[starlite1]

Thanks Rome,

I want to talk so badly with him about it, but he has been so fed up with my insecurities lately. I don't want to push him away or anything. This would really set him off.

[Romefalls19]

I know this may get SLAMMED by everyone, but I'm going to go for it. What about watching it with him once and ask him what about it turns him on? It will bring about a discussion on the subject in which you could raise your concerns, perhaps it will allow him to convey a reasoning for it and allow you into his world.

[liz28]

Rome is right. I watch porn with my fiancé and to be honest I am the one that goes out and buy it.

Him and I watch porn from time to time and it never lead to anyone of us cheating or even think about cheating. Sometimes when were watching porn we get a good laugh because the plot just be so corny and fake at times.

Your insecurites are your insecurities and maybe somehow you think he wants the girls in the movies but if you think that way than you shouldn't think that way.

[starlite1]

I have watched porn with him actually, and when we watch together I feel less uncomfortable. Its when I am not around that is when it bothers me.

[Romefalls19]

Here is a story that I read on the internet, it reminds me that I feed my own insecurities

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

[Elijah66]

Porn is a result of man's lust. Man's lust is a result of libido. The libido is a natural gift God has given us so that we may enjoy sex inside of marriage.

What I am trying to say is, first off, Porn is utterly a dire sin men can get trapped in. I used to be addicted to it when I was younger. I had an untamable libido that could not be quenched after a while of just looking at porn. I then had to go to strip club's because a woman on the screen would not do anything for me.

After strip clubs my libido grew bigger (I guess you could say) and I was no longer being stimulated by stippers any more. I just had to get more. So I started cheating on my girl friend of one year because I just could not get enough sex.

It ended up ruining my relationship and my life. I am just giving you a warning. Please talk with him if this make's you uncomfortable. You should be enough for him if you are truly in love. He should not want after those thing's when he is with you.

Porn is by far a huge gateway in to other behaviors. I would ask that you speak with him and tell him you are not comfortable with him looking at it.

[starlite1]

Now I am confused. Some say that porn isn't a gateway, some say that it is. I guess it depends on the individual?

[excon]

Hello again, star:

Don't be confused.. Some people are just nuts.

excon

[CrazyThumper]

Starlite- Take it from me, a guy who loves porn. It should never lead to cheating. Ok now that we got that out of the way let me dive a little deeper. I'm 31, I've always loved porn- but only watch/look at it on the internet. Honestly my ex-gf was very attractive and I never looked at it because I was bored with her, or wasn't 'getting any' from her. There was just times where I wanted to watch it/ do what I had to do- and be done. ALSO if you DO start to watch it with him, it CAN lead to some very exciting and fun times. I ACTUALLY started coming home and catching MY ex watching porn on her own, that was funny. And from there it would certaintly lead to sex. Also- you can get some fun/new ideas and role-play. I'm not saying the hard-core videos, but some stuff that you may fee comfortable with. Some porns are great at sexually educating you ;)

The bottom line is you have to understand he is a guy. He probably also masterbates when you aren't around. That does not mean he is less attracted to you, etc. The key is this- if you and your boyfriend are still being intimate, and having sex often.. then don't sweat it. BUT if he is watching porn, taking care of business on his OWN without you, and STILL doesn't want to have sex with you- then start to worry. Otherwise... try to accept it as "a guy will be a guy".. and remember he is with you.

Thumper

[starlite1]

Thanks Thumper, and everyone. You are all so great, and I do appreciate you all calming my nerves and my heart about this.

I know I do have deep insecurity issues that I am getting help on, but I love this man so much and I don't want to lose him or have him lose interest in me because of him looking at attractive girls on the street and watching porn.

[liz28]

Starlite is this the same guy that you wrote about last year? Did you ever move down there with him?

If so, I'm glad it's working out and remembe he loves you too and regardless if he watching porn he's still with you so relax.

[Romefalls19]

Nope, she finally moved on from that loser, sorry StarLite

[starlite1]

Hi Liz,

No, things didn't work out and I got back with a man that I dated in the past. The man I am with now is better for me than the one who moved to Georgia. Not that he wasn't nice, I was just afraid to move there, and guess what? As I was deciding whether to move there, he broke up with me... again!

[starlite1]

Nope, she finally moved on from that loser, sorry StarLite

LOL! Thanks Rome, no apology necessary, you are absolutely right ;)

[nikosmom]

Starlite, I don't think porn leads to cheating. Someone that intends to cheat doesn't need porn to provoke their behavior. Sure, there are some people that get addicted, but anything in excess is bad. Porn is a fantasy that can be enjoyed alone or as a couple. The girls in the movies are 'characters' not actual women that you have to compete with.

[talaniman]

If your insecurities prevent you from honestly expressing your feelings to your partner, now that's a problem, not the porn. Why do you think your so insecure?

[starlite1]

Hi Tal,

Ever since I was a child I have been insecure. I was sexually abused once when I was little by a stranger, and then my first boyfriend would physically abuse me and cheat on me. I was also picked on by the other kids when I was young as well, and these things especially the first boyfriend left scars. Now pushing 40 I am still insecure and am going to therepy and am on medication but I still feel no matter how good of a person I am to my partner and how sexual I am with him, I am always afraid that I am not pretty enough, good enough, etc and that he will stray. The porn and him looking at other woman triggers these insecurities not that he wants them, I know because he always reassures me that he is only being a guy and he looks but that is it. He is so supportive of me, and even goes with me when he can to therapy. But my fears are my own worst enemy.

[excon]

Hello again, s:

Look. I'm going to save you some money. You don't NEED therapy or drugs. The story about the wolves is ALL the therapy you need... Really... It's ALL you need...

I understand how you "feel". That's ONE wolf. If you wait until you "feel" differently before you ACT, you NEVER will...

The ANSWER to your problems, is to DO what we've been saying, IN SPITE of how you "feel" about it.

DOING is feeding the OTHER wolf. By feeding THAT wolf, maybe in time, you'll start "feeling" differently. I'll bet you will, but if you don't, so what?

THAT is all the therapy you need. Send your check to PO Box 23232...

excon

[starlite1]

LOL! Thanks Excon. Your check is in the mail!

So what you are saying is feed the positive wolf, don't feed the negative one, because just because I got hurt by one person doesn't mean that my boyfriend is the same way or anyone for that matter?

[excon]

Hello again, s:

Although I'm making light of the wolf story, in truth, there IS a recognized psychotherapeutic basis wrapped up in that simple little tale. It's called Transactional Analysis.

It works backwards from classic Freudian theory. It suggest that if you change the behavior, the feelings will follow. Or not. But, success comes from what you DO, not how you feel about it...

Freud, on the other hand, would have you spend jillions lying on the couch trying to find out WHY you FEEL a certain way... Maybe, after thousands of hours and dollars, you MIGHT find out WHY you feel the way you do.

Ok. Now what? You're still left with having to DO something about it. The wolf therapy, on the other hand, jumps right to the doing part.

excon