[Leonstryfe]

The truth about Jealousy Versus Values


Jealousy is truly a big issue in any type of relationship. It can creep up to anyone without notice. However we all handle this matter very diferently. Some may hide it really well, while at the same time, eating their emotions inside. Others, they blantly show it through actions or words and they make sure it's well known. In the end, the normalcy of this situation all rest upon our reactions. First of all, what triggers jealousy?

Jealousy can be triggered mostly by three causes; Threat, trust, and values. Let's examine ach one.

It's natural for us to react a certain way when we are threatened by something, either physically or emotionally. We as human beings are naturally selfish, but don't take that as something negative. Let me explain... We are very "territorial" and this can be seen throughout our history with wars, fights, etc. This especially holds true with our significant others. This may sound bad but in the end we all, or most of us, there are exceptions, follow the same ideal that our significant others are "ours" and no one else. There are of course a lot of threats, varying at different degrees of intensity. If your significant other comments on how attractive another person or friend may be, to some this is nothing, but to others this might trigger some hint of jealousy. This small comment for the most part is a threat to a person ego, don't go this path... don't let this get to you. I know most people do not but I do know some so its not uncommon. The huge threat that many people worry about, are those "people" with intentions. I'm sure many people have had this experience happen to them. What do I mean by intentions? To simply put, they fancy your significant other. This can be really tough especially if your girlfriend or boyfriend is good friends with them. What do you do? How do you convey your feelings without making yourself needy, desperate, and or jealous but at the same time come out as proper and civil as possible? I'll talk about that later.

Jealousy could often be associated with trust issues. Many people told me that if you trust your significant other, you won't be jealous. Man, that's like me saying pigs can fly or males can give birth. That's a cup of BS. Even if trust your significant other, can you truly trust other people with certain "intentions". Let me just avoid that area for now because it'll raise a lot of good questions. No matter how much you trust a person, we are all human beings. Unless you're an emotional juggernaut, and you never have jealousy issues, I'm pretty sure if you know someone hitting on your significant other jealousy will be felt one way or another. In my past relationships I got jealous sometimes and so did my significant others then, some I found by them telling me, while others I found out... in a very interesting way. If you're jealous over the most simple things, then you may have trust issues, or, your significant other isn't giving you the opportunity for your to trust them... and this is where one of the most important aspect comes
into play... VALUES.

Everyone has different values, it defines who we are, and how we act and interact. First of all, no one has the right to say whose values is right and wrong. Every values should be respected. Amongst other reasons, dating is also considered a form of getting to know those "values" of the other person and vice versa. Sometimes, there are values that seems completely opposite of each other... like water and oil. This is where compromise is very important.

Jealousy Versus Values: Here is a common situation that I'm pretty sure many of you have had happen.

You're Significant is hanging out with friends and people of opposite sex. The best thing to do is to talk, this is both parties. Not talking about this creates more tension and an argument will come out of it if its left undiscussed. Since you guys are in a relationship you have the right to ask where the person is going? But at that same time, its just courtesy for other person to tell their bf/gf where they are going. Is that too much to ask? It doesn't mean you have to go to your significant other and make a list and time of where you'll be at. But a simple, "hey im going with my guy friends at...". The truth is, there is nothing wrong with hanging out with friends, as long you as make it known. Hiding or covering informations, especially lying about something signifies that there is something wrong. **** Remember people do not lie or hide things if they know there is nothing wrong! **** If you find yourself lying about something, or hiding some truth, especially where you went or what you did, unless its for a surprise party, you know you are doing something wrong! I often get questions like, "I hang out with my friend but I didnt tell my gf/bf". And I often respond with "Why didnt you tell him/her" in which their answer is "I don't know".. In the end, know that its your choice.

Hanging out with a group of guys or girls for the most part is all right, especially if you know your significant other has a lot of female friends/ male friends. We all do it. But if you find yourself lie about a situation to your significant other, or covering something up, then you know you're did something wrong, because your breaking the main rule of trust; honesty.

So what about an ALONE time, with your gf/bf and another person of the opposite sex? Is this right? How would you perceive and act upon this? Do you just say no, or do you play the naïve card and say yes? This is a very sticky situation and you don't want to be seem like your needy or controlling. Like someone mentioned to me, this too is quite hazy for me as well. For the most part we are not stupid. "We" as in everyone.

1 - To the guy or girl whose going out alone with a person of opposite sex: Don't be stupid. It's not hard to see if the person has some intention towards you or likes you or fancies you in some sort of way. If you even have a slight hint about what the other feels about you, make sure to not put yourself in a position where you know your thread thin away from something you don't want to do but yet put yourself into. Simpy put: don't give anything to chance. Cause if something happened, even if he or she was the one that attempted it, the fact that you put yourself into that position in the first place, does not make you innocent. But again... in the end, think about the situation, use your head and decide whether its just an innocent hang out or not. Be very careful. A dinner with you and just a friend may look or feel normal, but it may go againsts your significant other's values. Would you like your bf/gf to do the same? PS - the best way to start this off in the most proper way is to ask your significant other's opinion. You can never go wrong with that and it actually creates more trust.

2 - To the guy or girl who was asked: This may be hazy but don't over react. That's just stupid. Be proper, be glad first of all that she or he went, told you this before hand, and asked you for your advice. The fact that she's not hiding it shows that you can trust the person. However the fact that your values are beign questioned here and your overall comfort is beign disturbed, doesn't make this a good situation for you. Discuss it with your significant other. Do you know who this person is? Do you know his intentions? You can't be naïve. Is this a new guy? Are you cool with it or not? The best answer is the honest truth! Tell her what your gut feels! This will avoid sounding needy or controlling. Just don't play the consider BS and just be truthful but don't ever tell the person what to do. In the end let it be their choice. I quote this from yodatg taf - "you are your own person, and I can't stop you, but this goe's against my values and expectations in a relationship. I'm glad you asked me - and its not cool with me, but at the end of the day, it's your choice." Which is a good statement tro consider.

This is a huge deciding factor and often reveals many things about your significant other that words can never

explain, for actions speaks louder than words. You can definitely tell a lot about a person regarding this situation. If you knew the person fancied your significant other, and had your bf/gf said yes and decided to hang out with the other person anyway, even though you knew this were true, shows how much respect she/he has for your feelings, and values. It's his/her choice in the beginning... then depending on his/her decision, the ball is in your court... it's your choice afterwards. Remember that no one has the right to tell us what we feel, or what we should do because in the end, the choice is all up to you.

Sorry for the lack of spell check. Hope this helps. I've been through this is by far, this is the best way to handle this situation. Use your head, talk it out, and choose your words carefully. Enjoy.

[N0help4u]

Very good
Jealousy needs to be distinguished with is it the jealous persons insecurities or is there real reason to be jealous