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rol · Oct 2, 2006, 05:06 AM

Hi there,
We got engaged beginning of the year(it was my boyfriends idea , he's 33), and he wanted to get married this year, however 3 months after the proposal he decided he didn't know if he was ready for married and wanted to live alone to find himself again as he thought we were getting dependent and didn't feel the sparks!
We kept in contact then he started calling regularly, last month we got together and spent the night together , the next time we met however he didn't show any affection, then 2 weeks apart, and then we start going for drinks again but no mention about "us" or anything.Any advice here? How could I bring up asking him what is on his mind?or should I give him more time?

Krs · Oct 2, 2006, 05:11 AM

How long have you guys been together?
And why did u get engaged to each other if it was only his idea? :confused:
Marriage is a commitment, both parties need to be mutually happy about this.

rol · Oct 2, 2006, 05:21 AM

We were together 3 years, well we had never talked about marriage, he proposed and I accepted, of course then I wanted to also! But I think the problem all happened because we had not really discussed what we wanted from marriage.he told me it was like a present for me but he had not thought about what it meant for him. Well now I would be happy just to be boyfriend and girlfriend again and we talked about this when all this first happened when he said not to worry that all would be fine

Krs · Oct 2, 2006, 05:26 AM

You have to both sit together and talk about what YOU want and talk about what HE wants.
Communication is the key in a relationship.

rol · Oct 2, 2006, 05:30 AM

True I agree, the time has come now to sit down and have a good talk.. thanks. Any idea on how to communciate this well in a non confronting way?

Krs · Oct 2, 2006, 05:32 AM

Definitley because if you 2 are under different ideas of what you want out of this relationship its not fair on either party.
Sit down, talk calmly and try your utmost to come to a conclusive mutual decission.

Originally Posted by rol

true i agree, the time has come now to sit down and have a good talk..thanks. Any idea on how to communciate this well in a non confronting way?

Why does there have to be any confrontation!

rol · Oct 2, 2006, 05:37 AM

Well of course I tried to talk about this when it all started in May, but he kept saying that he needs to be alone right now to analyse himself.. I told him then how I would be happy to go to dating again and living separately... so should I repeat all this again?

Krs · Oct 2, 2006, 05:39 AM

Well if this all started in May, it is now October, so I would assume he has made a decission or come to some conclusion about what he wants in life.

Are you currently living together?
How is your relationship presently?

rol · Oct 2, 2006, 05:44 AM

No we live separately now.

We see each other about once a week but nothing intimate except for the night in August , he wanted time to reinvent his life that's why I have not mentioned anything until now..

Krs · Oct 2, 2006, 05:48 AM

He sounds confused to me...

But I would still sit him down, talk and talk and talk about the present and the future, about what you both want as individuals. Talk about your relationship, talk about where you guys stand together and ask him to tell you what he wants but inrespective to you and vice-versa.

rol · Oct 2, 2006, 05:56 AM

Thanks.

Yeah he is confused.really need to sit down and discuss all...

Krs · Oct 2, 2006, 05:57 AM

Absolutley.
Good Luck.

talaniman · Oct 3, 2006, 10:17 PM

Neither one of you really sounds that enthusiastic about marriage so maybe better to wait. Hey folks there is never a hurry.

rol · Oct 4, 2006, 01:52 AM

Hi,
Thanks for replies,
Yes this story had put me completely off marriage in fact!
We were so happy for 2.5 years and never had any arguments and got on so well.And then this engagement made us both too anxious and nervous.
Now I just want him back as he was before as a boyfriend, After 5 months I think its time to talk about what we both want.

Krs · Oct 4, 2006, 02:53 AM

I think it sure is time.
Get things sorted.

s_cianci · Oct 4, 2006, 07:26 PM

You're engaged. That's practically the same as married. And he's as indecisive as that? He had no business proposing to you without being totally sure of himself. I'd put this one on hold for a good long time. Return the ring to him and tell him that if and when he makes up his mind once and for all he may re-offer it to you. There's no guarantee that you'll accept but you'll be keeping your options open without getting into what could prove to be a very heart-wrenching experience if you marry this wish-wash now.

rol · Oct 20, 2006, 06:01 AM

WELL WE Talked, openly and honestly , he basically said he loves me but he wants to be alone , So he said when he has a relationship with someone he can only concentrate on that person and forgets about himself and he does not want that, so I said well we could have independent lives so he said no he wants to be alone and be friends.. he said he has been confused for the last 5 months, the first months he could not stay alone in his place and was out every night.Then he said the only way he can be is to be alone but he really hopes we can be friends and not angry with each other, I said how can I be angry with you, I love you but I cannot be just friends.

Then I started crying and could not talk and I said you are lucky you don't cry so he said he was crying inside. Then he kept asking what I was thinking. So I told him , I am sad because you will realise in some years that I was the girl for you but by then it will be too late... and he will never find another girl like me.
Then I gave him a hug and went to bed , looked back and he had his head in his hands on the table. Can someone just go from getting engaged to wanting to be alone like that? I guess I should keep my distance now and let him see his life without me in it. Sad... any advice for me?

talaniman · Oct 20, 2006, 06:12 AM

Yes he is not ready for the things you are.

I guess I should keep my distance now and let him see his life without me in it. Sad... any advice for me?

Follow your own advice, not easy but necessary.