[seattle06]

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year (dating for 2 ½ before that). Our sex life is horrible. On average, we have sex once or twice a month. One reason for that is we both work full time and are pursuing graduate degrees. However, even with that said, 1-2 times a month is still not good. Our sex life has always been a little bit of a problem but not enough to prevent me from marrying him last year. His reasons for his lack of sex drive prior to getting married was that he felt awkward having premarital sex and he was tired from a hectic schedule. Now, his excuse is that I am not into it. Well, that’s true because after 3 years of pushing for more sex I have totally lost interest. We have tried sex toys, lingerie, counseling- all the usual suggestions, but honestly, I think I am just really offended by his lack of interest in me that I have lost interest in him. I am a pretty attractive woman (I have been told) and I can’t understand why my husband does not want me. Other men want me. My husband even told me once I need to lose weight (I am 5’9”; 135 pounds… not heavy). Besides, who says that to their spouse? I have lost so much confidence in myself that I don’t even want to get naked in front of him. I usually change in the bathroom or closet. I sometimes even feel uncomfortable when he touches me. I had a healthy sex life with boyfriends prior to him and worry that at 24 I am on the path to a long, unhappy life. I wonder if he may have a testosterone problem and have brought it up to him. He reluctantly says he would be OK with having some tests done but has not made any initiative to do so. I know this needs to be done. How should I go about it? I imagine some people may wonder if he is gay but I really don’t think that is case because we used to have a good sex life and apparently he had a pretty good sex life with previous girlfriends. I am looking for some advice as to what I should do. I want things to get better but sometimes find myself wondering if I even love him anymore. I feel tied down in this marriage. I hear all these women talking about how much they love their husbands and how they could not imagine life without them. Well, I can imagine life without him and sometimes I wonder if I would be happier. Am I being selfish? Are these feelings at least somewhat normal for a newlywed? He is a good man in all other aspects. He is an honest, loyal (at least as far as I know), intelligent, motivated man, as well as a good provider. Am I being too picky? All advice is welcome. Thank you!

[Meredith1978]

I think I almoist married him once... just a word of advice if you like sex at all don't ask the gay question, that pretty much ends it.

No matter what "I" did, it did not change his response to sex. He just didn't have the libido I did, he said he could "take it or leave it"

I guess you need to decide how big of an issue it is for you

[seattle06]

Thanks, Meredith. I can definitely understand how asking him if he is gay would offend him, haha. I guess I'm still trying to figure out how big of an issue it is.

[simoneaugie]

No, I don't think you're being selfish. You are re-assessing things, as time has passed. The question you need to ask yourself is: If things stay the way they are, is that okay until I die?

If he does take the initiative and get checked out by a doctor, you'll take it from there. At this point there are some unknowns.

Not wanting to be naked in front of him and aversion to having him touch you are possibly symptoms of things he has said. Sometimes, a person's body language is turning us off and we are not tuned in to the messages we are receiving.

If you plan to have children, divorce is much harder after they have arrived. Just thinking aloud. It sounds like you have a good grasp of who you are and what you want. Trust yourself.

[seattle06]

Thank you for your thoughts, simoneaugie. We do not plan to try for kids for another 5 years or so due to our age, lack of time, and for the reason you stated. I want to be completely comfortable in our relationship before we add kids.

[Silver Lining]

I feel tied down in this marriage. I hear all these women talking about how much they love their husbands and how they could not imagine life without them. Well, I can imagine life without him and sometimes I wonder if I would be happier. Am I being selfish? Are these feelings at least somewhat normal for a newlywed?

Well dear,, if you really can imagine your life without him, there's no love,, n without love, there's no life,,

Since you mentioned all answers welcome,, follow this,,

Take some time off,, couple of days will be better,, try to boost your sex life,, if that fails,, sit alone, relax,, think of all those people you love, your parents, your siblings, grandparents, frens, etc,, think about your hubby too,, imagine losing them (not all at once),, feel it,, imagine them dead (no offense,, but this is how it works, ) if you feel like crying, or it it hurts very badly, then it means you can't live without them,, if it hurts you to find your hubby gone, then somehow boost your sex life,, else,, leave him,, your 24,, u'l find someone much better,,

He has no right to make you feel conscious about your body,, love the way you are,, 5'9 n 135 pounds is actually perfect,, I'd love to have that body,,

[Rushed19]

No marriage is healthy without a healthy sex life, one person is bound to be unhappy and unsatisfied and the other may feel pressured and tired and exhausted of saying no. maybe he wants to have sex but has no drive, talk to him about it a little more. Let him know that you're not satisfied! In subtle terms though, and try again to ask if he can make an effort to be in the mood. Try vitamins and alternative medicine, no doctors, no emberessment just research some stuff and see what you find.

[talaniman]

One reason for that is we both work full time and are pursuing graduate degrees

He may be just stressed, or is he taking any type of meds, pep pills maybe.

A doctor is a good idea, but you both seem to busy to squeeze a lot of things into your schedule.

Let me tell you something though, since he was having problems before, don't run to the bathroom to change clothes, (sends a very bad signal) and don't take his lack of drive personally.

[TheLonelyWife]

I am in a very similar situation except I have children. I have never had a satisfying, plentiful sex life with my husband and foolishly I assumed it would change if we married but unfortunately it got worse. Not only does he have no interest in me sexually but he has made negative remarks about me. I have been rejected and humiliated so many times that I don't feel anything for my husband anymore. Knowing that he was masturbating to porn, discovering he was confirming dates with hookers didn't even upset me but proved to me that this is by far the biggest mistake of my life. I don't love my husband any longer and just look at him as if he is an acquaintance. I have begged him to make time for us, requested vacations alone, date nights and so many other things were more important.. time after time that I initiated sex, wore lingerie and had him turn me down broke my spirit down so much that my loss of love is really his fault. I am debating whether remaining for the kids is even worth it but during our last separation, I realized this is all a façade.. a lost cause where we are both just wasting each other's time. It is obvious that he doesn't love me, is attracted to me or would even matter enough to make it work so please think twice about your situation. You don't want to end up like me.. 30 with kids and feel like I am 80, miserable, dead inside, and regretful. Life is fragile and beautiful and you shouldn't have to compromise your happiness. Do you really want to live this way in another 5, 10,40 years? Life is too short. I would say make a break for it.

[runrunrun]

I think that it is great that you are asking these questions and are honest with yourself. Think how easy it would have been just to go out and cheat ! Like so many others.
I think the best thing for you to do is to either write a letter to your husband explaining your feelings or talk to him.
The letter will give him more time to go over what you are saying in private, it will give him time to seriously think through if he has a problem.
I honestly don't think you have fallen out of love or you would never have married him.
I believe you are feeling very hurt and dejected by his lack of interest.
If he is willingly holding back on you and not explaining why then this can also be seen as a form of abuse that he needs to mature up to and clear up.
Maybe you can take the decision together about your future. An amicable agreement will be the best all round.
Never make a decision during an argument this often leeds to unfinished guilt and anger.
I wish you all the best in your decision.

[jham123]

^^runrunrun mentioned it but briefly.

Seattle, Google the term "Withholding" and once you get past all the advice about "Taxes" you'll discover many articles describing that "withholding of affection" is one of the worst forms of mental abuse.

This isn't about libido or sex as all men (especially ~24 year old men) have this nagging urge that makes them think about sex... oh... about 50 times per day...

What this is... is all about is control.

I cannot explain it all here, there are tons of sites out there that explain this dynamic. It is up to you at this point to read read read.


Once you've read...

... Understand at 24 years of age... just walk away. You've got nothing to divide, no kids, no houses... just go if this person is not right for you.

I know the illusion of having a fairy tale marriage is working on your head. Just snap out of it and do what you know is right.

Him telling a woman of your description that there is something wrong with you is nothing less than abusive. Don't take it for another moment.

[zacheria1]

You need to communicate with your husband. Tell him how you feel and don't use the word you do this to him. He will feel that you are putting him and down shut down. Use I feel this way, I need this, I want this, I need you to do this. I have been married for 21 years, and when I am unhappy I say so. Your husband can not read your mind. He know that you are unhappy, but he thinks of 100 reasons and none of them he is thinking is him as the problem. I f you are that unhappy, you need to get out now!! Don't wait till you are older and regret staying. Again, Talk to him, if he loves you he will try to do something about iof not. Leave him for a while to let him know that you are seriou. Good luck sweetie.:):)

[paola32]

Break up! I am in the same situation but with children. If you feel sad after, don't go back just look ahead and leave him. You deserve to be happy. It will only get worse with the time

[Cat1864]

paola32, please pay attention to dates. The op has not been back since May so she probably will not see your advice plus her circumstances have probably changed in the last few months.

Reading older threads is encouraged for the information they hold, but responding bumps them back up into the threads with people currently needing help.