[DJ 'H']

My friend 'S' is 22yrs old and has so many problems with guys it's unreal.

Recently she has been out on 3 dates with this guy 'K'. They have got on really well, had a lovely time he even invited her to a family party which is taking place in march. I have not seen her so happy in ages.

Yesterday I phoned her to catch up to discover her in tears. When I asked what was wrong she told me she had received a text from 'K' saying "I don't think we should see eachother anymore because I am still into my Ex"

No he only went out with his ex for 6weeks and it was a year ago. 'K's' ex finished with him over a meal in a restaurant.

He then said I will stay in touch, because I like you and think we can be friends.

My friend sent him a couple of messages asking him why? And offering to lend him an ear for him to talk to.

I explained to 'S' that he probably would not tell her anything because they have only been on 3 dates and he does not know her all that well.

I also explained that even though he was with his ex for 6weeks he may have thought a lot of her and got hurt when she split with him.

I got 3 male friends opinions last night:

Pete (my boyfriend) said he sounds "Mentally Unstable" - so that was no help.

'D' said that he sounded like an excuse and that he just did not want to see her anymore.

'C' said the same as me. I have told 'S' not to contact 'K' and to be patient and see if he contacts her.

But my friend is so upset, because every guy she dates seems to do this to her. I did my best to cheer her up last night - took her for a bite to eat, remenised on old times (when we were teens) and she perked up abit.

This used to happen to me a lot and although it upset me I used to just get back on my feet and move on. 'S' is not so good and doing so and is on a real downer.

What are your thoughts and do you think I have done enough to help her (advice wise) and supporting her will be enough from here or is there something more I can do to help?

[fredg]

Hi, DJ,
Dating is a normal way of life, especially for younger persons. We "oldies" are not concerned with it anymore, due to marriage, or finding someone compatible who we want to spend our time with, not married, etc.
It takes time to find the right person, and sometimes, some aren't willing to give it time, looking for someone fast.
I'm not saying your friend is looking for some fast, but it does take time, and usually doesn't happen overnight; or in some cases, doesn't happen within maybe months or even a couple of years.
I would be supportive of your friend, and remind her that "things do take time".
Good luck.

[DJ 'H']

I told her that. Her reply was "I am older than you, so I should have found someone before you did"

I explained to her it really did not work that way and it all depends on what paths we take to how long it is before we find the right one.

I even told her that even though I am happy with Pete, and I am falling for him, it did not necessarily mean he is the one I am going to be with for the reast of my life (as much as I would like him to be) - I said things can go either way.

I told her to get back out there and enjoy life and tried to take her mind off things as much as I could. Her sister lives in Brighton and is having a birthday party down there in 2weeks, so I have just swapped an all night DJ gig to a kids afternoon one so that I can go with her.

[curlybenswife]

Sounds like you need to give your friend a nice kick up the arse, if the guy can be as calus to dump by text then all I can say is he really isn't worth the ground he walks on, makes you wonder how many people he has on the go in secret and he probably realised he wouldn't get away with it for much longer.

But then there is also the common knowledge of if the women tries to hard the man stops responding and when the women stops and the man realises somesthings not quite right its when you get reaction.
Let her have her few days of feeling sorry for herself then I suggest you use your right foot I'm sure she will appreciate it after.
Good luck hunn this is why I don't have girl friends they are hard work lol

[DJ 'H']

Sounds like you need to give your friend a nice kick up the arse, if the guy can be as calus to dump by text then all i can say is he really isnt worth the ground he walks on, makes you wonder how many people he has on the go in secret and he probably realised he wouldnt get away with it for much longer.

But then there is also the common knowledge of if the women trys to hard the man stops responding and when the women stops and the man realises somesthings not quite right its when you get reaction.
let her have her few days of feeling sorry for herself then i suggest you use your right foot im sure she will appreciate it after.
good luck hunn this is why i dont have girl friends they are hard work lol

All my friends are guys. I only have about 6 female friends. 'S' is the only one who is hard work at times because she sees things so differently. I told her that she had text him too much and needed to leave it. I even said if you have not heard from him in a week or two then you know he really is not worth it. I even told her he has given you the "Lets be Friends" gag - which was an explantion in itself.

However she is determined to find out what the actual reason is for this guy giving her a lame excuse and won't let it drop until she knows. She is very strongwilled and cannot move on until she knows exactly the real reason - whereas I just say "he is a " and then move on.

[fredg]

HI,
If she is that "stronged willed", and has to know reasons, then it will be difficult for her. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to just simply move on, knowing you tried, it didn't work, and better luck next time.
If she really feels "in competition" with you, cause she's older, it will only make things worse, and she feels she has to act "fast". Hopefully, she will have a few attitude changes, and not let stuff upset her so much. You are a good friend, and she really needs you.

[DJ 'H']

HI,
If she is that "stronged willed", and has to know reasons why, then it will be difficult for her. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to just simply move on, knowing you tried, it didn't work, and better luck next time.
If she really feels "in competition" with you, cause she's older, it will only make things worse, and she feels she has to act "fast". Hopefully, she wil have a few attitude changes, and not let stuff upset her so much. You are a good friend, and she really needs you.

That's what I am hoping for. She is not in competition we me or anyone (that what she needs to realise) and finding someone before me just because she is older just is not the way things work.

I just don't know how I am meant to get through to her that finding a guy is not the be all and end all but if she gets on with her life and is content with it then she is more likely to attract the right kind of man. That's how I ended up with Pete.

[fredg]

HI,
This might be one of those things that we can only learn, personally, "from experience", of what works and doesn't. Hang in there.

[DJ 'H']

HI,
This might be one of those things that we can only learn, personally, "from experience", of what works and doesn't. Hang in there.

I guess I am ahead of her really in that sense and she is far behind - which just proves that the fact that she is older does not mean anything. I have been through so much in my life, I had to grow up at a very early age - so as I have gotten older my experiences count for a lot. Whereas she has had her problems, but still has a very thin outlook on life.

[curlybenswife]

There are a lot of people out there like that holly and sometimes it takes a little shake to wake them up and see the world how it really is, I had to grow up pretty young too and I don't think its done us any great harm in growing up just given us backbone.
Chin up id let her get on with it she knows where you are if things get ultra bad xxx

[DJ 'H']

there are alot of people out there like that holly and sometimes it takes a lil shake to wake them up and see the world how it really is, i had to grow up pretty young too and i dont think its done us any great harm in growing up just given us backbone.
chin up id let her get on with it she knows where you are if things get ultra bad xxx

You are so right! Thank you so much :)

[Wildcat21]

I am wondering how she comes across to these guys??

People Want What They Can't Have.

I BET she comes across as WAY too available. Maybe even needy.

'Treat mean - keep en kean' - don't literally treat them bad, BUT - dob't always rush to the phone, call them 10 times a day, text all day long etc.

SHe needs to be busy.

I bet she is way too open with these guys.

LESS IS MORE!! -she needs to give less of her self. Needs to learn to play hard to get.

AND why on earth is he falling so quickly for these jerks?? It should take lot of time before you fall for someone.

[Wildcat21]

IF you act too anxious to make a relationship work, even if the other person initially seemed to be the one who wanted it, they will become turned off and start looking for the exits. Next time you decide you really want somebody, play your cards close to your chest. Don't let on how excited you've become. Slowly over many months of time you can eventually show more commitment on your part, but do so incrementally, remaining alert to equal signs of commitment back. If at any point your devotion is more than an equal share, back off and give the other person a chance to catch up before proceeding further.

It is their perception, rightly or wrongly, that someone nice must be desperately needy. The neediness or dependent characteristics exhibited by a person are actually what is repulsive.

[bizygurl]

Sweetie, you did exactly what you were suppose to. You were there when she needed an ear or a shoulder to cry on. And you took her out to eat to get her mind off the breakup. In my book you are a great friend. And I would have done exactly the same thing you did.

It is always sad to see a close friend get treated this way and even worse seeing them get very upset by it. Things happen the guy sounded like a jerk and she is probably better off without him. Although I know its hard for your friend to see that. You said this happens all the time to her, maybe it's the type of guys she goes for. If she is very passive and doesn't stand up for herself then jerks out there are going to play into that and take advantage of it. And it doesn't matter who is older in detirminig who finds a boyfriend first. That's is ludacrious, and your friend needs to stop putting a guilt trip on you because you have a wonderful man. She will find the right person it will take time. I always believ that you find someone when you weren't looking.
You keep doing what your doing and be a friend to her and don't worry in thinking it may not be enough because it is.

[s_cianci]

Any one of the suggestions you've received is a possibility. Evidently S was on the rebound and using K for a cushion. I wonder if maybe K expects too much too soon, perhaps making the mistake warned about by so many on this forum, of being too available too soon. The best advice you can give K is to pick herself up and move on. In the future she may want to remain a little more aloof. She may need to be a bit more flirtatious to get mens' attention, but once she's got it she needs to back down. It sounds like maybe K is the female version of the "wuss" that, as others on this forum will tell you, women hate so much. You know the type ; too nice, too sincere and, as a result, allows herself to be used as a doormat. Playing Mrs. Nice Guy never cuts it just like playing Mr. Nice Guy never cuts it. K probably needs to be told this in a tactful yet firm manner.

[DJ 'H']

I am wondering how she comes across to these guys????

People Want What They Can't Have.

I BET she comes across as WAY too available. Maybe even needy.

'Treat mean - keep en kean' - don't literally treat them bad, BUT - dob't always rush to the phone, call them 10 times a day, text all day long etc.

SHe needs to be busy.

I bet she is way too open with these guys.

LESS IS MORE!!! -she needs to give less of her self. Needs to learn to play hard to get.

AND why on earth is he falling so quickly for these jerks???? It should take lot of time before you fall for someone.

I know wildcat you have got her down to a tee - I have tried teeling her and making her see this but she is strongwilled and does this regardless of anything I have said. She is stubborn!!

I am not sure there is any other way to tell her part from to let her continue to make her own mistakes and hope she realises in the end.