[sbanuelos13]

This whole situation is a trip. I started looking at with eyes of comedic relief. Two weeks ago the mother actually allowed me to go to their sons soccer game. I can't tell you how excited I was. The soccer game went well, neither one of us said a word to the other. Low and behold when I went to my fiance's mothers house the drama unfolded. The mother of the kids stopped by to retrieve her son from us, then proceeded to yell obscene comments in front of her kids, the neighbor, my fiancé and his mother and yes myself. She even tried to fight me, I could only laugh at the situation. I decided to look at her with pitty rather then anger. During that moment when her son was crying and her soon to be three year old was balling in the backseat of her car, she not once stopped to consider what she was doing to them. My fiancé took up for me in every way possible without saying negative things to her in front of their kids. But all I could feel was sorry, this pregnant woman who is on government assistance, infatuated with a man who only loves his kids (not her), and his is filled with so much hate, it just made me feel bad for her. It wasn't worth the breath arguing with her or her family who were in the car behind her.
Lately I have been immersing myself in prayer, not asking for direction but for strength, and forgiveness, and to not hate someone. Honestly it has been working. Not only have I been looking at her through different eyes but him as well. Last Monday we found out that we are having a girl (Madeleine Christine). I can say that throughout this pregnancy I haven't felt more loved or felt reassurance until then. He is more excited then me. I only wish that this whole situation could be resolved peacefully but until one can grow from their hate we shall be shoved into drama filled situations on a daily basis. At that soccer game, I really thought we were going to make a break through, guess not.
Chuff when you ask me "what do I get out of this relationship", nothing until now. He has grown (little by little) from the selfish, ignorant man that he used to be. He does more things for me when I need help, he has been putting me on a pettle stool. The biggest thing is that he has been learning how to apologize. It's a process, I just wish we weren't the only two growing from the situation. I just hope that my daughter will be able to share in the family bond with her sisters and brother. Only God knows what's in store for me, whether I choose to listen is up to me. I have started listening and I see that I have to take care of myself and put what's best for my child and myself first. I have always been able to stand on my two feet, whether I am with him or not I will continue standing. Love has taken me this far and that is why I am in the situation that I am in now. But love won't fix everything, I went back home and I was able to re-open my eyes. If he wants me to stay then he know that I have to come first ( in our relationship), his kids are so important to him and myself so I will always be willing to take the back seat to them, but I refuse to be pushed aside so that he can please her. He has now realized that more then ever. If he continues doing what he is doing then things will be fine, but if he takes two steps back instead of forwards then I will be stepping out the door. I've come to realize that it's not about dealing with her, it's about dealing with my situation and choosing whether to let it over come me or to overcome it.

[Homegirl 50]

Good for you. I wish you and your daughter well

[lindsey84]

I have been with my fiance for a little over three years. In October of last year we broke up and he slept with his babies mother. He already has two children by her. Well we got back together and in January she said she was like three months pregnant. By this time we were already engaged and talked about wedding plans. This woman has been a thorn in my side since day one. I have had to change my number at least three times for her not to call me. She has threatened me countless times. I have a temper Lord knows and out of respect for him, his kids, and his family have not said or done anything. The woman through out the duration of our relationship has put restrictions on him seeing his kids. He pays child support but the only way that she will let him see the kids is if he goes to her house (which I can't stand but I support him). Since he slept with her he has apologized to me day in and day out. I love his son and daughter to death (6 year old and almost 3 year old).
When he and I first got together the mother was pregnant with the second child. In February I found out that I am pregnant, we have been very careful but had one drunken night. Anyways he is so excited about the baby and calls it "His baby". He says that this is the first child that he won't have restrictions on. The mother has already told him that he has to choose between her and the kids or me and his and my new baby. He basically told her to screw herself. I am just now 23, I work (40 hours a week), am in full time school, I have my real estate license and oh I pay my own bills and split the mortgage. He gave her an 04' Nissan Altima, she doesn't have a job, no college education, and is on government assistants. The woman curses in front of her kids, and is just not a nice person.
I have tried and tried to get along with this woman but nothing will work. I am so frustrated and even more so now that I am pregnant. She sends messages to his phone saying that she is still sleeping with him and what not. He will hardly answer her phone calls because he doesn't want to hear her mouth.
I just need some advice with how to deal with her. I want my child to know and love it's brother and sister and whatever else she is having. I just have this fear that she is going to make the kids hate me and my unborn baby (like jealousy issues). What should I do?

Well first off.. you need to be really careful... because I am a mother of 3 children... the father of my first two kids, before I had my 3rd, would call me and come over saying that he and his girlfriend were split up and tell me he wanted to be with me he was sorry and all kinds of stuff.. coming to find out he wasn't split up with her at all. So he may in fact be lying to you about not seeing her and or sleeping with her. You really need to open your heart and your eyes on this one and think it all through before you end up getting hurt..

[sokay]

I know you asked for constructive advice, and this is honestly my version of constructive advice to you:

Get away from him, think about getting a man who you two can make *your own family* together, instead of one who *already has a family*. I know you're pregnant now too, so you don't have as much leverage to require that quality in a mate, but dang, I could no way be involved with a guy like yours.

But then again, my situation is different than yours, in that I don't have or want kids. Mine, or someone else's.

[sully123]

I definitely wouldn't marry this guy right now, he has way too many issues. His problems shouldn't be your problems unless you are married. Change your phone number anything, and let him go to court and get visitations rights, its his problem. Why would you upset yourself when you are pregnant right now. I don't understand how he keeps on getting you and his ex girlfriend pregnant. I guess he doesn't mind paying child support. Three kids, I don't know.. If I was you, I would look for someone new, someone who doesn't have baggage like that.

[sbanuelos13]

I don't plan on marrying him for a few more years (4), if we last till then. I don't want to be stuck with him, and he continually cheat on me behind my back. Right now I am just trying to get through this pregnancy without being any more upset then I have too. For the passed 6 months he has been constantly focused on me, which is nice but annoying at the same time. I know he has a lot of baggage and has just created more, I understand that. Im in school right now, so school, my health, and work are my priorities. Right now is my time for focusing on me. Not her, not him, not the situation, but me. The funny thing about her saying that he is going over there, is that every time she gives a date and time that he was there, he was with me. Isn't that something. I'm tired of having to sit here and decide who's lying and who's telling the truth. I know that I can make it with or without him so that doesn't bother me. I really do appreciate everyone's concerns, insights, and support. I know there are men out there that will accept me for who I am, what I have gone through, and my soon to be little girl.

[Homegirl 50]

How are you feeling? When is your daughter due?
I'm glad you are staying in positive mode and concentrating on you and the baby.

[sully123]

You have to take care of yourself and your baby, that is the most important thing. Don't waste your time worry about the other ex, the kids and everything, and all the drama that goes with it. That is his problem, and he shouldn't even drag you in it. I would stay clear away from the whole situation and not say a word. I would keep my distance from her. Not everyone see things like you do, its not a perfect world. I don't understand how you keep getting caught up in it, and going back for more, like hoping everything will be fine. This man has issues. You said something he couldn't get custody because he has a record. That would scare me! I can see making a mistake once, but three times. No one is judging you, but this man doesn't sound like he has his act together. YOu have too think more of yourself, I would be gone in a flash from a man like this. Honestly, its never going to be the way you want it to be.. Concentrate on that baby and move on.

[sully123]

I don't mean to put you down, but it seems like you are making excuses for him. You said he was drunk and he went to bed with her. No one makes you go to bed with someone, he chose that, and he is responsible for his own actions.. He needs the help.

[sbanuelos13]

Hi Homegirl 50, I am due October 17th, she is growing good and I am fine, thanks for asking. Being positive is all I can be if I were to be negative then it would only make me suffer. As for Sully, I am not making excuses for him, I know that he made the dumb decision to lay down in bed with her, no one held a gun to his head and made him do it. As for his record, it happened when he was eighteen and stupid. It doesn't scare me because everyone makes mistakes. He is now 27 doesn't do anything that would pertain to his old charge. This situation with the mother of his kids is his problem, not mine. I don't say a word and when we do get the kids I cherish every moment. He has to deal with the situation on his own. The baby that he is having with her is due any day now. She is the thrilled about it. He is getting a DNA test done at the hospital to make sure that it is his. Regardless of the DNA test, he still did the deed and it will never be forgiven. My focus is on me, school, work, and my soon to be daughter. I know that he regrets having sex with her, he tells me. The fact that he has to deal with her for eighteen more years just unnerves him. His problem not mine. Any woman would want to stay clear of a situation like mine but when you've been in love with someone for over 3 and a half years, and the situation didn't start like this, it's hard to walk away. It's my decision to leave and that is why I am not ready to get married. You say that it is never going to happen the way I want. The way I want? What I want is to be happy, I don't have to be friends with her, what I want is for my daughter to know her siblings, what I want is for my man to be a man and keep his Johnson in his pants, what I want is to always be able to depend on myself and to know that I can make it through whatever obstacle is thrown at me. That's what I want, this isn't game, Im not trying to win some prize, I am just trying to be happy with the foolish person that I love. I have dealt with the mother of his kids harassing me, saying crude things about me to him, his kids, and his family. I have dealt with this woman threatening me, and for what. Because I think it will all work out? No because she is not who I am in love with, is it worth it? No, it sucks but I don't have to see her, she hardly ever calls his phone, and I don't engorge myself with thoughts of her and the drama. Im happy focusing on me, my soon to be daughter and my relationship (as odd as that may sound). If its in Gods will for me to leave then I will. I know your not putting me down, you opinion is very much appreciated. Without an outside voice opening my eyes, I wouldn't have come to some type of peace within myself. Thank You

[sbanuelos13]

So yesterday she had the baby. The baby weighed 6lbs. 1oz.. I can honestly say that I had a mental break down. I cried from the time he left to go to the hospital (4 in the morning) until I went to sleep. I feel a little better today, still depressed though. He assures me that everything is going to be fine and that I and our baby are still priority. I wasn't mentally prepared for yesterday. I knew the day was coming but just wasn't ready. He took pictures of the birth and of the baby. The baby has his nose. The mother wanted to name the baby Madeline but he told her no since that was what we are naming our daughter. So instead she named her Marissa. I slept in from work today until 9:30, I needed it, my eyes were so slanted from all of the crying. All I could say to him was how much this sucked. I went through every scenario possible of what could be the outcome of this tragedy. Needless to say it did nothing but make him mad. His birthday was today, what a hell of a birthday present. I just needed to get this off my chest. I hope the sad feelings go away soon and I can get back to focusing on me.

[Homegirl 50]

I know this is hard for you. Get your tears out.
This guy does have an obligation to this baby, so be prepared for that as well.
It might be easier for you if he is not living with you, then you don't see his coming and going to that child.
I hope he considers having a vasectomy. He does not need to make anymore babies and unless he is making really good money, he can't afford anymore babies.
You do what you have to do to keep your sanity. Take care of yourself.

[tolerance]

When a baby is born everyone will make a fuss just like when your child is born. This will be his first child with you but not his first so I think you wanted your pregnancy to be a special moment for the best of you, since it's your first, but your moment will come. He have to see his baby and kids and I'm glad he did not neglect them. It might hurt more because his daughter was born on his birthday but that's nothing you can't control.

You're due soon so focus on that and don't stress yourself. Just know he will do the same for you. This is a very tough situation.

[sbanuelos13]

He made me feel better yesterday about the situation. I told him that I needed to break down, and that I needed to cry. The thing is he does make REALLY good money and can afford to take care of his kids. I have told him that I want him to have a vasectomy and he said he will do it after our daughter is born. He better! The DNA results will be in in a month so we will know if the baby is really his or not. In my mind the baby is his and if she isn't he will still take care of her. He takes care of his baby's mothers niece like she was his daughter. We kind of talked yesterday and I told him that I am just worried that he won't be able to balance everything. He said that he would and that I have nothing to worry. I asked him if he could go back to January and take my pregnancy back would he. He said no, he is finally having a baby with a woman that he loves and plans to marry (Marry in like 5 years if that). I asked him if he would take the baby back with her and he said yes. He said he is not prepared to be kept out of another child's life and have restrictions on. I guess these next three months will be a trying period. We are still looking for a house and haven't really prepared for the baby so that weighs on my shoulder as well. He tells me that he will just run out to the store and buy everything that is needed the day she is born. Talk about crazy. I guess I worry that when I need him he's not going to be there. Only time will tell. He didn't go visit the baby yesterday which I thought was odd. He said that they were already out of the hospital, I thought you stay in the hospital for a couple of days when you give birth. I miss his other two kids, I hope we get to see them soon, especially his little girl. I have a bond with the other two kids, I know it's just going to be hard for me to feel the same way about this one. Im not a mean person so it's not like I am going to be mean to her, it's just that I know I won't have the same amount of love for her. Maybe over time things will change but I really don't think it will.


I go to the doctor tomorrow for a growth check ( I love going to the doctor and seeing her move). My family is really excited so that makes things better for me. My baby only has two of the three vessels in her umbilical cord so we have to have her growth checked monthly. But so far all is well. I hope him having a new daughter doesn't take the excitement away from ours.

[Homegirl 50]

Try not to worry about him . You keep yourself as stress free as possible.
I hope your Dr. visit goes well.

[sbanuelos13]

So this past weekend my fiance's sister threw me a baby shower. All the family intended to come. Well my fiance's daughter turned 3 on the 18th and they had a little party of just the kids on Monday. Well she found out about my baby shower and on Thursday decided to throw an actual party for the little girl. She threw the party on the same day and at the same time as my baby shower. So needless to say the family was divided. I am just so irritated by this woman. How low is she going to sink? This is just crazy. I told his sister that I dread holiday events and that she needed to grow up. Even though not everyone was there I still had a good time. At least my mom is throwing me a shower this weekend in Oklahoma and I have a lot of people that love me going to attend.

My baby is due in 8 more weeks (I just turned 8 months), so I can only imagine how much worse things will get. The doctors say that she will be early (I am excited yet not trying to freak out). I mentioned to my fiancé how I felt that it is going to be messed up that my little girl will be excluded out of certain events of her siblings lives. He agreed and said that the ex is going to have to deal with it. To bad it's not that simple. I just don't see how a woman can be filled with so much anger to try her hardest to ruin my babyshower. The baby that she had is turning a month old tomorrow and yet her attitude has not changed. She is still mean, rude, and B****y on the phone. I just don't get it. Something has to give.

[Homegirl 50]

I think a lot of this is your boyfriend fault. You really don't know what all was said when he went to her home again and slept with her.
As immature and vindictive as this woman is, she loves this man, she has had three kids by him and he has put you two in an impossible position.
You need to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with this.
I wish you well.
Let us know when that precious one is born.

[sbanuelos13]

So I haven't written in a while. My daughter was born on October 7th, 2008. She weighed 4 pounds and 9 ounces. She is doing great now. She is a spitting image of her father :( . It's amazing how having a child opens your eyes. We don't have her in daycare so she is with daddy 24/7. He is amazing with her. I can't believe how he has stepped up to the plate like this. His eldest daughter now lives with us. Her mother said that she can't handle her. The poor girl is only 3. Oh well, I love her to death. The ex and I haven't spoken nor seen each other in a long time. Since she had her baby we have watched her all of 3 times. The ex told her son that my daughter wasn't his sister. My fiancé cleared that up real quick. Things are actually going good for us. Im back at work and back in school. The ex actually has a new man in her life (I pray that works out for her). She also started back at school (which keeps her busy from bothering us). The crazy thing is, is that she is going to a vocational school to do the same thing that I am but I am getting my bachelors degree and masters. She will just have her license. But whatever, at least she will be able to provide for her kids and quit relying on him. Hopefully things will stay on the same path as they are now. Thanks to all who helped get me through this trying time (especially while I was pregnant). I will be attaching pictures of my daughter in case any one is curious about what she looks like. Thanks again!

[COOKIE MONSTER]

Aww she's cute.im glad everythings working out hun xx

[liz28]

Wow, Congratulations! I am glad everything worked out for and I remember your post and I think I responded eariler in your thread.

I am glad to hear that the drama has calmed down and I hope it stays that way.

Enjoy your bundle of joy and take care of her. I can't wait until my baby get here. She's cute by the way.