[Tinkerbell2004]

My boyfriend && I have been together for a fairly short time, && this has been the best relationship I have ever been in. We are very open about everything. Recently he decided he wanted to join the marines && because of how some of my friends have changed while in the marines, && not for the better this scares me. We are a fairly new relationship && since he asked me to stick this out with him, && eventually move with him, I've been going through a lot of turmoil.

He didn't tell me about his choice right away, I found out about it from some of my friends after he posted it on his Facebook first. When we finally talked about this he told me he had been scared to bring it up because he knew my opinion on the subject. After constantly thinking about the entire thing I realized there is no way I want to lose him && I intend on supporting him with this && being there with him, even if it does mean moving down south.

I was just wondering if anyone can give me advice on how to handle this situation because I am still not feeling great about him joining. Also since I know he will be gone for long periods, how others handle it. We have trouble being apart for even a night, how am I supposed to handle six months or longer? I have always told myself I could never be a military girlfriend, but it looks like that's what's going to happen && I'm pretty sure I still have no idea what I am getting myself into.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

[inertia]

Having been in the Marines myself, I can tell you that it will certainly be difficult. Those long deployments have sent many otherwise faithful women into someone else's arms. How old are you two?

You say you haven't been dating long, how long have you been together? Why are you moving south? That's where he will go to boot camp for at least 13 weeks, but you will absolutely not see him the entire time (he will be in a squad bay with other Marines and every minute of their time is regulated.) I'm not being negative. You will literally not see him until a couple days before graduation. After that he goes to his MOS school. Depending on his job that could be anywhere in U.S. for any length of time. You cannot accompany him there either. The military will not support housing for spouses until he reaches his first duty station, which could be California, North Carolina or Japan (small details are scattered elsewhere, but most Marines are at one of the three previously stated locations).

Once he arrives to his unit he may or may not deploy for 6 months to a year. Even if he doesn't go overseas, he may still go on a float (boat for 6 months). If his unit is in rotation, he will probably deploy at least twice, more commonly 3 times in his four year stint (if he gets out). Now, best case scenario, he goes to a unit that doesn't deploy, but the odds are certainly against him.

Can it work.. yes. Between two stable, mature and honest people. Yes, it can. You had better make sure that your life is just as busy as his though. When I was in, the divorce rate in the Marine Corps was very high. It may be worse now.

Divorce rate increases in Marine Corps, Army - Military- msnbc.com


Upon his return home from the Middle East he may suffer from PTSD. Now, not all guys deploying come even close to combat and not all combat vets suffer PTSD, but again it's a serious possibility and one that you both need to consider very carefully.

I don't want to push you one way or another, but please just consider this final piece of advice. If you go for it and it becomes too much and you decide to leave him or cheat or any thing else. It could send him into a serious depression. If you break up with him now, he'll be trained through heartbreak (that's what I did, broke up with my college girl and THEN enlisted.)

Some marriages do succeed. I just want to scare the truth into you a bit. There are no training wheels for dealing with this and you both will be thrust into a very serious world. Just be as rational as you possibly can.

[inertia]

Just read a lot about it OK? Talk to your family and friends. Go talk to the recruiter. I'm serious, don't be intimidated. (He has to be nice, I promise).

[Tinkerbell2004]

The thing is he isn't doing the normal route on enlisting. He is doing the ROTC route, so going back to school for a while && then when he's done with that he will be going in as a 2nd lieutenant. He has talked to a recruiter && the only thing he will have to do is ten weeks training during the summer since he is now a junior in college && then he'll have to do 6 months after he graduates.

I have been doing a lot of reading on all this && talking to as many people as I can that know anything about the marines. He is 22 && I am only 20. We have been together for four months, && he told me that right before dating he considered enlisting then, but once he met me he decided to see if I was something that he really wanted in his life. So apparently now that he's figuring things out, he really wants to go this route && he really wants me to be on board with it all.

I know I can stay faithful to him && I know there is no way that I want to throw what we have away. Leaving him isn't a choice really, I know I would regret it later. I have handled some pretty rough things in my life && I think that if this is what he wants, I'll be right there with him && I'll have to support him through it all. Absolutely no way will I make him go through a depression, I'm pretty good at keeping myself occupied, so hopefully if I can just keep myself busy with school && a job, the time he's gone will just fly by.

[inertia]

Well, he's not enlisting he's trying to get a commission. In that case, yes he will go to OCS for 10 weeks then to TBS (The Basic School) for 6 months. He will still go to an MOS school after TBS. The rest of what I said still applies. Officer's wives weren't any better off in terms of hardship during deployments (and they certainly weren't any more faithful, Trust me).

I'm hoping everyone else can chime in now in regards to being together for 4 months and considering marriage. I feel like I have been the sole bearer of bad news here. I'll just say one thing. There is no way you know someone REALLY well after 4 months. I just don't want to see you two get hurt. There are plenty of success stories under similar or even more stressful conditions. There are also success stories for quick marriages. Just wow, hold on tight because your life is going to be a rollercoaster.

BTW, I'm harping on infidelity because it is a HUGE problem in the Marines. I'm not demonizing anyone. It's a tough existence for both parties. Unfortunately, what I saw while I was in has given me trust issues I carry to this day. When I was about to get out, my unit redeployed and I spent the last two months of my time in fending off friend's wives and girlfriends. Some were obvious, some completely caught me off guard. Not to mention the number of spouses that took their rings off and went out at night. One of the common things your boyfriend will here while he is in is "Jody (basically Jane Doe representing SO's) is getting some while your away". Where do you think "Dear John" letters originated?

[Tinkerbell2004]

We both know there is no way we are going to get married quickly && I'm hopeing that while he is still in school we will better get to know each other, because that means we have at least another year && a half. I'm not one to jump into things quickly, && at this point I guess I'll just have to sit && see where I stand. I've been in long term relationships, 4 years && another one for a year && a half && I pride myself in the ability to stay faithful, but I do know that whenever they went away it wasn't for nearly as long as he would be away.

I understand you feel like you are just bearing bad news, but it's all things I know I need to hear && need to think about. I appreciate your honesty.

[I wish]

Sounds like you really care about each other. Just give it a chance. Go with the flow and see how it goes. Enjoy the time that you do spend together.

Make sure you have a strong communication system between the two of you. Always talk things out. Don't leave anything hanging.

[Tinkerbell2004]

That has always been our thing, he has always been really big into talking about everything. If one of us has an issue he wants everything brought out into the open. This whole thing is all new to me. I come from a family where we don't talk about our emotions, we shut people out when there's an issue && we eventually learn to get over it or just work around it. I know that isn't always healthy, but after awhile it becomes second nature && it's what I'm most comfortable doing. But since I met him, it's been the most open && caring relationship ever. I'm definitely trying to enjoy the time, but everything around seems to remind me he's leaving && I start to break down back to square one.

[MarissaB27]

Hi Tinkerbell :)... My Boyfriend is now at USMC Officer Candidate School down in Quantico VA. We are both 23 years old and graduated from College, we have been dating for a year and a half and from the first week we knew we loved one another (so I think after 4 months you can usually tell.. but that's just me). Like you I have been in previous relationships but nothing compares to him. If you really love one another you will be fine, love knows no distance. My BF has been gone just about a month now and its been very hard, I'm horrible with goodbyes too but you get used to it, you kind of get into a rhythm without them. That doesn't mean you don't have your moments of breaking down, and that doesn't mean you don't miss them every minute of every day, but you just learn to cope. We write letters back and forth which helps me feel connected to him, and I know my letters help bring him up each night. If being a Marine is that important to him, then you have to learn to accept that if you Love him. It sounds like you're in the right state of mind, TRUST me I did not want him to become an Officer, but this is what he really wants, and so I must support him. I think its probably a good sign that you don't want him to go, if you did then there would be a problem. Like the previous post stated above, you just need to be honest and open with each other, and as long as you know you love one another being apart will be hard, but you can do it. I have yet to go through being apart while he is at The Basic School, and then his MOS, and all the other times he has to be away - So I can't really give you any input on that part but I just take it one day at a time. I know he is the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with, so there is no doubt in my mind I will wait for him through any amount of time. Just take it one day at a time... Plus you still have a while until he has to "go" anywhere, so enjoy your time and really enjoy your new relationship :). Semper Fi!

[Tinkerbell2004]

Thank you Marissa. So many people judge on how it sounds that we have only been together four months && we are in love. But really I can't help how I feel about him. I do want to spend the rest of my life with him && I have been talking to as many people as possible about everything && how relationships tend to work. I have heard so many bad stories on how military men are into their third && fourth marriages because their wives couldn't stay faithful && I realize that weights a lot on his mind, but I'm doing my best to ease that fear.

[ITstudent2006]

:)

[ITstudent2006]

We've made it past the first 2 obstacles... now for the deployment!