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Hi - i`m new to this site. I saw some really sound advice on other topics so i thought i`d see if anyone has some good advice for me on my problem. I have been seeing my girlfriend for 13months. We have sort of split up but things are still up in the air and i`m not sure what to do for the best. My partner has been married twice and this has really screwed her head up - I have never been married. We are both 34, and she was first married at 18 and divorced by 20, second marriage at 25 divorced at 27. She says she loves me and everything is great when we are together, but when apart she is troubled and not sure what she wants out of life.
She doesnt know if she will ever be able to do the full committed relationship/living together/marriage thing again after being let down twice before, and she is really winding herself up over this. Not because I have said I want it now or have put any pressure on her, rather she just says she sees me wanting it in the future and then I will let her down by finding someone else.
There have been other major let-downs in her life recently by so-called close friends and even her sister. I have re-assured her as well as I can that I love her and wont let her down, but it is almost as if her faith in relationships of any form is shattered and she just sees life on her own as being easier. We went throught this before after about 8months together and she relaxed and has been great ever since. It seems to have ignited again over Xmas.
I dont know what to do as i love her deeply and really do think she is the one for me. My heart says give her as much time as she wants, but my head says this is the second time in 6mths this has come out and she may never deal with this so her insecurites are constantly going to be a problem between us.
blocs, the holidays are a very difficult for many, many people. Even if their life is full and happy, they get very sad thinking about the past, people, events,.... It is a normal time for people to get nostalgic and even though it is a "Merry" time of the year, quite a lot of people feel anything but. Also, I don't know where you live, but a lot of people are affected by the change in climate and light. I know you have heard of the winter blues or blahs. I get a bit down this time of year myself because the lack of sunlight affects me.
You sound like you are trying to do everything you can for your girlfriend. You are a good and caring person. But, there are times in our lives that we have to accept that we can only do so much. I suggest you gently coax her into going for counseling/therapy. She has a lot of issues to work out and needs the help of a caring objective person who knows how to help people work out their issues. You are her boyfriend and no matter how hard you try or what you say, she is going to continue on this path until she seeks out someone who can help her assess her life and helps her with the steps to make the necessary adjustments to make her happy. Just remember, people have to want to help themselves before we can help them.
I ditto Ruby's sentiments. There is only false shame in seeking out a counselor. I just came off a year of it myself having been profoundly affected by how dysfunctional the people at my work of twelve years had become. Having been to see them quite a few times over my adult years, I don't hesitate now that I know how much suffering I can do without help and how much better it is to get through something with support that helps heal so I don't carry it forward in my life either (which it sounds like she is -- not good).
I am appalled at how much we are willing to fix other things and aspects of our lives but when it comes to a hurting spirit, we try to lump it through alone with such poor results. She is worth more than that. Lovers don't make good therapists so please encourage her to do this -- she'll be glad she did. If she needs some guidelines on how to find a good one, you only need ask me-- I'll be happy to help there.
The advice you have gotten is great, and as much as we would like to, we cannot help those we love sometimes. She has a lot of baggage and needs help to sort thru it.
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