[mnolan7715]

Hi all! You've all been so helpful before, I thought I'd come back to ask another question. I'm afraid my boyfriend doesn't love me anymore. I had written previously that he was very cheap and disrespectful to his mother, but most of that has been worked out.

My boyfriend is 29, and I'll be 27, and we've been living together for about a year. Well, its time to sign another year lease, and I'm not sure I should because I just don't feel like my boyfriend loves me anymore. I use to be able to put up with all his faults because he was very sweet and affectionate with me, but this seems to have all stopped. He barely acknowledges me when he gets home. Every night I go through the trouble of having a home cooked meal on the table, and he just heats it up and eats it without comment for thanks. He'll then go into the bedroom and watch hockey or play video games.

We've probably had sex 3 times since Christmas... its June. When I ask him why, he just responds with "I just don't have a high labido right now," yet, I catch him looking at porn all the time, and he constantly expects me to go down on him, yet I get nothing in return. He just seems to have no interest in me anymore. Often times I'll get all dressed up and put extra effort in to style my hair the way I know he likes it, and he won't even say "you look nice." He just doesn't aknowledge me. He says he loves me once in a while, but his actions just don't seem to match his words.

He knows that I desperately need to get my wisdom teeth out due to infection, but knows that my dental coverage is awful, and knows I can't afford to pay for it, yet doesn't offer to help me out. When I brought up that fact to him, he simply said "I can't support you and your terrible financial situtation." I think he just feels resentful because he pays so much more in rent than I do, but he doesn't seem to understand that I make half of what he does. He's not struggling for money. Quite the opposite. He works on Wall Street and makes tons and puts it away in a savings account knowing that I must spend every last penny to make ends meet. Not to mention, I own and pay for the car and everything for it, and all of the groceries. I don't even mind doing that, its just that I feel as though if I need his help with something as serious as a tooth infection, if he really loved me, he'd want to help me out. I don't know... maybe I'm expecting too much?

Anyway, he says he still loves me, and wants to continue living together, and even suggested buying a puppy together, however he did make it clear in a recent conversation that we're not getting engaged anytime soon. I don't even want to get engaged yet, so that's OK, I'm just worried that he doesn't see commitment possible in the future. Then again, why does he want to live together for another year and waste his own time?

Does he still love me?

[starlite1]

Hi MNolan,

It seems that he is in a rut of some sort (maybe in the relationship, work, family, etc). I would sit him down, and really say what is on your mind. Let him know that you are concerned by the way he has been acting towards you and his being emotionally (and physically) distant. You need to really try and find out what is going on with him, before you sign the lease again. I think he loves you, but... you need to know if he is 'in love' with you. I know this is a verrrry hard question to ask someone, but for your own sake, it is only fair that he be honest with you, and you be honest with him (tell him how you are feeling). Don't yell, or scream or anything, but be a little firm...

He sounds a little confused...
Please keep us posted, okay? We are here for you :)

[liz28]

Maybe there's some going on he not telling you, not neccassary cheating, it can be job issue or family problem. If he coming home every night but ignoring you and being selfish sexually it's a good time for a heart felt talk and let him know how you feel then you decide from there what to do. Sometime people grow apart and need the spark back, but it takes two not one. I would have stop cooking and see how he reacted to coming home to a noncook meal. Don't be hard on yourself because you tried and still trying to make this work but again its takes two.

I really can't answer your question if he loves you or not, only he can give you that answer, but actions speak louder than words. Be prepare to hear anything when you talk to him, good or bad, and make any needed decision you have to make, besides it always good to have a back up plan because he could help you financially get your tooth pull I don't see why not, your living together like a married couple without the benefits, I hope everything works out for the better as always you can always vent on here.

[NorthernNiceGuy]

MNolan,

I feel really sorry for you, it really sucks when you put a lot of effort into a relationship and don't get anything in return. The last few months of my relationship I was being treated just like that, actually worse. I was actually more depressed going through that than I was when it finally ended.

Your boyfriend could definitely just be in a rut, but since Christmas seems like one hell of a rut. He really needs a kick in the butt and has to realize that you aren't always going to be there for him if this is how he continues to act. I think you should somehow express these feelings you have to him. He has to know that you are not happy with how things are and that you haven't been for while now. Tell him you love and care for him deeply but that you can't see yourself living in a relationship like this forever. And don't be scared of the answer you might get, if it does provoke him to say that he isn't feeling this relationship any longer than you know the truth and can start moving on rather than wasting anymore time. That might not even be the case, it could be something totally different that his making him act like this, but you have to and deserve to know.

You deserve to be happy.

[talaniman]

Does he still love me?

NO, sorry.

[Romefalls19]

Wow... There's the Tal of old. I don't think he has strong feelings for you and you both are just hanging on to something that's not there.

[JBeaucaire]

No, you shouldn't sign a new lease.

His words and his actions don't have to match. His actions rule, so as long as his actions demonstrate MORE love than his words, that's fine. For you, it's the opposite. His words are OK, occasionally, but there's no action.

Actions rule, he's off the chart right now. You need to go independent. Immediately.

If you two stopped living together forever, you might actually go back to enjoying a good dating relationship. Maybe. But what would the point be?

You date to eventually get married. You played house and saw what was in store for you. What more do you need to know?

[mnolan7715]

Thank you all for your answers. Maybe it's that we both know its not going to work out in the long term, and we're just holding on. I'm getting to the point, I think, where I'm starting to lose interest in the situation. About 5 weeks ago, we took "a break," and while I was on this break, I met a really nice guy while I was out with my friends out one night, and I really liked talking to somebody else. I wound up giving him my phone number which was probably wrong, but I've been talking to him on the phone, and he seems to really be in to me. I suppose if I really still that in love, I wouldn't want to talk to anyone else. I do still love my boyfriend, but I just want a loving relationship. I don't know If I should continue talking to this guy or not. I'm very confused!

[liz28]

Maybe you should be friends rather then jump into a relationship you just got out of one and you still love your ex, I believe you said boyfriend. It's unfair to start something new when your not over your past, rebound relationships are not good and unfair to the other party involve. Take time and heal from your last and be free from your ex then you can truly give yourself to someone else guiltfree.

[eastcoast1]

Hi mnolan- sounds to me as TAL mentioned his feelings don't seem to be there. This might be a good time for you to be on your own, this will make the both of you realize if each other is what you want. You might end up realizing that the relationship is not balanced, and that you're putting in more than he is, which will lead to misery, believe me.

When my significant other is going out of her way to make me feel more special, you better believe I'm going to acknowledge/compliment her, you deserve more.

Good luck, and make sure you aren't doing all the work in this relationship, don't let anyone take you for granted.

[talaniman]

It would benefit you to take some time to yourself to regroup, before you just jump to someone else for the sake of having someone, or just being in a relationship.

[bethdrake]

Hi mnolan,

I hope all is working out with you and your boyfriend. Not to get off subject but I live on Long Island too and I'm going to start looking for a place to live. It sounds like you live around here too from some of your other posts.
Rent seems so expensive wherever I look. Would you mind telling me what area you live in and roughly what the rent is that you're paying? Hope that's not too personal but I'm trying to figure out how people my age can afford to live on LI. It sounds like you're having a hard time making ends meet too. I would greatly appreciate any suggestions you could offer in terms of what areas are affordable but at the same time also safe neighborhoods.

Thanks so much
Beth

[mnolan7715]

Hi Beth,

I was living in Bethpage which is nice and safe, but because its in nassau, it's a bit more expensive. If you want a more affordable place, you'll have to go further east. For the past month, since my boyfriend and I broke up, I've been living w/ my parents in Smithtown. I'm starting to think about moving out, and I've been looking further east around Port Jefferson, Lake Grove etc... It's all very expensive. Also, living in a complex is much more expensive than living in an apt somebody made in their house. That might be a good option. Another thing you can consider is getting a roommate or possibly a house share and simply renting a room. That might be the cheapest way to go. Goodluck!:)

[bethdrake]

Thanks for the advice mnolan.

It really is amazing how expensive everything is. I'm sorry to hear you broke up with your boyfriend. I'll have to look into some places out east.

Thanks again for the words of wisdom :)
Beth

[nubain]

Maybe you needed to stay with someonewho used to adore you, would have given you everything he had and loved doing what he wouldn't to you :)