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Should I just stop caring...?
Asked Jan 27, 2012, 05:06 AM
Hey guys, I'm quite new to all of this and not sure If I'll even get an answer but I don't really know where to turn. Here it goes.
I'm 19 and she's 17 going into year 12. We met each other from our mothers and became really good friends. We hung out nearly every night for weeks and eventually one night when she broke up with her ex and that night we both broke the touch barrier and kissed. She stopped and said that we can't because of our mums being friends, if anything happened to us we'd corrupt their friendship.
So we both left it. I was hoping for a second chance and its been about 4 months later and we've been still hanging out every night. She had just recently came back from a 3 week vacation. I eventually couldn't take it, I told her that I liked her and she never seemed to care. I came over to her house and I asked for her honest opinion of me and why we couldn't go out.
She said: because of our mothers, because she didn't want to fall in love with me, because she would think I'd regret it, because she will rip me apart, because her mum said no, because she just wants to be friends because its a 'perfect' friendship, and because she wants to do the right thing.
She said that all of her previous boyfriends have ****** her over and made her life worse. Telling her that she's a horrible person and given her bad reputation.
My emotions took over and I kept asking why not give me a chance? She kept refusing and said no. I said that her reasons didn't make sense. I asked if she felt anything when we kissed, she said no and that it was a mistake. I asked her if she ever thought about us, she said 'yes' she did think about it, and 'yes' we'd make a good couple but she doesn't want to. I eventually gave up and went home after saying we'll still be friends.
About 4 hours later she calls me up asking if I wanted to hang out, and I said yes. So we did. We haven't spoken about it and I'm still shaken from it... And I don't know what to do...
What do you guys suggest? Should I just stop seeing her? Is she really over me? Did she have anything to begin with? Is there a chance that I can still be with her? How can I get over her?
I love this girl. And I want to be there for her. But I don't want to be left hopeless. What do I do?
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Jan 27, 2012, 07:28 AM
Well, Meatbag, I'm going to suggest that you 1) give it time, and 2) don't stop dating other people. It's hard to tell whether she's confused or seriously has an issue with your mothers' being friends. I'd guess it's both. But she's not really making herself available to you, is she?
Only you can decide whether being her fall-back position--the man she calls when she has a problem or just wants to hang out with no strings attached--is enough for you. Perhaps if you take a step back and put a little distance between you, you might get a better view of the situation.
You sound like a lovely man, and I wish you well. If she's not the one, you will make some other woman very happy.
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Jan 27, 2012, 07:54 AM
I agree with what Schoolmarm said. She touched on most of the points I would make.
There is one I am going to add: She needs time and space to get over her past relationship. You were doing a lot of 'hanging out' together even before she broke up with him. She has essentially slid from being in an official relationship with him to being in an unofficial relationship with you. She hasn't taken time to let go and heal. She hasn't dealt with the pain that even the most friendly of breakups has. She hasn't given herself time to be alone and to know that she is her own best emotional support. She also needs to get out and do things with other friends than you.
Back off and give her space and time. Don't be there every time she calls. If you were her friend and wanting nothing else, it would be different. However, you need to live your own life and not live hers. I would even go so far as to stay away from her for awhile until she knows what she wants and you can handle your feelings.
Has anyone asked the mothers what they think? If you are hanging out as much as it sounds like, I am certain at least one parent is wondering what is going on.
I can't tell you what the future holds. I can tell you that she will be creating or repeating a pattern if she doesn't allow herself to stand on her own two feet.
What do you do besides hang out with her? Do you work, go to school, have any hobbies, etc.?
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Jan 27, 2012, 04:18 PM
Thanks for answering guys (:
Schoolmarm97: We hang out 'alot' and its mainly because we live less then 200m away, so I think she feels as if I'm available all the time and I made myself available for her. And its hard to just leave her alone :S. She is also trying to get over her relationship with a boy who she said she 'fell in love with' about 3 years before, they broke up because they 'loved each other too much'. She admits they will never be back together because the boy has easily moved on and said that he 'never loved her'. I'm not sure what to think or say, she still loves a boy who doesn't even love her back? I think this has impacted on her way of seeing how fun a relationship can be. After the first boyfriend she has gone out with a few other boys and all have ended up hating her. I think shes picked some of the wrong guys, I even met one of them and he was a sleaze.
Cat1864: Yeah, thats the action im trying to take
I feel a bit mean in a way though. Its practically like ignoring her :S
Yes, my mother knows a lot about this situation. She said it would have been fine, but 'her' mother on the other hand understands about her past relationships and probably doesn't trust her. Her mother likes me, but I think she only cares about their friendship.
I have a job, annoyingly recently I've been given much less shifts... and I told her about it haha so I cant use that excuse. I don't go to uni, but I usually stay at home and draw/paint/animate write short stories.
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Senior Family & People Expert
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Jan 28, 2012, 07:28 AM
For now being less available by being busy doing your own thing without her. She isn't ready for what you want, nor is she willing and thats understandable, so forget the romance, period. She is in healing mode, and you have to leave her be to do so, and unfortunately, when a person does heal, they tend do explore their own options and opportunities, and just be grateful for the friend that helped them get thru it.
Romance later is NOT likely, but she does need a friend, BUT not YOU all the time. So deal with the rejection, and don't always be her "doctor", or emotional tampon, and know for sure, this is to complicated to expect anything but friends.
Sorry guy, if you can handle that, then take some time until you can. She understands hurt, even though she may be selfish and to needy of her own hurt at this time. You both will heal, and be able to move on in time.
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