[BrokenTrev]

My girlfriend of 5 years dumped me a month ago. The night and weeks before the break we were still falling asleep while holding each others hands. Cuddling to the point of overheating under the blankets.

Yesterday, on V-day, I moved the rest of my stuff out of our apartment.

The month between yesterday and the initial breakup was filled with several visits that should not have happened. I've begged, I've pleaded, I've cried enough to fill an ocean. I've given her many reasons to confirm her belief that this breakup is for the best. I've failed on every level for NC.

I'm turning 28 this year. I've been unemployed and depressed for 2 years and as a result I've had to move back in with my parents (at 27!) in a different city with a slumping economy. I'm being forced to start my life over completely when a month ago I was getting ready to propose. I was picturing a life with kids and fun times. I felt like I was finally coming out of a slump and now I feel like I'm old and destined to be single forever.

She's got a great job, the apartment we shared, the car, lots of friends, and a new guy she hooked up with 2 weeks after the breakup. (just 2 weeks after 5 years!! ) She says this guy is a rebound. That he's just someone that she needs to get over me. They're having lots of great sex that only magnifies the fact that she and I had communication problems in the bedroom leading to many nights of no intimacy. Her life sounds perfect. I picture her pregnant and married within the year.

I desperately want her new relationship to fail. I want her to be dumped and be forced to look at what she's losing. It's too easy for her right now. She's distracted and having fun while I'm dying in a bedroom that I have trouble leaving.

I know I need to get my life back. I know I need to do it for myself mostly but I want to do it so that I can win her back.

... please tell me this rebound relationship is destined to fail and I won't be asking for her back while she's in full bloom love with this guy months down the road.

[Alty]

You need to make a few changes, but for you, not her.

You said it yourself, you've been in a slump for the last 2 years. Understandable, you're depressed, but instead of doing something to change your outlook on life you let it get to a bad point. Sounds like she couldn't handle your slump anymore probably started resenting you and moved on to greener pastures.

You need to get over this, move on, find a job, a sense of self, possibly see a doctor or a therapist and get back on track. Do this for yourself, become the person you want to be, maybe she'll come back, but don't count on it.

NC, work on you, good luck. :)

[neverme]

This is the best thing that could have happened to you.

I know it doesn't seem like it now but it is.

You were in a relationship that wasn't working, that lacked intimacy and communication.

So pick your dignity up off the floor and walk away with your head held high. You could have wasted so much of your life and missed the person who's out there who's going to make you happy.

A relationship is a helpful and loving partnership to you and your life, so go out and get yourself one! Find a job, I know that isn't easy but it's not impossible! You need to fill your life with new experiences and situations and in time, the pain will fade.

[BrokenTrev]

Threads merged

It's been 50 days since I was dumped and my 5 year relationship ended. We spent every minute of every day together right from the first date. We traveled the world together. She was my best friend, my lover, my future wife, mother to my future kids, blah blah blah.. heard it all before, right?

It's been 16 days since I last talked to her and the call ended with her hanging up on me.

The breakup has put me in a position where I'm rock bottom.
I've had to move in with my parents at 28. Self worth. Gone.
I'm broke and haven't been able to land a job despite my daily efforts.
I've got 0 friends, nobody to talk or hang with and don't see the outside of my room.
I'm your poster-boy for depression. I cry every day on an hourly basis.

She's moved on already and started dating some guy 2 weeks after the breakup.
He's successful, lots of friends, and I'm sure she's having a blast. When I last talked to her on the phone I had been to "our" apartment earlier that day to pick up my mail and it didn't look lived in so I know she's spending all her time at his place. What I had hoped was just a rebound is turning into a full fledged love possible relationship. She's got friends' weddings to go to this summer and I'm taking bets that she'll be married and pregnant within a year. (I had planned to propose around June 6th)

I let the catch of a lifetime go and I can't seem to forgive myself.

I try to think of negatives about our relationship but there are none that I can latch onto. We never fought. Our sex life was dull but that's normal for a long relationship. I try and pick out negative things about her physically but I can't. She's gorgeous and what little flaws she has gives me more reason to love her. I try and pick negative things about her personality but I can't. She's kind, loving, generous, thoughtful... lovely family... the perfect woman to marry and have kids with.


I'm so angry and hurt that she moved on so quickly. I'm mourning hard and she just tosses me aside?

I'm so angry that someone that I would die for has done this to me. I want her to know how badly I hurt.. I want he to see what she's done to me but I know that will do nothing but push her away and make me feel worse about myself. Still.. I think to myself that it's not like I have anything to lose right?

I've had 1 or 2 mornings where she wasn't the first thought that popped into my head. It felt great at first.. but then I felt worse because I felt like I was getting over her. It's confirmation that she's over me.. if I can have a few good moments.. it means that her many moments are real.. that she really is over me.

Every kiss I see on TV, every mention of love, every pregnant woman, every baby I see makes my chest feel like it's being crushed.

My days are filled with happy memories of her. As soon as I dull myself to one memory my mind suddenly decides to remember some other random moment.. making sure that I don't forget what I've lost.

The good news? Well.. assuming I can land a job (last week).. I have a chance to go to school for engineering this fall. It gives me moments of happiness because in 5 years maybe I'll have a great degree but the hope is fleeting. I get depressed knowing that I'm 10 years older that most will be at school and my chances of meeting someone.. or even making friends is almost null. A life as a successful engineer alone doesn't appeal to me. I'd rather be poor on the streets with her than rich and alone at 33 with a degree.


I don't really have a question.. nothing specific anyway. I'd like to know when this pain will end, when I'll be happy again.. but the answer of "time" just isn't good enough. I'm so tired of counting down the hours until I can go to bed and sleep.

[Clough]

Hi, BrokenTrev!

How many serious, intimate relationships have you had, and how many has she had, please?

By the way, you can meet and make new friends at any age. I think that you're getting down way too much on yourself here and that you need to give yourself a chance.

Those are just some starting thoughts for you...

Thanks!

[BrokenTrev]

She was my 2nd serious relationship.
My first serious relationship ended when I was 21 after 3 years. I was devastated but bounced back and started dating a month or so after. "Dated" ~6 girls in between over a span of about a year and met her when I was 22.

Fairly certain I was her 2nd serious relationship too. During one of my breakdowns over the breakup she mentioned how she knew was I was going through.. that she had been dumped after planning on kids/marriage.

I know that her being my whole world was a mistake and is contributing to the hurt right now. I also know my current job/financial situation is adding to the pain too. I've basically lost everything.

The man she's with now is in a position to marry her. He's financially stable and older. I have a feeling that she's caught up in feeling "grown up". Which is silly to say at 28 but he's far more stable than I am right now. She just recently got a great job too...

What really hurts is saying goodbye to the future I had seen for us. Right at the moment when everything was going to come together it ended. She's a beautiful, never married, no kids woman and any sane man would slap a ring on her finger given the chance.

I'm mourning the loss of sharing a pregnancy with her. I'm mourning the loss of seeing her in a wedding dress. I'm morning the loss of holder her hand when I fall asleep.

[Clough]

I've had many serious, intimate relationships in my life. But, for one reason or another, they didn't work out. I can feel your pain and I do know what you're going through.

It sounds like you need to concentrate on being that best that you can be right now. I know that I need to work on that on a daily basis.

What do you think?

Thanks!

[Dare81]

What really hurts is saying goodbye to the future I had seen for us. Right at the moment when everything was going to come together it ended. She's a beautiful, never married, no kids woman and any sane man would slap a ring on her finger given the chance.

She is not a saint.Every human being have there fault, why do you put her on a pedestal.There have to be things about her that annoyed you in the last 5 years.?

I'm mourning the loss of sharing a pregnancy with her. I'm mourning the loss of seeing her in a wedding dress. I'm morning the loss of holder her hand when I fall asleep.[/QUOTE]

I am sure you will have the opportunity to do all this with a girl that really loves you. Would that not be better.

You are going to school, I am sure you will meet lots of people there.Make friend and enjoy your time in school.As for now quit thinking about her because she is not thinking about you.Go workout, if you can't afford the membership of a gym, walk, get out of the house.Do something

[starbuck8]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I have been there myself, only on the female side of this. It's tough isn't it! I know the can't sleep, can't eat, can't get out of bed, feeling.

I wish I could give you some really wise advice on how to get over this, but it is like a death. The death of a relationship. You go through the same emotions, and there isn't much more than you can do but to allow yourself to go through them.

I had one relationship that was 14 yrs at the absolute end, and another that was over 7 yrs. I was lied to and cheated on with the first, and absolutely blindsighted with the last, like someone had hit me square between the eyes with a bullet. I'm thinking that is where you are at right now!

The hurt will slowly go away, but it's up to you what you to with that time, and how you can ease the everyday pain just a little. You can only sit in your room for so long, you can only listen to those sappy love songs for so long, and then you have to get up one day and just say, I'm not going to let her control my life!

She did an awful thing to you, with little remorse. You need to forgive yourself for whatever it is that you may be blaming yourself for, and just say... Dammit!. I'm just not going to let her control my every thought, and I need to do something for myself!

[BrokenTrev]

I dropped out of University when I was younger so I know that going back and finishing my degree would bring a great deal of pride. I know that if I don't go back now I'll regret it for the rest of my life and I know focusing on myself is what I need to do.

I just wish I could have her by my side to share in it. I wish I didn't have to live my life with regret and pain of losing her.

I wish I was younger so that I could have hope of meeting people as friends or maybe even a new girl.

I wish...

[starbuck8]

I felt the need to mention something else. How quickly we may forget. I really haven't forgotten completely, but it is a distant memory to me. I was also married for 6 yrs. To another man that blindsighted me also. I was young, he was young,---and yes---it still wasn't easy. In fact those are three of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. But, I have also learned a lot.

I just thought I would clear that up, and also say that it won't hurt forever. See, I just forgot to mention my one and only---and last---marriage! Haha.

[starbuck8]

I dropped out of University when I was younger so I know that going back and finishing my degree would bring a great deal of pride. I know that if I don't go back now I'll regret it for the rest of my life and I know focusing on myself is what I need to do.

I just wish I could have her by my side to share in it. I wish I didn't have to live my life with regret and pain of losing her.

I wish I was younger so that I could have hope of meeting people as friends or maybe even a new girl.

I wish...

You will... trust me YOU WILL! You are only 28 hon! You have so much time ahead!

[Dare81]

You are just 28, ask any 60 year old if they would not like to be 28 again.More than half of your life is ahead of you.

After a couple of year I can promise you would not be thinking about your ex

Don't just sit in a room and keep hoping and praying, if you want to make friends meet a new girl go out.Sitting n a room and crying is not achieving anything

[Clough]

What sort of things do you do now socially, BrokenTrev?

Thanks!

[starbuck8]

I'm going to tell you a story that my Grandma used to tell me. I didn't think much of it at the time, but it might apply here, and she was a very smart woman.

"Lessons learned in relationships are like a new pair of boots. They come out of the box all shiny and new. You try them on, and they look just perfect, and they fit just right. You wear them everyday, and you try and keep them shined. You break them in until they feel comfortable. You've walked through the mud with them, you've walked on rocks with them, and you've left them out to dry. But one day you come home, and you find out that these weren't the same shiny boots that you used to have. You know it's time to retire those boots, and go out and look for another shiny pair that fit you just as fine as the others. You'll always know when it's time for a new pair of boots."

I just thought I would share that with you. I always think of that story when I'm having a really bad day. Hope it helps you with your day.

[Texasmama]

Your repliers are spot-on, BrokenTrev. It is heartwrenching to read your post, not only because I'm starting to like my life again after 9 years of marriage and two boys went down the drain, but because we've all been there and it SUCKS!! My boys didn't go down the drain -- I'm not that kind of Texasmama -- sorry, bad.
Also, look into therapy for yourself, since we can't control what others do or how they react. Sadly, it takes time to pass before they are no longer the first thought in the AM, and last one in the PM, but you'll get there. I know you are an adult, but God-willing, you still have a lot of living to do.
Good luck and remember that what you do or where you live or how much you make does not define you as a person. Those are just fragments of the whole. Use this time to concentrate on Trev and making him better.

[Clough]

I'm still waiting for a response to my question that I asked in Post #11, BrokenTrev!

Your mind's in a whirlwind of emotion.

Sometimes it's best to take things simply here...

Thanks!

[BrokenTrev]

You guys respond too fast for me to quote and I knew I'd get flak for calling myself old at 28. :p

It's not that I feel old, old. I know that I've many years left to live on this planet. It's that I feel too old few a few life milestones. I feel my chance at becoming a father died with this relationship. What's worse is that I feel like I was refected for the newer, faster model of father.

I feel like I'm too old to consider dating and making friends at school due to the age differences. People change a lot in their early 20's and I'm going to feel like an ancient being close to 30.

I'm not trying to put her on a pedestal. Believe me.. if I could latch on to something negative about her I would. I'd focus on it knowing that I can find someone without that trait. I mean sure.. she smoked, she had a few habits that were mildly annoying but I love(d) her for her faults.

Clough, I don't do anything socially. I know this is a huge problem that needs to be fixed. It's tough making friends being in a new city and not knowing anyone. Being a guy who cries at the drop of a pin doesn't help either. I had hoped that I'd make some friends through work but that's turning out to be a challenge of it's own.

[Clough]

Making friends at work isn't necessarily a way to go... People with whom a person works most often have an entirely different relationship with a person than someone that a person knows outside of a work environment.

What sort of education, skills, training and interests do you presently have, please?

Thanks!

[MiSSsy111222]

The breakup has put me in a position where I'm rock bottom.
I've had to move in with my parents at 28. Self worth. Gone.
I'm broke and haven't been able to land a job despite my daily efforts.
I've got 0 friends, nobody to talk or hang with and don't see the outside of my room.
I'm your poster-boy for depression. I cry every day on an hourly basis.
Well this is the time to sort all this out, you must have some spare time right? Start with joinng some goups, activities, anything you like. This will boost yourself esteem. The more self esteem you have the better chance of getting a job, moving out etc. it will also help you get out of your room, this will help you to move on.

I let the catch of a lifetime go and I can't seem to forgive myself. now no offence but she does not sound like the bestest catch, she's hurt you. Now that's not good.

I try to think of negatives about our relationship but there are none that I can latch onto because you are going through the stage of where the sun shines out of her @ss. We it doesn't and again she hurt you.

I've had 1 or 2 mornings where she wasn't the first thought that popped into my head. It felt great at first.. but then I felt worse because I felt like I was getting over her don't you want to get over her, or do you want to be miserable? Mornings are bad, its nice and peaceful then bam it hits. But this again in the future will not hit you straight away then hopefully it will go.

I'm so angry and hurt that she moved on so quickly. I'm mourning hard and she just tosses me aside? I no how you feel, many do on this site, but after a while the anger will drop. In a time after all this is over you will probarly forgive. And forgivness is great. Also venting is good.