[joe fisher]

Hello, all you experts out there: My problem is not your standard relationship problem. My problem began three years ago when I had a stroke, I was 70 years old at the time, but in perfect physical shape{ my wife said later that I had had the body of a 20 year old man: skiing, windsurfing, mountain climbing}, my stroke happened when I was in bed at the local hospital, to which had gone(my wife drove me) because I had had two TIA's {mini- stroke, which goes away by itself and causes no damage}, I was playing tennis during the first TIA ( which caused only temporary partial lack of control of my left arm), but I was still able to run and jump and 20 minutes later , my arm control was OK again . I went to the hospital emergency room , where the doctor examined me and concluded that the problems that had had earlier were indeed temporary, and that I was perfectly OK at that time, and that my strength in all limbs was well above normal. But knowing that TIA's are often followed by "real" strokes, He recommended that I be admitted " for observation" further, to hedge his bet about my being perfectly normal, he asked the staff neurologist to reexamine me in the morning, The standard test for hand strength is for the examiner to extend 3 fingers and say:' squeeze my fingers as hard as you can". That's what the ER doctor ( a somewhat younger man than I) did, So being thus challenged by the younger man, I gave him a good hard squeeze{probably hurting his fingers]. But the Neurologist who examined me in the morning is an old woman, who gave me the same three finger test, but I don't hurt old women ( my mother would roll over in her grave) As she walked away I heard the old woman( who is also Hungarian, mutter "Veek", and although I didn't know it at the time, apparently she had concluded that my previous TIA's had been a real stroke. And left instructions for the nurses that if I were to show stroke symptoms later, I should not be given clot dissolving medication; and sure enough, several days later , while still in the hospital, my nurse saw my stroke happening, and said to another nurse [ as she related to my wife a few hours later]:" oh look, that man is having a stroke:", now most people don't know much about strokes, but everybody knows that if stroke symptoms appear, decisive intervention must be undertaken immediately, but the neurologist's order's from a few days earlier precluded giving me any clot dissolving medication, so no action was taken, d except to schedule a CT scan, which showed a clot in my right middle cerebral artery , which was cutting off blood to a large part of the right side of my brain! The effect of the clot was to paralyze the left side of my body, can't walk nor move my left arm/hand. . I then was shuttled around among rehab places for a few months. One of those places held lectures for the families of stroke" survivors" in which they told of the kinds of personality chances to expect after a stroke, My wife attended, at my suggestion, figuring that more information is better than less. When I finally returned home ( after 2 months in hospitals) I had learned to get into and out of my wheelchair, but could not dress/undress not go onto of off a toilet without grab-bars( which the hospitals have, but my house did not. So when I arrived home, I was a huge burden on my wife, who in addition to her already heavy household workload now had to take over all the jobs that I previously did: all house and yard hmaintenance. Including plumbing , electrical, pool hmaintanance. Before my stroke she had begun a very promising career as a quilting teacher and fabric artist, for which she had won several awards and was gaining recognition throughout New England We were both extremely proud of her accomplishments. But now, she had no time for her quilting and was concerned about traveling far, in case I needed help, it was very selfless of her, but we both have taken our marriage vows seriously{ "in sickness and in health"}. etc. As the years have gone by I have tried as much as possible to unburden her: I have learned how to dress and undress myself and have written step-by step pprocedures for putting on shirt, pants, socks, etc, in short, complete dressing instructions for persons with only one working arm/hand. Which I have sent to all the occupational therapists that I have met, in the hope that they will use them to teach other patients with similar disabilities to dress themselves and avoid putting such a crushing load on their care-giver I also set and clear the table for all meals, and have even cleaned the toilet several times { it's really hard to do from a wheelchair I also have vacuum-cleaned the parts of the house that are within my access limits. further, recently I have been able to make our queen-sized bed. But, since I have returned home, our married life has been completely devoid of affection. My wife says that I am rude( bad table manners) and disagreeable and she behaves as if I were a unruely little kid, who needs to be disciplined , ( not physical discipline, of course, just constant reprimands concerning the smallest of departures from what she thinks I should do or say.; a zero tolerance policy toward me. She sums up all the changes that she thinks she sees in in me in the phrase :" you're not the man I married", which is certainly true He was young, (21 years old) fit, with the best years of his life ahead of him ( and indeed, he did well)! So to put this is the formof a question, How canI get her affection back? Since there is no "submit buttin, I will have to clivk:" submit new question" but I just entered my question, and won't have another until I read your answers!

[talaniman]

Understand her frustrations at this life changing events, and be a good patient, as you regain your independence. Good luck.

[joe fisher]

Understand her frustrations at this life changing events, and be a good patient, as you regain your independence. Good luck.

Yes, I realize that my wife's life has been disrupted as much as mine, but Why is she angry with me? I am not angry with her. I have read that wives whose husbands have died are often angry with their departed husbands e.g. " Then henry went and died on me" Shame on you Henry! But I am disappointed that she has totally lost any affection, sympathy for me, Her attitude seems to be: I have given up everything that is important to me to take care of you and to fill in for you ( the jobs that you can no longer do) . Actually The only things that she does that are directly of assistance to me are helping me with showering{ I walk into the shower myself take off my shoes( which I need for walking), adjust the water,; wash my crotch, arm-pits and hair, then she washes my butt, helps me get my shoes back on, and I walk out and get dressed, but the total elapsed time for her involvement (which is only intermittent) is about one hour. I have been working to find a way so that I could do the entire operation by myself, without help; but when I suggest a different procedure that would free her up, She says that I am crazy. My hope is to A) get some happiness back into our relationship and B) get myself back to my former condition, probably if B) were to happen, A) would follow automatically, but she has no strive to bring B) about: After my initial round of therapy ran out, I went without therapy for over a year, and I had to do some fancy maneuvering to get my therapy restated, Her view is that my therapy is just another burden on her { to take me there The same applies to counseling, she says that I would be just more driving for her!} when I suggest that I could drive myself, ( automatic transmission,only), she says that I am crazy) also when I suggest getting somebody else to take me , she says, that anybody else would not know how. So although she hates the job she has taken on, she resists any attempt to ease her load The big break-through happened last April, when sh went away for a quilters' get-away,long weekend to New Hampshire and I took care of myself for 2 1/ days . There are many things that I cannot do now, and have not done for 3 years, but in order to get back to something close to a reasonable life, I must begin to do many things that I am not presently doing , and I am reconciled to having to try many things for the "first "time. Post-stroke. And each will be a challenge, but I have never shied away from challenges and don't plan to start. The received wisdom from therapists is that If you have not recovered neurologically in 6 months , then you will never recover. Not a happy prognostication, but I am ignoring it and plan to keep trying new things! but she always resists, saying " You can't do that!"

[talaniman]

There seems to be a conflict between what she perceives her "job" to be, and what you think you need. I can only suggest empathy to you, for what she does, and what she perceives to give up on your behalf.

One thing I detect in your writing is your own frustration, as you minimize her hour of direct involvement, but clearly its an important, and necessary function.

For all your striving to heal, are you a good patient?? You know her better than I do, so I can only imagine her frustration, which you see as anger as she seems to have accepted the situation, for now any way, and doesn't share your optimism.

For sure talking about what you both expect, and can realistically see as a long term goal, can help resolve some of her feelings, and maybe you both can adjust to this way of life that has you both conflicted.

[joe fisher]

Hi there help desk folks, I got a reply to my problem from sombody and want to respond, but there was initially, no text box into which to type. So clicked on " send quick reply" and this text box popped up, along with the criticism that my reply ( which I had not typed, because there was now place

[talaniman]

Scroll down to where it says answer this question and type away.