[Chery]

How long did you know your husband before you took that step?
Did you try enough 'pairs of shoes, before buying them?

If you are vulnerable to flirtations from married men, and then also get attracted to them - be ready to fall many times - because any married man who cheats on his wife, will cheat on you too.
The same goes for women - it turns out to become a habit. So, if you still feel anything for your husband, tell him (he probably already knows how this guy looks at you and hopes you're smart enough to shirk it off) and suggest a nice weekend as stated below.

This situation is going to drive you nuts one way or the other, and you have to make a choice about your future real soon. I hope you make the right one, and that you'll be OK. I'm not judging you at all, you are one among millions of women and that's just part of some people's life. Especially if they think they missed out on something in the first place.
Maybe you'll be surprised and find it with your husband - I certainly hope so.

No matter what your choice, wish you lots of luck - but stay away from married men, they usually are bad news.

Please don't feel offended or judged, we're just concerned. So please keep us posted.

[Wildcat21]

Yep -the married guy will tell you anything to get you in the sack. Then your life is ruined. Believe me - never the same.

80% of cheating men get caught... so that mean 80% of the women were caught. Not good #s.

And this guy seems like such a loose canon that he will get cuaght and NOT care.

[pburke]

Well, to answer some questions which were asked... It's along story about why we got married, but my husband was a pathalogical liar, I was stupid enough to fall into his trap, and over the first year he had me so financially twisted up with him, it was hard to leave. Since then we have built reputable businesses and my husband is very well connected in the community. He is not an easy man to live with and I have seen him ruin people and their careers through his connections. The guy I spoke of, which in everyone's opinion here, is a creep, is actually very nice. I have known him for several years and over that time we haven't really interacted that much, he is also is a high ranking person in our community, but it is just lately he seems to be going out of his way to see and speak to me, it is not in such an obtrusive way as to be over the top, he visited our house that evening to bring information on a case we were working on. Yes, he could have done it over the phone, but there were photographs involved, and yes, he could also have waited until morning. He never calls unless my husband is home, and never stops by when he is not home. My question for this forum was more of a "do you think I'm reading into this" than it was a please assess this persons character. His body language seems to indicate that he likes me, but it is always nice to have a second opinion. I am attracted to him, so I may be misjudging his intentions as being "romantic" instead of friendly. I do not want to misread his intentions because then I would feel uncomfortable and it would effect my ability to be his friend. I guess maybe I didn't explain myself well enough.

[Chery]

Well, to answer some questions which were asked...It's along story about why we got married, but my husband was a pathalogical liar, I was stupid enough to fall into his trap, and over the first year he had me so financialy twisted up with him, it was hard to leave. Since then we have built reputable businesses and my husband is very well conected in the community. He is not an easy man to live with and I have seen him ruin people and their careers through his connections. The guy I spoke of, which in everyone's opinion here, is a creep, is actually very nice. I have known him for several years and over that time we haven't really interacted that much, he is also is a high ranking person in our community, but it is just lately he seems to be going out of his way to see and speak to me, it is not in such an obtrusive way as to be over the top, he visited our house that evening to bring information on a case we were working on. Yes, he could have done it over the phone, but there were photographs involved, and yes, he could also have waited til morning. He never calls unless my husband is home, and never stops by when he is not home. My question for this forum was more of a "do you think I'm reading into this" than it was a please assess this persons character. His body language seems to indicate that he likes me, but it is always nice to have a second opinion. I am attracted to him, so I may be misjudging his intentions as being "romantic" instead of friendly. I do not want to misread his intentions because then I would feel uncomfortable and it would effect my ability to be his friend. I guess maybe I didn't explain myself well enough.

Well, I'm glad that you finally told us more of the picture after three pages on this post. We do not read minds and/or between the lines, so you got exactly what you asked for, to include the questions you did not answer in the beginning.
So, you see, one can read things into actions, just as we read things in your original post. Take it for what it's worth and go on with your life.
All the luck.

[Wildcat21]

Yes - we needed more information.

BUT, the other guy is still a complete creep - he's mariied - you're married.

He cheats = liar = Liar + cheat... not a good person to be with.

IF he cheats on his wife, he will cheat on you. This is still the guy who tell you anything to get into the sack.

AND you are not misjudging anything - this guy has made it quite clear he is interested.

Another problem here - WHEN you get caught - WHAT will your husnad do? Sounds like he is creep as well. It sounds like you may have massive trouble there as well.

[Chery]

Wildcat, it seems she is used to liars and con-men, so whatever choice she makes will be her's. I just hope she can handle the outcome and wish her all the luck in the world - it will be rough going either way.

Choices are sometimes hard to make and should be weighed carefully.

[Wildcat21]

I agree so much with that. Ughhhhhhhhhh - two louses.

I worry for her rbecause her husband seems like a control freak.

[confuzed]

I would definitely say back off to this guy and keep your distance as much as possible. It may be true that you are attracted to him but are you attracted to him because he has been giving you attention that you are lacking or because you like him? It doesn't sound like you really like him if he is creeping you out so maybe it is time for you and your husband to take some time for the two of you, and get away from this creepy guy! You may want to specify to this guy to stop visiting you at work. If you are worried about it tell him your boss mentioned that you can't have guests.

[Wildcat21]

I think she wantsthe attention - needs it.

[pburke]

Hmmmm, some of the postings I'm reading are getting a little prickly, it almost seems as if some people may be internalizing and taking things a bit personally. I wouldn't describe myself as needing attention, I don't really like attention that much, I get enough. I'm not a flashy dresser, I don't even wear make-up and as for my husband, though he has his flaws, he gives me more attention than I require. I am not off to have an affair, I am committed to my marriage, as bad as it gets at times, I just don't like to misread people, and because I am somewhat reserved around men, I don't always get a good "read" on their intentions. Nothing more really, I'm sure it is just a crush on my part, I think at some point in time, many people wonder if they could/would/should have an affair. I am not a foolish woman, I know the game and it's limits, sometimes it's just hard to tell whether the palyers are just playing for fun, or out to win.

[bizygurl]

I agree with you Pburke, We are all human and make human mistakes. And that means you have thoughts and they are not all perfect. I know I have been there where you are. But only you can make the right decision, we are here merely to offer advice.

But I do think it's a bit much when others start calling someone a "louse" which I think is a little uncalled for. No body is perfect and we all have our flaws its upp to us to make our own decisions about our lives when it comes down to it.
I think when you had mentioned that you were attracted to this guy after you described him and he sounded kind of creepy to the rest of us. I think people were just a little taken a back by it.
It seems like you honestly didn't know this guys intentions and were just asking about it, I see what you were trying to get at. I think the guy does like you, but you have to ask why would he be so obvious to do that knowing your married? That's why I think a lot of us think he is a creep. He wants you but is friends with you and your husband, doesn't sound like the best of character.

[talaniman]

Normally I would be the first to apologize for making a mistake,but in re-reading this thread,I feel that my response was appropriate for the information that was presented at the time.With more information a question has come to mind, if things being as you say why would you be asking about the character of a friend of you and your husband that you are attracted to and not be asking about the relationship between your husband and you which seems more of a point to seek advice about? Just curious!:cool:

[pburke]

The answer to that is quite lengthy and complicated, so in an effort to not bore people to death, here goes. My husband and I have beaten the horse to death, so to speak. He has made considerable effort to modify his behavior and be a more sensitive to others, especially me. I on the other hand, seem to be unable to let go of the 12+ years of verbal and mental abuse I have let him subject me to. In general, we have a decent relationship, however, he does at times revert to his abusive side. Don't misunderstand, he has never, and never would raise a hand to me, he is just incredibly demeaning and impossible to please. So basically, we mostly agree to disagree. It is obvious to me that I have not chosen "Mr. Right" and it is obvious to him as well, he too has a laundry list of things about me he would change. It is also obvious to me that I have this crush because I see something in this other person which is closer to my idea of my "Mr. Right". My description of him was probably taken as creepy because it is difficult to describe a person's non-verbal cues without a little exaggeration, making it seem like he is outwardly aggressive. This is not the case, his actions are more subtle and seemingly on an uncoscious level. I wouldn't expect any apologies, nor do I think any are due. I do not often communicate in this manner, and as it seems, it takes a little practice to effectively get your point across.

[talaniman]

Hey P sorry for the misunderstanding before,I get to be a little blunt sometimes especially when I get caught up in what a think is totally wrong,and who am I to judge someone else.I hope you stick around and don't be put off by hard heads like myself,good luck with your marriage!:cool:

[Wildcat21]

All - mental AND verbal abuse can be MORE dammaging than physical. It's JUST as bad and if not worse.

NO ONE DESERVES MENTAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE.

I persoanlly would get out of this because it won't get better - these guys promise change, but a few weeks later they resort back to the abuse - it takes years of therapy to get over this.

[pburke]

Yes I know, but we have 2 small children and I would like for them to get a little older before I make a move like that. A year and a half ago I went out looking at apartments, my children told him what we did (not knowing any better) and we had a lengthy discussion. Since that time he has been to counseling and made significant improvement, but I don't think that I can get past it. Additionally, as I said, sometimes he slips back into his abusive ways. It's hard even talking about it because I have already spent so much energy on "working" on it, that I just get tired of thinking about it.

[Wildcat21]

"slips back into his abusive ways" - I feel for you, because they always will. It's also a respect thing - people generally are abusive to people they don't respect.

I can't imagine what you've been through. And if he treats the children the same way, well, they don't deserve it.

[confuzed]

I truly feel for your situation! Mental and verbal abuse are nothing you should have to put up with. It is good that he is seeking counseling but I think you still may want to consider moving on to an apartment of your own. Especially with two small children. Even if you may think they are too small to understand they may be feeling the effects of the verbal abuse even if he doesn't do it to them. Have you sought any counseling to help yourself with this situation? I wish you the best and hope that all works out well for you and your children!

[pburke]

Thank you. I am actually trained as a counselor, so I know I should go, but I just don't have the energy to talk about it anymore. I understand that I don't have the strength and courage right now to move on, but I know one day I will. I'm sure it would be better for the kids, but they adore him and he really loves them, the stress of us arguing has taken its toll on their sense of "well being" though, and my husband at least recognizes that and we both work really hard now not to discuss things in front of them. At this moment in time, we are both working to help our children.

[bizygurl]

I know its hard honey, believe me my husband is a recovering addict. And I have been there. Thingd are much better now but you never know. Of course your childern adore him he is there daddy and I'm sure he is a great father, but that doesn't always he is a great spouse. There are plenty of good parents but that doesn't mean they treat there spouses with respect. Take it day by day. Its very easy for people like us to tell you to get out of the situation, Im guilty of it. But since we aren't there we don't know exactly what your feelings are and how you want to go about this. And if at this moment your working together for your children's sake, then at least that's telling me you both want to work on this and you both care enough about each other. I do commend you on that.