[DeeDeeC]

I need some advice. Hopefully from a few men. I was in a 6 year relationship with a man starting when we were 20. Back then we started to grow apart even though we were just in love with one another. We worked for the same company and were a huge part of one another's life. After the break up we stayed in touch every now and then. Until I met someone and became pregnant. I told him myself that I was having a child and we really didn't contact one another for about two years. When I did send a "hi" email. He wouldn't always respond. Now it's years later and I have two children and divorced. When I was getting divorced I contacted him and we had an email thing going back and forth and cathing up. We met up and it was like no time had passed. I ended up going home with him that night and rushed out in the morning. I couldn't face him and he seemed like he didn't know what to say when he woke up and I was already dressed to leave. We exchanged a few emails and it would end... time and time again the email thing would happen. I haven't seen him in a year and it's hard that I just can't seem to let go of this man in my life. It truly prevents me from moving on. I was in touch with him about a month ago and out of no where I said... "can't be that i still hurt over you" he said he knows what I mean and he still thinks of me often and stuff. I asked why he doesn't keep in touch more and he said he wasn't sure. He think it's because he would want me more than he already does. So I wrote a whole long email saying I need you to give me or help me to get closure on this. It's been years and I'm still hurting. I want to be able to let it go. So please tell me whatever is in your life that would help me. Tell me your happy or getting marriee or having a baby. Tell me you will always love me but it's not love like it was back then.. (he is not married and I don not know if he is in a relationship at this time). Anyway, he did not respond to my request. In fact.. didn't respond at all. Why would he not want me to not hurt over him anymore. Is there anyone who can assist me on understanding this?

[answerme_tender]

Him not responding to your email pouring your emotions out to him is speaking volumes, its just you aren't listening!! You are still trying to confence yourself that reason he isn't jumping at the chance to be with your is because you hurt how many years ago.

Come on this man is WAY over that after all this time. He just isn't interested in having a full relationship with you, maybe with anyone at this time.

As for you emailing him and asking him to help you get closure, he is probably thinking your "What is wrong with her". NO offense, but to him you broke it off, and now you're the one who continues to contact him, even when he doesn't respond, he probably thinks you're a little desperate.

You need to get over the past, stop builing it into more then what it was. Stop romatizing what wasn't there. When we are so unhappy with our lifes or even lonely we start making more out of our past then it even was. We blind ourselves.

You need to get out with friends. Start doing different things to keep yourself occupied. Start taking some classes, join PTA, get involved with your church more, etc. Whatever you do stop contacting this guy, he isn't interested, and your just making yourself look like your begging him for attention.

We all deserve more, but first we need to learn to appreciate ourselves for who we are. You just need to get yourself confidence back. Take care

[DeeDeeC]

Thanks for your bluntness.. The problem is that I am not desperate. I have a full life full of friends and dating. This is a real heartfelt thing. This isn't a desperate woman trying to gain control of anyone or anything. And after meaning so much to him even over the years, you would think if someone you cared for so deeply needed you to tell them that it's understandable but to move on... why is that hard for him. I don't believe for one second that once you cared for someone and still maintained contact over the years that it's so easy to just say.. nope.. don't have it in me to help you. We are all people and all have emotions. I'm shocked to hear that a man could just be truly so cold. But again, thank you for your reply.

[MuscleGirl]

The key to making any relationship work, whether it be family, friends, work, or intimate, is constantly being aware of the needs of others. It sounds like the only needs he has ever been concerned with is himself. He's been making that very clear in his lack of response to your actions. It's obvious that you care for him because you keep contacting him and defending him in the previous response. Your response about caring about someone and not being able to help someone is true. However, his actions are clear that he did not care for you as much as he does for himself. If he did give you that closure, it would be a sign that he cared. He's not giving that to you. I know that it hurts to hear but you have to cut all ties with him if you want to be open to finding someone that will give you the love that you deserve.

[answerme_tender]

Im sorry to make you think I was implying that you are desperate. I am sure your not, but to HIM you are probably coming across that way.

Iam sure you do have full life, with friends and out dating. The problem is that you cannot get over this past boyfriend.

I still say that even though you are out dating, you cannot move forward, due to you dwelling over the past with this guy. You have convinced yourself that he was THE ONE WHO YOU REALLY had a connection with. Who understood you. Would always be there. Going through your divorce and that pain, you may have buildt this up just so you had something to fall back on for security.

It is unfortunant that he couldn't just be upfront and honest so you could put an end to this. I know its hard, been there done that.

[DeeDeeC]

I guess I'm just a different person. If someone needed that from me because they cared for me and needed to move on knowing my feelings.. I would give that to them. Even if I didn't care about that person in any real emotional way. Thank you :)

[CarrotTalker]

You are right DeeDeeC, you and him are different people.

He just isn't the type of person to understand that closure and might not even be capable of giving it to you.

One more reason to consider of why you need to work on providing that closure for yourself.

[Cat1864]

DeeDee, what about his needs? You are thinking about what you need to get closure, but what if to keep from being drawn back into your issues, he needs distance and No Contact?

From what you have said, you are making him responsible for you fully letting go and moving on. It isn't his responsibility to make you feel better about tossing out the emotional baggage you have been holding on to all these years. It is yours. Let him and the past go.

If he were the one writing in about an ex who contacted him asking for closure, most advice would be to not respond and to take care of himself.

Please take care of yourself. Take the emotional email as lost in the mail as it should be and let go. Find peace inside yourself. You will end up being happier with yourself than you would be if you relied on him for closure.

[talaniman]

Accept the fact that giving you what you want from him is no longer his priority, and leave him alone, and eventually you will ,move on all by yourself. Sometimes we don't get the closure we want, but do have to get on with life, and let go of the past.

His actions are telling you to get your own closure, and anything else you need yourself. I mean what's a guy got to do to make you leave him alone? Let him go. Get your own closure.

[vanheart]

Stop living in the past.

You guys broke up for whatever reasons and you both moved on. Geez, you married & had 2 kids.

Don't expect to start going back, rekindling exs now. Even if you tried & slept w/him. Big mistake.
Don't think that this was any sign of him wanting anything else. You need to take your own actions into consideration.

As you probably already know.

It didn't work then. Don't force it now.

Just be cool & be a mom. You don't need him. Stop fantasizing.

[Jake2008]

I think it is easy sometimes, when life knocks us down, we turn to friends (whether they be ex boyfriends or not) for comfort.

Maybe where the problem lies is, he is not being a good friend. But, sleeping with him crossed boundaries, and changed the friendship as it had existed, for a long time. It was no longer a friendship. There was an awkward blip in there, where lines were crossed in both expectations, and behaviour.

While you say you need closure from him, he doesn't need closure from you. He's made it painfully clear that he is not interested in either a friendship, or a relationship of any kind. He may have thought in the beginning that your expectations of him, were the same as he had of you, and when both of you came up with what you each needed from each other, there was no common ground.

Nothing can be built upon two people who have entirely different needs. Where he can define what he doesn't want (by the silence and withdrawal), you are unable to define that what you need, and further define and realize and accept that, you are not going to get it from him.

Closure really means acceptance. The end of something. It is disappointing and leaves you cold and confused when you expected the opposite, but clearly closure is not going to come from him.

It has to come from you. Find other ways to let him go. Write him a letter with all your thoughts and feelings, and conclude the letter with closing the chapter on him. Then, burn the letter, and begin a new chapter.

Where that new chapter will take you is anybody's guess, but, at least you will be on the road with a clear conscience and the knowledge that you are strong enough to know that the only person you can count on to steer your life, is you.