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Casiusq · Jul 1, 2006, 08:11 AM

Hi, I'm 22 and have had 3 boyfriends. All 3 have dumped me, the first didn't love me to begin with, the second still loved me but we fought a lot and the 3 is still a mystery to me. We were together 3 months, he fell in love with me after a few weeks and we had a lot of fun together. After 2 months a problem arose (we have different religious and political beliefs which are problematic where I come from) but we got over it and for a week he kept apologizing for even thinking we should breakup, he even wanted to apologize to my mother! A month after we shared a bath for the first time, everything was going great till one day we had a fight. He was nasty on the phone so I asked to meet up to talk the day after. He kept asking about what and I told him us, he sent me messages "how are you sweety" and so on. We met and he hugged me and held my hand and when we sat down to talk he dumped me! He said he isn't ready for a relationship, I asked if just with me or with all girls and he said just me. He said he feels like a loser but we will never get back together. I don't understand why he did it?? Since he answers my calls but never calls and isn't willing to meet, he says it will hurt him too much. Its been 3 months and I still miss him.
I don't understand why I keep getting dumped, I'm pretty, roundish body though not fat, smart and nice. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong? I never manage to get my ex's back, I feel like I'm not worth anything.

jeffatl · Jul 1, 2006, 11:31 AM

I think the a major part in getting over a break up, is to get past the "why" phase. It sounds like the guy has no ill feelings twards you, but it just wasn't working out. You are going to be just fine, getting over a break up takes time, but you have to let go! There is nothing wrong with you at all, IT JUST Didn't WORK OUT!! You sound like you have confidence in yourself enough to know that, so why torture yourself? He is doing the right thing by not calling you or hanging out with you because you aren't over him. Don't feel bad for "not being able to get your ex's back"... most people don't. Have some fun!! You are 22!! You need to move on, only then will things become more clear to you. Best of luck!

talaniman · Jul 1, 2006, 11:40 AM

What's wrong with you? What's wrong with us? I NEVER got any of my exes back either, and there were a LOT more than three. I got over it with time and have been married 32 years! I'm also smart and nice AND phat! :cool: :D

J_9 · Jul 1, 2006, 11:43 AM

Tal, you forgot wonderful.

Speaking of ex's, when I look back at the ones I had I am happy to know I never got them back. I am in a better more loving relationship than any of them could give me. I guess that is why we call them ex's.

I learned a lesson from each, what I do like and what I don't, and moved forward from there.

valinors_sorrow · Jul 1, 2006, 12:28 PM

Too much too fast is like a breakup waiting to happen. It takes time to build the kind of foundation that lasting relationships require and although there aren't many clues in what you said, Casiusq... it may be that everyone is terrific but the action is just plain going too fast?

Almost anyone who's been around the block can verify this:

1. If you are anxious to get a boyfried, that almost guarantees you'll get the wrong one.

2. If you rush to make it serious, that almost guarantees it won't be serious for long. That includes having sex too fast too.

3. If you think its love in three weeks or a relationhsip is three month then you really need to look up the definition of fondness (or lust) and dating (or make believe).

I don't say these things to make you mad, its just the way it is. Look around. Look at the relationships of older people, the ones you admire. Ask them what it was like. Do as they do so you can have when they have.

And as far as ex's go, ask around and most people will tell you it's a mistake to take one back since it amounts to this: if it was worth breaking up in the first place then its worth staying broke up thereafter. And if its not then somebody's playing games and deserves what they get.

Use some of those smarts you are talking about to pick yourself up, brush yourself off and learn these lessons so that next time will be happier and sloooooooower for you! :)

Thanks for posting.

Casiusq · Jul 1, 2006, 02:07 PM

The thing is I know you can't rush into things: he wanted to tell me he loves me after 2 weeks together and I managed to put it off for a while, I wanted us to wait before having sex and he tried to take my top off the first time he slept over. I told him we were moving too fast and he said he's happy with the way things are. He kept telling me how much he loves me and how much he wants to be with me. I just don't get it, I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong. I want to stay friends with him, I don't even want him back I just want to stay in touch. I want him to like me enough as a person to want me as a friend.

J_9 · Jul 1, 2006, 02:17 PM

Give him time and space. DON'T crowd him. Eventually he may come around, maybe not, but if you give him the space he needs, he may just come around to being friends again.

talaniman · Jul 1, 2006, 02:30 PM

No matter what you do you just can't make people like you. If he can't deal with YOUR program, LEAVE HIM ALONE to his own s**t!

valinors_sorrow · Jul 1, 2006, 03:05 PM

Originally Posted by Casiusq

The thing is I know you can't rush into things: he wanted to tell me he loves me after 2 weeks together and I managed to put it off for a while, i wanted us to wait before having sex and he tried to take my top off the first time he slept over. I told him we were moving too fast and he said he's happy with the way things are. He kept telling me how much he loves me and how much he wants to be with me. I just don't get it. I want him to like me enough as a person to want me as a friend.

Okay, you tell me you know it can't be rushed and then let him rush it. Please look at that for a minute okay? Is that supposed to mean its all his doing? Do you think that lets you out of responsibility? Are you an adult here? What you are doing is not taking responsibility for your half of it. He rushed you but you let him! The other thing you did was not pick your stuff up and leave when he did an outrageous thing rushing you. That would have slowed it down to a crawl. Rushing is usually a serious red flag in most female circles and should be in yours from now on. If all he has to do is say the magic words "I love you" do you immediately give in to whatever is happening? Then that is some serious wrong going on. Do you remember reading in women's magazines where they say if its too good to be true, it probably is? This is sometimes what they meant by that, sweetie. Again, I don't mean to be hard on you but rather the reality is and I am hoping you can get more tuned into the reality.

Do yourself and this man a favour... nevermind the friends thing now.

Please take a break from guys while you do some filling in the blank spots. Talk to other women about this at length. Read a few books about Prince Charming Gone Wrong self help topics - the bookcase in Barnes and Noble is loaded with them. Hang with your girlfriends. While you're at it look at a few threads from the guys who are having relationship trouble here at AMHD. Next time, lots more you in it, okay? This is not unusual or catastrophic even and actually the guys go through its counterpart too (looks around for Wildcat LOL). Take some time to become more you, the beeeeeeautiful you that you celebrate, independently of any him! An incomplete person is not capable of standing up to the demands a relationship makes and I would bet he was as incomplete as you. It just folded on him sooner, that's all.

Casiusq · Jul 2, 2006, 01:29 AM

Believe me the last thing I think is that its all his fault, I know I shouldn't have let him rush us. He's a soldier and I have a weakness for soldiers, but nothing is an excuse. The thing I don't get is why we couldn't fix it. If we both think it was too much too fast why can't we take a step back and let things flow slower?

About the religion - we are the same religion and I must admit I don't see any problem dating anyone from any religion! My sister is married to someone of a different religion and its working out great!

Good thing I'm jewish... just kidding

valinors_sorrow · Jul 2, 2006, 05:18 AM

What I see is you take this all very casually one moment ("I have a weakness for soldiers") and very seriously the next ("Why couldn't we fix this?"). That sends mixed signals... just like he does. Problem is you see his and he's sees yours but you two don't each see your own. Not good.

I am guessing he probably gets what comes next better than you do. Its not pretty. Stepping back is a fairly complicated task. It requires skills that neither of you have exhibited much... self examination, honest communication based on speaking your truth, reasonable means to see from both points of view, self disciplining ability, etc. Without those, someone is going to get hurt and then it will all spiral terribly out of control, compounded by more confusion, hurt, mistrust, paranoid attention to details with accusations flying because now you REALLY do lack the foundation and skill for this part. Go read some of the other threads here for the "Part Two".

Can you see this? This is the anatomy of a failed relationship that failed because rushing is JUST THAT BAD. You didn't allow time for you to grow into a relationship. Your simple approach belongs in a romance novel. To paraphrase Dr Phil.. that's clearly not been working for you, has it? Basically he swooped in, got his sugar and took off before trouble hit, to put it bluntly. My guess is he is as shallow in his understanding as you are and suffering for it too.

This is why you need a deeper understanding of it. Don't feel bad here please... many of us lack an intuitive sense and need to "study" a bit. Its not bad news when we say you need to grow up a bit... because you can!

Focus on you. Reread this whole thread. Concentrate on making yourself whole and your life work without a man. And thanks for paying attention here... I see that you are open to the lesson. That is very good!

Casiusq · Jul 2, 2006, 07:07 AM

I must admit I don't quite follow, I'm not casual about it at all. What I meant by the soldier remark is that where I live everyone has to be a soldier and I feel bad for soldiers so when he called every day since we met I assumed it was because he was lonely at his base, when I told him to take some time to himself over the weekend and not spend all of it with me he didn't want to and I wanted to make his weekends at home nice. Our relationship was not perfect, not at all but I don't look for perfect. I wasn't always perfect and neither was he. The way I see it is you have to let some things slide if you love someone. I think he either broke it off before there were "problems" or because it was too serious too fast.
2 days before the breakup he invited me to the north to visit his grandma. I had a huge test so I couldn't. He called at night to tell me he misses me and is returning from the north earlier to be with me. Next day he said he needs a day to himself, I called him cause he was sick and he was a bit mean on the phone. I smsed him that I want to meet to talk the next day. Suddenly he becomes sweeter, sends me a nice sms. We meet, he hugs me and holds my hand and before I get to tell him that I think we need to take a step back he dumped me. I don't think I'm immature, though I have a lot to learn still.

By the way - what did you mean by:
I am guessing he probably gets what comes next better than you do. Its not pretty

valinors_sorrow · Jul 2, 2006, 09:29 AM

Originally Posted by Casiusq

btw - what did you mean by:
I am guessing he probably gets what comes next better than you do. Its not pretty

I meant the same thing you said here:
"I think he either broke it off before there were "problems"...."

I also meant what I said here:
"...someone is going to get hurt and then it will all spiral terribly out of control, compounded by more confusion, hurt, mistrust, paranoid attention to details with accusations flying"

Casiusq · Jul 2, 2006, 09:45 AM

And true enough I got hurt (though we were completely honest one with the other (atleast I was) and I examined myself after anything and everything cause I was scared of losing him), but if I finally realized what the problem was can it be fixed? Can we try again but slower? Or maybe stay friends?

talaniman · Jul 2, 2006, 10:08 AM

Best you move on and remember the lessons you've learned ! Don't worry about his frieindship. Get out in this big ole world and make new and better friends. You two have too much history right now so just leave the guy alone. Let the dust settle a while. I know it sounds easy but its not-ONE DAY AT A TIME!

Casiusq · Jul 2, 2006, 10:12 AM

Well its been 3 months since we broke up and we were together only 3 months. Isn't that enough time?

talaniman · Jul 2, 2006, 10:24 AM

NO! GO for a year or longer in the meantime instead of thinking about what was, move forward and build what can be-without him!!

valinors_sorrow · Jul 2, 2006, 10:34 AM

I agree with Talaniman and would only add this:

A year without learning what you specifically did so you can take steps to do something different is not long enough and three months with a major breakthrough ( ahaaa, now I see!) so you are capable of doing things very differently is plenty enough.

Where I come from, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is a definition of insanity. Just because the face is different doesn't mean the type of man is.. .

Just a thought.
;) at Tal

Casiusq · Jul 2, 2006, 11:14 AM

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to read and reply

momincali · Jul 2, 2006, 12:21 PM

I think that Val and Tal made excellent points. In the future, I would be cautious of any man who told me that he fell in love with me after only a few weeks of knowing me, I'm not sure that that is completely possible. 2nd, having the same religious background I think is very important. Think of the future with this person. Think of any children that may come into your lives. For example a jew marrying a catholic. Are the children to be raised jewish or catholic? Do you celebrate Christmas or Hannukah? Next, pick your man, be choosey, talk and explore. Do you have lots in common? Is he respectful, kind, honest, funny? Does he have goals and aspirations? Why is he dating? For fun or is he looking to settle down if he found the right woman? Don't stick around in a relationship that you can see is not going anywhere. If you fight a lot, especially for no good reason, go. If he is not a gentleman, go. If he is too clingy or the opposite, only wants to see you whenever he's in the mood, go. If he's unfaithful, go. There are plenty of fish in the sea, honest. Let go of your ex, all your exes. Stop worrying and wondering why. Look to today and tomorrow, what's in store for you? What are your plans, goals and aspirations for your life? If I had kept wondering and worrying about my exes, I would never have met and been open to the wonderful man I am married to today.