[Distantlove]

You've predicted right, me and my boyfriend broke up yesterday because of the lying thing, (in my previous post about the smoking). We didn't initially start talking about it until I was upset about something else yesterday.

Just a little update before I explain though - the other day he asked me if I love him less because he smokes, and I said no I love him the same, then he asked me if I found him less attractive, and I kept quiet and he got upset. I then said "i dont find you as a whole less attractive, but smoking itself is not so attractive to me". And he understood and he said that he wants to stop smoking and cut down gradually because he cares about my opinion more than anyone else's. And I stupidly believed him for the next day after that, being really happy that he would do this for me. But then suddenly it clicked to me, that he probably won't stop because he won't change.

So now's the explanation of what happened yesterday - We were out for the day cycling and we stopped off at a park to chill out in the sun. We chatted and it was fine and we had a good cycle, until when we were laying there I started to think about the smoking thing again and was curious to see if he meant what he said about quitting, so I simply asked how it was going and all he said was "fine". And I asked him what he meant by 'fine', and he said "well i didnt have a smoke yesterday". And I asked him if he had one the day before and he said yeah. So I replied jokedly "So much for quitting then ayee" and he got annoyed and said "i won't be able to quit straightaway, it'll be gradually cutting down and my body won't need it anymore". But anyway, after that chat he started lying down somemore in the sun and didn't speak for half an hour and I didn't speak to him either because I thought he was sulking, then finally I said "Are you just going to not talk to me for the rest of the day then?" and he said "What? You're the one ignoring me," and I said he wasn't talking and I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing, and I said "but you weren't talking to me and you're obviously agitated now" and he got angry and was like "Nothings wrong, so just get over it !" And this upset me, as I don't like it when he snaps (especially as I was just asking nicely) and he just didn't seem like him. So yer.. we carried on our cycle.

I was being quiet until finally I asked to stop for a bit for a break. And he asked me what was wrong, I told him about the snapping thing and how he does it a lot recently for no reason, it just doesn't seem like him. Then he said he was annoyed because its awkward when I talk to him about smoking because he's embarrassed of it as its not a nice thing to do he said. Then he started saying how quitting smoking wasn't top of his priorities right now, and how it was one of the least things he's thinking about, and I said "ok if you don't want to quit, carry on, its up to you because it's what you're interested in. But i wish you didn't lie to me and say you wanted to quit" and he said "I did it cos I just didn't want you to know about it". And I said "So you have a high potential of lying to me and i have to feel like you are always hiding something from me. It's not your problem, its mine, cos thats just how you are. But i have to either accept that or not". And he said "It is a problem for both of us because it shows we don't have an honest relationship". And we spoke more, and I found out that not only he's addicted to tobacco, but he also smokes weed nearly everyday when he's with his friends (and he does do other drugs as well other times). He said that's how he has a good time when he's out, because he likes to relax on a 'different level'. He said that's why me and his friends are really different because he can't hang out with me and smoke weed because I don't do it myself. So I said "fine, just do it infront of me if you want, dont stop yourself, thats what you want to do". And this made him think a bit better of it. I asked him if there was anything else he was hiding and he said "the smoking and the drugs were the two main things that i didn't want to tell you". He then started saying its probably for the best in the longrun to split up because we don't have an honest relationship, and I just agreed. I didn't want to fight for him anymore even though I love him so much. When I agreed he started crying. And I thought to myself, that's it, thes the end and I'm never going to see him again. And the thought of it just broke my heart. After our talk we cycled back to a pub and had dinner.

At one point he was staring and I asked him what he was thinking and he said "about us and whats going to happen" and I asked him what he meant, he said "i dont know, whether we'll still talk and get back together in the future, or whether we'll never see eachother again" and I asked what he would like to happen and he said "i would like us to get back together in the future, but we both need to take a break. I'v also noticed how i get agitated a lot recently and i don't like it. Time to myself would be good to try and sort myself out and it would be good for you aswell. I want to come back to you, who i fell in love with" and I agreed, I said time would be good to ourselves and I would like to get back together in the future, (although deep down I was thinking that I'm not sure if that's the best option for me.. ). He then asked me what I was thinking about and I said "im just wondering when we're going to see eachother again". He said "i can imagine it'll be around your birthday" (which is in a month) and I nodded.

Later when we got back to his, we spoke somemore. We were still kissing and acting like a couple. He broke down and started crying and saying "i dont want to lose you and im thinking about what would happen if i lose you, ide have no-one because i trust you and i love you only and i dont want to trust or love anyone else". He cried somemore and said "I regret the insensitive things i have said you, like telling you to get off my back or to get over it etc. and not taking your feelings into account, im so sorry, i really regret all of that. I never meant to upset you so much. I'm going to always love you forever". He then asked me what I was thinking about again and I said "just seeing you around my birthday" and he said "i can imagine it being a bit before that. like mid-july." and then we planned to go to london zoo mid-july because we had the tickets ages ago. He said he was looking forward to it. He also started saying how he would help me with my art portfolio for university when I apply (which is in half a year and I'm planning to go to london because the course I want to do is good there, and that's where he's going too). So I get the impression he's hoping that'll we'll still be together in the future, and I really don't want to lose him either.

But then I started thinking about it more, and how it would break my heart to see him smoking drugs etc. because I don't want to see him doing that because its bad for him. I also know this girl (not know this girl but know who she is because she is my mums friend's daughter), and she did drugs all the time and eventually developed mental issues and had to go hospital many times. She is always very depressed and has attempted suicide many times. I can't see this happen to my (ex) boyfriend, I'm so scared of being with him in the future, even though I really want to, but it would break my heart to feel like he is hooked on drugs and the damage that could happen to him.

I just really don't know what to do, he was my first love and I'm his, I've never felt so strongly about anyone other than him. I don't want to lose him but I don't want to see him hooked on drugs either. But I'm 19 and so is he, do you reckon he would ever stop the habit of smoking weed and other things eventually? Does he need to mature more and realise the damage and the consequences? Or will he be one of those husbands that do drugs? I'm so confused about what to do, I know I will be so hurt and upset to feel that he is damaging his health all the time, yet I really don't want to let go of him because I already feel so alone. I don't know if I will find someone who will love me as much as he does. We have plans for seeing each other in a few weeks and in the meantime having hardly any contact, just the occasional text, but mostly an email now and then to see what we've been up to and how we are. But what is for the best for me? Shall I stick by him? Or do I just have to let him go even though I love and care for him so much?

Please give me your advice. I'm so stuck. I;m sorry this has been long but I just had to get it out and explain it properly. Please help.

[ylaira]

Everybody goes through that stage. GMy first break up took me 2 yrs to get over but I'm a lot better now. I feel so stupid then. Growing pains really hurt that bad u know...

[Distantlove]

Thanks for the quick reply ylaira. What do you mean by 'growing pains'?

[Distantlove]

I'de really appreciate more advice and opinions of others :) Please. It would really help me! Thank you.

[freeatlast1]

You can't change the guy. If he wants to smoke, he will smoke and will only quit because he wants to. I had a similar problem with my ex. She started smoking all of a sudden after 2 yrs not smoking and it really bothered me. We had some fights about it, I told her if she really loved me she would quit such a bad habit that she doesn't need. Then she started smoking more just to spite me.

[N0help4u]

You need to realize that nagging makes it harder when you keep bringing up something they are trying to overcome. Then you discourage him by going back in time and dismissing the progress he has made by making the day before when he did have a smoke as more relevant than the day(s) after when he might have had one or none. If you can not empathize with him and encourage, comfort and support him in his efforts then you are contributing to his downfall. As for the silence. If I say things I feel are hurting or could be taken the wrong way I say I love you as a last sentence so they know everything is good and not to sulk so then if they do not say anything I take it as they are thinking on what I said or just enjoying the quiet time.
Maybe you two are just not right for each other.

[smokedetector]

My advice:

1) Stop nagging. If you put an issue to rest or on the backburner for him to take care of progressively, bringing it back up every hour or every other day can be REALLY annoying, which I think is part of why he can be so irritable. It is going to take time. You don't need to check up on him every hour to see if he's lit up. Give it a couple weeks and ask how its going and if there's anything you can help him with. Accept his answer and drop it. Stop harping (I know you might not agree, but it is my opinion)
2) Either accept it and quit bringing it up or decide you want better and pursue it (also, if you have a problem with something, don't just accept it because you don't want to get into it just then or want to bring it up later. Tell him you are not happy with it. If it is not the right time or place, tell him you would like to talk with him about it at a more convenient time. None of this "ok I accept it" and then the next day "are you going to do anything about it, because honestly, i really don't like it" That's annoying AND confusing. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
3) Realize that he will not stop just because, and you are obviously not a good enough reason right now for him to stop. I'm not saying to accept or be angry about that, just admit it/realize it.
4) UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES marry him while he is still doing drugs or anything else you absolutely cannot live with. While he may grow out of it, if he can have everything he wants (like a wife/family) and still do drugs, then he'll likely take it. Additionally, if he doesn't stop smoking in order to marry you, then he really doesn't want you as much as the drugs. It's not that you're not good enough, it's that he's not straight in the head. You are selling yourself short if you settle, and setting yourself up for heartbreak.
5) As you are now (or were before you broke up), you don't have an honest relationship, and it would be foolish to go back to it without both of you working to gain each others trust back. Things won't change unless you make them.
6) Don't string him along. Ask yourself if you want him to be the main guy in your future, or if you'd rather see what else is out there. Be honest with yourself, and chose wisely.
7) You are your own best friend. You can't ever divorce yourself, so make sure first and foremost that you can live with yourself and the decisions you make.

Best of luck.

[kp2171]

You can't "save him"...

And based on all the previous threads about this relationship and your concerns, I think it's a bad fit and this is just one more thing to add to the list.

Everybody has a first big love and most of us didn't want to lose that love. It happens. All the time. You learn from it. Maybe take a different angle in the next relationship. Figure out what you did right and wrong. And you love again. And lose again sometimes. And love again, again.

So... you cannot make the choices for him about what he wants to do. You can decide what you need for yourself.

[sokay]

He was trying to cut back and quit for you, and you needled him about it. I thought everyone knew that people who are quitting smoking are Cranky. They are! After one and a half days without he was probably having withdrawals. You really might have told him, "Thanks for trying to cut back for me, I'm sure it's hard for you, but I support you." Then he'd feel more encouraged and inspired to go through with it.

[Distantlove]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I know I shouldn't have asked him about the smoking thing again so soon, I regret doing that.
sokay, he wasn't going to quit. He admitted that he lied when he said that because he didn't want me to know he smokes and he wanted me to believe that he would quit..
I'm having a hard time at the moment because I miss him so much. He wants to get back together in a month after having time to ourselves, but I really don't think that it's the best thing for me. And I know that, but I need to be strong and I just can't find myself being strong atm because I'm scared of losing him, but I know its for the best. I don't know if having a boyfriend that has a habit of taking drugs is right for me, not to mention him being secretive about everything.
I appreciated everyone's opinions, and I know I can't change him :( I asked him if none of his uni friends smoked or did any drugs would he? And he said he probably wouldn't, but they do and they always did it around him.
I just really need to be strong but I don't know how! :(

[Distantlove]

Could I also asked - what would you guys do if you were in my shoes? That would also be helpful to know :) thanks.

[starlite1]

Hi Distant,

I was kind of in your shoes with my ex-husband. I loved him (and always will) so much, but he smoked pot everyday. Granted it was only pot, but still it bothered me. I knew this going into my marriage, but I was hoping he would change. I would constantly nag him about it, for the first 3 years (I know, I feel bad about that too), but he got angry with me every time I did. This is not the whole reason why we got divorced (we are still frineds), but a contributing factor. Honey, you cannot make him stop doing drugs/smoking, even though you mean so well for him, and are concerned for him. (This was why I wanted my ex to stop too). No matter what your reasons are, he has to stop when he is ready. If he never does, as heartbreaking as it is, there is nothing you can do. I wish I had a better answer for you.

[N0help4u]

Either you love him and want to make it work despite his smoke or you have to stick to your values and leave him. You can't force your wants on his lifestyle decisions. If he quits he quits if he doesn't live with it if you love him that much.

[LostInHisEyez]

You can't change the guy. If he wants to smoke, he will smoke and will only quit because he wants to. I had a similar problem with my ex. She started smoking all of a sudden after 2 yrs not smoking and it really bothered me. We had some fights about it, I told her if she really loved me she would quit such a bad habit that she doesn't need. Then she started smoking more just to spite me.

I agree with this. My ex, said that he was always curious about smoking but would "never" smoke for me. When we took a break, he was smoking like crazy. When we got back together he would always ask me why I didn't like it, and I told him that I just didn't want him to see him digress into some loser. He got mad, we broke up, he smoked everyday for almost four months.. . so what I'm trying to say it that you can't change a person. They're not going to change unless they find it good for them. And you can't make them choose, because of course they'll pick you, but the moment you leave again- they'll start where they left off.

Hope this helped?

[Distantlove]

Thanks, all your advice has helped. I either have to decide whether ill accept it and stick by him, or leave him. I just don't know what to do, so much is running through my head and I'm finding it difficult to think but when I do think it upsets me. He's going to carry on with the drugs and smoking even if I did ask him to quit, he won't change.
I appreciate all the personal experiences as well, it helps to know that other people have been in a similar situation. A bit of me was hoping that maybe in the future he'll mature more and realise drugs will have a bad effect on him, but he probably won't. I just don't know whether to give him a chance and see how it goes and whether I begin to get used to it with time, or whether I should just call it quits now..

[talaniman]

I think its pretty obvious you two have feelings for each other, but are not very compatible right now. You both have those annoying issues with each other, and they will always cause you resentments and arguments. It takes more than strong feelings to make things work, and what you both DON'T know is hurting you. (coping with each other, and yourselves, communicating, working together)

I think being apart will be better than than constantly being irritated by the others quirks, behaviors and habits. I don't see you growing together, and though it may hurt for a while, being apart is better in the long run.

Quiting old habits, even for love, when he doesn't really want to, is a very long drawn out process, and he will be short, and irratable. So drop the romantic notions about changing for love, that's something he must do for himself, to succeed, and your asking for trouble by nagging him about it. Leave him to his own demons, and you work on yourself. You both have enough work to keep you busy a few years.

[viper9200]

You've predicted right, me and my boyfriend broke up yesterday because of the lying thing, (in my previous post about the smoking). We didn't initially start talking about it until i was upset about something else yesterday.

Just a little update before i explain though - the other day he asked me if i love him less because he smokes, and i said no i love him the same, then he asked me if i found him less attractive, and i kept quiet and he got upset. I then said "i dont find you as a whole less attractive, but smoking itself is not so attractive to me". And he understood and he said that he wants to stop smoking and cut down gradually because he cares about my opinion more than anyone elses. And i stupidly believed him for the next day after that, being really happy that he would do this for me. But then suddenly it clicked to me, that he probably won't stop because he won't change.

So now's the explanation of what happened yesterday - We were out for the day cycling and we stopped off at a park to chill out in the sun. We chatted and it was fine and we had a good cycle, until when we were laying there i started to think about the smoking thing again and was curious to see if he meant what he said about quitting, so I simply asked how it was going and all he said was "fine". And i asked him what he meant by 'fine', and he said "well i didnt have a smoke yesterday". And i asked him if he had one the day before and he said yeah. So i replied jokedly "So much for quitting then ayee" and he got annoyed and said "i won't be able to quit straightaway, it'll be gradually cutting down and my body won't need it anymore". But anyways, after that chat he started lying down somemore in the sun and didn't speak for half an hour and i didnt speak to him either cos i thought he was sulking, then finally i said "Are you just going to not talk to me for the rest of the day then?" and he said "What? You're the one ignoring me," and i said he wasnt talking and i asked him what was wrong and he said nothing, and i said "but you weren't talking to me and you're obviously agitated now" and he got angry and was like "Nothings wrong, so just get over it !" And this upset me, as i don't like it when he snaps (especially as i was just asking nicely) and he just didn't seem like him. So yer.. we carried on our cycle.

I was being quiet until finally i asked to stop for a bit for a break. And he asked me what was wrong, i told him about the snapping thing and how he does it a lot recently for no reason, it just doesn't seem like him. Then he said he was annoyed cos its awkward when i talk to him about smoking because he's embarassed of it as its not a nice thing to do he said. Then he started saying how quitting smoking wasnt top of his priorities right now, and how it was one of the least things hes thinking about, and i said "ok if you don't want to quit, carry on, its up to you because it's what you're interested in. But i wish you didn't lie to me and say you wanted to quit" and he said "I did it cos I just didn't want you to know about it". And i said "So you have a high potential of lying to me and i have to feel like you are always hiding something from me. It's not your problem, its mine, cos thats just how you are. But i have to either accept that or not". And he said "It is a problem for both of us because it shows we don't have an honest relationship". And we spoke more, and i found out that not only hes addicted to tobacco, but he also smokes weed nearly everyday when hes with his friends (and he does do other drugs aswell other times). He said thats how he has a good time when hes out, cos he likes to relax on a 'different level'. He said thats why me and his friends are really different because he can't hang out with me and smoke weed because i don't do it myself. So i said "fine, just do it infront of me if you want, dont stop yourself, thats what you want to do". And this made him think a bit better of it. I asked him if there was anything else he was hiding and he said "the smoking and the drugs were the two main things that i didn't want to tell you". He then started saying its probably for the best in the longrun to split up because we don't have an honest relationship, and i just agreed. I didn't want to fight for him anymore eventhough i love him so much. When i agreed he started crying. And i thought to myself, thats it, thes the end and im never going to see him again. And the thought of it just broke my heart. After our talk we cycled back to a pub and had dinner.

At one point he was staring and i asked him what he was thinking and he said "about us and whats going to happen" and i asked him what he meant, he said "i dont know, whether we'll still talk and get back together in the future, or whether we'll never see eachother again" and i asked what he would like to happen and he said "i would like us to get back together in the future, but we both need to take a break. I'v also noticed how i get agitated a lot recently and i don't like it. Time to myself would be good to try and sort myself out and it would be good for you aswell. I want to come back to you, who i fell in love with" and i agreed, i said time would be good to ourselves and i would like to get back together in the future, (although deep down i was thinking that im not sure if thats the best option for me..). He then asked me what i was thinking about and i said "im just wondering when we're going to see eachother again". He said "i can imagine it'll be around your birthday" (which is in a month) and i nodded.

Later when we got back to his, we spoke somemore. We were still kissing and acting like a couple. He broke down and started crying and saying "i dont want to lose you and im thinking about what would happen if i lose you, ide have no-one because i trust you and i love you only and i dont want to trust or love anyone else". He cried somemore and said "I regret the insensitive things i have said you, like telling you to get off my back or to get over it etc. and not taking your feelings into account, im so sorry, i really regret all of that. I never meant to upset you so much. I'm going to always love you forever". He then asked me what i was thinking about again and i said "just seeing you around my birthday" and he said "i can imagine it being a bit before that. like mid-july." and then we planned to go to london zoo mid-july cos we had the tickets ages ago. He said he was looking forward to it. He also started saying how he would help me with my art portfolio for university when i apply (which is in half a year and im planning to go to london because the course i want to do is good there, and thats where hes going too). So i get the impression he's hoping that'll we'll still be together in the future, and i really don't want to lose him either.

But then i started thinking about it more, and how it would break my heart to see him smoking drugs etc. because i don't want to see him doing that because its bad for him. I also know this girl (not know this girl but know who she is because she is my mums friend's daughter), and she did drugs all the time and eventually developed mental issues and had to go hospital many times. She is always very depressed and has attempted suicide many times. I can't see this happen to my (ex) boyfriend, im so scared of being with him in the future, eventhough i really want to, but it would break my heart to feel like he is hooked on drugs and the damage that could happen to him.

I just really don't know what to do, he was my first love and i'm his, iv never felt so strongly about anyone other than him. I don't want to lose him but i dont want to see him hooked on drugs either. But i'm 19 and so is he, do you reckon he would ever stop the habit of smoking weed and other things eventually? Does he need to mature more and realise the damage and the consequences? Or will he be one of those husbands that do drugs? I'm so confused about what to do, I know i will be so hurt and upset to feel that he is damaging his health all the time, yet i really don't want to let go of him because i already feel so alone. I don't know if i will find someone who will love me as much as he does. We have plans for seeing eachother in a few weeks and in the meantime having hardly any contact, just the occasional text, but mostly an email now and then to see what we've been up to and how we are. But what is for the best for me? Shall i stick by him? Or do i just have to let him go eventhough i love and care for him so much?

Please give me your advice. I'm so stuck. I;m sorry this has been long but i just had to get it out and explain it properly. Please help.

I have had a similar situation but we both married we been seeing each other for 11 months and she wanted to meet my kids who older . But I kept lying and I nw I think I have lost her for good