[DB84]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. He's the most wonderful person I know but he has serious issues related to addiction. Things got so bad between us because of his substance abuse, that I actually had him arrested once. He went into rehab two summers ago. When he came home from rehab things got better and better between us. He doesn't use drugs anymore but he still drinks. There are times when he's drunk that he gets so mean I don't even know who he is anymore. I can't bring myself to leave him because I'm so in love with the person I know he truly is. We've broken up so many times but somehow we always end up back together. We love so much but sometimes it feels like we just shouldn't be together. We had a fight and I have all I can do not to pick up the phone and call him. I feel like I can't live with or without him, but I don't want to abandon him. I just dont's know what to do anymore. Does anyone have any suggestions?

[Fr_Chuck]

You need to attend meetings for the partners of AAA members or other similar groups.

And no he is not a wonderful person, he is a drunk and mean when he drinks. He most likely will only get worst not better. And of course you can live ( and a whole lot better) without him. You are in love with being in love and not looking honestly at what a terrible relatonship you have.

It reminds me so much of the ladies who husbands beat them and then they come in the next morning with the rent money to bail them out.

You are in love with the person you want him to be not who is truly is, he is truly the person choosing the bottle over a good relationship with you.

[s_cianci]

You say you're so in love with the person he "truly is." Sounds to me like he's an out-of-control alcoholic. That is the person he truly is, sorry to have to say. I'd give him an ultimatum ; either sober up and stay sober, or you leave for good. The next time he's drunk, go away and don't return until he's sober. If he gets drunk again, repeat the process. Send him the message that you will only stay with him when he's sober. If he refuses to stay sober then you'll have to accept the fact that booze is more important to him than you are, in which case you'll have to move on and rebuild your life without him.

[confuzed]

He needs to sober up and go to AA. You should leave until he has gone to AA and shown that he can be sober for some time. Alcohol is a drug addiction too. One I have unfortunately seen far too much of. I just got out of a similar relationship where I "loved the real him" so much. Unfortunately, he would drink and become mean. He had quit for awhile but when times got a little tough he started drinking a little then a lot. Then things were probably the best in life that we had had them. House family and all, and yet he still kept drinking. I wouldn't want to even come home some nights because I didn't want to deal with the drunk him. Leave and stay gone until he gets help and can show you he has gotten help. There is also alanon and many wonderful groups for those dealing with addicts in their lives. Please consider using their resources! I hope everything works out for you and please be careful if you are ever around him when he has been drinking too much. If he blacks out he could get angry and hurt you and not even know he's done it!

[DrJ]

He needs to go to AA... Im sure he already knows what its all about going through rehab.

The meetings that you need to go to (that Father Chuck recommended) is called Alanon. It is for spouses or family members of alcoholics

[fredg]

Hi, DB,
I am so sorry to read about this. The fact is, there is nothing you can do for him! Please don't be offended by reading this. If he really is an alcoholic, and only he can say for sure, not me or you, then he is the one who has to seek help. Nothing you say will change it. Alcoholics do not change or seek help, unless something very drastic happens in their lives, and sometimes this doesn't help either.
If you wish to find out more, and I hope you do, please look in your local phone book, for Alcoholics Anonymous, call them, and ask for a number for an Ala-Non meeting. The Ala-Non meetings are free, last one hour, and you can meet others who are married to, have friends, loved ones, family, who are alcoholics. They are not alcoholics themselves, but have issues just like you.
Listening to those people talk, meeting them, willl help you more than anything else you can do. It will help you understand about him and yourself.
If you really love this man, please go to an Ala-Non meeting. I assure you that you will not be sorry you went. I do wish you the best... been there... done that!
If you wish to check out Ala-Non online, with chat rooms, here is a good link for more information:
http://alcoholism.about.com/od/ola/

[Wildcat21]

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! 1 Another women relying on her 'FEELINGS' - INSTEAND OF REALITY!!

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

This guy is NOT wonderful. He is self destrucive. There is no reason to be with him from what you say.

How about using LOGIC instead of



"He's the most wonderful person I know" - oh really?? AND YET - "that I actually had him arrested once. "

Oh my god - shuck those feekings. Take a dose of reality here. This guy is a jerk and a creep.

If he had an ONCE of love for you he WOULD quit drinking.

Pleas - you will find some one better.

Let me guess - you're under 25 and so scared you won't find anyone else. There are so many great guys out there.

You like this guy because he makes you FEEL hot sexy - YET he is kistHORRIBLE for you life.

How about some logic and reality?? / PLEASE!! Wake up

[kp2171]

As stated by others, I'm afraid he's exactly who you see when he scares you.

I have a relative in the family. Alcoholic. Took a long time but he finally got it together. Good guy. But he had to take action and do something about it... and it still works on it day to day.

Unfortunately, your boyfriend sounds a lot like my brother in law. The guy is just an addict. Once was drugs. Once alcohol. Sex. Money. You name it. He just cannot seem to function for long without latching on to something that ruins the rest of his life. And after 10 years, he's separated from his wife for the second time, he's lost one house, he wouldve lost a second if his family hadn't bailed him out... and there is just no end in sight. Been in rehab.

The thing is the guy knows its messed up. He knows its crazy to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result.

All I can tell you is that the guy is not in a position for a relationship. If you saw him at his worst when you first met, would you have dated him?

He has abandoned you. You haven't left him.

I lost a "love of my life" once after 6 years of being together. Was crushing. Took well over a year for me to get to thinking right again. And it was the best thing that couldve happened. Wouldn't you know it... after a few more tries and a few more years I found another "love of my life"... except this time it WORKS and I TRUST it.

You owe yourself more than this. You deserve more than this. And when you finally believe that you'll have the strength to walk away from that train wreck.

It'll hurt like hell for some time, but the only thing you're likely to regret in the long run is the time you wasted.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Get yourself out of it.

[Wildcat21]

Ughhhh - good stuff. This guy won't change for years!! Believe me.

QUIT using you feelings and use REALITY AND LOGIC!!

He is horrible for you!!

[DB84]

Thank you for all of your feedback. It's hard for me to disagree with any of your comments about the fact that I should get myself out of this relationship. However, I guess it's much easier said than done. I know I may sound nieve, but he is not the monster that everyone seems to think he is. There truly is a difference between an addict and a creep or a horrible person. I may be in a special situation because my father just recently developed a problem with alcohol. He had gastric bypass surgery about three years ago and the amount of alcohol he used to drink became a major problem after his surgery considering he's 1/3 of the size he used to be. His alcoholism quickly developed after the surgery but worsened year after year. From the outside looking in anyone would come to the conclusion that my father is an awful person. He's put my family through hell for the past 3 years, and he's about to lose his license for at least two years after getting his second DUI (he's 64). Is that there isn't a person alive who is as decent or loving as my father. He's an alcoholic... not a horrible person. I guess knowing this has caused me to apply it to my own relationship with my boyfriend. I do love my boyfriend and I don't doubt for a second that he loves me. I feel like I'm at a point now that whether he loves me is irrelevant. I am only 22 years old and I shouldn't be in this situation. Knowing all this, I can't bring myself to say goodbye. If he was a bad person at heart it would be so much easier. Like I said, easier said than done. I'm terrified to leave him because of what might happen to him without me, but I know it's not the best thing for me to stay with him. It's just so difficult to walk away from someone you love when all you want to do is help them.:o

[fredg]

Hi, db,
It is difficult to walk away from someone you love.
That's why I gave you the links I did, and highly suggested you go to an Ala-Non meeting. Your situation is different. You are not in love with a "normal" person, with the same issues that arise from many different things in a "normal" relationship.
You are in love with someone who doesn't want to stop drinking!
If an alcoholic does not want help, and does not want to see that he is killing himself, and has had many, many attitude changes (especially when he is drinking), then it will NEVER get better; it ALWAYS gets worse.
AA stands for Alcoholics Anonymous; it also stands for Attitude Adjustment, working the 12 Steps of Recovery.
If he isn't going to face up to it, then it will only get worse.
If you really love him, go to an Ala-Non meeting; see if there is any way others can explain it, and listen to their stories.

[talaniman]

I understand how hard it is to walk away from an addict but if you really want to help them YOU MUST,until they are left alone at rock bottom and decide to do something about their situation there is nothing you can do. It is their decision and theirs alone. You must have the courage to give the tough love that is needed for them to fall flat on their faces and endure the consequences. The sooner the better!:cool:

[kp2171]

Yeah. Its tough.

But you could be in such a better, healthier place.

I dated a girl for 6 years (17-23) who I'd say had some major emotional problems tied to her mother, who was mental. Loved her dearly. Thought I could be the rock that the relationship was built on. It was never as bad as your situation... but man it was a struggle at times. When it was good... it was really good. I was closer to her in ways that I've never been as close again... and I am very happily married.

But I have to tell you... it sucks for what seems like forever when you finally say enough is enough, but there is a point when things turn. Then you look back and only regret cheating yourself by holding on too long.

My grandfather was a mean, mean alcoholic. I never gave up on him. But I did distance myself from the misery he could bring. Your father... well he's your dad and always will be. Glad to know he turned it around.

But you owe yourself more than you owe your boyfriend. You are not obligated to try to save him at your expense.

Some people just don't want to be saved.

[momincali]

The first thing you must understand is that EVERYTHING is easier said than done. Brushing your teeth is easier said than done. So it's hard to quit, yep, SO WHAT??

2nd thing is that no one is calling him a monster, just an alcoholic. I am a firm believer that addictions are a choice. I do not subscribe to the idea that alcoholism is a disease, it's a choice. He chose to drink to the point that he was dependent on alcohol. He can also make the choice to get help and sober up for good if he wanted to. Even after getting help and completing his 12 steps through AA, he will still be an alcoholic, but a recovering alcoholic. Because the cravings are still there doesn't mean that he has to give in to those cravings. I love food, probably more than anyone I know. I LOVE pizza and every Italian dish known to man. I LOVE sweets. Now, if I gave into my love for those things all the time, I'd be a cow! But, everyday, I remind myself that overindulgence would take me somewhere I don't want to go and could someday kill me.

He has to cope with his desire to drink, respect his body, his mind and his life and reject the cravings every single day for the rest of his life. Do you understand what I mean?

Alcoholics don't recover over night, but they do recover. It will take him blood, sweat and tears but it is 100% doable. Sadly, even after an alcoholic is done with the program, there are many who relapse after a few months, even a few years. For that reason, I would not continue in a relationship with this man. If you were to marry him under the impression that he was clean for a year and then he relapses, what would you do then? What if there were children involved? Do you really want to chance putting yourself or your kids in a situation like that? You know the answer to this, you're just not willing to say it out loud or it may become a very bitter reality. It's already a reality, whether you're willing to admit it or not.

Your relationship with this man is a huge mistake. Your love cannot and will not save him. He needs to do that himself. He needs to take responsibility for himself or how can you ever really respect him. That he's a nice guy when he's sober is not enough. You have nothing to feel guilty about, this is his choice and a selfish one at that.

Would you introduce your daughter to a man like this? Would you really say "Sweetheart, there's this guy I want you to meet and hook up with, he's really nice...when he's sober. Oh, and if he gets outta hand, just call the cops and they'll save you, hopefully they get there in time. Just be there for him even if he is an alcoholic. Sacrifice your life for the sake of his addiction, it's the nice thing to do! And if you get married and have kids, just make them wear blindfolds and ear plugs so they don't have to see their drunk dad ruining his life and hurting you too." Would you really do that?? Listen to your brain, not your emotions.

[DB84]

I understand everything you're saying. However, I do believe alcoholism is a disease, not a choice. I guess I feel that way just based on what it did to my father. He literally had no control over what he was doing and I believe with all of my heart that if he did have control, he would have never made the awful decisions he's made in the past. I know that my boyfriend will be an alcoholic or hopefully, a recovering alcoholic for the rest of his life and that this will be an ongoing issue should I choose to stay with him. Of course I would never introduce my daughter to someone like my boyfriend, but I really don't think it's as simple as that. If he was who he is today when I met him, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to fall in love with him and become so attached to him. I am not saying that what anyone has said isn't true. I just feel like from the outside looking in, the answer to this dilemma seems so simple.. like such a no brainer. Of course I would have never wanted to be or never imagined myself to be in this situation a few years ago. It's just how things worked out for me I guess. For some reason something clicked for me this past week. I'm no longer in denial. I can finally say that there's no way I can save him. I know there's nothing I can do. It's just so hard to come to terms with.

[talaniman]

There is a phrase that we use a lot around here "Its easier said than done ,but it must be done!"

[momincali]

So glad to read that you are no longer in denial cause that's a bad place to be. I understand that it's hard to let go, but remember that you are not letting go of just the good part of him, you're letting go of the bad part too. The bad part is unfortunately so bad, it can't be helped by you. You didn't break him and no matter how hard you try, you can't fix him. Moving on with your life does not make you a bad, uncaring woman, it makes you a smart one. No one said it would be easy and wouldn't hurt, cause it will, but your brain has registered that this is no longer a place you should be.

I do sincerely hope that you leave this relationship because that is the only real way you will ever realize what you have truly left. Why? One day you will find your match. A man who will fit you like a glove. A man who is worthy of your admiration, love and respect. A man who will make you feel like you are everything and who will stop at nothing to earn your love. You will find that man, but only if you are moving forward cause it's pretty hard to see your future when you're constantly looking in the back mirror.

[drock]

I know exactly how you feel. Oh god its so terrible. Sometimes it is the most perfect relationship, and u feel like it could last forever, but then you have to consider if this is something you want to deal with indefinitely? The disappointment, the stress, the lack of trust. You deserve the best right? Does it make you feel good to have your own charity project? How long do you really think you can keep this up?

[lovelesspa]

What your in love with, is the person he might have been, or you had a glimpse of a good moment, unfortunately this is not what you have. Everyone can tell you he is a bum and leave, but your heart and mind is still "in Love", the only problem is, everyone is truly telling you the truth. He has a problem, it isn't you, your just "involved". And you need to get out, easier said then done!! The problem is the nice guy he was was when he's sober, isn't reliable, and you deserve better, eventually, in time you'll get it, but right now you need to cut your losses and move on to healing yourself, Go to Al Anon and check out what they have to say, it will amaze you, how many people, have the same problems. I promise you, life, does get better!

[drock]

I know exactly how you feel. I was in a serious relationship with an alcoholic for three years. He was my very best friend. I loved him more than anyone I could ever imagine. He would mess up, come to me in tears, we'd have a serious talk , he'd say he'll never do it again.. and on and on and the cycle just repeated in varying degrees of intensity for years... He went to rehab, quit for awhile, then relapsed BAD.. He crashed his car and got airlifted to the hospital. I was so upset, I forgave him immediately , just thanking God he was still alive. Then he quit again for a few months only for me to find hints of alcohol on his breath. He was a con artist with that stuff.He could hide it and pull it off better than you can imagine. Then I would feel like a jerk for accusing him and not truly knowing and that continued on and on. SO I would find myself depending on my undependable best friend.
90% of the time he was fine, but that 10% of the time I was making excuses for him to my friends and feeling really guity about dating him and even hiding it from some people. But I did not quit. It was a sort of co-dependancy. I just liked having him around. Then one day he asked to borrow my car and I was a little hesitant but he had done this a thouand times before and it was always OK. He called and said he would see me in an hour. 5 1/2 hours later I got a call from the hospital saying he had crashed. My heart sank. My car is totaled. He spent the weekend in jail. He pleaded with me to bail him out. Once again he wanted me to come to his rescue.. and I would have, if it had been anyone else's car.. or problem, but now its mine. I am out 10,000 dollars, money he will never be able to pay, considering all of the fines and stuff he will have to pay. And on top of it I feel like an for trusting an alcoholic. And I've lost my best friend. Went out with bang. All f my hard work, all of the effort I put into cultivating and nurturing that relationship for him to ruin everything SO quickly. And all it did was put me in a tough spot. He calls crying about how sorry he is , and maybe he has finally hit rock bottom and will get real help. But I won't be there for it. Not when it ruins my life like this. And its so depressing. I miss him so much. But I can't go back to him, because I know that would only enable him to keep doing stuff like this.
Please don't get so far in that you can't get out before it affects you greatly!
It would only take a disaster like this for me to leave him. Believe me, I held on through the thick and thin.
But be smart. Now I am depressed and humilated... I was just trying to be nice.