[tankgirlizel]

I am new to these forums but after hearing what LonelyMe was going through I had to say something. I am feeling the same way and I don't know what to do. We have only been together a year and I feel like I found the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. We are good friends and have lots of fun but the sex just doesn't happen that often. I joke around and say I must have a higher sex drive than him but really I want him to initiate sex. I have told him this more than once but nothing changes. Usually it's that he is too tired from work. I just can't see being married and having sex even less often than we do now. Frankly, it scares me because I do love him. After a while without sex (about a week or so) I do initiate because I have urges! But still drives me crazy that he can go without! And yes it makes me feel a little rejected. I am thirty, no kids, a healthy size 3 and have goals for my life. Honestly it kind of makes me feel not wanted. I am a sensitive person to begin with and I have tried to work on this but I don't know how to get through to him. I just want him to try and I don't want this to affect our relationship which I feel it is starting to. If your girlfriend told you she wanted you to initiate sex more often (or at all) wouldn't you do it to make her happy?? I don't get it. He says he loves me and I really don't ask for much. Just a cheeseburger and some sex. I am really simple! That's it! Not kidding. I'm not into material things and I feel like if we had sex more often we would be happier. I mean we are content I guess but I want happy!!

[frostybabygurl]

This is a difficult question to answer simply because there are so many reasons his sex drive may be lower than yours and a lot of them have nothing to do with you or your relationship. Stress and being Tired are the top 2, they aren't just excuses they really do screw up the sex drive. Have you always been the one to initiate sex? Have you always wanted it more often than him? Have you thought about trying some new things in the relationship, perhaps role playing, or a shower/bath together, reading erotic literature to each other, watching a steamy movie... there are so many things you can do to spice things up and maybe rekindle some passion and hopefully make love a little more often. Have you tried talking to him? Have there been any big changes at work or in his personal life? Is he just uncomfortable iniating sex?

[tankgirlizel]

Thanks Frosty, yeah I have always pretty much been the one to initiate it and I don't mind usually but I would just like to feel like he wanted me sometimes. I know it is probably in my head and things have been a little rough lately. We haven't tried any new stuff and that sounds like a great idea. We recently moved so I could go to school and he started another job. So yes, a lot of stress. But this is the time I need him the most and want to feel close to him. This is nothing I want to risk losing a relationship over but when I bring it up he gets very defensive. I am not mad when I bring it up either because it's not something I am angry about I am more just longing to be close to him. The conversations never go well because then he thinks he is not satisfying me and that's not the case! I tell him this but there is no getting through to him. How can I get him to see my point? Or should I just accept the fact that we are different creatures and be happy with the way things are. I know I am a sensitive person and he is also very sensitive. I think that's why we can't get through to each other sometimes. It's hard when we are both taking things personally but my intention is just to get him to see that I like being with him that much! Wouldn't that be flattering? Well I always have to be the bigger person and initiate or we would seriously never do anything. I would like to try new stuff I just wish we could talk more about this without tension levels rising. I like to talk about things but he never really says anything. Ugh! Men! I really appreciate your advice Frosty it does help to know that maybe he really is just tired and stressed. I think he is also a little uncomfortable initiating sex because of his previous relationships but he has a great girl who loves him now. I feel like I am starting to nag when I bring this stuff up more than once. And I think he thinks that I am nagging him also. I can't win. I feel like I am not being heard. I will try my best to keep my head up and maybe we can work through this. After all it's really not that bad, I just want his affection. I shall try and be strong and confident and happy. Maybe that will help.

[Gemini54]

One of the things that crops up a lot in these forums is women that are with men that don't seem to want to have sex as often as they do.

Often women are attracted to these guys because they're sensitive and talkative and understanding. The women are often strong and confident. So what you have - frequently - is women with a very strong 'masculine' energy, and guys with a strong 'feminine' energy.

What happens then, is that in the sexual relationship the women expect men to take the 'masculine' role and when they don't, the women take it on instead.

Can you see what might happen?

Sometimes the guys retreat from being sexual.

I wonder, and it's just a thought, if you 'enabled' your guy to be more traditionally masculine in your relationship, whether, over time, the sexual dynamic would change.

Allow him to do every-day things for you that assist him to feel 'manly', don't ask him about everything he feels, complement him for the things he does (subtly, of course) and, don't nag.

It's sort of men are from Mars, are from Venus stuff, but there is an element of truth in it.

[Synnen]

When my husband wants sex more often than I do (usually at times of high stress and working long hours for me)--I shut down.

If he asks me about it, nags me for it, bugs me about it, or gets upset about it, I shut down.

I have ENOUGH on my plate without adding ANOTHER "chore"--sex.

Try backing off completely. Get a vibrator, and stop initiating sex at all. Stop bugging him about it, stop talking about it, stop asking for it, stop trying to seduce him.

PS--if you "need" sex to feel more secure

But this is the time I need him the most and want to feel close to him.

then there's a problem. How about just cuddling, no expectation of sex? How about just spending time together? Sex should not be the only way you can feel close to him, and it should DEFINITELY not be needed for your self-esteem.

[tankgirlizel]

Thanks for the great advice.

Synnen thank you for opening my eyes. Yes, we usually do spend a lot of time cuddling and now I feel like I was taking things personally. I am going to back off and try working on things that make me feel better about myself. Now that I think about it with all the changes happening I think I am starting to feel a bit insecure. We have no family or friends out here and the move was really hard for us. So the stress has been very high. All we have is each other and maybe I am depending on that too much.

I am going to try and work on myself as I don't know that I've been quite myself since we moved.

[LonelyMe]

Tank Girl,

Wow, just passing by this site on a whim and read your post!

Here's the questions you have to ask yourself if you can be in a relationship for the rest of your life with a man who has a lower sex drive than yourself (and whom you love like crazy). Can you be able to accept the 'initiator' of sex role and be OK with that without taking it personally? Will you be able to sustain attraction when you are the only aggressor of sex? Is sex one of the top priorities in your relationship that brings you closer to your spouse/boyfriend?

These are hard questions to answer - we don't have a crystal ball. But I can tell you my experiences being in the same position as you are. Someone mentioned to stop pushing and cuddle so that your partner doesn't feel pressured. That's definitely nice and brings couples closer, however, in my experience, if I never push, it can be literally months and even close to years until that next love making session (currently it's been over 3 months for us). I'm familiar with vibrators and satisfying myself... but that's not the sole reason for wanting to make love to my husband. Or more specifically, wanting my husband to initiate making love to me. Sex does bring another deeper element of intimacy to a relationship. Period. It's not wrong to want that or to want to be wanted.

So, overall, would I trade him in for the chance of being more intimate with another man? NOPE. I love him and our children and our life together so much. He's still my best friend and I can see beyond the desire of wanting him to throw me on the bed and passionately make love to me. I do have my ups and downs at times but that's generally the way I feel. But we also have a lot invested. Ask me that question a year into our relationship and I may choose differently. Seriously think about it.

[tankgirlizel]

Hi LonelyMe!
Thanks for your post! I wanted to write this on your post but didn't know how. I have been thinking about this a lot. There is nobody else I want to be with but him. We have yet to sit down and talk about this but we definitely need to. Things are getting misconstrued on this issue. He thinks that I feel this way because he is not satisfying me. In reality, he is satisfying me just not very often. And we only do something when I start it. I want to feel sexy to him. I want him to want me. I have been doing a lot of reading and decided after our talk (hopefully tonight) I am still going to do things to make me feel better about myself. I don't like this feeling of not knowing whether I turn him on or not. And frankly I feel like he is being kind of mean about it. I am usually the strong one and I feel really weak right now and he is not used to that. I don't have any friends around here and I have been feeling really sad lately. I feel really alone. I don't like feeling weak and I don't think he is used to me feeling like this. Part of it may be insecurity. I just want him to be there for me but instead I am online trying to figure this out on my own.

Thanks for listening, I appreciate everybody's words...

[tankgirlizel]

Hi LonelyMe!
Thanks for your post! I wanted to write this on your post but didn't know how. I have been thinking about this a lot. There is nobody else I want to be with but him. We have yet to sit down and talk about this but we definitely need to. Things are getting misconstrued on this issue. He thinks that I feel this way because he is not satisfying me. In reality, he is satisfying me just not very often. And we only do something when I start it. I want to feel sexy to him. I want him to want me. I have been doing a lot of reading and decided after our talk (hopefully tonight) I am still going to do things to make me feel better about myself. I don't like this feeling of not knowing whether I turn him on or not. And frankly I feel like he is being kind of mean about it. I am usually the strong one and I feel really weak right now and he is not used to that. I don't have any friends around here and I have been feeling really sad lately. I feel really alone. I don't like feeling weak and I don't think he is used to me feeling like this. Part of it may be insecurity. I just want him to be there for me but instead I am online trying to figure this out on my own.

Thanks for listening, I appreciate everybody's words...

[Gemini54]

And frankly I feel like he is being kind of mean about it. I am usually the strong one and I feel really weak right now and he is not used to that. I don't have any friends around here and I have been feeling really sad lately. I feel really alone. I don't like feeling weak and I don't think he is used to me feeling like this.

I guess this is sort of what I was alluding to in my post. The fact that the sexual dynamic between you has changed.

Perhaps it means he needs to 'step up to the post' and be the stronger one in the relationship for the time being. But, you have to allow it! It really is OK to feel weak.

Why don't you permit him to take charge for a while, let him initiate sex, even if initially it's not as frequent as you'd like.

Sex does ebb and flow in relationships and it's important not to take it personally when you're going through the 'ebb' stages.

[tankgirlizel]

Thanks so much Gemini! I broke the silence yesterday and although we didn't get to talk very much he took the initiative! I was soooo happy. It was great! I told him we still needed to talk just to get things out in the open but I didn't make it seem serious (and this was at a different time).

So yes I think we are both understanding a little more. It was so nice to see him take charge! I was so turned on =)!

Hopefully this will happen at least once in a while but I am learning maybe not to "expect it". I think I will just hint in the future and that might work, now that he knows I love it when he is the dominant one. I think he really enjoyed it. Also, I am not going to take things so personally because I do know that he loves me.

This has been a learning experience for me and I know relationships aren't always easy. But I think we got over this hump!

I appreciate everyone's advice and help and truly am thankful!

[Gemini54]

Thanks so much Gemini! I broke the silence yesterday and although we didn't get to talk very much he took the initiative! I was soooo happy. It was great! I told him we still needed to talk just to get things out in the open but I didn't make it seem serious (and this was at a different time).

So yes I think we are both understanding a little more. It was so nice to see him take charge! I was so turned on =)!

Hopefully this will happen at least once in a while but I am learning maybe not to "expect it". I think I will just hint in the future and that might work, now that he knows I love it when he is the dominant one. I think he really enjoyed it. Also, I am not going to take things so personally because I do know that he loves me.

This has been a learning experience for me and I know relationships aren't always easy. But I think we got over this hump!

I appreciate everyone's advice and help and truly am thankful!

Cool! I'm so pleased for you - take it a small step at a time, and let him get used to taking the initiative... and most important, try to enjoy not analyze!

[tankgirlizel]

Thanks Gemini, will do!! =)

[nporterd12]

When my husband wants sex more often than I do (usually at times of high stress and working long hours for me)--I shut down.

If he asks me about it, nags me for it, bugs me about it, or gets upset about it, I shut down.

I have ENOUGH on my plate without adding ANOTHER "chore"--sex.

Try backing off completely. Get a vibrator, and stop initiating sex at all. Stop bugging him about it, stop talking about it, stop asking for it, stop trying to seduce him.

PS--if you "need" sex to feel more secure then there's a problem. How about just cuddling, no expectation of sex? How about just spending time together? Sex should not be the only way you can feel close to him, and it should DEFINITELY not be needed for your self-esteem.

I don't like the advice about "backing off." Either the woman who made this comment has never really been laid before or is a prude. It is not unrealistic to want a guy to initiate sex at all. Some guys do initiate and some guys don't. I think the way to go is to find a balance. If the guy has never initiated, then he risks losing you as his girlfriend. You have to find happiness with the relationship as well as within yourself. I don't like the advice that was given about not having self esteem? Relationships are difficult and they may cause you some stress. That doesn't mean that you have low self esteem. I don't think you can be happy going down the path of a man who never initiates forever. Maybe you need some couples counseling or if he's willing to go to a doctor, have him go in for a routine check-up. Check his testosterone, prolactone, cholesterol, weight, ask about stress.
You can also ask him about his past relationships. Was the sex frequent? Did someone make him feel ashamed.
Either way, you have to look out for yourself. If you aren't happy in a relationship and don't see him taking steps to change it then leave.
If he's willing to work on this serious issue, then maybe he's a keeper. Sounds like the other things in the relationship are working well...

[Synnen]

1. You responded to a thread from 4 months ago. Not super old--but there's been no activity from the original poster since then, so odds are she won't come back to see your advice.

2. I'm not a prude, and I've been with my husband for 14 years. Believe me, if I'd never been laid--as you suppose--he would have left ages ago.

3. I suspect that YOU have never been in a relationship where YOU have been the one with the lower libido for a time, for whatever reason. I suspect that you are male, and are happy to get laid any single time your wife or girlfriend lets you into her panties.

4. NEEDING sex (as opposed to wanting, liking, wishing for, etc) to feel good about yourself, or to feel secure, is a problem. You should feel good about yourself BEFORE you ever get into bed with someone else. It IS a self-esteem issue if you place so high a value on sex that you see someone else's issues as reflecting on your personal self-esteem.

5. Wanting someone to take the initiative is different than NEEDING someone to have sex with you so that you feel secure. Everyone likes to be chased occasionally.

6. You obviously did NOT read the entire thread--or you would realize that the OP actually DID follow some of the advice she got, she DID reach at least a partial solution with her man, and she actually answered a lot of your questions in the thread itself.

[Synnen]

nporterd12 disagrees : I totally disagree. Women need sex just like men do. And I don't think this woman is being unrealistic. She's probably in her prime and he's lazy etc. Some men are just not in touch with their sexuality or just don't want it as much. Is he overw

Oh--and please read the rules of the site. You gave me a disagree over an OPINION, which is generally against the rules.

Also--and I will reiterate this, since I want to make sure you understand it--READ THE ENTIRE THREAD!

The OP actually found my advice to be helpful. And she answered all of your questions in different posts in the thread.

Please try to play nice.