[Adrian Johnson]

My girlfriend and I (both in our early 20's) have been going out for close to 5 months. Also 3 months before she started dating me, she had just ended an intense 3 year relationship and had been emotionally abused. (Fyi, she's also completely cut him off from her life, so I know the ex is not an issue).

Anyway, the first 3 months of our relationship were truly amazing (we saw each other almost everyday etc), but since then we've had little fights over me saying that she cannot provide enough time for me and her saying that I'm taking up too much of her time. The fact is, in the last three months I only have seen her twice a week (3-5 hours each time) and speak to her only about half an hour to an hour on the phone on the rest of the days. But she still feels that this is too much time, although it should be noted that she studies part time, does house chores, does religious work and on top of that works about 30 hours a week part time and so is usually exhaused by all of this.

But anyway, she finally admitted to me after much soul searching, that she needs more space in the relationship and this is because she never had that time to feel single, rediscover herself and fully heal before the transition from her previous relationship to mine. What this means now is that we still have feelings for each other, will call this a relationship and will still only exclusively date each other, but it also means that she will only want to see me about once a week, talk on the phone about 3 times a week and that's pretty much it. And with this space, she'll just do her own thing, like go to her favorite shops, meet up with all those friends of hers she's neglected in the past due to her previous relationship and even spend just a whole day at home reflecting her own thoughts about what she really wants to do in her life.

She told me that I have every right to end the relationship because she can't provide me the "coupley time" as much as it should be, but says that if we are to be together, she needs me to be really understanding of her in this time in her life and that it won't be forever like this.

My problem however, is that I've always been an impatient guy, but my strong feelings for her, make me want to make this work. So am I deluding myself in staying in this relationship and think that things will get better or will patience and understanding on my part really be worth it in the end?

[jrsg]

FIRST OF ALL, Follow her request and give her space. That I know for sure.

As for ending the relationship, I don't know about that. MY thoughts are that if you really love her, you will wait for her to make a decision. You two will either move on together, or go your own ways. But, I would give it some more time, and see how things go.

[f104]

Hi I am undergoing a very similar situation. I believe all I can do is give her the time she needs. Expect the worst but hope for the best as the saying goes. It's scary but if I truly care about her then I will give her the time she needs.

[talaniman]

She seems honest and straight forward to me and if you can't give her what she ask for then its pointless to continue with this relationship.

Having said that, it takes two to compromise, and set the boundaries of a relationship, and it looks like its all her making the rules, and you can take it or leave it. That in itself, is not a good thing.

Me, I leave, and find some one who is willing to work with me, and build a relationship together.

[Sikativ]

Usually when they want time and space, they want out. I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear but it's the truth.

If she's not willing to work things out between you two, especially about spending time together (something BOTH of you should want to do), then let her take the time but importantly, YOU should take the time and give yourself a good "think" on the situation.

It will help you clear your mind and organize your thoughts.

Try it, it did wonders for me.

-Sik

[Homegirl 50]

She is being honest with you. Getting into another relationship after a long and bad one was not a good idea to begin with. She has come to realize that. Give her the space she needs. This may mean the end or it may not. She has also told you that you have every right to end the relationship because she can't be what you want her to be.
I say give her space and then decide what you can and cannot deal with.

[damaged]

It seems like its her way or the highway... She gets to go out, have fun, and when she's ready she can come back to you.. Awesome (4 her)...
I would do the same as TAL, I'd leave... why wait for someone who's not willing to work on the relationship?. Leave her alone, enjoy being single and find someone who wants to be & spend time with you...

[eastcoast1]

Sounds like to me she is looking for excuses to end it, as Tal, and others mentioned, I would hit the road and find someone that is willing to compromise, without this, it will always end up in misery.

Good luck & keep us updated

[Homegirl 50]

She has given you permission to end it. This is on you, not her. You need to decide how much you are willing to take. But I think you should let her go. I don't think she is ready for another relationship at this point.

[Adrian Johnson]

Hey people, thanks for all your great posts and now things are just getting more complicated. As I said, we're still together, but now that I'm playing it cool (giving her space) and just doing my own thing, she's clingy again and is trying to talk to me everyday. And she wanted to meet me tonight or tomorrow and I told her that I was busy and can only meet her Friday. Also the fact now that I'm back in contact with all my 3 ex's and talking to all my friends again (majority are girls) I think is also making her clingy and sort of jealous. When I give her attention all of my free time, she seems to back away, but when I play cool, meet my chick friends, tell her that I won't buy anything for her etc (cos I'm sort of out of cash atm anyway) and she clings onto me. Lol. Is she confused or what :P Could it be that she just wants to be ignored? She's told me that in her last relationship, her ex would spend most Friday and Saturday nights with other girls and even stay as late as 3 to 4 am at their houses. I mean I don't mind doing that too, as I know a few female friends who'd more than love my company on a Friday and satuday night and the fact that I've been a player in my single days also means that I can still do that. But I want to be the good guy now and want to treat girls well. I feel as though my allegiance and my time should be with my girl and that I should treat her as a queen... I feel as though my bad boy days won't leave me.

[Adrian Johnson]

But anyway, I can see that on the positive side, I can use this time to also build myself and make myself a better person and develop stronger friendships and if things don't get better relationship wise, I know that at least I would have the strength to move on, because I didn't make her my life... Atleast as jrsg said, if I give this a go, we'll eventually come together or drift apart. And even when she told me yesterday that she missed me, I didn't miss her. Who knows, maybe she'll be the one that becomes clingy in the end and I'll be the one that wants space and break up. I guess life's like that... or maybe I'm just confused? :(

[talaniman]

Your take is right player, but fair warning, if you don't communicate, you will not be able to work together to build that relationship, and playing on her insecurities and fears is the last thing you want as trust is a cornerstone in any relationship.

You are learning that its not good, or attractive, for you to be clingy, or give up your whole life for anyone. That and honesty, will get you farther than any game of hard to get.

You can only get what you invest in a relationship, and there are no guarantees.

[Homegirl 50]

Don't play on her insecurities, that is not cool. If you want to branch out, spread your wings, do that, but let her know that is what you have decided to do. Don't play games. You may end up with nothing.

[Adrian Johnson]

Talaniman and homegirl 50, thanks for that. I think yeah I just need to find that balance. Cos I've also come to realise that I've been not just clingy at times, but also quite possesive (jealous), which probably made her want some space anyway. I think yeah, I'll take things one step at a time. I.e. today she was talking about seeing me 3 times a week, and I was like, whoah! That's what I wanted in the first place. But I'll be wise and not get my hopes up too high. See how things pan out. The positive thing out of all this is that I'm not making her my life as much anymore, but still not neglecting her. So yeah thanks everyone for the great points of view :)

[Homegirl 50]

Good Luck