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brokeherheart · Dec 11, 2008, 06:07 PM

So this is the first time I've ever made a mistake like this, but I fear it has caused irreparable damage to our relationship.

What happened was; a female friend of ours was kicked out of her parents house and my girlfriend and I offered our couch to her. Well sometime during the night after many many alcoholic beverages the girlfriend told the friend to join us in bed and we all kind of laid there and talked. Eventually my girlfriend fell asleep and me and the other female continued to talk. I don't remember much of this night.

I remember my girlfriend asking me to put my hand on her heart and then writing in a text message on her phone that she did not send out to me "how did you like kissing another girl?" now I don't remember this and I know that is no excuse but we kept hanging out for a few days after that and I thought we were starting to get things straight, out of the blue about 3-4 days ago she gets in touch with me on AIM, while I am at work, and tells me she can't be with me right now and needs some time to her self. Anything I say to her makes her angry and she has been spending a lot of time going out with friends and or family and she keeps telling me she loves me but we had plans to see one another and she just totally stopped responding in text messages until this morning

She told me that she was on her way over and she got sick thinking about it =\
and was up with her mother all night. Now my question is;

Is it over? Her family hates me now (I had a great relationship with her family prior to this) and she can not even stand to see me. Granted it has only been one week.. . But I don't know what to do about the whole situation. There is nothing I can do to let her know how much I love her and that I would never knowingly hurt her but it is not making it easier for her to come see me.

any help would be greatly appreciated and I am ready for and accept all of the "you are an idiot" messages and will not respond with hateful reply's as I already know this.

brokeherheart · Dec 11, 2008, 06:36 PM

Would like to add that I did not have sex with this girl but kissed her while my girlfriend was in the bed with us sleeping.

liz28 · Dec 11, 2008, 08:47 PM

I don't understand why your girlfriend invited this girl in the bed with the two of you, maybe it wa due to the alcohol? This kind of leave me confuse. But then for you kiss in while your girlfriend laid next to you was wrong but again I am still confuse.

It seems like there might be more to why your girlfriend no longer wants to be with you and right now you can only step back and realize and you may never get her back. Accept that and began your process of moving on because no matter what you do or say you can't win someone back that doesn't want to be won back.

N0help4u · Dec 11, 2008, 09:26 PM

Sounds to me like your girlfriend may have been setting you up to see if you would do anything with another girl and now it is probably bothering her even more than she realized it would.
I think you are better off without her cause she started this and now she wants to act like it is all your fault and not see her part in this.

brokeherheart · Dec 12, 2008, 08:03 AM

So, she called me last night and eventually made her way to my house and spent the night. Nothing happened I just wrapped my arms around her in bed and squeezed till we fell asleep. Good sign? Or a sign she's trying to end things more civilly ?(sp)

DoulaLC · Dec 12, 2008, 08:21 AM

I'd take it as a good sign... hopefully she realizes that alcohol played a big role in all of this mess. Why the friend was invited into the bed in the first place is strange... so obviously your girlfriend was not thinking straight as well... but avoid any blame games. All three of you screwed up.
I'd swear off partaking in more alcohol than the two of you can manage well from now on. Who needs the aggravation?

SimpleguyJoe · Dec 12, 2008, 12:31 PM

You guys kind of both asked for this... She must have had A lot of trust in you to invite a intoxicated girl into bed with her intoxicated BF. If you ask me I think that EVERYONE involved in this is to blame. It's not her fault. It is your fault but only to an extent. She put the problem there in the first place and you cracked under some kind of pressure and kissed her.

This is the kind of thing that ruins relationships. You can try to tell her that it was a bad idea to invite her into the room when everyone was drunk but that will probably just upset her even more. Live off the words sorry and be nice and you might be able to salvage something if you give her enough time. But I would not expect her to trust you as much for a very very long time.

xoxaprilwine · Dec 12, 2008, 12:54 PM

Originally Posted by brokeherheart

So this is the first time I've ever made a mistake like this, but i fear it has caused irreparable damage to our relationship.

What happened was; a female friend of ours was kicked out of her parents house and my girlfriend and I offered our couch to her. well sometime during the night after many many alcoholic beverages the girlfriend told the friend to join us in bed and we all kind of layed there and talked. eventually my girlfriend fell asleep and me and the other female continued to talk. i dont remember much of this night.

I remember my girlfriend asking me to put my hand on her heart and then writing in a text message on her phone that she did not send out to me "how did you like kissing another girl?" now i dont remember this and i know that is no excuse but we kept hanging out for a few days after that and i thought we were starting to get things straight, out of the blue about 3-4 days ago she gets in touch with me on AIM, while i am at work, and tells me she can't be with me right now and needs some time to her self. anything i say to her makes her angry and she has been spending a lot of time going out with friends and or family and she keeps telling me she loves me but we had plans to see one another and she just totally stopped responding in text messages untill this morning

She told me that she was on her way over and she got sick thinking about it =\
and was up with her mother all night. now my question is;

Is it over? her family hates me now (I had a great relationship with her family prior to this) and she can not even stand to see me. Granted it has only been one week. . . but i don't know what to do about the whole situation. there is nothing i can do to let her know how much i love her and that i would never knowingly hurt her but it is not making it easier for her to come see me.

any help would be greatly appreciated and i am ready for and accept all of the "you are an idiot" messages and will not respond with hateful reply's as i already know this.

Well, she shouldn't set you up for failure. She was testing you to see if you could truly be trusted... sounds like she plays a lot of mind games with you... she likes control because she is insecure (she doesn't realize it hurts her more then she thinks). I think all of you are to blame end of story. Your girlfriend for putting you in an awkward situation, your girlfriends friend for accepting the advance and sleeping in the bed (as if it was arranged in advance) and you for kissing another girl inappropriately while in a committed relationship. I don't think any of you committed a crime of the lesser evil and that everyone needs to hold accountability for the situation. You already know that and its not over because she knows what she did was wrong and she will come around - spending the night hugging is an example of that. Question is do you want to continue the relationship knowing that she is unreliable in some sense?

brokeherheart · Dec 12, 2008, 01:49 PM

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

Well, she shouldn't set you up for failure. She was testing you to see if you could truly be trusted...sounds like she plays a lot of mind games with you...she likes control because she is insecure (she doesn't realize it hurts her more then she thinks). I think all of you are to blame end of story. Your girlfriend for putting you in an awkward situation, your girlfriends friend for accepting the advance and sleeping in the bed (as if it was arranged in advance) and you for kissing another girl inappropriately while in a committed relationship. I don't think any of you committed a crime of the lesser evil and that everyone needs to hold accountability for the situation. You already know that and its not over because she knows what she did was wrong and she will come around - spending the night hugging is an example of that. Question is do you want to continue the relationship knowing that she is unreliable in some sense?

There isn't anything about her or her personality that would even make me question whether or not I want to continue with the relationship. I absolutley love her and what I did was so idiotic and immature I don't know if I could forgive myself, I also do not know if it was a "set-up" but she is not a deceitful person so I highly doubt that, I do think the invite was because there is enough room in the bed and she did have a lot of trust in me, that has changed since. Another problem that I'm having is.. . Her phone ! Is it just me or should she not be texting guy friends? Am I stupid for feeling mad or upset that this is going on? Before this all happened her cell phone was just about dead and the only people to text her were like her parents, but now it's much like the beginning of our relationship where the girl can't put the good phone down even when she is with me. Someone set me straight -=D

DoulaLC · Dec 12, 2008, 02:12 PM

Sounds like you two need a heart to heart discussion about your relationship, and where you would both like it to go. Things got off track, for whatever reason, but now is the time to regroup and be united in getting over this roadbump and making it better.

Be careful not to read too much into things, when your feelings are heightened, due to this recent glitch, your imagination goes into overdrive.

Any possibility of the two of you taking a couple of days to just spend time together, talk, and reconnect? No outside influences... friends, family, or phone calls?

chrissymarie · Dec 12, 2008, 03:27 PM

Your GF was in bed with you 2 when this happened. She invited another woman into bed with you. Bed is a sacred place for couples. If she truly didn't want anything to happen she would have never invited her into bed.

It seems to me like a hot fantasy you 2 may have talked about in the past was acted out and it didn't play out or feel the way it was supposed to to her.

You need to let her know that she is the only woman you want and she hadn't invited another woman into bed with you 2 your relationship would still be pure. Let her know you still love her and only her and that you only acted how she wanted you to and you honestly don't remember.

But if a kiss can ruin your relationship and run her and her family away from you then I'm sorry I don't think the kiss is what broke you 2 up I think there were other problems and this might have been the last straw...

brokeherheart · Dec 12, 2008, 03:31 PM

Originally Posted by DoulaLC

Any possibility of the two of you taking a couple of days to just spend time together, talk, and reconnect? No outside influences....friends, family, or phone calls?

I would seriously, no exaggeration, kill for this to happen. But I don't think she is ready =\ maybe when I'm on vacation from work the 25th-2nd she will come and we can just be together but we shall see! Thank you all for your help and advice so far it is greatly appreciated!

xoxaprilwine · Dec 12, 2008, 08:06 PM

Originally Posted by brokeherheart

There isn't anything about her or her personality that would even make me question wether or not i want to continue with the relationship. i absolutley love her and what i did was so idiotic and immature i dont know if i could forgive myself, i also do not know if it was a "set-up" but she is not a deceitful person so i highly doubt that, i do think the invite was because there is enough room in the bed and she did have a lot of trust in me, that has changed since. another problem that im having is . . . . her phone ! is it just me or should she not be texting guy friends? am i stupid for feeling mad or upset that this is going on? before this all happened her cell phone was just about dead and the only people to text her were like her parents, but now it's much like the begining of our relationship where the girl can't put the gd phone down even when she is with me. someone set me straight -=D

Ok, I see you love her and you think the best of her; you feel awful about the situation. You made a mistake and obviously alcohol was a major factor or else I am sure you wouldn't have kissed her friend. You now feel insecure about the relationship because she is text messaging "other" guys. Maybe she is text messaging with other guys in light of the situation to see if her feelings are valid and maybe she is seeking some companionship and consoling with other guys to see what they think of what is going on. Do you know who she is talking to? Chances are you do, chances are she has never given you a reason not to trust her in the past... if that is the case she can have guy friends; I have guy friends all of which my husband knows and has grown to care for equally. I would not get worked up over her conversations with other guys... unless there is misplaced trust issues... in which case you need to discuss it with her. I think she is coming around and I think that her feelings are mutual (by the sound of it) and it also sounds like you two have been dating for some time though both of you are still young. Your relationship is not over; you can pursue her and show her that you love her by not giving up. Take her out for a nice dinner, buy her some flowers and a special card and tell her how you love her and care for her. That you are very sorry and feel awful, it will never happen again because you realize now more then ever just how much in love with her you are. As it goes for the "other guys" leave it be and concentrate on one problem at a time don't push her away.

Starbucks21 · Dec 13, 2008, 12:39 AM

You may of cared for her but she seems to be a drama queen. Idc how drunk I am... I would not allow another woman to sleep in my bed with my boyfriend... When they were drunk... and barely conscious of their actions...

She set you up... she just wants drama... if you don't like drama every week you might want to quit while you're ahead... well sort of

brokeherheart · Dec 15, 2008, 09:46 AM

So I sent her the link to this page so she could see how I felt and how others (people not effected by this situation) felt about it. I have been giving her the space she requested but I feel like my phone hasn't left my hand waiting for her to call and say she was ready to talk it out. She barley spoke to me Sunday, just long enough to tell me she got her new phone Lol, I sent about 1234124 text messages to her in my head but I stayed strong and left the phone alone except to reply to the few texts she sent me. Do you all feel if I give her too much space and time it will look like I am heartless ? How much space and time should I give her? Has she already decided she dosen't want to be with me ever again and just dosen't have the heart to tell me ? (she is so not the type of girl to be shy) ? I just can't stop thinking about her. I kissed another girl for about 3 seconds and have spent 1036800 seconds regretting it =\

NewYork123 · Dec 15, 2008, 09:59 AM

I think giving her space like you are doing is the right thing. Maybe you could text her once a day and say something irrelevant like "hope you are having a good day"... I definitely don't think that she decided not to be with you again. She is probably trying so hard to be strong and inside it is killing her, but she knows she has to be strong for you to realize what you did. If my boyfriend kissed my friend I would be acting like her... good luck.. tell us what happens!

DoulaLC · Dec 15, 2008, 10:01 AM

If she reads this thread she will see how you feel about her, how very sorry you are for what happened, how it was not intentional... (I don't care how well someone thinks they handle things, you just do not think as clearly after too much alcohol), and how you want to make things right. The alcohol is not an excuse, perse, but the real issue was having too much alcohol in the first place... for all three of you. Hopefully you all learned a valuable lesson from this mess.

I also hope she realizes that she needs to make good as well, it can't be resolved by you alone... she will need to accept a certain amount of responsibility and also work at rebuilding things if she wants a healthy relationship with you.

I wouldn't pursue her... she knows how you feel, it is now up to her to make good. Maybe she is using the whole situation as a way to get out of the relationship, maybe not, but she is now the one who has to make the next move and either step up and be honest with you to end it, or do what it takes to make it work.

Quite frankly, it was a quick, drunken kiss that meant nothing... and she played a part in it as well whether she wants to admit that or not. Should it have happened, no and I can understand her being hurt... but was it really a major issue given the circumstances?? Is it worth ending a relationship over?

chrissymarie · Dec 15, 2008, 10:12 AM

Your right, you do need to give her space but you definitely don't want to give her too much space. Keep responding to her texts and send her 3 or 4 of your own a day. Let her know about oppurtunitys you have open to hang out by telling her what your plans are for the day. That way you can give her a chance to open up and say she wants to hang out with you again when she's ready. Sounds like she may not have the self confidence to accept someone truly loves her and she needs time to understand the depth of your relationship.

brokeherheart · Dec 15, 2008, 10:36 AM

I just feel stupid texting her anymore, I know what I did was horrible but I just can't get the thought out of my head that she just wants it to be over. I read your answer chrissy and I opened my phone and was going to text her" how is your day" or something along those lines and had second thoughts about it (ive never had second thoughts about texting or calling her before) =\ I don't know that I want to be the guy that "wont leave her alone" but I really don't want to be the guy that Leaves her alone! Lmao I need some outlet for emotions and I can't do that at work thanks you all very much, if nothing else you have helped me threw the situation by at least listening and responding.

edit: (ive never had second thoughts about texting or calling her before)

edit#2: after I posted this I broke down and asked her how she was. Thank you all for the help so far, when I have a second I'm going to go through and rate everyone's answers =D

chrissymarie · Dec 15, 2008, 10:44 AM

Originally Posted by brokeherheart

i just feel stupid texting her anymore, i know what i did was horrible but i just can't get the thought out of my head that she just wants it to be over. i read your answer chrissy and i opened my phone and was going to text her" how is your day" or something along those lines and had second thoughts about it (ive never had second thoughts about texting or calling her before) =\ i don't know that i want to be the guy that "wont leave her alone" but i really dont want to be the guy that Leaves her alone! lmao i need some outlet for emotions and i can't do that at work thanks you all very much, if nothing else you have helped me threw the situation by at least listening and responding.

edit:(ive never had second thoughts about texting or calling her before)

Don't have second thoughts about saying hello to her... have second thought about texting her... when are we going to get back together... do you still love me... have you been seeing anyone else... etc etc. If she truly wans you to leave you alone and you say she's not a very shy person she'll tell you to leave her alone. Keep your head up and stay positive.