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jimseekinadvice · Jun 20, 2009, 02:22 PM

Ahhh I kind of see what you guys are getting at. If she really wanted to be with me she would be willing to work through my faults instead of just breaking up with me because of them since that's what people in love do. I realize I was willing to work through her faults etc without having to resort to breaking up and if she loved me she should be able to do the same.

chuff · Jun 20, 2009, 02:37 PM

Exactly. Not only that, her unwillingness to say "this is a issue I'd like to bring attention to" or something similar is a fault she has about faults In other words her flaw is not sharing or expressing herself and maybe you've got that flaw as well but you are learning and improving from the break up, where she is not because she will just repeat her behavior in the future, where as you are changing from experience.

jimseekinadvice · Jun 20, 2009, 03:10 PM

Thanks guys, it really cleared some conflict in my mind much appreciated :) continuing forward I go!

chuff · Jun 20, 2009, 03:28 PM

Excellent. You've taken some good steps today.

jimseekinadvice · Jun 20, 2009, 07:54 PM

Hey all, hmm seems I'm full of questions today haha.. so another thing has come up.. her friends once in a while talk about me and what I've been up to and everything. How should I properly respond to them? I respond usually just telling them a little bit of what I'm up to.. just keeping busy working out etc. hanging out with friends. if they mention the ex and why were not talking or why I'm not going to certain events.. I say can't be friends right now if one of us has more feelings than the other.. then I say best wishes to them and my ex. They respond saying that they understand and hope everything works out and we go on talking about other things. Should I even stay in contact with them? So far it hasn't affected me but fear they might one day just be like "so you hear so and so is going out with your ex?" and I'm not sure how I'd react. I also definitely just try to keep the conversation positive and more about them.

ubersmith · Jun 20, 2009, 11:48 PM

Jim, here's a little personal story. Hope it helps:

I have been through a similar situation in the past 9 months. I was going out with her for 4 years. Since we broke up, the HARDEST thing I had to do in my life was maintaining the no contact rule. After 4 months I was perfectly fine, new girlfriend, new life.

Today, I saw her again... I haven't seen her in 9 months. We went out for a drink and talked for hours, she cried and told me she thought I'd be her husband some day. It was very hard to maintain myself however I did and I'm glad.

As I'm typing this I myself am quite shaken as although I have no feelings for her anymore, I felt very attracted to her and it was mutual (she kept physical contact constantly).

Stay strong man, you're not the only one in that situation. Just keep yourself busy as much as possible, read books, go out, meet new people, give yourself your life BACK.

You'll be fine.

none12345 · Jun 21, 2009, 11:56 AM

Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

hey all, hmm seems im full of questions today haha..so another thing has come up..her friends once in a while talk about me and what i've been up to and everything. how should i properly respond to them? i respond usually just telling them a little bit of what im up to..just keeping busy working out etc., hanging out with friends. , if they mention the ex and why were not talking or why im not going to certain events..i say can't be friends right now if one of us has more feelings than the other..then i say best wishes to them and my ex. They respond saying that they understand and hope everything works out and we go on talking about other things. Should i even stay in contact with them? so far it hasn't affected me but fear they might one day just be like "so you hear so and so is going out with your ex?" and im not sure how i'd react. I also definately just try to keep the conversation positive and more about them.

If they are her friends, don't keep in contact with them.

If they are your friends or mutual friends, let them know you appreciate it if they don't talk about it. They will understand if they are true friends.

wontgohomewou · Jun 21, 2009, 01:46 PM

This thread was a good read. Thanks to all that contributed.

jmw0713 · Jun 22, 2009, 08:44 AM

I stay in contact with mutual friends. We just never talk about my ex, although when she does come up (it happens sometimes), I really don't care. Hearing things about them can be dangerous though, especially if the topic of the ex's new love interest comes up... luckly all of our mutual friends know the situation between me and her and never bring up that part of her life with me or my life with her.

If they know your situation and, like none said, are really your friends, they will not bring up sensitive topics.

jimseekinadvice · Jul 9, 2009, 11:21 PM

Update: well I think my ex is seeing someone courtesy of mutual friend (though I think my ex is trying to hide it).. funny how they say.. oh I don't plan on seeing someone or have flings.. but I just want to have some time alone.. oh well.. I thought it was inevitable anyway haha.. been 1 month+ no contact. It hurt knowing but at the same time I expected it. Also, for some reason, the pain is lessoned much more when you think that if you loved the person, your willing to let them go and be happy even if its not with you. As for me, I'm not really ready to get into a serious relationship, have been doing my own thing. And it feels like I can really let go now killing any remaining hope if I ever had any. Knowing she's seeing someone so soon after kind of sucks, kind of feel if I found a girlfriend first it wouldn't hurt as bad but I guess those are called rebound relationships hehe. Trying to just tough it out. A part of me wants to know who it is but I shouldn't care anyway, it would just possibly enrage me. Thanks for all the advice, I know I would've been a total wreck and lost my mind if I found out while still keeping in contact with her. I have you guys to thank :)

N0help4u · Jul 10, 2009, 03:37 AM

Best of luck... hope you find someone that works out for you that isn't going to do the same thing to you

jimseekinadvice · Jul 10, 2009, 05:26 AM

Hope so to :) hehe. Well its kind of mildly depressing. A part of me wonders if things might've been different if I stayed in contact. But que sera sera, I'll try to enjoy life as best I can.. can't wait till the day I wake up and she is no longer in my head.

jimseekinadvice · Sep 11, 2009, 12:17 PM

Hey all! well its been quite a while since I last updated haha.. okay so my ex is now recently starting to message me on Facebook once in a while (like once a month) after I told her to not contact me anymore back on June 4th. She msged me on what would've been our anniv about something (not really important) and I just made a quick reply and left it at that. Today the msges are still pretty non important and I think are just made to try to get a conversation out of me. I haven't responded to anymore after the one on our "anniv" back in July. She's now actually commenting on my Facebook wall which she never did pretty much the whole however long it has been since we broke up. The no contact has been absolutely essential. I almost feel like myself 100%, I'm smiling and laughing again :) I haven't really found anyone else that has caught my interest.. been really focusing on my career and making new friends. Im not sure how to respond to her msging me, I guess the common response is nothing? Haha. I know I'm pretty sure I still have faint yet lingering feelings. Im feeling so much stronger and better and got my life pretty focused. I know I'm pretty much on the home stretch of this break up I guess I just need some last bit of advice on how to handle it :) I do want to eventually be friends but I'm at the stage of indifference where I can be happy with or without a relationship with her in any way.

amicon · Sep 11, 2009, 12:22 PM

Well done and great you re feeling so much better.well you guessed it-stay NC. Ignore all contact!:-)

jimseekinadvice · Sep 11, 2009, 12:29 PM

Haha nice.. I know people say, if she wants you she'll let you know.. by coming to your house door or calling you etc etc.. anything less is not worth responding to.. but I guess its normal to think that she may be trying to reconnect? (probably false hope getting brewed again) I mean.. it has been like months of no contact, why contact me out of the blue? And though her msges are unimportant, they do refer to things only me and her would consider "msg worthy". And I think the biggest thing the bugs me is that.. I said.. please don't contact me unless you want to work on things.. otherwise I'll contact you when I'm ready to be friends.. so either she's not respecting my wishes or she's trying to send some signals... haha.. may be I'm overthinkin.

I wish · Sep 11, 2009, 12:56 PM

Don't let her mess with your mind anymore. Keep moving forward. Don't open up those old wounds until you've completely healed from this experience. Otherwise you'll just hurt yourself again and you'll have to restart the healing process.

You're doing great, just keep it up!

xadmin · Nov 2, 2009, 03:26 PM

Wow, I want to be in your position. Nice job

jimseekinadvice · Nov 23, 2009, 11:43 AM

Update! Hey guys long time no talk.. well its been like 7 months and I've finally deleted her off Facebook lol.. I really didn't find a need to have her on it.. and she won't be able to contact me anymore from it in order to prevent any set back (which she normally does every few months). I've been doing great with working more, volunteering more, meeting new friends etc. The single life is really not that bad lol. I'd like to let people know who were in the same position as me months ago that it does get better with time. Around the 3 month mark it didn't hurt as much. Still think of her everyday, but no contacting for a while really puts things in perspective.

1. its not worth trying to save the relationship when the other person is not willing to put in the effort.

2. if you really love them, you'd want them to be happy, and if that's not with you then hopefully they find that special someone while you move on to find happiness too.

These two things have really helped me prevent any contact with her. You realize if they were "the love of your life" they should feel the same way about you too.

I know the people on here say things you don't want to believe or feel its too harsh, but in reality, they care about your happiness more than your ex. So stop pining and listen to them! Keep busy! And good luck to all of you!

bswc · Nov 24, 2009, 07:58 PM

Nice, nice nice! We were on the same boat, and now months pass we're together on the other boat already. Keep it up jim! Reading your posts in the past and see how a 2 different person you are, stronger, better!