[confuzed]

I recently left my boyfriend of 6 years. We were engaged but things went down hill really fast recently. He started drinking again and there had been no communication between us. His drinking was making him unavailable and I was very unhappy. Now he really wants me to come home (we have a house together) and I don't know what to do. He quit drinking but I just don't want things to go back to the way they were. Also I went out a few times since we've been separated and had a really good time with a really nice guy. Now I am finding that this is making me even more confused as to whether to go back. I still love him and think of all the plans we had for the future but I also realize that our relationship has been a very rocky one from the start. I almost feel I should give him another chance because I do still love him and I know he loves me a ton and says he will do anything in his power to make things right... I am very confused! Please help!
Also, I have been staying with my friend but I have found an apartment to share with a girl and need to decide what I am going to do. I will be in a lease if I move in and the ex is adament about me coming home and says he will be unable to deal with me not living at home. So I am trying to decide whether to take this place or go home and make it work...

[fredg]

Hi,
Difficult decisions are all part of life. At 64 yrs old, I know!
You must ask yourself, are you interested in your ex out of "pity", or are you still in love with him.
Since your ex is saying "he is unable to deal with you if you don't move back in with him", he is giving you an ultimatum!
If he really loves you, then it seems he would be happy to have you back, even with you living somewhere else. That's a bad sign.
Does he just want sex whenever he wants it? Or something else with the ultimatum?
Of course, it's your decision, but personally, I would live in the apartment, see your new friend, and give yourself some time to sort it all out. You willl find the person who is just right for you, and I do wish you the best of luck.
If you both really love each other, you will still be there for each other in another 6 months, or whenever. True love is hard to destroy. If you really are happier with someone else, then go for it with this new man. It will all work out eventually.

[confuzed]

It is not about sex when he wants it with the moving back in thing, he offered that we could sleep in separate rooms etc. He feels that us working on things not living together is going to end up with him being at my convenience and we would only be able to get togther when I feel like it etc. I am not sure if it is a control thing but I have had a few people tell me he seems controlling at times. And he feels that us living apart will not give us a chance to improve our relationship. Also, he says he wants me as his future wife and doesn't want to go back to the dating portion of our relationship. He says he has already done the dating thing and wants to move forward and not backwards.

[fredg]

Hi,
Being at your convenience?
This really does sound like he wants everything at his convenience.
He doesn't want to have to call you, get a date with you, have to go pick your up, take you back home, etc.
He is also afraid you might find "someone else". Maybe if you have a heart-to-heart honest talk with him, (which you might already have done, because you really seem like a wonderful person), you can convince him that you need some time to make up your mind.
Now, the BIG question is, do you want to marry him!
It sounds like an engagement is being offered by him.
Best of luck.

[jlm1275]

You have to set some healthy boundaries.

1. You really should - FOR YOURSELF - start going to a local Al-Anon meeting. They will help you set some good boundaries around his Alcoholism.

I was with an alcoholic for 7 years, and I finally just got tired of it. So I told him he had to get out, but that we were not "over". He HAD TO start attending regular Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, have 6months clean and sober - Have a sponsor, and be working the 12 steps actively.

If he wanted me. It was either me or the booze. FINAL!

He attempted it for a while, but did not succede. But in my going to Al-anon, I got healthier and was OK with letting him go. I was not confused any longer!

But I have seen many relationships in this situation become wonderful through the 12step program.

There was a reason you fell in love with him to start with. Hang on to that and see what happens.

[blueiman]

He drinks. So he would have to go through rehab and finish it. Then after a year or so maybe he is ready for a relationship. He is not ready for a health relationship now. You would have to take care of him because he can't do it alone!! He needs you there. She should get out now so she doesn't have to go through the pain again. My opinion, move on and learn from it. Take your chances with someone new. Good luck.

[CaptainForest]

I agree with the others. Definitelly get your own place, and date other guys, go have fun. Move past this guy.