Back story: GF and I have been together for around 7 years. Technically she cheated on her current boyfriend when her and I got together. Around 3 years in we took a 6 month break since things were just not working well and she wanted to see other people. We eventually found each other again and things could not have been better.

At the 4.5 year mark she cheated on me. It started with sex and the "relationship" continued for about a month until I found out. I accepted that she made a mistake and we agreed to go to counseling. I took this pretty hard for a while. Counseling lasted a few months and it seemed like she had completely changed and things were back to being better than ever. Although I always had the thought in my mind wondering if she would do it again, each time eventually convincing myself that nope, she really has changed.

There have been some major changes in out lives but we currently live together and things are ok. We both love each other but there are definitely good times and bad. We have been in a down trend for the last few months due to school (major time draw) and both working (another major time draw).

Recently I found out that she has some serious feelings for a friend of hers. To the extent that she has thought about leaving me, and the effects it would have on our family, friends, relationship, etc. She has only known this friend for about a month or so. Nothing has happened between them at all, just her feelings at this point.

After I found out, we had a talk and many things were discussed but basically she admitted that she thinks she has infidelity issues and she can not guarantee that she would not cheat in the future. She can not seem to rationalize why she seeks out other relationships or guys and thinks this would happen with anyone she is with based on her past infidelity in every relationship she has been in.

I am trying to determine if I should make an effort to go to counseling with her. I have been hurt before and I am not really willing to wait until it (cheating) happens again. Seven years is a long time and overall I really do love her and we get along better than anyone when times are good but infidelity is something I can not seem to get over. A deal-breaker you might say. Especially if she thinks it could easily happen again.

Can someone really change, is this worth it for me, I wish this was easy.

Fr_Chuck

School and working can very hard, and often people do find thierself drawn toward someone else, saying no and not doing it is an important thing. I would say get back to couseling, and perhaps figure on some regular couselfing over time on a regular basis

kolenovic

if she cheated on you before and before she will do it again and again leave her before she leaves you hanging by a rope best thing is move on and find someone that will love you and not everyone else best wishes on any decision you make but remember mine is the right one

bigbird213

She seems to be very honest about the situation. Have you talked to her about counseling again? Does she feel it will work? At least you know you two can talk about it, so that may be your best bet. Tell her how you feel, she must understand. Maybe you two together can decide whats best...

unsuretoday

We are considering counseling but not for another month or so because of certain things in our life. We are able to communicate really well so that is definitely helping our situation.

At this point I do not know how much she wants "us" to work. This is all fairly new so we are trying to figure it out.

In addition, I am struggling with trying to decide if I should just throw in the towel, not worry about it working out and start off new. Although it would be helpful to know how and why this happened so either it fixes what we have or so that I can avoid it in the future.

The other issue we both have is the marriage pressure. Neither of us really wants to get married right now but having been with someone for 7 years, everyone starts asking "so when are you two getting married?". It almost seems as a relief if we were to break up and not have all of out family and friends asking us the same question.

bigbird213

First off, I don't think you should allow anyone to pressure you into a decision....

Who cares how long you've been together if neither of you are ready for it. It would be a different story if she wanted it and you didn't....

I say, stick with what works, talk with her about it. Tell her that you are contemplating throwing in the towel...that you dont know if you can stick by her if she can't stick by you...

talaniman

If you haven't made up your minds about each other, after 7 years, you never will. Sounds like a relationship of convenience to me, with no purpose but to allow some comfort, and a roof over your heads. There is no commitment on either side, so what keeps this together? Comfort.

unsuretoday

But it's not that we have not made up our mind about each other. It's just the whole get married to get married thing. There has definitely been times in our relationship when we both thought this will last forever and times when things were not so great. But every long-term relationship has down times right?

I think both of us have always thought what is the big deal to get married, what's everyone's rush. If two people love each other, marriage does not change that. It just shows others you are committed and gives you some tax breaks but in the end you are still the same two people with some common goal. Most of our friends and family almost considered us married anyway (since the writing is on the wall). If things do not work out, this will be a pretty big shock to everyone.

We continue to talk through our issues right now. I am mainly on this forum to try and see our relationship/situation from someone else's point of view. I am trying not to make any rash decisions.

talaniman

This is a dealbreaker, even for the most commited marriage.

chuff

I agree with Tal. This sounds like a relationship of convience that dragged out for years as opposed to a relationship between two people committed to one another. I'm sorry to say this, but wasn't your first clue she's not trustworthy when she cheated with you on someone else? Then she cheated on you and told you which I will give her credit for honesty, but it also seems like she enjoys telling you because she can make you do whatever she wants. You know she's a cheater, she says she might do it again and yet you still stay, so for her this is a win/win situation. She keeps you around as a back up and when the time is right she drops you. Then she can honestly say, "I warned you ahead of time, and you didn't listen, this is your fault - not mine."