[jaimecat]

I’m in college. I started liking this guy who is a senior. He studied abroad last year where I’m studying abroad next semester. He actually sent me a message over the summer saying “you’re going right?” and gave me advice. In my opinion, he was very flirty from the moment we saw each other at the beginning of the school year. He hugged me right away and liked to tickle me and hug me.

We started talking on IM. He invited me over to his room when I wanted music. He suggested we go to a church service on campus. Told him I liked him. He acted surprised which is stupid since I thought it was fairly obvious and he even admitted he suspected it after the campus service. I thought his reaction was bad but he said it was more like “Wow. This girl likes me…she’s cool. Don’t know what to do”

After this he started talking to me more and seemed very concerned about me when I got very ill. On our IM conversations he got a little mushy sometimes and even wrote poetry. But he said “oh yeah we need to talk face to face” I got the feeling something was wrong. The next day I go over to his room to chill and we cuddle and stuff which we had never done before. I said “do you want to talk?” he said “not right now” I brought it up before I left and he was like “I don’t know how to say this…I do like you but I’m not in a dating place right now.” He mentioned me going away and he doesn’t like the distance (which doesn’t bother me…I don’t either. I would be perfectly fine with us being together until that happens and then mutually splitting) but he said the main reason is that he got out of a long term relationship not too long ago (however when he sent the message to me on Facebook in June it said single…and its almost October) and he’s not ready for a relationship. I said I “wouldnt ever do friend with benefits, just friends” and he said “I would never ask you to.”
A couple days later I told him he was an and I didn’t want to be around him. He said “I can’t argue with you because I was a jerk. I should have treated you better. I’m sorry” He gave me space for like 4 days and then on Sunday he IMs me and says “Do you want to go to church” it was OK and we went to brunch afterwards.

A couple days later we are talking on IM and I was leaving to go get food and he accompanied me. We came back to my house to eat and he kept staring at me- I thought I had food on my face or something- but it is blatantly obvious he likes me and that he wasn’t lying about that. It's a definite he is very attracted to me and is greatly amused by my extremely quirky sense of humor. He wanted me to go to campus service again that night so I went. We continued our flirting after being awkward for maybe a day or two. I’m starting to think it is not possible for me to be around him and not flirt because I’m really attracted to him.

Then a couple days later, he IMs me and I say to come to dinner at such and such a time. He shows up (he never does anything with my group of friends on the weekends) which surprises me a bit. Then we and a few other people spent the rest of the night together hanging out and we went to see a comedian. He was VERY touchy feely. We were playing a game and I commented I like massages and he spent over an hour massaging me. I wasn’t going to complain but he kept touching me and being touchy feely even during the comedian. My roommate who was there with us said it was very obvious. Me and him ended up ordering pizza after midnight and he came to my room and we ate some and watched TV. We were cuddly once again like the time before in his room. He ended up spending the night. I’m not sure how- I mentioned I didn’t care if he did but I honestly wasn’t being serious. We talked all night long until 4 in the morning…he called me beautiful and liked how I was so strange and nerdy sometimes…he kept kissing my face but not on my lips. I told him I was a bit scared about kissing him luckily he thought it was cute. I kept telling him he could go back to his room but he said he wanted to stay.
The next morning was a lot of fun. We did end up making out. He remarked he was happy being with me. Later that day he IMed me and said he really liked spending time with me and when I called him a cute lab rat he said he wanted to thank me in person.

He does like me and genuinely cares about me and he says he wouldn’t ever sleep with someone he wasn’t committed to and I would not either (it would never go past cuddling and kissing.) I would never do this with someone if they didn’t seem to genuinely like me…no matter how much I like them. My roommate says he is just using me again and two of my other friends think he is a bit confused and maybe doesn’t know for sure yet. I just don’t get why he did this again if he doesn’t want to commit…he saw how mad I got the first time he said he didn’t want me as a girlfriend. And that was after only a bit of flirting…does he seriously think this is going to end any better if he tells it to me once again after all this stuff happened? Not only that- he said before he wouldn't expect me to do friends with benefits after I said I def would never do that... Im thinking he only meant sex there now. I want to be an optimist and say maybe he changed his mind and underestimated how much he likes me but I have found from past experience this hardly ever happens.

[Gift-Of-Gab]

I think you need to talk to him properly and let him know how your feeling..
Tell him you need to know where you stand and if he doesn't know how he feels suggest that you take some time apart until he figures it out... that way if he does decide he's not ready for a relationship you won't get as hurt as you would have done otherwise

:)

[talaniman]

If you can't just enjoy the company, and being together, and having fun getting to know each other, then stop going out with him.

How is he using you??

[jaimecat]

He knows I want a relationship and not friends with benefits but he is going towards and pushing the second one. Doing what you want while ignoring the fact the other person wants the opposite is using. That's just my opinion though. It paints a harsh picture but I am not saying he is a bad person.

[talaniman]

Don't give in to what he wants, but he must be mighty good, for you to put up with the bad.

I guess you think if he cares enough, he will change, huh? I doubt that very seriously.

He is a lousy b/f, and doesn't sound like much of a friend either.

Who needs that kind of pressure in their lives? Doesn't sound like a good time to me .

[Dragonfly1234]

It's not like you are in a position where you feel you need to give him something you're not ready to give as he hasn't proven his commitment yet. But, at the same time, I find you are putting a lot of pressure on this relationship (and possibly on him too, which would explain the behavior). You've been clear about what you want, if you feel you need to reiterate, then by all means do but then the ball is in his court. If he wants to keep seeing you, maybe he does like you and wants a relationship. Maybe he wants to see if you are the person to change his mind about not being ready for that. If he is important to you, you need to be fair to him and give him some time to figure that out. It's called dating. If you don't trust his intentions then casually suggest an official date next time he asks to spend some time with you, but without all the pressure...

[Fr_Chuck]

Ok, if you real a 1000 plus posts on here you will see where there are all sorts of men and women who "hook up" on the first date or even with a date just to meet and have sex. So common it is scary to me. So what he wanted, only he knows that, what you will or won't do, only you know that.

Communication, actual talking ( you all do know that a cell phone actually calls people, they don't just text)

[candybaby9]

Maybe you could try to play hard to get. Like the next time he wants you to go to church be like sorry I have plans already. Try to be just friends with him and see how he takes it. You could try telling him that you like him and if he doesn't like you, to tell you now because you don't want to waste any time with someone you have no future with. He sounds llike he could maybe be using you. So whatever happens, just donttt have sex with him!

[jaimecat]

I thought Id update. I went over to his place last night, we got dinner and ate it there. He was all over me in public... he kissed me in front of a bunch of people. We ended up making out for like 2 hours in his room and then my mind began to wander and I stopped. He asked me what I was thinking about and then the conversation went like this:

Me: I don't know why Im doing this (I assumed he still didn't want to commit.)
Him: we can stop if you want (I got pissed after this.)
Me: how can you say you're not ready for a relationship and be OK doing this?
Him: Im not OK doing this (obviously a lie)
Me: I said I didn't want to do friends with benefits
Him: I know
Me: You know Im not asking for anything serious. I don't want anything serious, Im studying abroad next semester. Im asking for dating.
Him: I know
Me: am I just a rebound?
Him: No
Me: I think you're just using me
Him: No Im not
Me: Yeah you are
Him: I just like the feeling of being close to somebody
Me: *glare* That's USING SOMEBODY!
Him: *gets a weird look on his face* sorry
Me: since its obvious you can't stop acting like this maybe its better if we're not friends. (im not sure if this was registering with him because I was gathering up all my crap and he was attempting to help)

Then I left and said "dont bother walking me back to my house"

So yeah I was pretty upset. I was crying my eyes out because Im so stupid. He doesn't care about me at all he just wanted someone to sleep with him. I just ignored it because he kept saying things like "you're so beautiful" "i love being with you" blah blah blah. Its pretty obvious he's done this before... he mentioned to me awhile ago he had hookups and he just said they were mistakes and they happened a long time ago. I sent him a couple angry texts. (and I usually do call him by the way. This was the first time I ever texted him) one said "dont bother wasting your time trying to make me forgive you. next time you think you miss me just remind yourself you dont like me and im an object to be replaced" I shouldn't have done that but I was upset. I saw later his away message on AOL said "I hate myself for being such a big idiot." I don't believe it... he said that last time. He hasn't been online for awhile now and that's weird because he is always online.

What I don't get is how he claims to be so religious. Before we made out we got in a discussion about one of his bible study books and I said if I was a missionary with a family and knew I would be killed or they could be hurt I wouldn't go and he was like "but its your calling" and was really stern about it. Does he realize God doesn't like womanizers?

Im going to completely ignore him now. I still have some of his stuff but he leaves his door to his room unlocked and Im just going to drop it off while I know he's in class. The only problem is I do go to some activities where he will be there.

Lesson learned: don't listen to what guys say. The sad thing is I have had this happen to me before... just not so extreme.

[talaniman]

After reading your last post, I don't think he is leading, I think you allow him to lead and until your action are much more disciplined, he will do what a man does... and that's pursue! He knows what he wants, but you don't know what you want.

Obviously your on different pages, or have different expectations.

You expect far too much, to soon. It doesn't seem like your enjoying getting to know each other, so it may be time to let go! Work on yourself, for now.

[jaimecat]

Being makeout buddies isn't getting to know each other. And it was obvious he was hoping it would lead to sex. I will let it go, but I will do it because he is a womanizer. I found out today he has used girls in his past, why would I be any different? I'm not that type of girl.