[daisyrose]

Hi everyone

This is my first time on anything like this so I hope you will bear with me as I really need some advice...

I met a guy on a dating site and started chatting to him. We were on line the 1st night for 9 hours and then the following nights for hours... We eventually met and clicked straight away. We have now been seeing each other for 2 months.. In that time everything was absolutely perfect. We would sit and talk for hours and hours, we had so much in common (we both have our own businesses) , We talked about everything under the sun including our hope and dreams and previous relationships.
He treated me like a princesss, paying me lots of attention , paying for everything when we went out, and we both admitted to each other the sex was the best we had both ever had.
There was no problems in the relationship that I could see and we were always discussing our feelings about each other.
He would come and stay with me on a Friday night and leave on a Monday night and then we would talk on line or he would ring me or text me for the other nights.

He has a very stressful job whereby he has to give it 100% concentration and I know that I must leave him be when he is in work mode but he always found time in his busy day to contact me at least once.

Last weekend I felt that he was being slightly distant towards me and after having a glass of wine too many , I decided to ask him where he thought this relationship was going because I felt that he was distancing himself from me.
He told me that I was an amazing woman and he enjoyed being with me, loved my sense of humour and that he loved me... BUT he WOULD NOT ALLOW HIMSELF TO FALL IN LOVE WITH ME...
He said that he had been hurt 3 times before (he is 38) and would not allow it to happen again.
I said a few words to him along the lines of you don't know what is going to happen in the future and walked out.
I was so angry with him that I felt as if I was banging my head against a brick wall. I sent him an e mail in the morning apologising for coming on too strong and asked if we could just go back to the way things were. He replied straight away... saying a lot of lovely lovely things about me but basically said he wanted to stay friends but not lovers (which crushed me). He said he was too selfish and that I needed someone who would treat me as the most precious person in the world and he feels with his job he can't give me the time I deserve.
Later that night he text me to say he was online and did I want to chat.
I went on line and he was so excited that the work he had been doing that week (so he couldn't see me) had been sold and he was on a real high... He talked to me as if nothing had happened but didn't say anything about seeing me again.

It has been 3 days now with no word from him although I know he has been on msn looking for me but I won't sign on in case I make things worse.

I desperately want things to go back to how they were before I opened my big mouth... Can anyone please please give me some advice on how to deal with this?

[chuff]

It sounds like as the relationship progress he's nervous about being hurt. Maybe he needs more time to get serious. Oh and you spend way too much time talking to him. He needs his space.

[Wildcat21]

Too much too soon.

9 hours?? Yuck!

Come on! You're both have lives.

You don't even need to talk every day the first couple months.

Too fast - too furious.

LESS IS MORE!!

You sound real needy to be talking gso much - work on yourself.

No more smothering - much less contact. Shut him OFF for a while.

[daisyrose]

Thank you for your replies.
Yes I agree it was too fast and too quick... but in all the time I have been known him , he has made all the running. I have only ever rang him about twice, if I am on msn he is the one who contacts me and he went off for a weeks holiday with his family and I never contacted him...

I fully understand that he needs his space and I have my own business and he knows I need mine as well but I must admit when we are together I tend to feel a bit insecure. Its just that I can't understand how he can't multi task and concentrate on his work but find time for me as well...

I really want him back . Do you think the best thing for me would be to do this no contact rule and make him realise what he is missing?

[Wildcat21]

YES! Leave him a long. The only way he will come back is if he misses you - it's a must. Please do this. Contacting will only make things worse.

[sumler]

Honey Life Goes On Some Els Will Come Along

[LUNAGODDESS]

I really want him back . Do you think the best thing for me would be to do this no contact rule and make him realise what he is missing?
Right now he is not what you want.. he is what you need... your needs hurt real bad and he is enjoying the attention he is receiving you and others... if he was into you... regardless of what ever... he would have texted you or left a message just saying... missed you... will call you soon... All artist types are brooding souls and are selfish... life is his art... if he does not call today before 8:00 p.m... you need to view life as art also and look for someone else... get beautiful and go and collect your new muse...

[daisyrose]

Thank you for your replies..
It is now the time when we had arranged to have lunch today and I am sat at my computer working and trying hard to keep my mind off him. It is so hard because he is online as well with his work but he can't see that I am online because I have cloaked myself lol.
You would think at the age of 48 I would have learnt soooo many lessons but this is just so hard... I have always chased after a man to try and make them change their mind but perhaps I have finally grown up after all these years because this time I am absolutely determined not to run after him and contact him.
It is taking every ounce of will power I have but I know you are all correct in what you are saying.

I will take your advice and give him till 8pm tonight and if I haven't had a text or a phone call by then I will never speak to him again even if he does come running.

I have never felt about anyone before in my life like I feel about him and I have had a lot of relationships in my life.. I truly believed that even after such a short time together that I had found my soulmate and from his behaviour and what he said I thought he felt the same..

I could kick myself for getting on my high horse and walking out on him but I have explained it to him in an e mail the following morning so he knows exactly what my feelings are.

He hasn't had a girlfriend since last September and I know he hasn't got anyone else.. ijust wish I could turn the clock back

[Wildcat21]

"I have always chased after a man to try and make them change their mind " - NEVER a good idea. You give up all your power. Guys want a chase as well.

You have to learn to be less available and make him chase some. LESS IS MORE.

You gave too much to this guy too soon.

They are part of your life - not your life. Be busy.

People want what they can't have. Always. Hence not always being available. It's OK to break a date.

[talaniman]

Slow your train down. Re-read your own post. Sorry to be blunt butyou sound like a lovesick school girl who doesn't care what happens as long as she gets her man. Take it slower before you commit your whole heart. For a relationship to work you must both feel the same about each other and from what you have written he is nowhere in the same place as you. Wake up and get more balance in your life without him, or you'll break your own heart by pushing as he runs. Not trying to be mean but just want you to see reality.

[Wildcat21]

Tal - perfect!! I'd rate, but I can't.

GO SLOW!! SLOW!! Did I say slow??

Even WIldcat has problems with this - then remembers to pull back.

[Breagha]

MSN Messenger is the devil. I fell madly in love with a guy through messenger. Month after month of talking to him for at least two hours a day. If you (or he) thinks that just chatting on MSN will keep the feelings at bay... NOPE. Actually, it forces you to get to know a person better (although they can turn out very different in person). Do you look forward to him popping up on messenger a ridiculous amount? If it becomes the high light of your day you should rethink things.

As for expecting him to spend all his time talking to you when he has such a hard job... things change. People get busier. Messenger no long is sufficient. If you want a relationship with him do it the old fashioned way. Make him make time for you... face to face time! Otherwise, who knows. Maybe you just provide an online distraction (I've been there). And if that is the case you should guard your heart.

[talaniman]

I'll bet many a person has been dissapointed when they meet some one on the net. The odds that someone can give you false and misleading info is tremendous and there is no way to see who's lying or not. But then I'm old school and seeing a person face to face is the only way to go. We all know how many predators and players their are prowling for vitims and lonely people. I would be very careful of meeting over the net especially when ones feelings and emotions are involved. I still can't see how one could fall in love though over the net but just being here on this forum I have learned how easily one can be hooked on cyber relations and downright addicted to the people and places the net gives you access to.

[kp2171]

I just see it completely different than you.

Yes... there might have been some overkill at the front side, but it's a common thing to get infatuated and spend a lot of time on someone. Not a great idea, but it happens.

You see this as a failure of yours. I don't. Not at all. You saw he was uncertain. You asked. He told you he was uncertain. That's the truth. That's reality.

Now it might have been more fun living in that place where you both were infatuated. But you really did nothing to cause this... as if your asking him suddenly caused him to question your relationship. He was already wondering and worrying... valid points or not. If you had not asked him you would have fretted, he would have still been fretting, and it would have all happened, just maybe later that day or the next or the next.

So stop kicking yourself about being too forward. You asked a rational question and got a reasonable answer. There's nothing wrong with that scenario other than you don't like the answer.

Banging your head against a wall isn't recommended by 4 out of 5 doctors, but again, I really don't think you did anything wrong. If he saw you were frustrated that might have strengthened his ressolve about the issue, but again, he was already there. Usually by the time a person starts to talk about pulling away they've already been thinking about it for some time.

Stop kicking yourself. Back away and let him figure out if he's willing to pursue you. If he is, fine. Don't go too headfirst into the fray. If he doesn't come back, well you cannot fix him. He might be a great-first-two-months kind of guy and then he's done.

Stop deflecting his uncertainty and insecurities and morphing them into your failures. Stop feeling like you caused anything. A question by you did not cause his emotional baggage.

[Wildcat21]

All this electronic crap kills a relationship

I stay away from even serious e-mails going forward. Text messaging can kill a relationship. Talking gtoo much o nthe cell phone.

My advice is to ONLY spend quality time and talk IN PERSON!! Not on-line.

[s_cianci]

Perhaps he perceives you as being too needy and doesn't feel that he can live up to that kind of expectation. That may be why he calls himself "selfish" and says he "can't give you what you deserve." I'll admit it does sound like he's a little too obsessive about his work, to the point where it's unhealthy, but that's something you really can't control. If you're going to have a relationship with him you're just going to have to live with that unless he eventually comes around on his own. But don't hold your breath waiting for that to happen. It's good that you apologized to him. Now I'd just back off for a while and give him some space. Let things cool off and let him concentrate on his work. Let him see that you're not so needy and clingy after all. That may help to mend things between you and possibly pave the way for things to work out after all.

[daisyrose]

Well further developments have happened this last day

Last night I went clubbing with some friends and had my purse stolen. All my friends had left already and I had had quite a bit to drink. So stupid me went round to his flat.. . Yes I know... a real stupid move.
He had his phone switched off and I could only get into the first set of doors so I didn't get to see him. So I sent him a text message

This morning he rings me to ask what the text was all about and we got chatting and he asked if he could see me tonight
I asked him if he wanted to come to my house and just chill out for the eve but he said he didn't feel comfortable with that and would I like to go out for dinner instead

Anyway I go on line this afternoon and he is there. I tried to ignore him and not talk to him but he was insistant.
So we had a chat and he was very apologetic and I was trying to tell him that all I wanted was fun and no commitment and just to get things back to how they were.

About 10 minutes ago I had a text from him saying
Don't feel like meeting up tonight -sorry

So I just sent one back saying... I agree

I am now 95% convinced that he doesn't want me and hurt so much.

[talaniman]

I am now 95% convinced that he doesn't want me and hurt so much.

You act as this is some big surprise to you. Now back to the no contact rule and slow down on the drinking

[Wildcat21]

QUIT all this electronic crap. Quit it. It ruined this relationship.

Sit down and TALK in person only.

[daisyrose]

Yes I have stayed off msn. However I did send him a final e mail saying that I thought it would be best if we didn't remain friends. I was quite blatant with him and told him exactly what I thought... ie. That if we had laid down some ground rules and talked about what we wanted then none of this would have happened... but now its too late. I had two phone calls from him yesterday which I didn't answer. The last one he left a message saying tried to ring you twice and you obviously don't want to take my calls. I have read your e mail and don't know what to say... if you want to ring me back.. if not --fine!

I didn't ring him back.