She makes me feel insecure

DoulaLC · Aug 21, 2010, 05:22 AM

Is this someone you having been with for awhile or is this a new relationship?

Either way, you can tell her how her flirting and comments make you feel. It is likely part of her personality, but if she cares about your feelings, she can ease up on it a bit and you can try to not read more into it.

Hopefully, the longer you are with her and see that there is nothing to be concerned about, you will feel more secure and it won't bother you, at least not as much.

If things don't change after you speak with her, you will have to decide if it is a relationship you want to continue in as it is.

Added: ok, just read the second part. She obviously knows you don't like it, and isn't going to try and change anything, so don't put yourself through it if you don't like how she is. Stop going back to her and find someone who doesn't cause you to feel this way.
Maybe you are insecure....many people are to some extent, but her actions certainly don't help. You'll have to decide if the relationship is worth it or not.

talaniman · Aug 21, 2010, 05:41 AM

Yes, you are insecure, and she was probably flirty with guys before you got with her. But if you knew that, and expect her to change her ways for you forget it. Maybe you can't handle flirty females so that means you are with the wrong female. You tried once, it didn't work, and doesn't sound like its working for you now.

Devorameira · Aug 21, 2010, 05:46 AM

You need to just move on without her.

I imagine that flirtiness is a part of her personality and with you obviously already being an insecure person, I'd say she's just not right for you.

lickemlolly · Aug 21, 2010, 07:51 AM

Either deal with it or move on..you cannot ever change a person to be what you want them to be..a person will only change when they want to or see fit..

aaii · Aug 22, 2010, 04:41 AM

Another approach you could take is to pretend to not be bothered by it. Joke and be cheeky about it -- when she does it go "ohh that guy over there says he's feeling lonely and wants a kiss too" smile and give a little wink. It'll show confidence and security. Flirtly girls LOVE people who are confident about themselves. You sound like the insecure type but you can train yourself to become more secure.

DoulaLC · Aug 22, 2010, 05:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aaii

Another approach you could take is to pretend to not be bothered by it. Joke and be cheeky about it -- when she does it go "ohh that guy over there says he's feeling lonely and wants a kiss too" smile and give a little wink. It'll show confidence and security. Flirtly girls LOVE people who are confident about themselves. You sound like the insecure type but you can train yourself to become more secure.

That's a good point. Made me think of another possible twist. Perhaps she is just fishing for reassurance herself....she may not even realize it.

By getting a reaction out of you when she flirts with or comments on other guys, you let her know that you are jealous by how you respond. It feeds into her ego and also gives her the assurance that you care.

Go ahead and try what aaii suggested. Play along with her, even beat her to making a comment...."Hey, take a look at that guy, there's a hot one for you". Or, turn it around and comment once in awhile on a pretty girl that walks by...."Would you look at the legs on her!". See what her reaction is. She may catch on and begin to realize how it has all been making you feel and ease up. She may not.

Might also be she isn't really into having a serious relationship with you if she is kissing on other guys and behaving in a way that she knows bothers you. So you will have to determine just how serious is the relationship you have going with her, on both of your parts.

If nothing changes, save yourself a great deal of frustration and heartache, and find someone who is more your personality type.

JudyKayTee · Aug 22, 2010, 11:27 AM

Doulalc, I can't BELIEVE I (for the very first time) don't agree with you.

I don't believe in playing games, including attempts to make the other person jealous. I believe if you are dating a person you have the right (when you've had enough) to say right straight out, "This upsets me, I don't like it, you are embarrassing me, please stop 'it.'" If the behavior continues, you walk away.

I see the OP, who appears some insecure, saying, "Wow, look at that" and the girlfriend taking that as permission for HER to get even more outrageous. I wouldn't do it.

I dated a pro football player for a while. Women came over all the time, asked for autographs, flirted, asked for a kiss - never ONCE did he ever make me feel insecure, uncomfortable, embarrassed. He looked them straight in the eye and said, "I'm sorry, but I'm with my girlfriend." I never had to address it because he took care of things first. Agreed that this is a different situation but would I have said, "I've had enough"? Certainly.

aaii · Aug 22, 2010, 11:44 AM

JudyKayTee, it's not a matter of playing games, it's to do with a way of fighting his own insecurities. By being cheeky but nice about it will show confidence and (hopefully) will train him to become more confident in himself. Let's face it, what's there to lose?

And let's remember this is all done in a jokey, friendly, flirty kind of way and not full face blanked out, serious "oh look at that girl's legs" -- I fully agree with you this isn't the right approach, but that's not what we are suggesting. Instead, it should be light, fun little cheeky comments or, as its known better, banter.

I suspect this is one of those things that a girl takes a very different view on it. I can't imagine a girl, from a third party perspective such as yours, responding well to either mine or DoulaLC's comment because it's taking power away from the girl -- letting them know you don't depend on their actions and making that known to them. It's about being the man in the relationship and not being insecure over every little flirty kiss, and showing it through mine and DoulaLC techniques.

How can she condone these actions, yet can't take a little back with cheeky comments? That would be a sign of her own insecurities.

DoulaLC · Aug 22, 2010, 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Doulalc, I can't BELIEVE I (for the very first time) don't agree with you.

I don't believe in playing games, including attempt to make the other person jealous. I believe if you are dating a person you have the right (when you've had enough) to say right straight out, "This upsets me, I don't like it, you are embarrassing me, please stop 'it.'" If the behavior continues, you walk away.

I see the OP, who appears some insecure, saying, "Wow, look at that" and the girlfriend taking that as permission for HER to get even more outrageous. I wouldn't do it.

I dated a pro football player for a while. Women came over all the time, asked for autographs, flirted, asked for a kiss - never ONCE did he ever make me feel insecure, uncomfortable, embarrassed. He looked them straight in the eye and said, "I'm sorry, but I'm with my girlfriend." I never had to address it because he took care of things first. Agreed that this is a different situation but would I have said, "I've had enough"? Certainly.

LOL....I knew someone would pick up on that....

I guess I didn't word it very well. Not wanting him to play games or make her jealous perse, but giving her the opportunity to see what he is talking about. I get the feeling she would take notice and start to realise why he has felt the way he has. Walk a mile in my shoes, so to speak. Certainly she may not be bothered at all by it.

Also, the possibility that he may come to see that it is just part of who she is, that she means nothing by it, and he can become more comfortable with it. They can sort of joke about it. He may start to feel more confident that she is with him and not looking to be with someone else.

Just a thought since he appears to want to stay with her, but not feel the way that he has. She may or may not tone it done, so if she doesn't, then he will have to be the one to try and make some changes if he wants to continue the relationship.

My first response is to tell her right out how it makes him feel and if she doesn't respect that, and he either doesn't want to, or is unable to, change how he feels about it, then he moves on....allowing himself to be free to meet someone who will be more suitable.

She makes me feel insecure

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