[sittergal]

My husband and our friend have been having an emotional affair for 2 years now. I found out by the cell phone bills and our oldest son had made comments. He moved out in Oct. 2007 and he is wanting to come back home. I told him that he couldn't be her friend and that I wanted him to call her and tell her that they couldn't be friends anymore and he didn't want to do that. I just don't know if I can let him come back again and hurt our boys and I.:( :confused:

[George_1950]

You could agree to let him come back, but he lives in a separate room, and no cell phones for twelve months. He has to pay at least 1/2 of his living expenses in this arrangement.

[life1973happened]

Dear Sittergal...
Why is it so important to you to give him that ultimatum? If he wants to come home, that means he loves you and wants to give the relationship another chance. What are you afraid of by him coming home? You mention it hurting your children. Playing devils advocate, is it really hurting your children that he keep a close friend, or does it hurt them not having their father at home?

Is this emotional affair the reason he moved out? I think it's important to take a step back and ask yourself if making this demand is about your children or about what you fear.

[mafiaangel180]

If you are unsure if you should take him back, just ask yourself one question... will you ever be able to freely trust him with out snooping, checking in, telling him who he can and can't hang out with? Because ultimately despite the fact that marriage is a factor, people do what they want... hence the emotional affair. If you think that you get past this (with or without therapy) then take him back. But if not, just forget about it and move on. Good luck.

[LearningAsIGo]

Personally, I think he should be willing to remove her from his life if he wants to begin again with you. She was an active participant in an affair and its not unreasonable to ask him to put you first. It would be healthier for all 3 of you to gain some distance emotionally... so that the two of you can come together without fear of her presence.

If you make one stipulation, make it this:
Make a pact between you to start marriage counseling to get back on track.

[sittergal]

Personally, I think he should be willing to remove her from his life if he wants to begin again with you. She was an active participant in an affair and its not unreasonable to ask him to put you first. It would be healthier for all 3 of you to gain some distance emotionally... so that the two of you can come together without fear of her presence.

If you make one stipulation, make it this:
Make a pact between you to start marriage counseling to get back on track.

We went to 3 counseling sessions and he didn't like the book that he was suppose to read and he kept forgetting to fill out the separation agreement form that the doctor had asked to do. It has been more than the just the phone calls also he has called me her name and has been around her a lot when I wasn't around and the way her looks at her hurts. I am so confused about all of this.

[George_1950]

sittergal writes: "It has been more than the just the phone calls also he has called me her name and has been around her a lot when I wasn't around and the way her looks at her hurts." Have you asked the doctor about your husband's lack of interest in the counseling process? Sounds to me as though he wants to have his cake and eat it, too.

[sittergal]

Dear Sittergal...
Why is it so important to you to give him that ultimatum? If he wants to come home, that means he loves you and wants to give the relationship another chance. What are you afraid of by him coming home? You mention it hurting your children. Playing devils advocate, is it really hurting your children that he keep a close friend, or does it hurt them not having their father at home?

Is this emotional affair the reason he moved out? I think it's important to take a step back and ask yourself if making this demand is about your children or about what you fear.

I think he loves me, but I don't think he loves me as much as he thinks he does. I just don't think he wants to be by himself and he wants to get away from his parents because that is where he has been living. He said that it will kill him if he sees me with someone else. I have let him move back in twice but he just keeps going and doing something stupid. He just doesn't understand how I feel. We have gone to counseling and he didn't comply with what the counselor asked of him. He has called me her name and just the way he looks at her hurts. My oldest son says that he and his dad get along better with his dad not being here. The youngest one doesn't say too much.

[sittergal]

If you are unsure if you should take him back, just ask yourself one question...will you ever be able to freely trust him with out snooping, checking in, telling him who he can and can't hang out with? Because ultimately despite the fact that marriage is a factor, people do what they want....hence the emotional affair. If you think that you get past this (with or without therapy) then take him back. But if not, just forget about it and move on. Good luck.

I no I want trust him for a long time and I do watch him closely. I am afraid that he will never stay completely away from her. It is hard because she just got a divorce and she has two children and all of our kids are in sports together and we all have campers down at the lake so we are always around, but I don't talk to her and I stay away he just can't seem to do it. We have gone to counseling, but he didn't comply with the counselor.

[mafiaangel180]

I no I want trust him for a long time and I do watch him closely. I am afraid that he will never stay completely away from her. It is hard because she just got a divorce and she has two children and all of our kids are in sports together and we all have campers down at the lake so we are always around, but I don't talk to her and I stay away he just can't seem to do it. We have gone to counseling, but he didn't comply with the counselor.

If he won't comply with the counselor, and you do not trust that he will stay faithful to you. You must make a decision and stay and put up with it, or you can leave.

[talaniman]

Takes two to make it work, and he is not doing his part, so don't be confused, or feel guilty. He has made his choice, so get a lawyer, and keep him out of your life.