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Should I break up with a depressed man who is pushing me away?
Here's the story. He is 46, twice divorced, the last time b/c his ex-wife of 5 years cheated on him. I was the first girl he dated after the divorce (a year after.) We lasted 8 months, then he broke up with me saying he wasn't sure if it was me or him or us. He felt scared, said he wasn't ready for a serious committed relationship, and that he was un-passionate. We only spoke a few times in the following 6 months. Then, out of the blue, he called me 4 months ago and wanted to get back together. Right away, I was not having it. I told him that although I love him, I want a serious committed relationship and that I do not just want to date. He agreed. He said he was ready. He said he had changed.
Around the same time, he had to start a heart medication, and one of the side effects is depression. He gradually over the past month has become distant and withdrawn. Then, last week, out of the blue, he told me that he feels depressed and doesn't have the interest in the relationship that he did when we got back together. He thinks he is depressed and said he needs "time and space" (he asked for a week) to figure things out. Then we are supposed to talk again. He also said he feels unable to give to me in the relationship and wonders why I am not disappointed in him. He and i both know that he is somewhat emotionally unavailable (b/c of his past relationships.) He is not sure what he is going through. He doesn't know if it's "just the past" or if it is the depression. He said he didn't want to break up. Just needs "a week" to himself to think about things.
In the meantime, I looked up the heart medicine, and it is notorious for causing depression.
Currently, I am on day 5 of the time -and -space -week. I am very miserable obviously, b/c I love him and want to be there for him and want to talk to him. And I really really want to share with him the info I found out about the medication. I am going to strongly urge him to get a different heart medication.
My question is... Am I wrong to believe there are two issues here that are intertwined? Am I wrong to want him to stop the medication before we make a major decision about us? He is willing to go to counseling for the emotional stuff, but isn't it all futile if he's on the medicine? I feel that if he makes the decision to break up now while he is depressed, then that is giving up. How can I be there for him through his depression without frightening him off? Does he NEED to be without me in order to heal? Or should I be there for him (which is what I want to do.) I feel that no relationship is perfect... we have to work through things together and try to come out stronger. I love him. I want what is best for him. I want him to get help whether or not we end up together. How much time is too much time? Should I be offended if he takes more than a week?
You are doing what you feel is right. You are trying to help him. If you just walked away and something was to happen you would feel bad. This way you will know you tried. You can only do the best you can with what you have working for you at the moment. If he refuses your help or your suggestions, then it becomes a different story.
To be honest, a man this age who has suffered with depression on and off is not going to be cured over night. Some counselling might help, and a different medication might help. But it’s still going to be tough, he is a sick man.
If you decide you can’t cope, no one should blame you. No one should be forced to stay with anyone out of some kind of duty. You will only succeed in making you both ill if you do. Others have no doubt tried to help him in the past - where are they now? People give up for a reason, a very good reason - because they come to the realisation that the person leaning on and depending on them is doing nothing to help themselves.
Here's the story. He is 46, twice divorced, the last time b/c his ex-wife of 5 years cheated on him. I was the first girl he dated after the divorce (a year after.) We lasted 8 months, then he broke up with me saying he wasn't sure if it was me or him or us. He felt scared, said he wasn't ready for a serious committed relationship, and that he was un-passionate. We only spoke a few times in the following 6 months. Then, out of the blue, he called me 4 months ago and wanted to get back together. Right away, I was not having it. I told him that although I love him, I want a serious committed relationship and that I do not just want to date. He agreed. He said he was ready. He said he had changed.
Around the same time, he had to start a heart medication, and one of the side effects is depression. He gradually over the past month has become distant and withdrawn. Then, last week, out of the blue, he told me that he feels depressed and doesn't have the interest in the relationship that he did when we got back together. He thinks he is depressed and said he needs "time and space" (he asked for a week) to figure things out. Then we are supposed to talk again. He also said he feels unable to give to me in the relationship and wonders why I am not disappointed in him. He and i both know that he is somewhat emotionally unavailable (b/c of his past relationships.) He is not sure what he is going through. He doesn't know if it's "just the past" or if it is the depression. He said he didn't want to break up. Just needs "a week" to himself to think about things.
In the meantime, I looked up the heart medicine, and it is notorious for causing depression.
Currently, I am on day 5 of the time -and -space -week. I am very miserable obviously, b/c I love him and want to be there for him and want to talk to him. And I really really want to share with him the info I found out about the medication. I am going to strongly urge him to get a different heart medication.
My question is... Am I wrong to believe there are two issues here that are intertwined? Am I wrong to want him to stop the medication before we make a major decision about us? He is willing to go to counseling for the emotional stuff, but isn't it all futile if he's on the medicine? I feel that if he makes the decision to break up now while he is depressed, then that is giving up. How can I be there for him through his depression without frightening him off? Does he NEED to be without me in order to heal? Or should I be there for him (which is what I want to do.) I feel that no relationship is perfect... we have to work through things together and try to come out stronger. I love him. I want what is best for him. I want him to get help whether or not we end up together. How much time is too much time? Should I be offended if he takes more than a week?
Thank you, Bluerose. I appreciate your advice. Today was really hard. I want to talk to him very much. I understand giving someone time and space, but I don't feel comfortable not communicating with him for a week. I need to have my needs met, too, and I need to hear his voice and know how he's doing.
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