[Makiavelic76]

Well friends, after 3 years and 4 months of relationship, and about a buch of problems and harsh things I believed it would be different, my relationship with this girl end. It was her decision. She took a cold actitute since I lied to her, about a meeting I was having the other day, instead I left earlier so I can go to cure my goldfish. I know that sounds silly, I known the fact that a lie is lie but she start acusing me that I was with another girl bla bla bla. With her caracteristic and overreacted distrust. I want to add the fact that she recognized me the other day a lie she was keeping me about a time when we split (her decision on that time again) about a guy she told me she kissed. So when we get back together she told me: no, I haven't be with anybody, then, after couple of months, she call me to my office crying and saying: I have to tell you the truth, yes I was with someone else, and I want you to know from me instead from others. And now, after 2 years, she told me: OK, I lie, I hadn't kiss any guy that time, I just told you that because I though you were with someone else. (and she watched me suffering for that fact for all that time) Cu cu cu cu!!

Well, and now, I'm the beast!! I lied (even I recognized the same moment to her) for 30 minutes for going to put a pill on my fish (who actually died even my efforts to save him), and she just told me: I don't want to be with you, I can't trust you no more, you lied to me so much!
This is 4 or 5 time she break with me, and I'm just tired (I'm not the kind of person who crawls back to her begging for taking me back, when she breaks with me). Im just tired... of her distrust, her hypervigilance, I known that I have been good man to her, I just feel not recognized by any of my qualities that I have or for the life we created. I just feel she was looking for a little straw on my behavior to throw the fire over me. And tell me, it's your fault.

For those who are kind to follow my story:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-ii-48258.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-ii-48258.html

She break up with me today because of that, I came to her house to talk to her, listen to her and tell her how I feel about what's hurting me about her lies neglected to me and try to persuade her about her decision but she... used everything I said for wiping... the floor. I just ask her and tell her we can work it out, she said no. I ask her if she's secure about that, she said yes. I just left her place.

I know that I'm no sheep, and I don't want to present myself as one, but I just feel AT THE END that she's forcing me to put the wolf disguise.

I know I still love her, and I know I don't want to break up with her, but also I know all her accusations the things she made me through aren't sane and healthy. I just feel I have to move on now! This is too much abuse.

I just have erased her numbers and emails and contacts by now. I don't want any regreat from her. But I need to be strong. Funny she saying the same thing. But she never even try to solve things out.

Looking for suport here fellas.. I think this is it but some black clouds are coming for my days. Hopefully not for so long..

[jeffatl]

I think you are missing the point here. She feels that if you are going to lie about something so "silly" what else are you going to lie about? HONESTY is KEY!! If you get busted on a stupid lie, a woman will always think you are lying about a serious situation. Buck up buddy and admit your stupidity here. If you can, get her to laugh at you for it. It sounds like she already has trust issuses with you, and this didn't help. Be smart here, you might still be able to salvage this relationship. Give her time to be mad at you, don't contact her until she is ready to talk.

[Makiavelic76]

Thanks jeffatl, hmm yes I admitted my mistake to her. But It feels unfair. This was just a trigger. What about her lies to me? And what lies!! It feels unfair. I trust her many times and give her chance to gain my trust on huge issues. And she just put me on the freezer because I lied about a stupidity!? Many times when I give her time to be mad, the result is even wrost. Like today, if I don't call her, (cuz I was resented with her because the day before I was sick and I ask her for a ride to a doctor and she just told me I can't!! -her classic behavior when she mad at me she didn't care if I live or die-) it's because I don't care about her, she says. And when I come to look for her, hmmm it's too late now! She says. Always the same thing. And the end, I'm the moster of the movie.
Yes, I give her all the time she needs to be mad with me, braking up with me. OK, I don't see that coming but what I got left or to loose? My dignity? Never.

[jeffatl]

I think you need to calm down a little, and think about what might have been the "trigger" for this then. Also, if you guys BOTH don't have a relationship where you can be honest with one another, what is the point of having a relationship in the first place? I would never say give up your dignity, never. Maybe it would be best to just let this one go. It seems like you both keep tabs on who has done what to eacthother, and that is just a situation waiting for a constant fight. Im sure she has lied to you, and you should never be made out as the monster for this because its obvious that this wasn't the whole reason for the break up. It sounds like this girl doesn't know what she wants, and both of you are being kind of childish about this whole thing, and I see how that can happen in a relationship where nothing you do is the right thing, and you are always being scored on what you do and don't do. I would say be the bigger person in this one and just ask for a straight answer, if she can't give it to you, walk away bud. If you don't, this is just going to be one giant headache after another. I want to clarify, I don't think you are a bad person in any way, it just sounds like things have gotten a little out of control for you, and this girl seems to really be turning the screws on you. My opinion, doesn't seem woth the trouble. Relationships like this never last long, or end well. I would never let another person like that in my life, who needs it? I'm sure you care about one another, but you guys just don't seem right.

[Makiavelic76]

Thanks for still being around Jeff. I'm just fresh now. It doesn't hurt like the other times she broke with me, but I guess I'm shock yet. And yes, that's is exactly what I feel now: Quoting you: it just sounds like things have gotten a little out of control for you, and this girl seems to really be turning the screws on you.
I just need to convince myself, that I tried all I could to have a stable life with her. Tried until she left me.
To convince myself that she hurt me, and I hurt her, but she never care to solves things really. Just to put some dust over them and go on, it was her style.
To convince myself that I should move on, no matter if she get back to me AGAIN.
And to implement that move on process (step by step) according to the further situations I could experience because of her.
I will be around too... until I raise again... someday.
Thank you for the warm honesty

[Makiavelic76]

Oh man, this time I'm amazed by her determination.. maybe she feels too sure about my feelings for her or maybe she's frogjumpin around.. hard to swallow.

[jeffatl]

The problem you have run into here is, this girl has you figured out and she knows how to push your buttons, she also knows if she "sticks to her guns" per-say, she wins. I think you need to at least act like you are letting this one go. From what you have said, you guys break up A lot... so what makes this any different? You have a girl that is ver insecure, so she feels like she needs to show her dominance over you by dumping you over trivial crap ever month or so... lame. Im sure you care about this girl, but you need to tell her "if we are broken up, thats is, I can't do this". I mean seriously, what's the point? This is a power move for a person that thinks they have no power in the relationship, she wants you to jump though hoops for her, and that's not right. Sure, you made some mistakes, but who hasn't? This is a typical "one up" relationship. She does something wrong, you do something wrong, she break up with you, then you jump though hoops to get her back... sound about right? I think you really need to take a look at this relationship for what it is, and not what you want it to be. I think you can save it if you are willing to just get all the BS out on the table, but it won't be easy to take each other seriously because the break ups are meaning less. She is showing "determination" because you cave in to her all the time. Im not asking you to be mean, just aske her for a straight and final answer... ANYONE would deserve that. She is playing with you, and she hold all the cards because SHE broke up with YOU... that is crap... SHE should try and win YOU back if she wants you... I want you to know, I say all of this with the intention of helping you... but you are falling for a load of crap, and anyone on here will tell you that. Nobody deserves to be toyed with, and that is what she is doing with you...

[MissingHim2Much]

I agree with Jeff.

[Makiavelic76]

Yes, I think I know since 3 or months ago what's the real issue here. My psycological background, my wall leaks. I spent all these previous months doing some family and mental search, about what's wrong with me? Why my 2 strong relationships ended almost the same. I guess I found it. The why.

I'm a son of a mother who was very overprotected to me because the emotional distance of my father. I grew so close to her that I absorbed even her fears. My dear mom keep the home together for the mental and emotional stability of her sons (her decision) despite the infidelity of my father. The were no process for her just a constant fight to adapt and fight and fight and fight to keep the home solid and united. My dad as an old school man, never had the tact to be expressive or willing to solve things out with my mom, because he just doesn't have that habilities, but at least he never abandon my mom and us. And with the years, this bump on them is still visible on their faces but far enough. He regrets, he told me once.

So, the subconscience message of growing up under this environment was: Fight, fight, fight, fight, almost no matter what you have to keep the family (couple) together.
That's the reason I guess I fought too much on my relationships, almost like I want to save "someone" or change someone (not in the bossy way but too compassive way), and yes, that's the subconscious personification of my desires to change my dad so he can be more pleasant with my mom, so she can feel more happy.

Now I have to know how to stop this subconscious ways activate into my natural selection process of females as my parteners and how to make that "SHE should try and win YOU back if she wants you" not so easily.
Yes, the breaks up means less for her, and I did told her on previous problems that I won't be her toy.
I asked to her the day she broke up with me, if that is her last word, and she respond it, if you were at least with other face (more smiling I guess) or at least holding her hands asking her to not break up with me she would consider it, but then I found that again almost funny. I put lots of feelings asking her to give us a chance saying that I love her and I have hurts neglected from her as well as she has with me, and she said, no. So, I left.

I don't know now what to expect. I don't know if I want to give her space so she can (hopefully) not just miss me but maybe the time so she can calm down and put the things straight, so she might decide OK I row with you or I don't. Meanwhile, I don't know how much time to wait or what to feel or what to do. Incredible!! It is easier to recommend others rather than put it on practice to ourselves.

What is sure for now, I don't want her to play me and push my bottons any more.
I just applied inmediatly the no contact rule, and erase any way of impersonal contact with her (block emails, change passwords since I gave her all my pass so she can't be distrust, erase phone numbers, etc) I just I'm a little afraid of been too hard on this, not sure of that. But I did it. If she wants to contact me, she will have to make an effort more than the other times. If she would be willing to solve things out. I think with this I don't want her to react against my coldness but I just want to leave that one door without lock just in case she figure it out how to get there.

Maybe I'm too fresh to think reasonable. Ufff
I will get some sleep for now.
I have to plan a travel for tomorrow... flying solo this time.. and then a whole life to rebuild
Bless you all

[Makiavelic76]

Hello fellas! I'm watching the ocean and waves are good today. This little trip is hard to handdle since she's in the air every step.
But I know I have to do it!! Let this one go

My mind is tricking me and starting to betray me about how she put all the screws on me when she dumped me, I was the one who lied, the one who raised the voice and treat her bad... un freaking believeable!.

Day by day, need your support, ill be around

[GlindaofOz]

Its only typical my dear. You start your first few days maybe even weeks wrapped up in terrible anger towards the other person. Time turns the anger inward. In my opinion I say force yourself to focus on that persons negatives - all of it every last silly thing fixate upon it until you are healed. You can sort blame later after you've been able to gain some perspective. Right now you are still too deep in to see things really clearly.

After my last break up I had a very hard time focusing on my ex's negative attributes and the things he did wrong in the relationship. So I sat down with my two closest girlfriends and they helped me pull out every dastardly thing he ever did and helped me pick apart his character. Anytime I started to fall into "oh if I hadn't done X...." I would whip out that page and go oh right he was the dirty rat!

It might help

[Makiavelic76]

Thanks GlindaofOz, I think I know what to do, the bigger picture. But all the small steps to do that are so messed up with my feelings of how she handled the break up to put it as my fault... As I said my brain is starting to betray me. Lucky I'm miles away in remote beach with internet but no cell or IMS.
How could she gave up in such a cold way? After all I done for her and us. Not a single tear. Such a tough girl your are -i said to her- hearing all her coldness. Wow!
I don't get to that anger phase yet, I'm just down.
I even had to change my social skills (been funny or charming) just for her not feel insecure. WRONG MOVE, now I'm facing this without a group of friends.
Rebuild, but don't know how

[GlindaofOz]

You've got your answer... its all baby steps. You take one thing at a time, work on it, heal it, fix it, move forward. If you try to tackle everything at once you will be a wreck. If you feel its worthwhile to heal old friendships first then by all means send out a deeply apologetic email to your friend and see if any bite back. If you feel its best for you to be alone and get a few more feet deep into healing from this break up then do that.

After break ups I find it so beneficial to listen to myself and do whatever it is that I want to do. It runs from the mundane like getting take out for dinner instead of cooking to the extreme of jumping in both feet to a new hobby, new friendships, etc. Just listen to yourself and do what feels good for you in order for you to start healing and feeling good again

[Makiavelic76]

Yes baby steps.. All I can think at this moment is her arguments to finish me. She used to have my email account password and when I had other email from work, she asked me for the password too. I gave it to her since I don't have any to hide (and trying to ease her distrust). She browsed on that account and found some emails with one of my ex, but as in the other email I had them too (from 10 years ago, she lives in other country, she happily married and a son). She read in that that I do not mention her, even on a trip we did. Yes, on that email I just put "I travelled to" rather "we travelled". And that was it for her. I told her in many others email I wrote about us and how happy I feel. But she just laugh and I'm the biggest lier.
I even wrote other email to that girl saying how much I love my girlfriend, but she said, too late.
Did she play me with that, don't you think? OHhhh boy

And yes, tonight I will start to write that list you refer to. Thank u

[GlindaofOz]

From what you've said it sounds as if she spent the entire the relationship punishing you for the sins of others. A lot of girls get ingrained to them this idea that all guys will be like the one guy who hurt them/cheated on them, etc. It sounds as if she has had someone cheat on her and lie to her compulsively in the past and unfortunately decided to take it out on you. I know how that goes and it absolutely sucks. You feel as if you have to do everything perfect and prove yourself over and over again and yet it never seems to help. It's a vicious, awful cycle to get stuck in. I think you should thank your lucky stars that she released you from this craziness.

[Makiavelic76]

Yes you right!! That would be another line for the tiger!.

The point here now is fighting the urge of knowing what was the real reason that makes her release me from that craziness.

[jeffatl]

Maki... you are letting yourself fall too deep into this buddy. I understand what you are going thought, but you really need to start thinking about the future, and how much you life needs to get on track BEFORE you step into this kind of situation again. I get your attachment issues due to your mother being your ROCK, I went htough the same thing... but you have to learn balance in your relationships, you can't let someone have some much power over you that they almost dictate every move you make. You have one MAJOR thing going for you and that is your sensitivity, and you can use that to your advantage if you learn how to control it. Women LOVE sensitive guys, but they don't want a wuss. You have to learn how to BALANCE your sensitivity with not letting someone abuse you... that is what this girl did. It really looks like she took advantage of you, and that sucks, but learn from your mistakes (the things that you shouldn't have elet sslide) and work on being a stonger man for the next woman in your life, the next girl will get such a better experience and so will you, she will thank your EX for all this! I know it is soon, and you have to "go through the motions" and take your time buddy! The more you learn, the better off you are, LEARN LEARN LEARN!! Every woman that comes and goes needs to be a LEARING EXPERIENCE!! Take to good, and the bad for what they are. LEARN when to stand up for yourself, and when to just stand down. You need to learn how to be a strong person, and I know you can. The end of a relationship is the worst feeling in the world... I know, but know is the time for a re-birth in a way and become a better partner for the next. Ask any woman on here what she wants in a man and I'm sure it will be at least these traits... STRONG, CONFIDENT, SENSITIVE, TRUSTING, CARING, AMBITIOUS... and it's not really that hard to be all of those!! You have to live for you, not someone else. The relationship needs to be a boost, not a crutch. I was raised by all women, a mother and 4 sisters... and I still have no clue what to do a lot of times. The thing you have to remember is NOT to over think things and just be you, if something bothers you... say something about it... but choose your fights wisely... some things are better just swallowed so you don't come off as clingy or y. Seriously, read your past couple posts... I'm sure that is not the lkind of man you are in actual life. It's good you are getting it all out on a place where you can come back and read it later... it will blow your mind how crazy this kind of stuff will make you. I won't give up on you yet, you have a long way to go, but you also have a lot to learn. I will try and guide you the best I can, and you always have people on here that will listen. Chin up!

[Makiavelic76]

Ok Jeff, I'm walking the fine line here, between control and emotional break down. Small steps.

I know I don't have to think about her now, but all I can do even when I'm walking is how she put all the screws on me to break up with me, not considering her own mistakes. She told me she love me, but can't trust me. Funny!! I should be the one who distrust her. I rather preferred to hear: I don't love you no more, please move on your life.

1.-How to fight these urge to think it was my fault?
2.-How to avoid to think about the "real reason" she had to dump me. Other guy? dominance game? inmaturity? Based on what.

This techique of blaming or overeact your faults to dump someone, it's really a cheap shot. If it is applieable to my case of course...

I bet she's even angered than me right now or maybe not, I don't know.

I will go to start writing that DISLIKE list about her now, that would be my 1st step.

Thank you for those warm and insightfull words Jeff, I will need that guidance. I think I know what to do but really the feeling is a blinding coat.

I will be around..

[Makiavelic76]

I have to correct myself, that would be my 2nd step. The first one is already rolling: NC rule since she dump me + some ex data erasing.

[jeffatl]

YOU ARE DOING FINE!! Again, these things take time.

Your answers:

1: You can't fight the urge to feel like it's your fault because she is making you feel like it's your fault by blaming you. I would say that probably the wost thing someone does to themselves after a hard break up is blame themselves for what happened, and that brings me to your 2.

2: DO NOT RATIONALIZE!! You are going to burn yourself out buddy. Just accept the break up for what it is, a lot of time the actual truth hurts worse...

Things are going to get harder before they get better, but all of this will be good for you in the end. "This techique of blaming or overeact your faults to dump someone, it's really a cheap shot". EXACTLY!! See this relationship for what it was, doesn't sound like either of you were very happy. A lot of times people are blind to their partners true faults until it's over. The best thing for you to do right now it think about how this relationship being over is a good thing for you... just don't be tempted when she comes back to try and control you again, and I see this happening when her insecurity comes back... she will come back to you for all the wrong reasons. Go out with your friends, have a beer and watch some football today, yeat it's FOOTBALL DAY! You are doing just fine, it takes time.