[everafterlove]

HI there,

My question is, I don't know if I can get over the fact that my girlfriend, who I'm thinking of possibly marring in the future, has had way more sexual partners than I have in the past. Has anyone been through something like this or any advice in how to deal with this.

If this is something that bothers me now, will it always be there and will I be better of with marrying someone who has had less partners or none at all?

I've been with 2 other girls and I'm 27 years old
She has been with 13+ other guys and she is 23

Everything else about my girlfriend is great. This is the one thing that I'm trying desperately to get over in my head to be 100% happily in love with her, but my mind is not at rest.

I really love her and I've been thinking of marriage in the future but the thing that scares me is that this will always haunt me and that it would eventually weaken our relationship and my image of her as the sweet girl that I see in her.

Anyone had similar experience? Or advice
Anything would help

-4ever-

[JoeCanada76]

What should matter is that you two are together now. The past should not really matter. As long as you know your both free of diseases and std. The past is the past. If you keep bringing up or can not get past the idea that she has had quite the past with men. Then maybe it is better to move on now.

On the other hand, if you trust her right now, your happy right now. Why not let go of the past. Look to her and yourself the way you both are together and make that more important then any past experience.

Best wishes and good luck.

[CrazyThumper]

Hey Everafter- I've been in your shoes man. I met a girl well.. 10 years ago now that had a very permiscuous past. And people even told me about it. Well.. you have to make a decision before you get too serious if you can look past it. Because if it is always going to haunt you, and you are always going to be bothered by it.. then move on. But if you can accept the fact that some people just enjoy sexual activities, and if she wasn't cheating on anyone and just having fun- so be it. She might have been young and dumb too- who knows. The person I dates past is just that- their past. If they are not that person anymore, and they are loyal to you, and love you with all their heart- TRY to take those good things into the relationship.. not something that she can not change.

Many people make a lot of mistakes growing up, even the best of guys/girls. Now I'm not saying those were mistakes to her- but in your eyes it's not very 'acceptable'.. it's up to you man, but don't lose a good girl just because she was having fun growing up. Take her for how she treats YOU now, and how you really feel about her for who she is today.

Thumper

[Homegirl 50]

If you have this problem about her past do her a favor and don't marry her. This is your problem not hers.
Does she know you feel this way about her?

[Alty]

If you had more ex partners then her would you expect her to accept it? Would it be okay with you then?

She's never cheated on you, she slept with these guys before she met you, so what's the problem?

Neither one of you were virgins when you met, you both have a past, you've both had lovers, it just so happens she had more than you.

Is this a male ego thing? Are you feeling threatened because you think she's comparing you to the other men she's been with?

If you can't get past this, then move on, she doesn't deserve to be judged over something in her past.

Just fyi. I'm female, my husband and I are the same age and I had many more partners then he did when we met. He was never threatened by that, you see, he loved me for who I am. What I did before I met him didn't have anything to do with our relationship.

Love her or leave her.

Good luck.

[Janmarie]

Why does it bother you? Could it be a bit of insecurity on your part that possibly there was a great lover in her past that you may feel was more gifted? It would be normal to feel that way but she is with you now and if you don't deal with this either in your own way or you don't discuss this with her it will haunt you for as long as you are with her. The past is gone, those lovers are gone, the future hasn't happened yet so all you really have is right now and you have her right now.

[JBeaucaire]

My only fear in this is that you will not come to a resolution on this issue and move ahead with your relationship anyway. Does she have any idea the possible punishment she has in store for her? Will you warn her?

One of the little truths my wife and I acknowledged out loud years ago in an effort to stop it was this:

"We save our worst behaviors for the people we love the most. We give total strangers our best behaviors."

Sometime, when an argument is getting too heated or unfair, one of us says, "Please treat me like a stranger.." to request more civility from the other person.

Think about it.

My fear is that you won't resolve this in your own heart/head, and will later feel perfectly fine laying hail on her about it. You'll do it directly stating your dissatisfaction, or more likely you'll just treat her badly in other ways over this unspoken/unconscious grumbling in your spirit.

My fear is that you won't ever grasp the real point of permanent bonding with someone... to elevate them, honor them, cheer them, praise them, support them, accept them, and stand proudly/strongly at their side come what may in your lives...

A lasting love is one of quiet admiration, not simmering anger.

Unconditional love is choice. It's not earned. You give it because you love. You do it because unconditional love of another person IS THE REWARD.

What do I mean? Think about the fact that you're here... on the internet... fretting a potentially pointless issue regarding her past. You aren't dating her past, but I understand your concern. Do you understand mine?

You're at the point of deciding what's important to you and what is not. Mature love bears all things, it takes it all in and loves all the same.

Are you there yet? If not, admit it. Do your best not to put her down for a past that has nothing to do with you. You CAN break up with her over it, and it might be honest of you to do that. But don't you DARE break her spirit over it at the same time.

Treat her like a stranger, with all the respect and calm we give to strangers, then decide the issue of "love or not to love".

If you stay, be a man and keep your stuff off her head.

If you leave, be a man and protect her even as you exit the door.

Choose well, but choose absolutely and be noble in the implementation of your choice.

[Jake2008]

Before you, she had a life.

To be viewing her life before you as somehow tainted, or indicative of her character, loyalty, or fidelity now, to you, is unfair.

If you have had only a few partners before her, and she has had many, perhaps you can use her experiences to better yourself?

To be haunted by this in my opinion, shows that you put too much judgment value on a person, where it doesn't belong.

Perhaps if this doesn't work out, you might want to consider some sort of disclosure from another prospective mate, and save yourself (and her) a lot of trouble.

[artlady]

Clearly,she had no obligation to tell you about her past.That would indicate to me that she is being very open and honest with you.

I suggest you do the same and honor her by admitting your concerns and talking it out.Until you can honestly say ,you can let it go.

I really love her and I've been thinking of marriage in the future but the thing that scares me is that this will always haunt me and that it would eventually weaken our relationship and my image of her as the sweet girl that I see in her.

She is still a sweet girl,she is simply a sweet girl with a past.You should never put someone on a pedestal as you are creating a false image that is impossible to live up to.

If you decide to go further with the relationship,it should be on the condition that you have a solemn pact to never throw this up in her face.

Everyone has baggage,some more than others.I suspect there are things you have done in your past that you are not very proud of but that make you who you are today.

In answer to *has anyone else felt this way* Yes !

[everafterlove]

[QUOTE=Jake2008;1640003]Before you, she had a life.

To be haunted by this in my opinion, shows that you put too much judgment value on a person, where it doesn't belong.

About the "Judgment value on a person" that you're talking about,

I mean isn't that an important thing to think about, how you value a person, who you value your potential wife to be?

I mean their past is their past i know that and theirs nothing i can do about it, but it can tell you a lot about a person?

If I'm looking to marry someone, I'd like to know about their past? Not only the person who they are today?

I mean how many partners is too much? 14? Guys? 22? 50 guys?

I mean like if there's this girl that you absolutely love but you find out she's an ex-porn star? And has been in like 75 movies

Would you put a value on her as being possible wife material as compared to a girl that has been with 3 guys or is a virgin?

Is there a number were a guy that's dating a girl would be like, wooow, that's a lot, I'll date you and have fun, but I'd probably never marry you.

Perhaps if this doesn't work out, you might want to consider some sort of disclosure from another prospective mate, and save yourself (and her) a lot of trouble.

that's an idea that would save a lot of time true.

[everafterlove]

[QUOTE=JBeaucaire;1639990]

you're here... on the internet... fretting a potentially pointless issue regarding her past.

Someone's past is not pointless.
Knowing about where they have been, what they have done, the decisions they have made are all crucial, because this is a person I'm not just dating but thinking about marriage.

You're at the point of deciding what's important to you and what is not. Mature love bears all things, it takes it all in and loves all the same.

Is it wrong of me to desire a person that has had less sexual partners for a potential wife in the future?

But don't you DARE break her spirit over it at the same time.

Another point that I have found out is that some of these people she has slept with are her friends.

Does that change anything?

I mean if I'm going out with her and we are hanging out with her friends and one or two or more of them happen to be a guy(s) she has had sex with, do you think there's anything wrong with that?

I mean should I ask her who these guys were? Or should I not say nothing and assume that she wouldn't want to see those people again?
Is it wrong of her to be friends with those people that she had sex with and be with me?
Should she break of ties with these people? Would that me normal?

[Jake2008]

All valid and good points everafter love.

What I wanted to say was that to value a person's past, as indicative of their character and sincerity now, isn't fair. But that's just my opinion, and on the other hand, that you are so sure of what you want, and what you are comfortable with, isn't exactly a bad idea either.

If you do meet someone who really knocks your socks off, I would bet money that her past is not so important as the person she is now.

As artlady said, it would be terribly unfair to go ahead with the relationship, and throw her past up in her face. You either accept it and move on, or keep looking for a more compatible mate.

Either way, I hope that things work out for you. Life is short, don't waste too much time thinking you'll find love again because you may not. It would be a shame to give up on someone simply because they've been sexually active in the past.

I never asked my husband, and he never asked me. The past was, and is, the past.

[JBeaucaire]

I'm not clear how your responses to the lines out of my post actually relate... except for the first one but there you just say you disagree. That I can respect. The others... I don't know, it seems like you didn't actually absorb the context of what I said.

Look, I won't pull out lines and quibble. I'll take your post as a whole and say this... as a whole... "no, no, no and no!"

I suppose we have different ideas about when thinking about marriage is appropriate. Go back and read my first post and each time you read a sentence you don't like, read the whole paragraph again so you get the whole context.

A person's past isn't pointless, but this debate you're having is over a "potentially pointless issue". I say potentially because you DO have to decide what's important to you and what is not. YOU have to decide.

Real love is a giving, accepting, lifting, "oh my gosh I can't believe how much light you bring into my heart" thing. None of this discussion so far falls into that category.

You're examining her PAST as if it's critical in some way without really saying WHY it's important. You ask questions as if the question itself proves it's important. It doesn't. It just proves you're distracted by these things.

This is saying a lot about YOU, not her. Every one of those questions you've asked is more revealing about you than her. And that's actually OK, if you pay attention.

As I said earlier, YOU decide what's important and what's not in terms of your "lifemate's job application". When you decide she's not your ideal applicant, you'll move on. And when you do, you will find some way to do it without breaking her spirit over it at the same time. That's the noble thing to do.

Tell you what, scroll up and read the VERY FIRST SENTENCE in your original post. Doesn't that say it all? Isn't that all you really need to know. Isn't the rest of all this just you trying to rationalize your disconnect from her and make it all her fault?

Isn't it?

It doesn't have to be this way. It's OK to just date this girl and get to know her (and her past) without being Sherlock Holmes-ish about it. It's OK just to go with how you two are together. You aren't together with her past, it's just facts. You're together with her. Right?

And it's OK to not be compatible with someone and move on. It's totally OK. But every breakup doesn't have to be dramatic hurricane. It could just be two grown people acknowledging they're different, wishing each other well and parting friends.

That's totally possible.

[talaniman]

May be to harsh for the sensitive reader

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results

You have been wrestling with this issue a while dude, and honestly, your insecurity has poisoned any love, or hope for a happy future. If your having trouble accepting her past, and questioning her motives, why the frakk are you still there. Its obvious you don't love her enough to forgive, or accept, and at this point, all the justifications, and rationalizing your feelings, and position, means absolutely nothing at all.

What does matter, is what you do about it. If a persons past is that important, then leave her alone, and find a virgin, so at least you can puff out your chest, and teach her to be a woman.

This is your issue, and one male to another, stop pretending you love, and want to marry this woman, until you get over your ego, and solve your own problem. Need some help with that? Go get it!!

Her past can't be changed, but your insecurity can. I suggest you leave her alone, she is way out of your league, and get someone you can handle. Thats your solution.

You can't handle a healthy, adult relationship with her, so marriage is out of the question. Why are you still there, if you know the past cannot be changed, and it bothers you?

Go get help, and do you think she would stay, knowing how you really feel? Obviously you haven't had the nerve to be honest about your feelings, with her.

[artlady]

May be to harsh for the sensitive reader

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results

You have been wrestling with this issue a while dude, and honestly, your insecurity has poisoned any love, or hope for a happy future. if your having trouble accepting her past, and questioning her motives, why the frakk are you still there. Its obvious you don't love her enough to forgive, or accept, and at this point, all the justifications, and rationalizing your feelings, and position, means absolutely nothing at all.

What does matter, is what you do about it. If a persons past is that important, then leave her alone, and find a virgin, so at least you can puff out your chest, and teach her to be a woman.

This is your issue, and one male to another, stop pretending you love, and want to marry this woman, until you get over your ego, and solve your own problem. Need some help with that? Go get it!!!

Her past can't be changed, but your insecurity can. I suggest you leave her alone, she is way out of your league, and get someone you can handle. Thats your solution.

You can't handle a healthy, adult relationship with her, so marriage is out of the question. Why are you still there, if you know the past cannot be changed, and it bothers you?

Go get help, and do you think she would stay, knowing how you really feel? Obviously you haven't had the nerve to be honest about your feelings, with her.

Can't rep you Tal but if we had a star system this is a 10!

[artlady]

This girl is good enough to bed down with and have sex with,but not good enough for you to think of her as the mother of your children.
You need to grow up and stop trying to make yourself out to be some innocent person here.You added to the number,remember that.
Your holier than thou attitude is so immature and selfish,this girl would be better off without you.
If you TRULY love someone,you love them warts and all as the saying goes.

[slapshot_oi]

Know that I'm not judging you, because I actually do the same thing but am trying my best not to. Anyway, here's my story.

I've been with 2 other girls and i'm 27 years old
She has been with 13+ other guys and she is 23

I hear you. I have a tendency to be critical and it's hard for me to deal with that kind of stuff as well. The more promiscuous a girl is the less likely I'll feel like she's dating me 'cause she likes me, but instead because I have a penis. My only long-term relationship was based on this (sex).

At any rate, had you slept with more girls things would be easier because then you could relate. When I was 17, I briefly saw a girl who slept with 16 guys by 17th birthday, and she said she made a lot of mistakes, I didn't believe her, so I never wanted to treat her with any amount of respect even though she was super-nice to me. But now 6 years and many dates later, I can finally see where she's coming from, because I know how many mistakes I've made. I still wouldn't date her, but that's because we want two different things out of life; we don't jive.

On the other hand, the last girl I dated had a number of less than half of mine, but when I'd treat her nice, rub her back after sex until she fell asleep, she'd make comments suggesting I was giving her the same treatment that I did with all my sexual adventures and that she was just another notch in my belt. I really liked her so this bothered me... a lot. I felt so wrong to talk about sex and was reticent to tell her about my past even if she asked. I was genuinely worried what she thought of me and it put me on edge, I couldn't relax and stay cool like you always should in a new relationship. This was a new experience for me that I only realized as I started writing this reply, and we broke up six months ago. It put into perspective how I must make others feel when I judge them like that. It made me feel like she's out of my league and I don't have a shot in hell. It really sucked; this is what you're doing to your girlfriend.

And tal is right, true love is not jealous and keeps no record of when it was wronged. If you can't deal with her now don't even mention marriage.

[liz28]

This is why some people lie about their past because their partner might hold it over their head.

This girl was honest and now she has to feel gulity over it when she was sharing with something with you that might have been hard for her. Now she is being judge for it by you.

Her past is her past and that can't be change. If anything in your relationship is going well why dwell on her old ways. Do you know how hard it is to find someone that you want to share your life with? I don't think you do.

If you can't get over her past then leave because it isn't fair. Maybe you would meet someone that is going replace the truth with lies.

I don't get some guys. Next time don't talk about the past if you can't handle it. ZGeezzz.

[18Ahunnie]

How long have you guys been together?

I can honestly say I am in the same situation, though I'm the girl. Worst off my boyfriend was my best friend when all these guys happened and yet he trusts me like no tomorrow.

You would think he would be overreacting about the whole thing and thinking far more into it then it actually is, instead he has the full confidence in me.

From my point of view, maybe you don't feel man-up enough because usually it's the guys who have the rep and the girls are the ones dealing with it.

Maybe you should have a talk with her about it, and if it bothers you that much, marriage should be out of the question and find ourself somebody that you would not judge on who they were before they met you!

Those guys are in the past, she's with you now, stop focusing on who she was with in the past, and try focusing all your attention on the present, what you have and what you want to accomplish.

After all if she hasn't been with those guys, I doubt she will be the person she is today.

[spitvenom]

is it wrong of me to desire a person that has had less sexual partners for a potential wife in the future?

I think this line says it all. You love this girl but her past is not what you want it to be. I understand that I really do. Look there are people in my wife's past that I wish weren't. But she is a great person and I love her so much that I finally got past it. It took a while I won't lie and it bothered me but it came to a point (and I think you are at that point) where you either have to accept her for who she is past and all or move on.