[badtzjm]

Threads merged

Hello I just need some advice on what to do! I feel like I've run out of options but I want my relationship between me and my boyfriend to work because were in love and we want to settle down together.

We have been dating for the last couple months. Everything at first was good and we fell in love quickly and it started going down when we got into the detailed questions. Everything he asks I answer with full honesty and it hurts him (side note: my past is even as crazy as other people!). He digs more and more as if I'm hiding things or the truth I tell him isn't what he wants to hear, its like he wants to hear the worst things ever, but my past isn't like that. I keep telling him it's the past and that it shouldn't bother him, that also people make the decisions and yes I do regret my decisions but I move on. He thinks I don't care cause when I ask the questions he asks because I accept it and move on. I tell him I do care but I am more focused on our present and for our future, but he keeps reverting to the past and says that he absolutely needs to know every detail...

We almost broke up the other night because he just can't let these things go. I've done some hiccups in the beginning of our relationship by hanging with one of my guy friends alone in my room and all we did was play video games and do homework. Also didn't tell one of the guys I have hooked up with once that I had a boyfriend but when he called again I told him and have not spoke to him since! I learn and do not repeat a mistake that he points out. I have NOT messed around with anyone since I had met him but it's so hard to convince him I'm not like those other girls. He keeps reverting back to his ex's that have hurt him in the past but I keep trying to reassure him I'm not them! I have cheated in the past 2 serious relationships because the first one never gave me attention and treated me like crap. The 2nd because I found out the whole time he had another girlfriend in his home town! I have no reason to cheat on my boyfriend now. I've been through and learned to be the stronger person. Our relationship is really good, we can have endless conversations, he has also met my family and they like him a lot. Please help me with what I should do or say to help him move passed this. I don't want to lose him.

PLEASE HELP!

[talaniman]

That's the problem. You want to keep him so bad you put up with his crap. I can bet he is a nice enough fellow when he wants to be, but he has you doing all the work in the relationship, while he does very little. He is an insecure boy who is afraid of being hurt, and is insecure and immature in regard to himself, and is taking it out on you.

For your own good tell him to grow up and get over himself and start treating you like the woman you deserve to be treated like, and if he can't get the freak away from you. When you allow this behavior from him, it demeans you greatly, and this is his problem, not yours. Let him solve it.

[natalie21red]

Sounds like he is major in secure. You need to tell him that if he doubts you or doesn't trust you then the relationship will not work he needs to realise his faults and try and work on them if the relationship means anything to him otherwise there will be endless arguments and quizzing and in the long run he will end up pushing you away. You have to be stright with him because its unfair what he is doing to you. Good luck

[badtzjm]

Hello again. I had posted previously about what I should do to help my boyfriend get passed his insecurity and today we had decided to start our relationship over. Were both overwhelmed and exhausted from all our fighting. It's pretty bad to the point the littlest thing is blown out of proportion. We don't want to take a break or even break up. We both love each other dearly and don't want anyone else to love but each other. So we decided to start over.

I just would like some insight and tips on what steps we should take in starting over. How should we view things how should we even begin?

I Had written something else but it's gone and now it says "threads merged" where did it go? Sorry I'm new to this

[talaniman]

Your threads were put together, that's what usually happens when you post again about the same subject so we all have the whole story together in one place.

I hope you try talking instead of arguing to solve your issues because if you cannot work together, what's the point?? If he can't change and learn to control himself and overcome his insecurity, you will have the same thing happening again.

Insecurity comes from fear, so ask him what is he so afraid of him.

[badtzjm]

He's afraid of me being unfaithful and that I don't see him the best in everything. I keep telling him I'm not one who just jumps into relationships, I usually take the time to decide if this is what I want and see a future with him. We don't want a break or a break up at that so we decided last night that we were going to start over. What are some steps and where should we begin in starting over as a couple again?

[talaniman]

Set some rules, and boundaries for what is acceptable behavior by you both. If he can't trust you, then he can't have you. He has to work on his insecurities and allow you some freedoms that don't end in arguments. If he can't do his part then what's the point? Maybe he was cheated on before, but what does that have to do with you? Why should you pay for his past if indeed he was cheated on. Ask him.

You get a better understanding if you communicate with each other, not relive past experiences.

[badtzjm]

Ok here's another situation that was brought up tonight. When we had added each other on Facebook we had mutual friends. He had asked me before how I knew one of them and I answered blantely that I went to A School (were both in the navy and A school is where you learn your rate). He had asked again tonight how I knew him and I explain A school and yes we hung out before I went on deployment and yes I had partied with him and yes I have crashed at the same party with him sleeping next to me both fully clothed. We crashed there so we wouldn't have the people who originally picked us up to go to their place to drink wouldn't be caught drinking and driving. Mind you this guy was my friend and to this day me and him have NOT done anything as low as kiss, EVER. I haven't actually seen him since 2009 but he happens to be on the same ship
As my boyfriend so he was curious. I guess someone that my boyfriend knows also knows my friend and my friend showed my bf's friend my Facebook the other day saying he liked me. Then again like I said I have not seen this guy since 2009 and ontop of that haven't really spoke to him. My boyfriend was upset that I had left that information out when he asked the first time. He thinks that men can't just sleep next to a girl
Without doing anything sexual. I've slept next to a couple other friends before but never did anything. So now he's upset about the left out information. Was I wrong for not telling him up front? In my mind it wasn't important, we were just friends and never did anything sexual in the past. To me I feel like I shouldn't be interrogated in such a degree. I feel like I should have some sort of privacy of my past and that everything shouldn't be so nit picked. I feel like if I did ever kiss him or even stooped down to even having sex that I would tell him, but that's not the case here. Ugh... I just don't know what to do...

[talaniman]

I am starting to see that maybe he is so insecure he may never let go of anything, and will always be looking for things that confirm his worst fears. That's something for you to really pay attention to, and nip in the bud, by not being subjected to being interrogated. If you know you have done nothing wrong, and he will never trust you, what does that leave? One hassle after another. Innocent omissions made into accusations, Molehills made into mountains.

[badtzjm]

Well how else will I not be subjected to being questioned everyday even though I am innocent? What do I do? How else does he overcome it? He has had a very bad past with ex's. Basically the worst of worst that people fear has happened to him in sense of cheating and such. I myself have been cheated on before but I put it aside and look at our relationship as anew. I can't get him to my level and it's leaving me hopeless. He tells me he wants to be with me and loves me greatly and would leave only if I was unfaithful. I know I'm safe in that area but everyday it's a hassle and sure yes I am faithful and hrs faithful but this insecurity is drawing us apart.

[CarrotTalker]

Would it be possible for him to seek the help of a professional in gaining better control over his questioning behavior?