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Ashriel · Dec 9, 2008, 10:42 PM

So:

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months. We met online and then met in person four months later, and have been together ever since. He lives 6 hours away, and I have been out to visit him (driving) about 5 times since we started dating. He's been to my city once to meet my family and everything.
I love this man very much and I know he is the guy I want to be with forever. :)

However, I am struggling very much with being away from him. We see each other probably every two weeks average, for about 3 days each time, and for me, it's just not enough. :(
I'm struggling so much, because my love language is 100% physical, I love to be cuddled and hugged and kissed and holding hands, and when I don't get that everyday I feel like my needs are not being met and almost like I'm not really in a relationship.
I feel like that sounds so selfish/needy/slutty but it's true. I really need that physical closeness to feel loved in a relationship. (just like some people need one on one time or words of affirmation or gifts or acts of service)

I am the happiest girl in the world when we are together. But when we are apart, I am pretty damn unhappy, I am still able to be myself and hang out with friends and go about life, but I feel like life is less meaningful. I feel like I'm wasting time every second I'm far away from him.
I mean, my options are for one of us to relocate to the other person's area, for us to continue as we are, or to break up for the time being. I don't really want to break up, because I would still miss him like crazy, and that doesn't really solve anything.
He is in school so he can't really relocate at the moment, and I could easily move there, but I have friends/family telling me I shouldn't.

My family and friends think it would be a bad idea for me to move there for several reasons: they think I'm just moving from one dependent situation to another (I've never lived on my own), they think I'll get too lonely because I don't know anyone besides him and his family there, and I'd be living with him at his family's house, which could become a difficult situation.

It's just so hard waiting and I honestly am so emotionally exhausted from the missing him and seeing him so far and in-between. I am very tempted to just move there, but I know that could effect our relationship badly.

I don't know what to do and would appreciate advice! Am I being too selfish and impatient? How do I become more patient? :confused:

Empty Cans · Dec 9, 2008, 10:58 PM

From my experience of a LDR... you have to have an end goal in sight. A date whereby you will be living together. If you don't have that date in your mind, or that end goal of when you will be together... then you will grow apart and break up. Once that light at the end of the tunnel is extinguished, so is your relationship. If you love someone, you have to be with them. LDR's are very difficult... I don't envy your position, but good luck!

TrueFaith · Dec 9, 2008, 11:11 PM

Hello speaking from someone that is in an L.D.R

You must have an end goal in sight. My girl is away for 6 months.. so when the time ends we will live together..

Or So the plan is :) but here is the thing. Even with l.D.R and relationships. You have to take your time. And just relax

Use this relationship to enjoy your time. I know you don't think its much without him.
But plan a date when you guys can be together.. if its in 3 months then so be it.

Don't rush into anything. Be sure that's the one thing you want. And its good for you!
No good in moving to a place and being all alone when things go wrong.

You have to live your own life.

You can always do it like this.
Move there with him for a few months see how you like it. If things go south then move back.

That's the best part about moving :) you can keep on doing it.

As long as this does not effect your work. And you can get a good job up there.

Anyway all the best

talaniman · Dec 11, 2008, 07:00 PM

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months. We met online and then met in person four months later,

For someone who has been with someone, in a LDR, yes, you are way to needy, and obviously inexperienced, to be making life changing decisions such as this.

Honestly, you need a more thought out plan, based on facts, and not just the very intense feelings you have that you frankly aren't dealing with very well.

If you can't slow down learn and grow, together, you will surely crash and burn and be very hurt that you rushed into the unknown, with no thought, or plan.

Sorry, but I doubt he feels the same (?) and probably would rather go slow, and do this right. You can't want out of the house that bad, can you??

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

If your freaking out now, and times are good, then you really will freak out when the honeymoon phase is over and you realize he farts too much and snores.

Read the link above and give it some thought.

QUESTIONS??

Ashriel · Dec 11, 2008, 09:42 PM

Talaniman:

I agree that I'm inexperienced, I truly am; however, I know that I want to be closer to him to pursue a relationship, and I know that if I do not plan a date when we can be living close together, we will most likely not last.

My plan at this point is to move there in 3 weeks, because not only are we in love and the very best of friends wanting to be part of eachother's daily lives, but I also don't have much here at home holding me back (e.g. a great job) from moving there. It'll be a fresh start, and a new place, and I'm very excited for the opportunity to get to know my BF even better, close-up and personal.

We really are going to be rushing into the unknown, but it will be an opportunity to learn and grow together, just as waiting would be.

He does feel the same as me. He wishes we were closer, that we could see each other more often. Each of us feels that the other completes and betters our life. We honestly are so excited for the chance to be together and learn together.

I completely disagree that there is a way to do this "right". I don't think that for me to wait for years until I know without a doubt that he is acceptable is any more "right" than for me to move closer and learn without a doubt he is acceptable while being in the same town. I think there are different ways of doing things, maybe safer and less scary ways of doing things, but not right ways and wrong ways.

Also, I am not freaking out. I am trying to better my life and my relationship, and figuring out the best way to do that.

(oh and by the way, I know he farts and snores. He's a guy. I'm not concerned.)

I have grown dependent on him in some ways, I admit it. Our relationship isn't the most balanced in the world, with me going to visit him more than he's visited me.
But I see these things as small issues compared to the fact that we genuinely love and respect each other, and we are the best of friends. No relationship is perfect. But looking at what I've got and what lots of other people have gone through in their search for love... I'm pretty damn happy and excited about our future. :-)

talaniman · Dec 12, 2008, 03:40 AM

Ashriel;1423801 Talaniman:

I agree that I'm inexperienced, I truly am; however, I know that I want to be closer to him to pursue a relationship, and I know that if I do not plan a date when we can be living close together, we will most likely not last.

Why not? If its what you say it is, it seems it is strong enough to survive a few hardships while you wait and plan. What's the real hurry, seeing as you've not even known each other for a year, and that's been on a very limited basis. Can you support yourself? Do you have an education? Does he for that matter?

My plan at this point is to move there in 3 weeks, because not only are we in love and the very best of friends wanting to be part of each other's daily lives, but I also don't have much here at home holding me back (e.g. a great job) from moving there. It'll be a fresh start, and a new place, and I'm very excited for the opportunity to get to know my BF even better, close-up and personal.

Sounds good on paper, but unless he has the education and a good job, can he support the two of you? It takes more than enthusiasm to pay the rent. Do you have a clue as to the stresses there are when the money is tight? You can't live off love and that's a reality.

We really are going to be rushing into the unknown, but it will be an opportunity to learn and grow together, just as waiting would be.

You feel that way now, when things are exciting and intense, during this honeymoon phase but when life sets in and its time to work, the whole world changes, and that's why you need a plan, such as do you have an education to support yourself and him through the reality of... cable TV, or the transportation to get there and what if it takes a while for McDonald's to hire you??

He does feel the same as me. He wishes we were closer, that we could see each other more often. Each of us feels that the other completes and betters our life. We honestly are so excited for the chance to be together and learn together.

I really understand the feeling, I do, but I also know about the hard work it takes, and its not all about those good, and exciting feelings, when the decision is a can of beans or the rent. It's a real struggle and if you have no financial plan, you have no plan.

I completely disagree that there is a way to do this "right". I don't think that for me to wait for years until I know without a doubt that he is acceptable is any more "right" than for me to move closer and learn without a doubt he is acceptable while being in the same town. I think there are different ways of doing things, maybe safer and less scary ways of doing things, but not right ways and wrong ways.

No one said years, but really 8 months total and 4 months of a relationship, trust me the honeymoon isn't even over yet and its all about the intensity of your feelings and hopes and dreams and a desire to have someone. And get out from up under your parents roof, but again, no experience, no job, no education equals a long hard struggle, and after 4 months a taste of reality, and paying rent will knock those stars right out of your eyes.

Also, I am not freaking out. I am trying to better my life and my relationship, and figuring out the best way to do that.
(oh and by the way, I know he farts and snores. He's a guy. I'm not concerned.)

Education and building a solid foundation for yourself is the right way to do things now, while your young, fresh, optimistic, and hopeful. You may be confident, but trust me , you haven't proved yourself to yourself, and again, can you support yourself, and this great life you plan?

I have grown dependent on him in some ways, I admit it. Our relationship isn't the most balanced in the world, with me going to visit him more than he's visited me.

That's not what I meant by balance, balance is what you do when your not working, or hugged up under each other watching a movie, and eating beans from the can, and sharing the one fork you have.

Its about what you do apart, and there will be a lot of apart, especially when he stops with the boys, and forgets to call, or is in that foul mood after a bad day at work, or sick of you nagging him about never going out, or spending enough time, or wondering where the spark went. That's what I meant by balance, Life is more than just cuddling and playing kissy face..

But I see these things as small issues compared to the fact that we genuinely love and respect each other, and we are the best of friends.

That's your inexperience talking as these small things will be big enough to drive a wedge between you.

No relationship is perfect. But looking at what I've got and what lots of other people have gone through in their search for love... I'm pretty damn happy and excited about our future. :

All new couples are, ready to take on the world, until life happens and the enthusiasm is gone and the honeymoon is over.

Not saying don't do it. Just use some common sense, as why be young and dumb, and crash and burn, why hurry to throw something together, when you can build something solid.

A year from now, will you feel the same, or will you grow, and change?

Chances of being together for the long term, is the reason there really is no hurry. Just some food for thought. You just have to trust me, I have heard your story more than a few times before. And lived it.