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biggs58 · Oct 19, 2008, 09:00 PM

So I've read a lot of different threads on here to see if I can get some insite onto my own problem. One thread in particular caught my attention. I don't want to and don't think I am an over-bearing person. I recently broke up with my girlfriend. And she was always around guys. There was a group of guys who she was with whenever she wasn't in classes or whatever and they were pretty fun. But then there were all these other side-guys you can call them. They didn't go to school with her or whatever and she was always talking to or with them. And some of them happened to have a thing for her. So when I told her that I was cool with her big group of guy friends, but not these other guys she flipped out and said I was trying to control her and that I am wrong and that I should trust her. So happens she left me because she had a thing for one of these side guys that she developed when we were about 6 months in. I know its jealousy. But I was cheated on in the past, but having guy friends is cool but not the random guys who are around. Am I wrong for asking her to stop hanging out with these random guys? Is it a presonal issue and its fine? I believe that if she was with these guys then she would start to see them as potential bfs and that would take her interest away from me. I just want to know these things for the next girl that is in my life so I can be more prepared.

duck22 · Oct 20, 2008, 06:39 AM

After reading your post my first impression is that you may be a possessive guy. You are not in a position to tell her what she can or can not do. She is her own person and can do what she wants. You probably think you are doing this for her own good but in the end you are really only thinking about yourself. Anyway what it comes down to is trust. Trust is the keystone to all relationships and if you don't have that anymore then it's a lost cause.

kctiger · Oct 20, 2008, 07:49 AM

You have to deal with this issue yourself and cannot put it on other people. If your relationship is strong enough then none of these guys will break it. Duck said it best, if you don't have trust in a relationship, then it is doomed to fail. Deal with the issues you have and do not put them on her as it is not fair.

JBeaucaire · Oct 20, 2008, 09:04 AM

Let me add something here. There is a possibility here that your jealousy stemmed from your own knowledge of her commitment to you being not very strong.

There is the hope in a guy that is dating a girl the he will become her world, and when he realizes it isn't happening, he panics. The jealousy gives you cause to try to get her to stop hanging out with others because you KNOW what's going to happen.

Here's the rub. When she DOES finally go with one of those boys you feared she would, you think you were right to be jealous and to try to stop it. That's not true at all.

I hope this is clear, I ramble sometimes. But if a girl is GOING to cheat on you, or break up and date others, then it's going to happen. You MIGHT be able to delay it by acting in these jealous ways, but you will never stop a girl from straying who isn't as in to you as you wish she were. Do you understand?

If you were to be dating another girl, the way she treats YOU and the way she makes YOU feel might be completely different than this girl. The other girl might have exactly the kind of interest in you that allows you to relax and never worry about anyone she ever hangs out with, because you DO trust her. And you won't even know why it's different, it just will be.

You'll have to trust that this girl is out there waiting for you to casually stumble into her life and notice her. Before that happens, you'll have to stop worrying about this past girl.

So, get your healing done. Don't worry too much right now about the jealousy you felt during. As I said, it may have been you just knowing what was coming. Let your future come.

talaniman · Oct 20, 2008, 09:20 AM

So when I told her that I was cool with her big group of guy friends, but not these other guys she flipped out and said I was trying to control her and that I am wrong and that I should trust her.

You don't sound possessive, or jealous, and maybe that gut feeling is correct. Your supposed to express your feelings honestly to your partner. Her reaction is very telling and you may have dodged a bullet later.

Just me, no way would I be that trusting, as she wants you to be.

As JB says heal, and get someone who doesn't inspire the kind of feelings she does.