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doranc · Jun 10, 2007, 03:42 PM

Hi,

I have this question about 'boyfriend and money', I guess here is where it fits best.

I wanted to go on this trip, but my boyfriend didn't have money. So I said I'd pay for everything. (It's the 2nd trip I'm paying for). This time, it's a gift for his birthday.

Now almost everything is paid for, and I'm running out of money. I promised to take him to the best windsurf spot and hire the equipment, but I'm not sure I can manage. I prefer surf myself, and it's much cheaper. But he absolutely loves windsurf, and this place is like a windsurf mecca, so I'd love it for him to make the best of this trip.

The thing is, we're both university students, graduating this year; I have a job already, but he's really busy at school and doesn't work yet. That's why he's so broke. His parents offered to give him an allowance till things get better, but he refused.

My question is - should I ask him to contribute to this trip? Why would he refuse his parents' allowance, but accept my money again and again? Even when I'm nearly as broke as him? Should I tell him 'I'm paying for surf - if you want windsurf, pay for it yourself'? I've already paid for the flight and the hotel, which is like 6 x what he spent on my birthday gift. We could get through on my money, but it wouldn't be the same. Also, he does have some money stashed away.

So.. is it unfair for me to ask? I'm still hoping he'd offer to help out, but what if he doesn't? I know I promised, and I've kept my word, but the budget is getting real tight, and I hate to count every cent when on holidays. Should I tell him to accept his parents' money?

He might say, 'It wasn't my idea, you insisted, I told you I had no money'... I know it's wrong to ask, but I just think that if the other person is going out of her way for you to have a good time, you should help out a little if you have the possibility. I'm afraid I'll end up resenting him for not offering any help.

Well, if anyone's got any thoughts, you're welcome. Sorry the post got so long.

doranc · Jun 10, 2007, 03:48 PM

P.S. He does say he feels oh so bad about me paying for everything, but does nothing about it.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 10, 2007, 03:59 PM

Well honestly no one should be going on expensive vacations if they are college students that can not afford to pay for it.

Trips and vactions should only be done within a persons budget,
Since you are graduating, one should be saving money for apartmetns, moving to where you are going to work and more.

But if you are boy friend and girl fiend and this is a serious relationship, he should be willing to pay. ( but he already said he could not afford it, saying that perhaps he needed to keep his money saved back.
You by asking him to pay, will be forcing him to spend money he did not want to spend.

Makiavelic76 · Jun 10, 2007, 04:38 PM

Ok, let me process your concerns:

Facts:
1) You already paid him one expensive trip
2) You already commit to pay the second one
3) He's full of classes on college, that he can't work yet.
4) He said he reject the allowance from his parents
5) You start to feel some resenting towards him for not helping

The point 1 and 2 are done, nothing to do about it, only it can be used for your inner thoughts to get to know your partner reciprocity skills. I'm not saying that he would have to pay you back, or give you the same $$$ value gifts once he has a job, since when you love to somebody what ever you gave it's just that, something you give for love. If you expect something in exchange for what you give, then don't give. If I gave my girlfriend a $2000 diamond ring, I don't expect from her to give me a $2000 jacket, even if her incomes are better than mine. But, what I would expect is she can remember my birthday or special occasions with what ever she would think is good to give me. Love shouldn't be an accountance balance.

For the point 3. How long are you 2 together? How much you know him for sure? if he's doing OK with his classes? Is he taking all the chances on his college career to finish it responsably?. And not saying that you confront him with this delicated issues, what I mean is once you know this answers, they can give you a clear view of what's important to his life. Live and grow or live from others. When I was on college, the 2 first years I just couldn't work because it was just too demanding my classes that I would lost some of them if I rather to choose work and study. But then the 3th or 4th year I could manage a part time job and then proyecting to stable job.

In the 4 point, just a thought, did ever consider the idea of his parents don't want to give him any allowance, maybe because they can't afford it? Then, he could be embarrassed about that. And yes, that's what happened to me :) If is not that chance, well, he's on a serious contradiction since he's too ashamed to accept his parents allowance but it's not with your money. That's would ring some bells about lack of consideration.

For the last point, when you get all the above clearer :) you would be in a better position to be resented of him. And no, its not wrong to ask someone to contribute with some project explaining how hard for you it is to manage this alone. If he reacts in a defensive way, telling you, I didn't ask for it or I told you I don't have money, well you should just pospone that trip and reconsider your relationship since you deserve a partner with a emphatic qualities as you.

It is nice to feel the compassion from other too.

doranc · Jun 10, 2007, 06:04 PM

Thanks for your input guys.

Fr_Chuck, you're right, I'm being irresponsible, but now that I can afford it, I like the grand gestures, especially for bdays and stuff. It's not like I'm expecting his money - I was kind of expecting the gesture of offering to participate.

And, Makiavelic, thanks for your insight.
We've been going out for a year, known each other for 2 or 3 maybe, have friends in common, went to the same university, see each other's families on a weekly basis. I know he's working hard at school, and I never insisted that he get a job while at school, that's why I offered to pay for the trip.

However, now this allowance thing has come up, and I think he's being selfish, trying to play all cool and independent with his parents, but not minding me spending money on him.

It's just that I'm a little bit perplexed, if my boyfriend offered to pay for a trip that I'd really like, and I knew he wasn't rich, I'd feel compelled to offer to participate in the expenses, however insignificant my monetary input might be. It's not so much about the money as it is about the gesture. Right?

talaniman · Jun 10, 2007, 09:25 PM

Since this is your idea, why should he not take the gift. Personally I have to question this grand gesture of yours, as being not to responsible with your money, and then to expect him to help? Naw, I think you should have worked out the expenses with him before hand, and if he couldn't pay (AGAIN) You should have not included him. Hope you learn a valuable lesson in spending money on broke men. They don't mind enjoying themselves on your dime, and may say thanks but that doesn't equate to cash does it.

Makiavelic76 · Jun 11, 2007, 12:20 AM

Originally Posted by doranc

It's just that I'm a little bit perplexed, if my bf offered to pay for a trip that I'd really like, and I knew he wasn't rich, I'd feel compelled to offer to participate in the expenses, however insignificant my monetary input might be. It's not so much about the money as it is about the gesture. Right?

Totally right with you doranc, that little difference is called: Different family and life values between both of you. You are taught to be a considered and respectful person, maybe he fail to assist that class.

Best wishes to both of you