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t3hm4d0n3 · Oct 30, 2008, 01:52 PM

Well as I said, I met this amazing woman, who is really really smart, capable of having a intelligent conversation (really, not where I pretend made up words make sense). I've known her for 3 weeks. I can't really stress how amazingly awesome this girl is, she's also drop dead gorgeous and near as tall as me and did I say gorgeous, wow.
She however has this thing I have never seen in a woman, I haven't dated a whole lot of women, but in all of my relationships, they at least acted like I was important. I know she likes me, actually she likes me a lot if I take into account what I Do know about women, she's very attracted to me, she really likes that I am really smart even if I am a cocky bastard sometimes. But why doesn't she act like I can see in her eyes she feels? She also doesn't look at me very much, as if by not looking at me she is somehow shielding herself, or is this normal with strong independent women? I mean when its just me and her cuddling its like someone totally different is in my arms, but I feel her personal space bubble shoot up the instant were around other people. I have no personal space with my girlfriends.
plus she wants to take things slowly, I thought I understood what this means, but I don't. I haven't got a clue what taking it slow means, she doesn't live near me, so I mean that's pretty slow, we'll see each other at the most once a month if that. She also said several several times that she won't engage sexually till she's known me for a good long while, which is perfect for me, because I have an inkling that most of my failed relationships were just for sex, were based on sex, and sex was the only commonality. No bueno in my book. But I messed up and didn't apply the brake about two weeks into us knowing each other, the day before she left to go home, and now I'm all tore up from it. It was so stupid, because I don't want her to think that's what I'm about. I'm all tore up about this girl in fact, and I don't even know why, its pretty frustrating because I am a very self possessed person, I know myself really well, and this is tossing me for a loop.
so with all that information, she still insists that she's been hurt badly a few times, and is continuing to have issues with other men, and she doesn't fully trust me, she's waiting for the other shoe to drop so to say. I already dropped the other shoe, I have two kids and an ex that I don't get along with (I mean, in my mind that was the biggest shoe ever) she doesn't Seem to care about that though.
the only thing actually that she Seems to care about is what she doesn't know about me that could somehow harm her. How do I read this woman? She is very much a cancer (astrological sign) like if you read what a cancer is supposed to be like, its her to a T, but its like the fear of something is stopping us from really opening up, how do I do that? There are tons of questions here, so if anyone has any ideas on how a newbie to the real world can figure this out, please help.
thanks -=Levi=-

friend4u178 · Oct 30, 2008, 02:19 PM

Hi Levi
You've only known her for 3 weeks so just do as she asks , take it real slow.

There is plenty of time to get to know each other and you don't want to be pushing her away by trying to hurry things.

t3hm4d0n3 · Oct 30, 2008, 02:24 PM

Well its not that I want to hurry things, its just that there's a wall there, will it always be there? How do I find out boundaries (which she tells me, 'they change all the time') I am a really open person, obviously, I don't think I'd see her on a site asking for advice. So how much info is too much info. I think of her like ASM (a programming language) you put in a lot of work, and at first you don't get much, you can screw up really easy if you don't know what your doing, but if you stick with it you get some really awesome software. Does this sound like a feasible approach?

starbuck8 · Oct 30, 2008, 02:38 PM

Hi Newbie... a Cancer sign girl here. Also one that has previously been in very bad relationships. Can I first say, please use punctuation, caps to start a sentence, and paragraphs. God, I sound like my third grade teacher ;) but it is so hard to read and follow when you don't.

She hasn't known you for long and she has been hurt in past relationships. Of course she is going to be gun shy. Once bitten, twice shy! She doesn't know you well enough to trust you. She told you how she wanted the relationship to start, and you didn't listen to her. Red Flag popped into her head.

You said a few things that stood out to me. ME was mentioned a lot. She didn't make ME feel important, she doesn't look at ME very much... and so on.

You have to understand, that a girl that has been burned (not sure how badly her other relationships ended) is going to put that "bubble" that you speak of around her. Of course she is going to be leary and careful. If you put your hand on a hot stove, wouldn't you want to make sure the burner is off the next time you touched it?

Slow means slow! Simple as that. Be her friend first, and keep your raging testosterone out of the picture for now like she asked you to do. You won't gain her trust by jumping in with both feet, or anything else... so to speak. What I'm trying to get across, is to just cool your jets dude, or she won't stick around for long.

I don't really want to get in to the whole Astrology thing, but Cancerians are caregivers and nuturers. They like to please, and are sometimes not very assertive or vocal about what they want or need, unless they feel they can completely trust. You will need to be patient with that. I'm not really into the whole "sign" thing a lot, but I would be curious to know what yours is. Please don't tell me it's Virgo or Taurus. Lol.

Take a step back, and develop a solid frienship with her, and if the attraction is there, and you don't play games, you might have a shot.

t3hm4d0n3 · Oct 30, 2008, 02:47 PM

Thanks, damn, your right on that me thing.
I am absolutely cool with slow, I just would like to know what she's thinking, I crave input. I'll stick with friends though, I can do friend, I don't know how to do friend and boyfriend, but I'll give it a shot. Heh, yeah I am a Taurus why? And it wasn't My raging testosterone, I actually respected her request, I was very not as close as I am comfortable being with someone I like, and it was strange, but I did it, and I respected her request. We just had some drinks, and it was concentual, I even tried to stop. I think she is totally worth the wait. I am totally enamored with her, and something about me is that It never happens this way, so I am not sure how to react. What is over confident?

starbuck8 · Oct 30, 2008, 02:47 PM

Originally Posted by t3hm4d0n3

Well its not that i want to hurry things, its just that there's a wall there, will it always be there? how do i find out boundaries (which she tells me, 'they change all the time') i am a really open person, obviously, i dont think i'd see her on a site asking for advice. so how much info is too much info. i think of her like ASM (a programming language) you put in alot of work, and at first you dont get much, you can screw up really easy if you dont know what your doing, but if you stick with it you get some really awesome software. does this sound like a feasible approach?

Whoa... you are putting waaay too much overthinking into this. You need to back up a bit. Women are not computers, and we don't calculate like one. You also have to know that men cannot use both sides of their brain similtaniously, but women can. Men have to switch back and fourth. It's how we're wired. Think of that in the computer sense. You have to change programs to get to the other screen, where the women have both screens working all of the time. It's just a fact, and that's why it's sometimes hard for men to understand women, and vice versa. ;)

t3hm4d0n3 · Oct 30, 2008, 02:52 PM

Yar, well I guess, but its never been the logical side of women I had a problem understanding, it's the emotional, I have boundaries but I don't know what they are that confuses the shizzle out of me.
Is this over thinking? Or is it just thinking to other people? I don't think I have it right in my own head, I need some input from the outside before I jump to conclusions about what she really means/wants when were together or talking. I don't understand because I have not encountered such a strong woman, its awesome.

starbuck8 · Oct 30, 2008, 02:53 PM

Originally Posted by t3hm4d0n3

Thanks, damn, your right on that me thing.
i am absolutely cool with slow, i just would like to know what she's thinking, i crave input. I'll stick with friends though, I can do friend, i dont know how to do friend and boyfriend, but i'll give it a shot. Heh, yeah I am a Taurus why? and it wasnt My raging testosterone, i actually respected her request, i was very not as close as i am comfortable being with someone i like, and it was strange, but i did it, and i respected her request. we just had some drinks, and it was concentual, i even tried to stop. i think she is totally worth the wait. i am totally enamored with her, and something about me is that It never happens this way, so i am not sure how to react. what is over confident?

These are just my thoughts about your night after drinks. She let her guard down, and then felt a little guilty, because she had told you she didn't want to do that. Now she is maybe questioning herself, and backing away a bit until she can get it straight in her own head. Well a Taurus is the lesser of the two evils with Cancerians, relax... you could have been a Virgo! Then you really would have been screwed! LOL!

friend4u178 · Oct 30, 2008, 02:55 PM

Originally Posted by t3hm4d0n3

i am totally enamored with her

I think you need to very careful with this thought , 3 weeks and she already has you this way?

Starbuck will correct me if I'm wrong but a woman will smell this a mile away and she will either use that to play you or it will be a total turn off for her and she'll run.

t3hm4d0n3 · Oct 30, 2008, 02:56 PM

What I mean is she told me she has boundaries that change all the time, what does that mean? How do I adjust to these ever changing boundaries she speaks of. Why is she making it hard for me to want to like her, not that she's succeeding but its like she wants to kind of drive me away with these things. Thanks starbuck, I need a reality check.

t3hm4d0n3 · Oct 30, 2008, 02:59 PM

I'm a bit more reserved than that, I am not letting on that I am so enamored, this is all internal, if I told her how I really feel, or anything of that nature, I know it would have been over. I want to be able to understand this within myself so I can better approach the situation. Why would 1 day or 10 years be enough or not enough time to know how you feel about someone?

starbuck8 · Oct 30, 2008, 03:02 PM

Originally Posted by t3hm4d0n3

yar, well i guess, but its never been the logical side of women i had a problem understanding, its the emotional, i have boundaries but i dont know what they are that confuses the shizzle out of me.
is this over thinking? or is it just thinking to other people? i dont think i have it right in my own head, i need some input from the outside before i jump to conclusions about what she really means/wants when were together or talking. i dont understand because i have not encountered such a strong woman, its awesome.

There's that Taurus coming out in you! I could have picked any one of the 12, but somehow I knew from the start that you were either a Taurus or a Virgo. Did I also mention that Cancerians are very intuitive? The Cancer Crabs can get cranky and bite your head off you know! :p

Don't jump to conclusions. It won't help you at all! In fact it will make things worse. Let her be a strong woman, and DO NOT give her ultimatums or boundaries. She will run for the hills if she feels crowded.

t3hm4d0n3 · Oct 30, 2008, 03:05 PM

I also don't see this as a problem, its not a negative, its just confusing, I don't know how to approach the situation, I am not so learned in love, I have not been one to go looking for relationships, they just appear, I learn what I liked, what didn't like and move on, but this started like all the rest, fun, interesting, but then she changed the game. She likes me, obviously I have made an out of myself already, but she's willing to accept that I guess, so how do I stop myself from being an again? I don't find anything wrong with telling someone how you feel about them, at any time, I have shared life stories with people I don't know and will never see again. I am a really strange person, but that's OK so far. I'm not a stalker, if she asked me to stop calling, I would ask why, and whether she told me I would move on, chalk it up to learning from mistakes. But why should I have to screw this up to learn how to start a relationship with a smart woman?

friend4u178 · Oct 30, 2008, 03:07 PM

Originally Posted by starbuck8

She will run for the hills if she feels crowded.

Had to spread the rep starby but this is exactly what I was trying to say :)

t3hm4d0n3 · Oct 30, 2008, 03:10 PM

Yeah I noticed, she didn't bite my head off, but I could see she has the finger on the trigger. As long as she can tell me why she's pissed I can cope. Yeah I think if I had given her any boundaries or ultimatums I wouldn't be asking these questions :D, I'm a newbie not a dumbass ;). If she gave me ultimatums it would be over too, I want a two way, adult, 50/50 relationship. No clingers please. I am done being the center of adult people's lives. What do you mean by jumping to conclusions? What kind of conclusions would be bad?

t3hm4d0n3 · Oct 30, 2008, 03:13 PM

She lives in another state :) we talk for about an hour each day, if that, I send her maybe a text or two a day, she rarely writes me back, she's busy a lot, running her own business, so I mean I give her space. But if I see something cool, I'll tell her about it, but other than that, its more Q/A still, and I am not entirely sure what is safe to ask about? She thought I was being really direct asking where she works when I met her :D danish people must be very reserved.

friend4u178 · Oct 30, 2008, 03:19 PM

Originally Posted by t3hm4d0n3

Danish people must be very reserved.

Danish people are actually very logical minded people as a rule , I know cause I grew up with them :)

t3hm4d0n3 · Oct 30, 2008, 03:21 PM

You have given me really good advice, though its more of the same I got from my sister and my mom (both successful smart women) who both told me what you have said above. I guess you can't answer questions I have for her, and that's really what this is, I want to know what smart women think, and what is too much, and what is too little. And from the mixed signals what's going on here? Is this business as usual or is there something I need to understand about women that I don't know?

starbuck8 · Oct 30, 2008, 03:25 PM

I'm getting a little confused. But to answer one of your questions, you said you don't think it's bad to 'put yourself out there', or tell someone how you feel, no matter how long it is. Well that does present a problem. Girls like the mystery and the chase just as much as you guys do. What would you gain by pouring out all of your feelings on the perverbial table in a mere 3 weeks? You would be left with a big mess on the tablecloth. That about what that would boil down to.

You really don't know this girl, or even her likes or dislikes in this short ammt. Of time. You actually don't know her at all! Why would you want to put your guts out there for everyone to see right away? Take a deep breath... breathe... breathe! ;)

t3hm4d0n3 · Oct 30, 2008, 03:29 PM

Alrighty so basically act like her then? Uninterested almost to the point of not talking? And just chat about the weather? I'll pass, I guess I'll just have to risk scaring her off, I want to get to know her, not put her on a shelf and wonder what's inside. This sounds like good advice, but how the heck do smart people ever hook up if this is what you have to do? No wonder there are so many stupid people breeding. Its easy with women who throw themselves at you, and I don't want that, I would enjoy the conversation, but I need my space. But I also feel that if were going to have a relationship, as we talked about, then it should be both ways right?