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clinton mccoy · Jan 3, 2008, 09:31 AM

I have a girlfriend and the mother of two children, who I think loves me but has never said it. Her actions show this love. I am 34 and I do not think I have ever been in love. I spent the first 15 years of my life being raised by a hard nosed marine, then the next 15 years in the cut throat world of the streets. I felt abandoned at the age of 15 when I was sent to live with my mom(even though I thought that is what I wanted). Mom my mom turned out to have problems with drugs, and could not offer the stability and firm hand of my father. So I turned to the streets to raise me. I had to practice being emotionally detached to not just survive, but also thrive. Now I have passed that stage of life but I am still afraid to love. Many have loved me but I could not return the same emotion< I do not want it to be my turn. I also feel like I am not ready for a monogamous relationship. I know if I do not changes because I am ready I will not be happy. Am I wrong for putting me first? Do you think not being monogamous can have a biological basis?Do I fit a profile and what should I do? I would prefer non religious answers and examples, but all constructive criticism will be accepted.

talaniman · Jan 3, 2008, 09:41 AM

No criticism, just and observation. You are changing, and it important to be patient with yourself, as change takes time and work. You may not see progress until you have let go of the old thinking, and can embrace the new.

lavenderly · Jan 3, 2008, 10:25 AM

Yes, I think not being able to be monogamous has biological basis. People who cheat and have affairs and eventually get divorced, will see their next generation or siblings in similar fashion.

It is probably due to the childhood experience one encounters, or one learns from their family members when dealing with relationship matters. So, do not be surprised that u will need to make extra efforts to come of that situation that u are likely to "inherit".

Do consider counselling because the inability to commit to a relationship exclusively needs professional aid, or else you will struggle a lot. Also, remember that if u successfully changed into a man who can have monogamous relationships, it takes MAXIMUM efforts to stay loyal since the tendency of straying is there (due to childhood upbringing).

But take note that u do not hurt anyone if you are unsure about yourself. Do not plunge into a relationship until you know you can offer the love, loyalty, and care to others.

clinton mccoy · Jan 3, 2008, 12:23 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

No criticism, just and observation. You are changing, and it important to be patient with yourself, as change takes time and work. You may not see progress until you have let go of the old thinking, and can embrace the new.

I am patient with myself, but it is hard for my girlfriend/child mother to understand. She has only known me for 3years. She does not understand my struggles with addiction, making fast money, and self-empowerment. I have made many improvements in my life. I know this is also one, but it is hard when I do not really want to for myself, but I would like to make her happier. It takes time I know. I feel I am a good Father and a good man, but not perfect.

clinton mccoy · Jan 3, 2008, 12:26 PM

[QUOTE=lavenderly]

Do consider counselling because the inability to commit to a relationship exclusively needs professional aid, or else you will struggle a lot. Also, remember that if u successfully changed into a man who can have monogamous relationships, it takes MAXIMUM efforts to stay loyal since the tendency of straying is there (due to childhood upbringing).

That is why I am here.

Devistated · Jan 3, 2008, 12:41 PM

You have to discipline yourself and stop making excuses for why you are the way you are. Its simple, you have wrong and you have right.

Sorry,I was a Marine.

lavenderly · Jan 3, 2008, 12:46 PM

The counselling I suggested was professional counselling. One who has treated similar patients with the same problem. One who listens to you. One who follows up on your whole situation and hears the issue directly from your mouth. Spoken words can sometimes add a whole lot of dimension to your problem.

Wondergirl · Jan 3, 2008, 12:55 PM

Originally Posted by clinton mccoy

I feel I am a good Father and a good man, but not perfect.

And that's good enough--for now. I too encourage you and your woman to see a good relationship counselor. Then your woman can safely vent and find out about the things she can do to help you on your journey. The same is true for you. In fact, I wish I were your counselor. You sound like not only a worthy challenge but also someone who is willing to dig into those challenges and overcome them.

And don't forget. None of us is perfect. You walk the same road most of us do. The best part of you is that you feel the stones in the road when others kick them aside.

clinton mccoy · Jan 4, 2008, 06:59 AM

Originally Posted by Devistated

You have to discipline yourself and stop making excuses for why you are the way you are. Its simple, you have wrong and you have right.

Sorry,I was a Marine.

I did not think I was making excuses, just giving an overview, but maybe I was on an subconscious level.

Devistated · Jan 4, 2008, 07:11 AM

I wasn't trying to bash you.

clinton mccoy · Jan 4, 2008, 08:15 AM

Originally Posted by Devistated

I wasn't trying to bash you.

Did not think you were. Your opinion, my clarification and consideration of your opinion.

EuRa · Jan 4, 2008, 12:10 PM

Do you love yourself?

I mean, can you stand in front of a mirror, look at what you see, and in all seriousness say:

"I love you. I love you as a human being, I love you as a friend, and I will do anything for you."

If you can, you are ready to love back. If not, then you need time alone. With that time alone, you will learn so much about yourself, that one day, you will look into a mirror, and without judging yourself, you will love everything you see.

After that, loving will be easy, especially the right person.

talaniman · Jan 4, 2008, 01:09 PM

Originally Posted by EuRa

Do you love yourself?

I mean, can you stand in front of a mirror, look at what you see, and in all seriousness say:

"I love you. I love you as a human being, I love you as a friend, and I will do anything for you."

If you can, you are ready to love back. If not, then you need time alone. With that time alone, you will learn so much about yourself, that one day, you will look into a mirror, and without judging yourself, you will love everything you see.

After that, loving will be easy, especially the right person.

This is great advice Clint, love yourself and be happy with yourself. Others love it when you share happiness.

clinton mccoy · Jan 4, 2008, 02:08 PM

Originally Posted by EuRa

Do you love yourself?

I mean, can you stand in front of a mirror, look at what you see, and in all seriousness say:

"I love you. I love you as a human being, I love you as a friend, and I will do anything for you."

If you can, you are ready to love back. If not, then you need time alone. With that time alone, you will learn so much about yourself, that one day, you will look into a mirror, and without judging yourself, you will love everything you see.

After that, loving will be easy, especially the right person.

Lol! I have been to understand self 101 already. With out self actualization and deep introspection I would not be where I am now. Yes I do love myself and my children. I am just not big on emotions. I mean I care for people, just not monogamous.

clinton mccoy · Jan 4, 2008, 02:13 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

This is great advice Clint, love yourself and be happy with yourself. Others love it when you share happiness.

Have you been happy being one way, but knowing another way would be even more fulfilling and knew you where not ready for the other thing? If this makes sense, that is how I feel about love and being monogamous.

talaniman · Jan 4, 2008, 06:27 PM

Originally Posted by clinton mccoy

Have you been happy being one way, but knowing another way would be even more fulfilling and knew you where not ready for the other thing? If this makes sense, that is how I feel about love and being monogamous.

Your right, I've been married and monogamous since me and the wife got together, but that's my life, my choice. If you feel differently, then be what you want, just be honest and upfront about it. Sorry I took it as you wanted to be monogamous, but couldn't. My mistake.

clinton mccoy · Jan 5, 2008, 07:20 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Your right, I've been married and monogamous since me and the wife got together, but thats my life, my choice. If you feel differently, then be what you want, just be honest and upfront about it. Sorry I took it as you wanted to be monogamous, but couldn't. My mistake.

I know it would be best for me to be monogamous, but I am enjoying myself. I know to most people it is considered imature for my age. Is lust a symptom of something?

clinton mccoy · Jan 5, 2008, 07:21 AM

[QUOTE=talaniman]Your right, I've been married and monogamous since me and the wife got together, but that's my life, my choice. If you feel differently, then be what you want, just be honest and upfront about it. Sorry I took it as you wanted to be monogamous, but couldn't. My mistake.[/QUOMay I ask your age? How long have you been married? Have you ever thought about cheating?

nkychic · Jan 5, 2008, 07:33 AM

Of course you have trouble "loving" a person. Look at how you've been forced to grow up. In an ideal world, everyone should learn love from the people who brought them into this world, their parents. Unfortunately, like in your case, this is not how it always works out. Don't blame yourself, you are just living what you've learned or maybe you are afraid to love someone because you are afraid that you will do to them what your parents did to you. You are changing, period! You have realized that there is something wrong and you know the reasons behind it. Pat yourself on the back, because some people go their whole lives never even acknowledging a problem. This is a BIG accomplishment not to be taking lightly. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself the time you need to grow. You have realize that all the sh*t you went through growing up is what made you who you are now, and you AREN'T a bad person. Once you learn to accept the past as a "part of you" your ability to grow will become much easier to accomplish. I wish you luck hon and drop me a line if you ever need to talk. Keep us posted

<3 Leslie

talaniman · Jan 5, 2008, 07:38 AM

Im 54 in a few days, and have been married over 30 years, and yes, the thought enters my mind, but I have seen a lot of devastation and broken dreams, with family and friends, so yes I've been tempted, but no way do I put my soulmate, or myself through that, that simple. Keeping my focus on family has its benefits believe me, as they have my back, and I have theirs.