[Chris0107]

Hello all,
I am in a state of shock here so bare with me. I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months. He has been very good to me overall, and says he has never loved anyone the way he loves me. We are together every single day. My kids and family love him and think he's great. He has said he wants marriage in the future, kids the whole shebang. I want it known that I love him very much, but I need to know what others think of this situation.

My boyfriend has always been a little jealous with me, but nothing super out of control. Lately his ex girlfriend has contacted me on fb telling me he is controlling and jealous and has even hit her, and I should think twice about being with him. I blew her off simply because I thought she was being dramatic and just wanting to break us up, as some exes do. Plus, He seems so understanding and sweet I could not imagine him doing anything to me. I heard stories about her being nuts so I doubted her.

Last night we went out with another couple for drinking and dancing. We all drank too much.. and somehow he turned ugly. I have seem him get mad in the past but nothing like this. Anytime me and the other girl would leave for the bathroom, for the bar etc. He started making comments about how we took so long and insinuating I must be flirting with men. When we left the place later, somehow we started arguing and he was telling me to F off and things off that nature so I refused to get in his truck. I went in the girls car, and he started yelling at cursing at me and called me a b*tch. ( he never talks to me this way ) He eventually left and she took me to his house because I did not have my car or my house keys and they were there with him. I went inside to get my stuff and more fighting occurred. He was telling me its over and said I was fake and my true colors came out etc.

He took me back to my house and went into the garage to get his things. I was also removing his things out of my garage. He demanded I not touch his stuff and started getting in my face. I continued removing his things and he physically shoved me. I was in shock and started crying and ran in my house and locked the doors. He got the remainder of his things and left. He called and said it was over. Texted me a couple times and blamed everything on me.

He has texted me today saying he loves me more than anything and asking me if we are really over, and to please not shut him out. I have ignored all his texts and have been hiding out at my house in seclusion and even closed down my Facebook.

There are more details but that's the jist of what happened. I am so hurt and confused by his actions and don't even know that person he was last night. He was drunk, but I know this does not excuse such hostile behavior. I would like it known he is not an alcoholic, as I am sure some people will think that. We drink maybe once every week or 2 and that is all. I would like any advice on how I should handle this situation from this point, and was hoping for any insight. Thank you for reading.

[grammadidi]

I worked as a counselor for a number of years and I have been an Employee's Assistance Program Representative for a major corporation. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with something like this, especially when you seem to have a lot invested in this relationship. I'm sorry to say that in my opinion, this relationship screams out danger. I know it's difficult, but in my opinion I think you should not have any more contact with this man. I personally believe that there should be no tolerance for abuse of any kind. This man was emotionally abusive, verbally abusive and physically abusive. He displays all the classic symptoms of an abuser and the contact you had with his ex certainly seems to support that. In fact, I think you know in your heart that it is over. You have been very strong in not responding to his texts and closing down your Facebook account. It is imperative that he knows there is no doubt in your mind that it's over. If he continues to pursue you, then I feel you should get a restraining order.

If it would help, and I think it might, call a battered women's shelter in your area and ask them for their opinions and advice. It might help you to attend a group session or two to hear their stories of how the abuse in their relationships started.

Above all else, stay strong; be vigilant yet act confident. Make sure your friends, family and co-workers are aware of what is going on and it wouldn't hurt to ask them all to keep a little bit of an extra eye on you for a while. Have friends walk you to your car until you are inside it and the door is locked... that kind of thing. Until you know that he has moved on I would be cautious.

Here is a very good page about this type of thing. I hope you read it through right to the end and look at some of the pages linked off it. Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

There are many organizations that can help you if you need support in your decision. If you need to find one, just ask here and there are many of us who can point you in the right direction.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide. If you need to 'talk' either I or another member will be glad to listen.

Hugs, Didi

[Alty]

Been there, done that.

This is how it starts. A shove, a slap, it's all your fault, you made him do it, and then sorry, sorry, sorry, I love you, give me another chance.

The next time it will be more then a shove, and trust me, there will be a next time.

I agree with Didi, you know this is over. It's hard to accept that you gave 8 months to someone that could turn out to be an abuser, but better that you find out now then when you're married, or worse, have a child together.

Stick with no contact. He officially ended it, and you don't owe him a chance to redeem himself, nor do you owe him the chance to explain.

If he continues to try and contact you, call the police.

Make sure you're safe. Chances are he's not going to give up easily. He won't like the fact that you won't forgive him, because he really does see it as your fault in his twisted mind.

[eatpraylove]

It is often said that when we are angry, our real emotions show themselves. As the former victim of abuse, I can honestly tell you he shows every sign of an abuser and I am only going to say this once, RUN! Don't walk, don't think, RUN!! This is a dangerous man, you really want this around your kids?! He is not sweet, not nice, not kind, he is an abuser, and abuser are often extremely insecure, his obvious jealousy shows this, what more proof do you want? You want to wait until he gives you broken bones and stitches? As well, I think it was very big of his ex-gf to reach out to you, so for you to put her down and refer to her as ' I heard she's nuts' wow! You really shouldn't judge! You should thank that poor girl for having the courage to reach out and try to warn you, as well, all the others who judged her, I guess they're all psychologists? Pfft! You should make up your own mind, so hopefully you will listen, however, I know all too well the cycle of violence. You already are defending him and have too many doubts, you'll no doubt go back to him, until he literally pummels the crap out of you or your kids or both and then when it's a HUGE situation where the law has to be involved, and you're children traumatized to the max, you'll wake up saying ' oh geez, if only I would have listened',, as usual, it's always the kids that suffer, and from seeing the pathetic way you defend him, you'll gladly sacrifice the welfare of your own kids just to be with him, this makes me sick to my stomach!

[Alty]

It is often said that when we are angry, our real emotions show themselves. As the former victim of abuse, i can honestly tell you he shows every sign of an abuser and i am only going to say this once,,RUN! don't walk, don't think, RUN!!!! This is a dangerous man, you really want this around your kids??!!! He is not sweet, not nice, not kind, he is an abuser, and abuser are often extremely insecure, his obvious jealousy shows this,,what more proof do you want? you want to wait until he gives you broken bones and stitches?! As well, i think it was very big of his ex-gf to reach out to you, so for you to put her down and refer to her as ' i heard she's nuts' wow! you really shouldn't judge! You should thank that poor girl for having the courage to reach out and try to warn you,,as well,,all the others who judged her, i guess they're all psychologists?! pfft! you should make up your own mind,,so hopefully you will listen, however, i know all too well the cycle of violence. You already are defending him and have too many doubts,,you'll no doubt go back to him, until he literally pummels the crap out of you or your kids or both and then when it's a HUGE situation where the law has to be involved, and you're children traumatized to the max,,you'll wake up saying ' oh geez, if only i would have listened',,,as usual, it's always the kids that suffer,,and from seeing the pathetic way you defend him, you'll gladly sacrifice the welfare of your own kids just to be with him,,this makes me sick to my stomach!

Whoa! You just told her not to judge the ex-girlfriend, but here you are judging her.

She came here for help, not to be yelled at. :(

[Fr_Chuck]

Yep, at least you only get beat once a week when he gets drunk, I guess that makes it already. Learn to curl up into a ball, it protects you better when he is beating.

So be glad you found out about him now, and make this a wake up call

[Alty]

I just want to point out that she isn't answering his texts, she's deleted her Facebook, she's avoiding him.

It does sound like she's done with him, she just needs some support, and she came here for that support.

Yes, too many women forgive and forget, go back only to be abused over and over again. I'm hoping she listens and learns from women that have been there, and lived to tell about it.

I too can promise her that if she goes back, he'll do it again.

I know that sometimes we have to be harsh in order to get our point across, but let's let her come back, see what she has to say, then go from there.

I just want to add. Love doesn't hit. Love doesn't push. Love isn't cruel. One time is too much. Don't give him the chance to do it again. Trust me, he will, and he'll be just as sorry the next time, and the time after that, and when you're in the hospital with broken bones, he'll be very sorry, and he'll even send flowers. But you know, he only does it because he loves you, and you drive him to it. That's his excuse. He'll turn himself into the victim, while he pushes you down the stairs.

Those are the facts. I think the OP is smart enough to see that. :)

[talaniman]

You have had a good preview of what life can be like with this guy and making the decision to end things was a very wise choice on your part.

Whatever his issues, let him have them, as you know you can do better. And will.

You didn't make his problems, but can leave them out of your life.

[amicon]

This happened once and that's one time too many.

Have nothing more to do with him- ever-protect yourself and,sadly chalk it up to a bad experience.

It hurts now,but you dodged a bullet.

Take care.

[JudyKayTee]

It is often said that when we are angry, our real emotions show themselves. As the former victim of abuse, i can honestly tell you he shows every sign of an abuser and i am only going to say this once,,RUN! don't walk, don't think, RUN!!!! This is a dangerous man, you really want this around your kids??!!! He is not sweet, not nice, not kind, he is an abuser, and abuser are often extremely insecure, his obvious jealousy shows this,,what more proof do you want? you want to wait until he gives you broken bones and stitches?! As well, i think it was very big of his ex-gf to reach out to you, so for you to put her down and refer to her as ' i heard she's nuts' wow! you really shouldn't judge! You should thank that poor girl for having the courage to reach out and try to warn you,,as well,,all the others who judged her, i guess they're all psychologists?! pfft! you should make up your own mind,,so hopefully you will listen, however, i know all too well the cycle of violence. You already are defending him and have too many doubts,,you'll no doubt go back to him, until he literally pummels the crap out of you or your kids or both and then when it's a HUGE situation where the law has to be involved, and you're children traumatized to the max,,you'll wake up saying ' oh geez, if only i would have listened',,,as usual, it's always the kids that suffer,,and from seeing the pathetic way you defend him, you'll gladly sacrifice the welfare of your own kids just to be with him,,this makes me sick to my stomach!

Always amuses me when people go out of their way to post how "non-judgmental" they are... and then go on to judge other people, particularly using words like "pathetic" (referring to OP who asked for help) and "sacrifice" (referring to what she would do in OP's circumstance).

Actually this reply makes me sick to my stomach, not the original post.

[mmresd]

You have to leave him, just ignore him completely and if he shows up to your house called the police. I can assure you that this is only the beginning, and later on, things get way worse. The problems he has are mental and until he learns how to control those problems on his own then he has the ability of losing completely control of himself. Trust me, I've seen it happen. And I have had that happen to me.

Good luck,
Javi

[hendersonclaude]

Yeah, this guy will do it again--trust the ex-girlfriend. Sounds like borderline personality disorder or something similar. In any case, don't believe a single word he's saying--he might come across as sincere, because he actually is sincere: he probably does feel some sort of desperate clinging emotion that he calls love, and he really, really doesn't want to hurt you again. Except it isn't genuine love and he will hurt you, perhaps badly. And the farther you go with him, the harder it will be to get away. Do assume the worst and protect yourself and you kids as best you can. There's no reason not to have compassion for this man--he's as human as the rest of us--but you won't be able to fix him or fill the void that is in him, and out of which this rage and jealousy spring. Be well.

[tupaca28]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I went through the sam thing when I was
Very young. Not so young anymore!

In any case, stay away from any man who yells or pushes you around!
There are men who don't do that! You deserve to be treated with respect.
I know it is heart breaking to move on. But never go back to that type of
Abuse. This is the only like you have. You deserve all the good things life has
To offer, never settle for less!