Serious problems - should I put up with her partying/drinking?

Craig80 · #1 Dec 27, 2007, 03:08 PM

Hey,

It feels kinda weird to come here for help and advice but you guys are my last hope.
I've already tried talking to my family and some friends but whatever answers and advice they've given me have been partial and I feel that I need you guys perspectives and views of it all.

Me (20 yrs old) and my girlfriend (18 yrs old) has been a couple for almost 8 months now and the first 6 months were almost perfect, I had been waiting to meet someone like her for a long time and I was really happy. I'm doing everything for her, I'm always the one calling, I'm the one taking the initiative to meet, I feel like I'm the one investing everything in our relationship, she just takes me for granted and goes along with the ride - having me whenever she wants but still studying last year and meeting friends etc. She's got nothing to lose if this ends, except for me.. if she even cares for me anymore..

Now I have a real serious problem here - we argue often about her partying, I'll try to make this short and easy to understand.

She told me in the beginning of our relationship that her past relationship ended 2 years ago because she cheated with another guy on a party.

The truth is she got so drunk she got "crazy" and slept with someone. Now this hurt me like hell to hear about (and still kills me btw..) but who am I to judge her for something that is of the past.

Anyway, this made me act in such a way that whenever she wanted to go out during the first months of our relationship I got sad, jealous and very very very worried that she would do the same thing to me - this made her take the decision to stay away from partying and getting drunk just because she loved me and didn't want to see me hurt.

Now the problem has escalated - She came clean to me 2 months ago saying that "I can't stand this anymore - I DO love getting drunk and yes, partying to me is getting very drunk, I'm not having fun otherwise, and I won't let your worrying stop me from going out, having fun and yes, even getting so drunk I can barely stand on my feet, cause it shouldn't bother you."

Now that stuff really hurt me - I mean.. when I know what she has done before, how can I ever trust her that she wont do it again?

The conditions are exactly the same - she parties every 1-3 weeks out of 4 and she loves to drink loads and go crazy.

I CAN have fun without drinking loads and I feel that my future girlfriend that I try to build a relationship with should AT LEAST have the decency and respect that she stays away doing the exact same thing she did last time she cheated, this is killing me, lately I have barely even been able to enjoy our relationship cause I'm worried SICK that it will happen again. It's like Russian roulette, 6 times out of 7 it's OK but what about that seventh time..? Whatever she tells me I know she's surrounded by guys in parties and on dance floors and to me, drinking so much that you can barely speak and almost passes out NEVER is healthy and can (and probably will sooner or later) lead to actions that aren't controllable and that will be regretted later on. (cheating etc.. maybe even getting physically hurt)

Some friends tell me to talk to her, some tell me to break up with her because it's a no-no and I WILL get hurt, what do you say?

All I can say is that last months I've been feeling more bad than good, and that can never be a good sign. Oh and now I feel so guilty for making this thread and asking for help and assistance.. should I feel that way or is it ok to ask for help? =/

shygrneyzs · Dec 27, 2007, 03:18 PM

Let her go. She obviously has different priorities than you. Partying and getting drunk is one of them. Her behavior is out of control and you are not the one who is going to bring her back into some manner of control. Only she can do that for herself. You asking her will not do the trick here. She made need an intervention, she may need alcohol counseling, she may need rehab and follow up therapy, along with Alcoholics Anonymous. But she has to be the one to see it as necessary for her health and for her well being.

You two are not well matched at all. If you continue with her, it will be misery for you both. You for being in that relationship and feeling helpless and angry and suspicious and her, for you being there.

Do not allow this to develop into a co-dependent relationship. That is sadly the way of many relationships involving an alcoholic and a non alcoholic. You cannot fix her, cannot take responsibility for her, cannot make her do what she does not want to do and cannot shield her from her consequences.

Read more about that kind of unhealthy relationship -
codependency - Google Search

Take back your life and you become healthy.

CrazyDaisyLou · Dec 27, 2007, 03:26 PM

It's always ok to ask for help, never feel bad about that. Everyone needs help at some point. If I were you, I would try talking to her and I would tell her exactly how I feel about it, and tell her that if she can't stop partying for my sake, then that's that and I'm outta here. Who we think is perfect for us isn't always the one that is perfect for us.

stonewilder · Dec 27, 2007, 03:29 PM

Sounds like you'd be better off just letting her go.

little firefly · Dec 27, 2007, 03:35 PM

Hi Craig,
no, you shouldn't feel guilty about asking for help. Sometimes we all need other people to help us to make tough decisions in life.

First of all for your gf to say that she can only have a good time by getting drunk, sometimes to the point of barely standing, sounds to me like she has a real problem. I'm not opposed to social drinking (i do it myself) but she sounds out of control. She really needs some help with this or she could end up hurting herself or someone else.

The question you need to ask yourself is whether or not this is the type of person you want to have in your life. She dosen't seem to care how this makes you feel. If you aren't enjoying your relationship and are feeling bad about things then that should be a sign telling you what you may need to do. Relationships should make you feel good, not constantly stressed out, and if that's how you're feeling then this girl is probably not the one for you.

Of course this is just my opinion. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

EuRa · Dec 27, 2007, 03:35 PM

Sounds like there is no trust. If you can't trust her, a relationship with her will be difficult.

If you dump her, maybe she'll come around and stop drinking, and go out of her way to get you back. You should play it cool, not giving in until you feel you are ready, if ever. Even ask for space/time if you need it.

Also, being that you are 20 and she 18, you guys are going through a tremendous change in your lives. I was 18 and 20. The girls I was with then are VASTLY DIFFERENT than the ones I want today at 27.

So if you stay with her, it'll hurt and hurt and keep hurting until she breaks it off with you. Or you could break it off with her, hurt MORE, but for a lot less time, AND you'd have the upper hand. If you break up with her, then call her or her friends and constantly annoy her, she'll have the upper hand again, so don't do that. If you really do break up with her, be STRONG, have a PLAN before you do it (people to call for support, family, etc), and go through with it fully. if you can be honest with yourself, you will succeed.

Craig80 · Dec 27, 2007, 03:35 PM

Thank you very much for the quick replies!
The thing is, alcoholic is a kind of harsh word to use because she is just like any of the other outgoing "party teenagers" if you see my point :/

I've never seen her pass out or something like that but she still obviously loves to drink more than moderately and it's hurting me. You could compare her to many partying girls and she's just one of them.. but I can't really stand it.

About Co-dependency, what is it? Am I codependent cause I've developed a troubled mind about if/when she's partying and because I worry all the time?

N0help4u · Dec 27, 2007, 03:38 PM