[lateefeh]

I just found out that my husband has been cheating on me for 18 years. At the same time he was not having sex with me. He was not capable. Even though I loved having sex with him.

[COOKIE MONSTER]

What are you going to do?

[Synnen]

What's your question?

[BetrayalBtCamp]

I can only imagine the shock you must be in right now. I'm sorry you are going through this, it's a horrible experience.

Take a deep breath & if you can, don't make any rash life altering decisions. Just take the best care of yourself that you can, try to get some rest, don't forget to eat & if you can't get things down then get some Ensure or some liquid meal replacements so you can at least sip on those & get some nutriion.

Is he wanting to reconcile or is he wanting an immediate divorce? Is he remorseful at all? Did he confess or was he busted? What sorts of cheating was it, long term affairs or hit & run sex?

I suggest you go to a site specializing in betrayal to get more insight, support & advice there such as:

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

You are not the only one that has had this sort of discovery & that it went on for so long, there are others in similar shoes on that site & all over. They survived it & you can too. Some stayed married, some did not.

I also suggest getting the Shirley Glass book "Not Just Friends" first to help you understand better what you are going through even if the marriage doesn't survive. You can read an excerpt here:

Amazon.com: Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity: Shirley P. Glass, Jean Coppock Staeheli: Books

[lateefeh]

He cheated with affairs and one tome sex. He was also not able to perform for 18 years. I found out he did not tell me. He does not want a divorce. He wants to stay with me. He is willing to go through therapy and also he is willing to give me the house if I stay with him. Thanks

[Fr_Chuck]

Well most likely you will get the house if he goes,
Can you stay with him knowing he cheated on you ?

[Choux]

I guess you have settled for no sex for 18 years. So, what's the problem? You have settled for a marriage of convenience... nothing wrong with that. Life is about financial survival, too. Sex isn't for everyone.

Find your unique way of being happy! Everyone is different!

Don't turn yourself into a complainer, whatever you do.

Best wishes, :)

[lateefeh]

Now that I found out that he has been cheating for 18 years, I want to be loved more than ever. I also don't want to break up my family . I feel like he didn't really love me and even now he wants to stay with me just for convenience. He says he is sorry, but he has not done anything to show me that he cares. He seems like he is not ashamed of his cheating. He wants a normal life and he wants it now. He doesn't get the extend of his doing. We have been married for 36 years and have two adult kids. Why do I feel so unworthy of love.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

Why do I feel so unworthy of love.

That's perfectly normal after a discloure of that magnitude. It is not a loving thing to lie, cheat & betray your partner like that. He may have had loving feelings for you all that time, but his actions were not love oriented but extremely damaging instead.

His saying he's sorry is a good first step, but only a baby one. It will take a lot more to make things right. His wanting a normal life now is also common for cheaters when Devastation Day hits & the secret is out. I'm sure you too, would like life would be normal without this nitemare to deal with, but you can't get your wish either right now unfortunately.

One reason he was able to do it for so long is because he didn't have to deal with the full consequences of his choice to cling to his adultery, like he does now. He won't get the extend of his actions without some help doing that. He is still clinging to the distorted thinking that let him cheat for so long, it takes time to get that cleared up & the right support & materials for the fog to clear completely. With some, it never does.

He may not be acting in a way you need because he doesn't know what to do. With most betrayed spouses, one minute you don't want a divorce & the next you never want to see hm again. It's confusing enough for you to deal with, & can be even more confusing for your partner too. If he wants to stay in the marriage, he will have to earn his way but that takes a lot of time & effort.

Right now you are traumatized by the whole situation & it's hard to know what to do or even what you want to do. So it's very easy at this critical stage for both of you to think there is no hope when in fact that may not be the case at all. But it will depend on a lot of factors so no way to know if you two can stay married after this in a good healthy way for both of you or not, it's too soon to tell.

Do you know if the cheating has completely stopped? That obviously is crucial.

Another excellent book that can be very helpful no matter which direction you head, alone or together, is this one (excerpts at the links):

Amazon.com: Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart: Douglas K. Snyder, Donald H. Baucom, Kristina Coop Gordon: Books

Getting Past the Affair: A Program ... - Google Book Search

[Choux]

I think he cares for you, girl. It is just that you ignored the problem for 18 years, so that is tacit approval for the status quo.

Everyone is worthy of love, every woman deserves to be treated like a queen, including you. But, you can't force a man to do anything... you just can't.

Your future happiness is in your hands, and you are a competent woman who can make that happen, marriage of convenience or not. Do some self-examination and be honest with yourself. That is a good beginning.

You are a terrific woman; never forget that. :)

[lateefeh]

He has stopped cheating I think. But I think he has so much more women in the past 18 years than he tells me about. I want to know who and when. Sometime I think it will be better to die than to live a life so disrespectful. It feels like I was dead for 18 years but I didn't know about it. If it was not for my kids I like to die.

[Choux]

A man is not worth dying for... get a grip!!

You have a good life. Don't look to be overly emotional. Look to negotiate a better future; get some help negotiating from a clergyman. Don't fall into the trap of self-pity.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

It is also very common to have those suicidal thoughts after DDay hits. Please go see a professional that can see if meds might be appropriate for you to help you not spiral so far downward that it becomes a reality, that would be a terrible thing to have happen.

It's good he's being honest but you need to be careful not to overload yourself with more information than you can safely handle. Obviously, this is an extremely tuff time for you, understandably.

Do you have a good real life support system in place that can be there for you? Can you let your H help you get past this stage in a comforting way, if he is able / willing to? If so, please let them know you are particularly vulnerable right now so they can be there for you when you start feeling so hopeless. It will pass, but it will feel like it never will for now. That's why you have to make sure you take extra good care of yourself especially now.

[lateefeh]

I have been taking medication for stress for 6 weeks now. I have many friends who are willing to listen and be supportive , but these friends knew of the affairs and did not tell me about it. I am not happy about it. They call me and we talk. I feel like I have been betraed by my friends also. I don't have any family in this country. I don't want them to know that my H was such a low class person. My job is a place for me to forget about this problem. No one knows about this issue there. One of my kids don't want to get involved or talk about it. I also don't want to get them involved. He has tooled them about it. I wanted to keep it from them. They now feel ashamed of their father, but they love him and miss him.
Lateefeh

[BetrayalBtCamp]

It's understandable that you would feel betrayed by the friends that knew. But that's a difficult position for a friend to be in, no one likes to tell bad news to someone they care about & especially not of such a personal nature. And they may have been afraid they would lose your friendship if they told you & you didn't believe them.

It's good you're under a dr's care, have a job that can be a safe place for you to be & have friends to talk to. It would probably help you to have a support system that knows exactly what you are going through, even if just online so check out the SI site. This is an extremely stressful situation to be in.

Has your H moved out or just gone for work? You said the children miss him. Are you OK with him being gone?

[lateefeh]

He moved out for four weeks and moved back saying he can not stand living in apartments. The kids live away from us and have not seem him yet. We had planned a vacation early this year, they asked for him not to come to the trip. They are shameful of his actions.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

Well, that "moving back in because he hates apts" answer couldn't have made you feel very loved. But men often aren't good at expressing their emotions & it could be he did miss you but didn't want to admit it. Or he could just hate living in an apt or paying for one instead of wanting to be back with you. Only you would have a good idea where the truth is on that.

Has he done anything to indicate he is done with the cheating & really sorry for the anguish it's caused you or is he pretending it's no big deal?

[lateefeh]

He does not get the extend of his action. He thinks we just have to forget and forgive and start over. I don't know if he is not seeing the prostitute he was seeing before.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

That he doesn't get it fully yet is understandable too. People who cheat do a great job convincing themselves it isn't that bad a thing to do & it takes a while for them to understand how extremely damaging it is to their marriage & partner, if they ever do. I hope your H does & makes the effort to make things right for you as best he can after such a very long period of dishonesty.

[lateefeh]

Thank you for helping me.