[Bertog6084]

Hey everyone. First off let me give a little backround. I am a sophomore in college, just turned 20. My girlfriend is a Senior in high school, 18 years old, no family whatsoever (except me) and she is going to drop out soon working full time. A few hours ago she mentioned to me that she stopped taking the pill because soon she won't be able to afford them and wants to get used to a new timeframe for periods. She also mentioned that she doesn't think she can get pregnant but is extremely curious to try, saying she indeed WANTS a child at this point in her life, thinking she is financially able to handle it. She is a waitress at Ruby Tuesdays and currently doing a homework assignment that requires her to take care of a baby doll for a day. I thought she would feel reluctant to having a child after this but she says if anything, it makes her more eger to have one.

My question is : How can I convince her that she isn't ready? No matter how much she thinks she is, a relationship between us wouldn't work out and she cannot possibly work and care for the child at the same time. I have already made the decision to no longer have intercourse with her while she is like this. (we have been dating for almost 4 years). If anyone who has gone through frights of pregnancy before please tell me what caused you to be fearfull and include anything that you have learned from having a child that they don't tell you in Health class!

I know I am not ready to have a child yet. I have to be careful as to not upset her to a point where our relationship ends.

[shygrneyzs]

You stop having sex with her for the very first thing you do. I would not even advise using a condom - they are not foolproof - they break, leak, and are not the surest thing for birth control.

When someone says they are financially able to care for a child and their job is working at Ruby Tuesday's - sorry - there is not enough to care for a child, unless she plans on relying on public assistance, WIC, AFDC, food stamps, housing, etc. That is not independence.

Does she understand that not all babies are born perfect? What would she do if her child were born with autism or down's syndrome or cerebal palsy or any other disability? My youngest son has Down's Syndrome plus juvenile arthritis plus a couple other medical diagnoses. That is a full time job right there.

Does she understand just what all it takes to raise a child? The costs for formula, diapers, doctor trips, medications, OTC's, clothes, daycare, and the list goes on. A baby is sure a blessing, I will never say a baby is not. But just as a couple cannot live on love alone, neither can a baby.

One thing, if she gets real upset at you, for refusing to have sex with her - that is a good thing. Maybe she will reconsider. Also - there are other places to access birth control at free to very reasonable. A public health clinic for one.

[N0help4u]

If she can't afford birth control how does she think she can afford a baby?
Also there is you to take into consideration, it should be a mutual decision to have a baby.
I am sure you don't want to be stuck with child support if the two of you break up.
Lots of girls say they don't think they can get pregnant----until they DO!
Your decision to not do anything that could get her pregnant is a good decision because if she wants to keep you she will have to rethink her priorities.

I had four babies and NO money, even lived in an abandoned house in the boondocks with my first. No transportation, couldn't get to prenatal dr care and so forth. While I wouldn't trade my kids for the world it was NO fun raising them. Their dad was gone by the time they were starting school. I had to raise them on basically nothing. I was good at that part. I had creative ways on how to get food, clothes and furniture for practically nothing, usually by bartering and finding deals. But always felt depressed that I couldn't do little things for them like take them places or buy them birthday and Christmas presents.

But with you I wouldn't even consider having a baby until I knew for sure that you two are really sure your relationship is going to be a lasting one. If you only knew how many guys I know that are suppose to be paying child support for all the kids to ALL the girlfriends they have had---they really are kicking themselves. Don't start yourself in the statistic.

[s_cianci]

Tell her everything you've told us here. And hands off as long as she refuses to use protection. If she agrees to it then it's either pill and condom or diaphragm w/gel and condom.

[macksmom]

I would tell her regardless of how bad she wants a baby... that you DO NOT... and she needs to respect that.

And follow all the great advice above :)

[melindameneely]

Hey everyone. First off let me give a little backround. I am a sophomore in college, just turned 20. My girlfriend is a Senior in highschool, 18 years old, no family whatsoever (except me) and she is going to drop out soon working full time. A few hours ago she mentioned to me that she stopped taking the pill because soon she wont be able to afford them and wants to get used to a new timeframe for periods. She also mentioned that she doesn't think she can get pregnant but is extremely curious to try, saying she indeed WANTS a child at this point in her life, thinking she is financially able to handle it. She is a waitress at Ruby Tuesdays and currently doing a homework assignment that requires her to take care of a baby doll for a day. I thought she would feel reluctant to having a child after this but she says if anything, it makes her more eger to have one.

My question is : How can I convince her that she isn't ready? No matter how much she thinks she is, a relationship between us wouldnt work out and she cannot possibly work and care for the child at the same time. I have already made the decision to no longer have intercourse with her while she is like this. (we have been dating for almost 4 years). If anyone who has gone through frights of pregnancy before please tell me what caused you to be fearfull and include anything that you have learned from having a child that they dont tell you in Health class!

I know I am not ready to have a child yet. I have to be carefull as to not upset her to a point where our relationship ends.

Kids take up all your time trust me I know I'm only fixing to be 19 and I have 2kids little girl one 16months and 1month and it is very hard

[flossie]

Looking after a computerized doll for one day is MUCH MUCH MUCH different than raising a real, living human being! Too bad the homework assignment doesn't make them raise that "doll" until it's old enough to move out on its own! There is no schooling that can prepare anyone for parenthood.

[trying4babykirk]

Just some advice to give her, look up Planned Parenthood on the internet and I can almost guarantee that you will fine one close, go there with her for support and she can get on birth control at little or no cost at all! Much cheaper than having a baby!

[Bertog6084]

Looking after a computerized doll for one day is MUCH MUCH MUCH different than raising a real, living human being! Too bad the homework assignment doesn't make them raise that "doll" until it's old enough to move out on its own! There is no schooling that can prepare anyone for parenthood.

Ugh.. I decided to sleep over at her place for the night and the thing starting CRYING at like 2am. It went on for what seemed to be an eternety then it finally quieted down. Few hours later cried again and she "fed it a bottle" for like 20 min. The third time, she just turned the thing off. I think that's all it needed to convince her that babies are too difficult for her right now.

Thanks for all your advice everyone!

[danielnoahsmommy]

Run run run very fast. Do not be with her anymore. She will lie and say that she is on birth control. Don't trust her. And if you must you should use condoms that you purchase. She can poke holes in her own

[snuffy]

run run run very fast. do not be with her anymore. she will lie and say that she is on birth control. don't trust her. and if you must you should use condoms that you purchase. she can poke holes in her own

Trust me, do not have sex with her in this frame of mind.

I am about to learn a very harsh lesson.

Read my post in relationships and see the mess I am now in.

And what's more my ex girlfriend has no interest in working things out with me.

In my situation I can only hope it is not my baby.

Please don't get trapped.

[kp2171]

...No matter how much she thinks she is [ready], a relationship between us wouldnt work out and she cannot possibly work and care for the child at the same time. I have already made the decision to no longer have intercourse with her while she is like this...

I know I am not ready to have a child yet. I have to be carefull as to not upset her to a point where our relationship ends.

So a relationship with her, with a child, wouldn't work out? OK... then why be with her? I know, you are asking for ways to change her mind about having the kid. You may not get that choice. And you don't even have that right. Not saying that she's making good choices at all, but you need to be thinking about yourself too.

At your age, if you get a person pregnant you ARE a father. Done deal. Like it or not.

Look, I think she's young and naïve. I think you are going the right way not having sex with her if you both are not on the same page... but the truth remains that when you have sex with ANY woman you are taking that chance and you are assuming that responsibility... to potentially be a father. Even if you don't have the moral belief that its true, you surely can be held legally to that truth (child support)...

What makes you think she couldn't just tell you she agrees with you while she plans on having a child? You are never going to know.

So look at my avatar. See the little toes? They are of my son. I love him dearly, glad he's here... but he was conceived while my partner was carefully using birth control. Even the pill has a 1-5% failure rate depending on proper or common use... and 5% is just another way of saying 1 in 20 chance. Not so much a longshot is it? My partner knew her cycle, knew when she should be fertile, was using birth control, and still became pregnant.

So I get where you are coming from. Raising a child isn't just about financial investment. Its time consuming. Its emotionally challenging. It's a commitment to another person, a young mind, who is needing guidance, love, and support, even when you want to be selffish. Its also the best hard work ill ever do.

... glad you are thinking about this. Hope you understand there's no guarantee, even with birth control, that you still won't be a father as long as you are having sex. And I'm thinking it might be time to back away if she's following this path.

I know its not easy to do that, especially with big first love. I dated my hs sweetheart 6 years... 2 years hs and college. But when you begin to drift mentally, its time to take stock in what is right for you. The security of the relationship can make you do silly things. Its really a false sense of security sometimes. The relationship becomes this big source of pride that becomes bigger than the individuals themselves. Been there, done that.

[LearningAsIGo]

I have to say I'm impressed that you know a better path for your life right now. Actions will be the true test though and I think it is better to avoid sex completely. If she's really desperate, she can lie about taking pills, using other protection, etc. to get the baby she's after. She could even lie and tell you she's changed her mind when she hasn't. Not that you have a bad relationship or she would WANT to deceive you, but stranger things have happened with women wanting babies.

Even if you 100% trust each other and both use BC, a baby could still come into the picture. I've used the pill for 9 years (correctly) and I got pregnant at one point last year.

[MarieLee89]

run run run very fast. do not be with her anymore. she will lie and say that she is on birth control. don't trust her. and if you must you should use condoms that you purchase. she can poke holes in her own

OK just because you did that you nasty sicko doesn't mean I would. We are married, he is airforce and I am joining next fall. It was a hypethetical situation I brought up, if we could afford a child, would he have onee with me.
And for reference for eveeyone else, I have helped to raise four kids in my lifetime including special needs children with shunts feeding tubes and all that glamour. I know what it takes and it is a lot. I just wanted to know how he felt.
My biological mother is a mom of four, all she had before 22. My older brother at 14. I have seen it all. My mom has seen the rest.
danielnoahsmommy, You are one crazy sicko. Really. Get some help. Its people like you that make me hate my gender

[LearningAsIGo]

ok just because you did that you nasty sicko doesnt mean i would. we are married, he is airforce and i am joining next fall. it was a hypethetical situation i brought up, if we could afford a child, would he have onee with me.
and for reference for eveeyone else, i have helped to raise four kids in my lifetime including special needs children with shunts feeding tubes and all that glamour. i know what it takes and it is alot. i just wanted to know how he felt.
my biological mother is a mom of four, all she had b4 22. my older brother at 14. i have seen it all. my mom has seen the rest.
danielnoahsmommy, You are one crazy sicko. really. get some help. its ppl like you that make me hate my gender

What in the world are you talking about? You pulled up a post that is nearly 2 years old...

[MarieLee89]

I would like to make a point that if what I wrote is disrespectful and assumptive then what does that make what danielnoahsmommy wrote? COMPLETELY DIS RESPECTIVE AND INSULTING AND ASSUMPTIVE.

[4thepeople2010]

Dang she's smart. At 18, I didn't EVEN want to have sex. I mean, well, I did, but I wasn't ready for say. And for her to want to have a child? My dear god why are people so much more mature than me? Lol.

She knew/knows about BC and has be in a relationship with you since 14. This chick is decades beyond herself.

[Roper]

I agree w/ danielnoahsmommy - the pull for maternity is very strong women and young girls don'w know any better. They don't see the struggles. Older women don't care - they worry about their biological clock.

Women get their way. When driven by their emotions, they don't accept things as they are AND THEY DON'T GIVE A WHAT YOU WANT. SHE WILL GET PREGNANT and no matter what kind of relationship you have with that child (you didn't want) - if you don't make him or her the center of YOUR life - he or she will resent you always and you'll be "the bad guy". RUN BROTHER.. '.. RUN.

[Roper]

I agree w/ danielnoahsmommy - the pull for maternity is very strong women and young girls don'w know any better. They don't see the struggles. Older women don't care - they worry about their biological clock.

Women get their way. When driven by their emotions, they don't accept things as they are AND THEY DON'T GIVE A WHAT YOU WANT. SHE WILL GET PREGNANT and no matter what kind of relationship you have with that child (you didn't want) - if you don't make him or her the center of YOUR life - he or she will resent you always and you'll be "the bad guy". RUN BROTHER.. '.. RUN.

[mcpooperton]

Four years later, how you holding up, man?