[quest_ioner]

If she really loves you, going NC will wake her up and she will miss you. You are right, you might lose her this way, but that would be because she wants you under these existing terms or not at all. You have to find out if she can still want you with your balls in-tact. You seem to be blinded by her outward beauty and selling your entire self to keep her on your arm. Are you okay with that, really/ Look inside her and see if she can be a mature loving person worthy of you, or if she's just a good looking brat that is willing to grace y ou with her presence so long as you never judge yourelf equal with her. I'm a chick, and I've been immature in the past. And there was always some guy I could hurt over and over and be a temperamental witch to and he'd always be there. I'm not proud of it and would never be like that again. BUT, you should know, I never really respected those guys, and most women, even the good-looking ones, will not make themselves crazy over them either.

[crazyoverher]

Wow... thanks quest_ioner... interesting perspective coming from a woman... I really appreicate it... im going to remain N/C.

And well, just go from there. I showed her that I DO have a pair... with the last argument that we had and I think that is why is got so upset... never thought that I would be like that to HER!

She didn't expect it. And I didn't do it to prove a point... but I did it because I NEEDED to... because of everything that I learned from everyone here on this forum.

So... me going N/C will prove whether she accpets me and my Balz... or not. Simple as that... its been 4 days so far...

Comments?

[JustLaw]

But you shouldn't be doing it to see if she accepts you and your balz, it should be about getting this jerk of a person out of your life. It's hard I know, not to focus on the other person but you have to... it's been way too long for you.

You are doing things here and there, but you are still letting HER be the deciding factor in IF your relationship goes anywhere. Why should she have that power.

She knows what to say and will have you come running. She knows this, because she has done it before.

It's not an easy thing to do, I know. She may have outter beauty but inner beauty not so much.

You have mentioned there were some good times when you felt so connected, but think of how many times she blammed the bad times on you when you did nothing wrong.

Think of how many times you were blown off or put down. How many times she changed whatever it was YOU were going through something and made it about her. Think of all those times she treated you as if you were lucky to have her, and she was better than you.

I know how all that feels and it feels like crap. This chick is an abuser. How do I know? Because I have been abused. Have I hurt people, sure, do I regret it, yes. But I can see the hurt behind your words and how desperately you want to believe that she really loves you and wants to change, that she will change if she realizes she could lose you.

These people THRIVE on that kind of thing because they know they have you right where they wan't you. They know how to reel you back in just to push you away. I know what it's like to think if I just show them how serious I am this ONE last time, they will wake up and realize what they are doing. Well, they don't. It's a game, and we, the victims, keep on letting them win.

She is NOT going to change. YOU deserve better. You don't need to show her you deserve better, you need to show YOU that you deserve better.

[vanheart]

Take heed in JustLaws' post...

My ex was a user & abuser narcissist too.

Spend your time and thoughts about yourself.

Sounds like realization hasn't set in yet, believe me, I know that feeling. That pain of rejection alters us. The residual stuff.

As long as you have & practice total NC, you don't have to be concerned with her ever again.

Cause after all, she's gone, everything else is up to you.

Van

[vanheart]

Oh, and BTW..

Use this to recognize who not to get involved with.

Recognize the good people out there.

[crazyoverher]

Thank you justlaw for your thoughtful words...

Yeah, your dead on about how I feel... I really do seem to want to think and believe that she will see how much she will really miss me when I'm gone for real...

It's a lot to process... but thank you for your encouragement and if you have any more thoughts, let me know.

[crazyoverher]

One question justlaw:

How do you "see" the hurt behind my words? That is sooo dead on. Is it that obvious everyone? Sheesh.

[JustLaw]

I know how hard it is Crazy because I am going through it now. It feels like someone ripped out your heart and are laughing at you as if you are nothing without them. It kills you inside and makes you feel like you are worthless and only with THEM can you be whole.

I feel the pain with every breath I take. But you know what, even though it's pain I feel, at least I CAN feel. These people don't feel and deep down they are miserable. Think how sad they must be if this is the only way they can achieve any type of... anything.

They don't change, they just string you along and get better at the game. They always believe they are one step ahead and you are twenty steps back. They don't think we are smart and really are worth their time, until they need to use us like a drug for a quick fix.

The realization is that our lives can change. A narcsist (which sounds like to me what you are dealing with) almost never change... and if so, it would take so much therapy your great grand kids would be great grand parents.

You have to do for you what she should be doing for you, and that is letting go. It's hard and sometimes you have to do it bit by bit. Don't belittle yourself when you fall, I have fallen many a time, but I do get back up.

You know something is not right, or else you wouldn't be here. You know it's deeper than "I'll show her" or else you wouldn't be here.

I'm not saying it's easy. I am not treating you like I think it will be easy for you. It's not and I know first hand, it's not. You existed and had a life LONG before her and you will long after her. There is hope. She is not your everything, you are your everything and she can never take that away from you!

[JustLaw]

thank you justlaw for your thoughtful words....

yeah, your dead on about how i feel...i really do seem to want to think and believe that she will see how much she will really miss me when im gone for real.....

its a lot to process....but thank you for your encouragement and if you have any more thoughts, let me know.

I feel your pain with that because I'm in the same boat. The love of my life, so he said, decided he didn't want to say anyting to hurt me the day after I was sexually assaulted by my brother in law, that it would be better if he just stopped communicating with me all together. Now the good part is, he NEVER told me that, I was to figure it out alone and deal with the after math. Sound like a man who loves someone? Sound like a dude who is making it all about him? Sound at all familiar.

I am not telling you anyting I haven't been told about myself or have lived myself. It sucks, but then so do they. You may become so angry you want to hate and you may do that for a while... but you will find yourself. The real you, is in there and is just waiting to be reborn. Everything takes time. You were abused. You need to talk to someone.

[JustLaw]

one question justlaw:

how do you "see" the hurt behind my words? that is sooo dead on. is it that obvious everyone? sheesh.

Crazy I am very intuitive, but only with other people darn my luck. I don't know, I can just feel your hurt. I am very empathetic. I know what you are going through because I have been there. I have done the things you are doing, had the same hopes and the same thoughts.

I know the hope that goes into each day thinking "maybe this time they'll get it" but then you feel so sad and hurt when they don't. You start thinking what's wrong with me that they treat me this way... why aren't they acting like they say they feel?

I know you are hurting and when you type I can feel sadness from my present and past experiences through what you say... because I have said the same things.

You have a lot of hope, just misplaced is all. She is not worthy of you, your hope or your love. You have given it to her for how long and look how she has treated your heart. Now ask yourself, could you treat someone you love that way?? Chances are no, am I correct?

People are only going to treat us the way we LET them. She doesn't have the power... YOU DO!

[vanheart]

Thanks JustLaw,

Your comments help me too.

Its so true. The realization of that disorder and what comes with it.

The "why didnt I realize" "why did i continue being used" the "does my ex realize what theyve done?' "Are they happy now?"

The constant tapes & conversations/actions that run through our mind.

But Ive used those tapes and they have helped me to heal.

It sucks, feel like Ive wasted 4 months on worrying about this, searching for answers and learning how to live without her & this.

But it just takes time, strength & spiritual work.

If you are worried that there will never be any sentiment, listen to justlaws' quote "could you treat someone you love that way?"

Van

[JustLaw]

Van I'm sorry you had to deal with that...

Remember though, they are never happy. They want people to THINK they have it all together and they even fool themselves into for a while but when that façade wears off they panic and try to find someone else who will think they are all that and more.

I'm hurting so much right now myself. I'm holding back the tears and feel so alone. What the nimwit did and when is beyond cruel.

[vanheart]

Yup, I know.

But those why's don't really matter, especially when you are dealing with that element. Perpetuates the low self esteem on their victims.

I know those lonely feelings. But I am no longer attaching those to my ex.
Like you said, we are allowing it, and after.

Ya know, at this point, I don't feel anger, and the rejection is really fading. If anything, I feel sad in the removal of her. The times that I thought were special, only to realize that they really weren't.

I am a bit ashamed, if anything that I allowed myself to feel love for someone like that. Boy, did I waste a lot of love on the wrong person & waited for her to give it back..

Van

[crazyoverher]

Thanks justlaw and vanheart...

I'm going to sleep on all of what you said...

[crazyoverher]

You know, in one of our most recent fights... I admit I was drunk and I asked her : "why do you hate me so much?" what did I do that you treat me like this...

The next day she said that she doesn't "hate" me... she hates the things that I do... um... ok.?

[vanheart]

Good one.

Now concentrate on the things you do & will do, the ones you already know are cool & not defined by her or anyone. The things that loving and caring people dig. Including you.

Try not to let those past fights crush you. After all, that's in the past. The words have already been spoken...

One hardest thing that I have learned is to deal with those triggers. We all have them. To see them when they appear, acknowledge it, take something from it, then let it go.

Ive been trying not live to far in the past or future lately. Helps recognize what makes me feel good.

[vanheart]

Just wanted add something I was thinking about.

Those types will always bring you up only to let you down & see how much more you are willing to take. Who can they latch onto. Make you cater to there twisted whims. All make believe...

But not just you, everyone they touch.

Be glad you don't have to succumb to that anymore.

[vanheart]

Thanks JustLooking,
Glad to see that happy face again.
Been wondering about you.

[JustLaw]

you know, in one of our most recent fights....i admit i was drunk and i asked her : "why do you hate me so much?" what did i do that you treat me like this......

the next day she said that she doesnt "hate" me...she hates the things that i do.....um....ok. ????

They will trip you up every time. That's what drives us crazy. Their behavior and their words don't match and we don't know what to believe. Believe in her actions twoards you.

[crazyoverher]

Yeah...

I'm looking at her ACTIONS towards me... not her words... thanks for the insight.