[JBeaucaire]

Yeah, LD can kill a new relationship, and usually it should. It's so hard to get all the compatibility issues worked out dealing face-to-face, LD it's pretty much impossible.

Geography is one of the BIGGIES in the compatibility game. A guy that doesn't even live close enough for you to actually date... I'm sorry to change my tune so suddenly, but it's not going to be worth the grief you're going to give each other.

If LD is unavoidable, I'd remove the exclusivity clause ALTOGETHER so you two can at least not be mad at each other when real life happens to each of you in your respective localities.

[daisydew]

I know this is an old thread, but I kind of wanted to update and start a new discussion.. I'm still with this boyfriend. We visit each other once a month. We talk every day on the phone, and things seem to be going well.
Now my problem is that I've found out way more about his past then I ever wanted to know. He's slept with quite a few people, some of whom are in acquaintances at my school. It's a really hard position for me to be in. And some days it makes me so angry that he slept with so many people he didn't even care about. I'm torn because I like him a lot, but some days I feel like I don't even want to talk to him because I'm disgusted by his past. I try not to bring it up because I don't want to make him feel bad, but I think about it all the time. Does this eventually get better? Do you have any suggestions for making it easier to deal with?

[talaniman]

How is the relationship progressing, as far as personally between you? Is there a lot of talk about his past?

One thing I can tell you about LDR's is it tends to bring insecurities to the front, and magnifies any you may have already.

Getting beyond it takes some work on your part, and expressing those feelings honestly may help to get some reassurance, and support, and understanding.

The worst thing you can do is act impulsively on those feelings, or let them get you carried away emotionally, as there is one thing to have those feelings, and quite another to let them affect your actions.

[JBeaucaire]

It gets better only if you successfully move to the next level, the level where you start putting the other person ahead of yourself. The more you think about his needs, the better you become as his mate. Hopefully he's doing the same thing.

During this process, your perspective on his past should improve, too. Seriously, you don't have things in your past someone could make a 'list' of and then present to you as reason you should be thought ill of? I think we all have that list.

Treat this man the way you'd want to BE treated. How would you defend against past sins presented to you as reasons to be disgusted? There's nothing... you're helpless. It's completely unfair. And you know that.

Keep doing the work.

[daisydew]

Our relationship is progressing well. We don't talk about his past very often. He does try to reassure me when it comes up though. I was hoping it would get better, but it just seems to be getting worse. I feel like I'm getting more and more worked up about it. I know there's nothing he can do about it. It's just a frustrating position to be in.

[JBeaucaire]

You're not in a frustrating position. You're dating a human. Humans do things, things you like and things you don't like. Things he did in the past that you don't like aren't frustrating, they're facts.

You're in a character-building position. Either you can fairly date this man in the here and now, or you can't. I hope you see that you're fueling this, he's done nothing to defend. I hope he doesn't try, I'm sure it will make you angrier.

In the end, if your incapable of dating the real guy, the guy he is today, then you know you have to walk away. But when you do, I do hope you don't put it on him, I hope you're able to be classy enough to honestly point the finger at yourself. Give him that at least. After all, he's here doing the work and you're the one thinking, 'Yeah, but I'm disgusted, anyway.'

Dating doesn't have to be this adversarial.

[talaniman]

Our relationship is progressing well.

How are you addressing your personal issues?

[daisydew]

As far as how I feel about his past? I see a therapist at school occasionally. She's asked me why I get so upset about it, and if there's something that triggers it. I think I get so upset about it because it makes me feel like he's more capable of cheating on me, and that it makes what we have less special. I think what triggers it is being around some of the girls who still go to school here.
He's actually been extremely understanding about it. I brought it up last night because I was feeling really down, and he stayed up until 3:30am talking to me. I always feel better after we talk about it, but eventually it's going to wear him down. I need to figure out a way to deal with it without talking to him.
I feel bad having these feelings because he really is good to me. My therapist said it's a really good sign that he's willing to talk to me about these deep issues, and not try to make me feel bad about having the feelings. We have very open communication, and I've been feeling really good about my trust issues.
I really don't want to mess this one up.

[daisydew]

Oh, and Jbeau, I definitely accept the fact that this is my issue. I don't try to blame it on him at all. I'm feeling good about it today because we talked about it last night, I'll just try to keep it going. I like how you called it a character building position. I like thinking about it that way. I need to step up and be fair about this, because he's been extremely patient.

[JBeaucaire]

I love what I'm hearing, here. Sounds like you're taking steps in the right mental direction. Forgiveness (even though he doesn't really need forgiving) is a healing step. Once you can forgive his past and really mean it, you can own your strong feelings for one another as the honest thing they probably are.

And it's the actions of today he should be judged firmly on. As long as you two both do that, and stay understanding about each other's differences (past and present), then the foundation to a lasting love is firming up.

Keep it up.

[talaniman]

I agree with JB, as your on a healthy path, just keep working. Sounds like you got a good one.

[hee]

Leave him man...

Cheater can never chnge...

U will get much better than him...

[susangpyp]

I don't think the question is about him, but about you. Can you trust him? Do you trust him? Do you want to spend your relationship twisting yourself in knots?

We don't have a crystal ball to say yes he is a cheater and always will be. Some people cheat and then realize it's a horrible thing to do or they just weren't very vested in their relationship. Others cheat time and time again... they are addicted to the thrills and terribly insecure so they need to keep attracting people. Which is he? Who knows?

But the thing is that you need to feel secure and if his past and his lying bothers you, then it's best to break it off. It's not about him, it's about you.

[daisydew]

Hi again everyone,
I've sorted things out with my boyfriend and I'm feeling really good about the whole relationship. Now my concern is that I'm becoming too dependent on the relationship. I think about him all the time, and I'm always worried that he's going to stop liking me or suddenly break up with me. I feel like I need constant approval. I tried to not become dependent, because when my last boyfriend broke up with me it took me over a year to feel better about myself. How do you keep yourself from becoming dependent on someone? I'm trying to keep hanging out with my friends, and keep involved in school. I've just been really worried about losing even though he hasn't given me any indication that he intends to leave. He's told me he's extremely happy.

[talaniman]

RELAX DD, just go with the flow, have fun, until something changes. The last thing you want to do is worry about something that hasn't happened. That's no fun.

The good news is, your fears, and previous experience, has you doing other things to balance your life.

I think that's great. Enjoy yourself.

>EDIT<
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ps-279909.html

Wow, have you come a long way. Congrats to you.

[daisydew]

So I was just reading in another thread about the honeymoon stage, and it got me to thinking about my own relationship. Do you think the honeymoon stage lasts longer or shorter in a long distance relationship? I see my boyfriend about once a month and it's always super exciting to be with him again. We talk about moving in together in a about a year a half, but would we be out of the honeymoon stage by then? We've been together about 9 months.

[kraussnumber2]

First of all I definitely think that it will last longer since you don't see each other very often. I would try to see him more often before you move in together... things could be drastically different. Maybe like 6 months or so before you want to move in together you could get an apartment close by or vice versa. That way you will see more of each other and see how things go. If you only see him once a month and don't increase that you will only see him a total of 26 times before you move in together. Most couples see each other way more then that before they make that kind of a step. Try just moving closer for awhile... or at least see each other more often because things are different after the honeymoon stage and they might not be good! On the other hand they could still be great... I definitely would not enter into a lease or loan or anything with him until you see each other several times a week! Otherwise you are setting yourself up for disaster both emotionally and financially. Good luck and I hope that things work out... that stage is so much fun! Enjoy it!