationships are hard.

Btw, do you know if she having any personal problems?

N0help4u · Aug 16, 2009, 06:03 PM

She either lost interest or the distance is getting to her.
Are you permanently away or do you plan on moving where she is someday or her moving there?
I think if you want to save the relationship you are going to have to see what she says about moving closer. Three years long distance I don't see how she survived this long.

Jay_89 · Aug 16, 2009, 06:06 PM

Thanks for your response. I know it's news I don't want to hear but I really want to stay with this girl. Think it's because I'm quite insecure.

She can be really insecure about her appearance. She also gets a hard time at home. She's said in the past that she has arguments with her parents and that's resulted in some insults about her appearance and size.

I noticed it last time I was staying at her house. We'd spent a week together at my house and it was great. Heck we even got a kick out of going to the local supermarket but as soon as I took her home I noticed the change in her attitude.

Jay_89 · Aug 16, 2009, 06:08 PM

We do plan to live together. Problem is she wants to go to University next year and that's another 2 years apart. But immediately after she finishes Uni we plan to live together. I'd even planned asking her to marry me a few months after we've found somewhere to settle down.

N0help4u · Aug 16, 2009, 06:13 PM

What's keeping you from moving with her--at least the same town?

Romefalls19 · Aug 16, 2009, 07:11 PM

Have you tried to talk to her about how YOU feel, not about how she's feeling but express your own emotions to her.

I agree though, if she isn't willing to open up, then there isn't much you can do besides deal with it or walk away

Gemini54 · Aug 16, 2009, 07:18 PM

Could she be depressed? People often react in this way when they feel unmotivated and lacking in hope. Given that you're in a LDR, it makes it very difficult for you to get to the bottom of what is going on.

I'm a great believer in writing - could you not write her a letter telling her how you feel about her and asking her to share what's going on with you? She may feel more able to tell you if it's in the written form and to further explain why she doesn't feel 'loved'.

I also agree with Romefalls19, you may want to tell her (kindly), how her behavior is affecting you. Relationships are a 2 way street after all.

s_cianci · Aug 16, 2009, 07:29 PM

First of all, you can rest assured that this has been covered before. But that's OK ; there's no need to apologize. Now I could go on and on about how I believe that long-distance relationships aren't healthy, aren't really "relationships" at all and are really just a big sham. But, to cut to the heart of your question, I would simply come right out and discuss your concerns with her. Just say something to the effect of "unlike in the past, it seems that we can hardly keep a conversation going any more and whenever I ask you what's wrong or if everything's OK, you're generally non-responsive or evade the issue altogether. This doesn't feel right to me and I really think we should talk about it, with more than just 'it doesn't matter'." You might not like the response you get but she owes it to you and to herself to be truthful with you about what's really on her mind.

Jay_89 · Aug 17, 2009, 12:00 AM

Thanks for the responses. Going back to Nohelp's question, I can't move nearer her at the moment because I don't have the finances to do so. I'm only 20 years old so I haven't got enough money saved up to support a move just now.

In response to Gemini's question, yes I do think she's suffering from Depression. At times it seems like a phase that she goes through every now and then but she get's over it. I just feel helpless because I feel like the time we speak over the phone should be her time to relax and get all her worries off her chest but she's not doing that.

I'll try and discuss what's bothering her tonight and if possible I'll tell her how I feel. I'm just worried in case I say something and it causes her to get upset and inevitably go through that downward spiral effect that comes with depression.

Thanks again for your responses people. They really are appreciated.

talaniman · Aug 17, 2009, 07:40 AM

Three years long distance? With no end in sight? I would be depressed too.

How long are you expecting this to continue, in terms of years? How old is she? If your twenty, you dated her when you were 17, so how old was she?

Jay_89 · Aug 17, 2009, 09:45 AM

At the moment we're looking to move in together 3 years from now but we might be able to live together in 2. And she's also 20 now.

talaniman · Aug 17, 2009, 11:20 AM

Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

Read these, and let me know if they help or not.

jmw0713 · Aug 17, 2009, 12:55 PM

Maybe try letting her come to you/call you instead of you always going to her.

This is a difficult situation. It sounds like she maybe distancing herself from you emotionally, which is not good. Once someone does this, it's only a matter of time.

Long Distance Relationships are super hard to maintain. It can be done, but it's much easier to be with someone who you can see when you want. Read those article that Tal linked to. They are good and may offer some help.

Jay_89 · Aug 18, 2009, 03:45 PM

Thanks for the links, I've had a good read through them and my GF and I follow most of those tips closely.

Good news was speaking to her tonight she was a lot more talkative. Was able to have a proper conversation tonight.

Bad news is that she's sounding like she's pretty much lost all hope for us surviving another 2-3 years apart. She was saying that she's having doubts about our relationship during that time and also having doubts about how we'd be once we finally move in together.

Does this sound like the final turn before you smash head first into the break up now?

talaniman · Aug 18, 2009, 04:17 PM

Her wanting a normal relationship over an LDR, is understandable, and something you need to work together to resolve. 2/3 more years is a lot. That's 5 friggin years apart??

Jay_89 · Aug 18, 2009, 04:30 PM

Yeah it's going to turn out to be a long time. I want to work through it and resolve it but the impression I'm getting from her is that she doesn't.

N0help4u · Aug 18, 2009, 04:31 PM

She may want to but is looking at what looks realistic to her. You sound like a caring guy be a friend and don't push the issue and hopefully time will be on your side rather than against you.

Gemini54 · Aug 18, 2009, 04:32 PM

Originally Posted by Jay_89

Thanks for the links, I've had a good read through them and my GF and I follow most of those tips closely.

Good news was speaking to her tonight she was a lot more talkative. Was able to have a proper conversation tonight.

Bad news is that she's sounding like she's pretty much lost all hope for us surviving another 2-3 years apart. She was saying that she's having doubts about our relationship during that time and also having doubts about how we'd be once we finally move in together.

Does this sound like the final turn before you smash head first into the break up now?

Look, I agree with her - if the prospect is that you're destined to spend at least another 2 years apart, then it's not surprising she's feeling despondent and depressed. She's 20 and feeling, no doubt, that she's missing out on a whole lot of life.

I'm so sorry, but perhaps the best thing for both of you is to acknowldge that it's not sustainable unless you have something more to offer.

talaniman · Aug 19, 2009, 05:45 AM

Why isn't she with you now? I mean what's stopping that from happening?