[MadamaButterfly]

My story starts in high school. I was a very shy girl and I didn't really do much dating. I knew something was wrong with me because if I couldn't picture myself with a guy in a long term relationship, then I wouldn't go out with him.

This one guy who I thought was kind of cute asked me out. Though I couldn't picture us lasting very long, I decided to give him a chance. We dated for about three months, but part of me felt like I wasn't ready to go steady with anyone yet. Not because I didn't want to be tied down, but because I was just afraid that I didn't know what I was doing.

I let him down easy and we remained friends. There was always tension between us, but we were still friendly. But at the end of that summer right before the first week of school, I missed him. I wanted us to be dating again so I asked him out. We dated again for about five months. We got to know each other a lot better than the first time around and I was afraid of the feelings I had because they were getting stronger. At the same time, I was struggling with very low self esteem and very high stress. My schedule was much crazier than when we previously started dating and it was time to start looking at colleges.

At the same time, a group of the "popular" girls started teasing me for going out with him. Looking back, I think they were jealous and floored that someone as cute and unique as him would want to be with someone as boring as me... at least, boring in their eyes. They didn't even know me. But these girls got on my case, telling me that you can't dump someone and get back together. I was called everything from a tease to cheap.

I couldn't handle it anymore. I made a HUGE mistake. Instead of talking to him about it, I decided to end it once and for all. I made it clear that I still cared about him and wanted to be friends, but I wasn't honest about why I was dumping him yet again. I didn't want him to think I was a basket case and I didn't want him (or anyone) to see how sensitive and vulnerable I really am.

After high school, I never saw him anymore. He started working and I went to college. We stopped talking. But I always wondered about him. I always came so close to picking up the phone but I always chickened out. That went on for about two years. I dated in that time, but I only found myself comparing those guys to "the one that got away." None of those relationships lasted very long, obviously. I wouldn't even call them relationships.

I wasn't very happy at my college so I came home and enrolled at a junior college close to home. Who should happen to be in my same program and same classes but the ex. (no surprise though, we're both into theater) I was so thrilled and shocked and happy to see him. And he appeared happy to see me too. A few weeks later, I discovered he's been with another girl for the past 2 years. He's in love with her and she loves him.

I won't bore you with the details of how hard I took it.

Since then, we've been doing the same "still good friends" song and dance, but it's killing me. I didn't obsess over him. I'd have periods of times where I'd convince myself I was finally over him, but then a short while later I realize I'm not. I still try dating but it's still not working out. I'm not seeing anyone right now.

2007 was a rough year for me. There was much family drama what with people getting sick, getting hospitalized, losing jobs... it was a terrible time. But he was always there to listen and told me that he'd always be there for me and that he considers me a very dear friend. Now I'm making a transfer to another school and I don't know if we'll keep in touch. I sort of doubt it.

My wish is that we could be together. I've been wishing that for years. But I know it simply won't happen. Yet I am worried because I've had such a long time to accept this and move on and I don't think I have. I want to start dating again, but I know I'll start doing the thing where I judge the guy and realize he's not going to make me happy because I'm still stuck on the other guy.

I know this sounds obsessive, but I'm just being honest about how I feel. I'm not stalking the ex or anything (my brother's ex is currently stalking him/my whole family and it is REALLY creepy! I could never do that to someone!) and I can function, I can be happy, I have a good life... it's just the romance part of my life that seems eternally screwed up. What am I supposed to do? I know the answer is to move on, but I feel like I can't. Is that a sign that I should tell him how I feel and take it from there? Maybe I'm just waiting for closure on his part... like I need to hear him say "I will never, ever leave my girlfriend for you so just forget it." I don't think I could stomach that.

I'm really confused here. Sorry for the looong post.

[Bluerose]

MadamaButterfly,

This isn't as strange as you may think. I think most of us still have people in our past that we wonder about and think 'what if' about. I know I do. We can let other people into our lives and still have our memories of the other person. It's all a matter of compartmentalising. Open one of those little storage boxes in you psyche and tuck him away for a while, let new people in, and be prepared to get on with your life. If you believe in Karma then there might be a cosmic plan for you two to meet again when all the circumstances are right. But there is absolutely no reason to put your life on hold for one man. If you do, you will look back in twenty or thirty years and wonder where your life went. I always say, what's mean for you won't go by you. ;)