Hey,

It feels kinda weird to come here for help and advice but you guys are my last hope.
I've already tried talking to my family and some friends but whatever answers and advice they've given me have been partial and I feel that I need you guys perspectives and views of it all.

Me (20 yrs old) and my girlfriend (18 yrs old) has been a couple for almost 8 months now and the first 6 months were almost perfect, I had been waiting to meet someone like her for a long time and I was really happy. I'm doing everything for her, I'm always the one calling, I'm the one taking the initiative to meet, I feel like I'm the one investing everything in our relationship, she just takes me for granted and goes along with the ride - having me whenever she wants but still studying last year and meeting friends etc. She's got nothing to lose if this ends, except for me.. if she even cares for me anymore..

Now I have a real serious problem here - we argue often about her partying, I'll try to make this short and easy to understand.

She told me in the beginning of our relationship that her past relationship ended 2 years ago because she cheated with another guy on a party.

The truth is she got so drunk she got "crazy" and slept with someone. Now this hurt me like hell to hear about (and still kills me btw..) but who am I to judge her for something that is of the past.

Anyway, this made me act in such a way that whenever she wanted to go out during the first months of our relationship I got sad, jealous and very very very worried that she would do the same thing to me - this made her take the decision to stay away from partying and getting drunk just because she loved me and didn't want to see me hurt.

Now the problem has escalated - She came clean to me 2 months ago saying that "I can't stand this anymore - I DO love getting drunk and yes, partying to me is getting very drunk, I'm not having fun otherwise, and I won't let your worrying stop me from going out, having fun and yes, even getting so drunk I can barely stand on my feet, cause it shouldn't bother you."

Now that stuff really hurt me - I mean.. when I know what she has done before, how can I ever trust her that she wont do it again?

The conditions are exactly the same - she parties every 1-3 weeks out of 4 and she loves to drink loads and go crazy.

I CAN have fun without drinking loads and I feel that my future girlfriend that I try to build a relationship with should AT LEAST have the decency and respect that she stays away doing the exact same thing she did last time she cheated, this is killing me, lately I have barely even been able to enjoy our relationship cause I'm worried SICK that it will happen again. It's like Russian roulette, 6 times out of 7 it's OK but what about that seventh time..? Whatever she tells me I know she's surrounded by guys in parties and on dance floors and to me, drinking so much that you can barely speak and almost passes out NEVER is healthy and can (and probably will sooner or later) lead to actions that aren't controllable and that will be regretted later on. (cheating etc.. maybe even getting physically hurt)

Some friends tell me to talk to her, some tell me to break up with her because it's a no-no and I WILL get hurt, what do you say?

All I can say is that last months I've been feeling more bad than good, and that can never be a good sign. Oh and now I feel so guilty for making this thread and asking for help and assistance.. should I feel that way or is it ok to ask for help? =/

simoneaugie

Getting drunk is not normal. Getting sick after 2-3 drinks in an hour or so, is normal. Partying and drinking are normal, if you honor your partner and have no more than 1oz of alcohol per hour. I know, there are many "problem drinkers" around, those who drink too much but are able to quit when life offers other benefits.

This girl is not a problem drinker, she has a problem dealing with life sober. She is very likely an alcoholic. She is probably a sex addict too. RUN! You deserve better.

kirriky

I think this partying/drinking is a stage most people grow out of. Happened to me, happened to my friends. Takes you a couple of embarassing moments to realise how stupid you act when drunk. Or you just get bored and switch to other activities. But at 18, that's still a couple years away.

Point is, she won't listen to you. Not now. You said it yourself - she doesn't seem to care for this relationship too much. She's probably in the 'clubbing and enjoying life' phase. If you keep nagging her about it, she'll think you're controlling and insecure. So if it's really bothering you, just let her go.

And concerning the cheating... If you don't trust her and are paranoid about her getting off with someone - be in on the dancefloor, in the park or at school - there's no way out and it's best to just leave it. Once you start suspecting your partner of cheating at every corner, I don't think there's a way out. You get angry, she gets angry, nothing is ever the same.

Craig80

Thanks for all the answers!

I can relate to this answer a lot, with all do respect for everyone else I must say that she most likely isn't turning an alcoholic but just as In A State says she hasn't grown up yet and I have.

I exaggerated her drinking a bit, I've never seen her pass out or anything but I simply don't want a girlfriend who cannot take it easy while drinking.. I think 2-3 units of alcohol (beer, wine, whatever) is enough for one night seeing as she's actually not single anymore and in a relationship you should have some limits to how drunk you allow the other one to get at parties, at least I do, and that's probably why it wont work out because I can't have a girlfriend who disagrees with that.

You all probably know how people of 16-20 age (and older of course) can drink, "party" and do stupid stuff, it's what many (single) people do during weekends and it's what they talk about in school the next days, she's just like any of those millions of party people that acts like that and that makes her really.. incompatible with me and my life because I can't trust someone like that when in a committed relationship. I seriously don't think it's appropriate to party a lot when you're not even single (when she knows how difficult I think the whole situation is and how it makes me jealous and worried).


I will talk to her as soon as I have the guts, if she don't agree with me on the terms that
1. She can't go out and just "get really drunk cause it's more fun" when she's in a relationship with me and
2. She does not have to go to parties every month just because they exist and because she wants to meet friends, cause I think she can meet friends in other ways as well.

If she doesn't agree with me then I can not see a future with her.

So the point was pretty much that she goes out just as anyone else would do but in our relationship it doesn't work, so please no more of the "alcoholic" talk, that's not really the problem, the problem for us is trust and how she still hasn't grown away from the 'teenage-rebel-party girl' stage but yet wants to be in a relationship with me, like eating the cookie and still keeping it


What about you other guys, how many times a months does your gfs/bfs go out and how much do they drink?
How much do you allow your partner to drink and party?
Surely the answers will be very different from couple to couple but am I obsessive just because I can't trust someone who's drinking more than myself?

Craig80

Sadly you really hit the spot there, this is exactly our problem.. damn

I have:
nagged and nagged about partying and she replies with "I want to enjoy life, I'm still young!"
I say: but you've done it before, how can I trust you when you're drunk, you can't think clear when in that state and you might do mistakes!
Her: No, I'm the same girl when I party, no different, you must trust me more.

and I just can't buy that! how can someone drunk be "just the same"?


About my concern of cheating.. now that makes me feel even worse and more guilty..
I wanna be able to trust her but there's something blocking it.. It's like I simply can't..
I don't want to be like that in future relationships too! Please tell me there's nothing wrong with me..

talaniman

You hit on something we seldom talk about here. COMPATIBILITY, we can be in all the love we want, but if we are not together on the big main points, we are not compatible, and there is no point thinking we can change someone to fit our own ideas. So comes the real choice, give up our ideas, or give up the partner.

ConfusedandLost

Talaniman nailed it right on the head. It looks like you are clearly head over heals for this woman as I am sure that she loves you to. But she unfortunately has you ranked fairly low on her priority list. It also looks like you are trying to make the two of you compatible, which is not fair to you one bit. I have been there with a woman of the same nature. The best thing I did was to walk away, it's not going to be easy at all. Now, 4 years later her and I are friends and she saw all of the pain she put me through........you have to remember one thing. You cannot change her at all, she has to see what she has done and is doing and someday change on her own........time is the only thing that you have.

in a state

Well...my last relationship was with a drug addict.i don't mean hard stuff,but still,pot all day every day.i did not agree.Long story short (if you'll read my thread you'll get the bigger picture),he eventually dumped me and that's how i ended up here.he also was sweet and said that he loved me and promised things but look what happened.
What i've learned from this is that you CANNOT trust immature people whose judgement is affected by stimulants like alcohol or drugs,anything that can alter the mood and the way of thinking,because,if under the influence so often,they really change for the worse.
If in normal situations you can't always predict what the other is thinking,you definately cannot tell with somebody who is not ...in his(her) right mind,so to say.

oh,and another thing.there is a saying ''you won't escape from your worst fear''.
so,you'd better try,slowly but surely,to get yourself disconnected from the feelings you have for her now,because if she will eventually hurt you (even more) by cheating or anything of that nature,i mean your worst fear,you will have trust issues in your next relationships.
only because of a wild child.

asking

People can only advise you based on what you tell them. If you are trying to make her sound worse than she is, what was the point of that? To get people here to dump on her for you? It worked, but it doesn't help you or her.


I think that's your problem right there--that you can't have a girlfriend who disagrees with you makes you sound very controlling! No wonder she's rebelling against you, as if you were her father or something.


You already tried that, remember? It didn't work. I think you should do yourself a favor and her as well and just walk away, stop trying to control her. If she has a problem, she needs to deal with it herself, not in reaction against you.

You already KNOW she doesn't agree with you. Why try to force her to say she agrees with you when you know she doesn't? This is just a bizarre thing to say.


No. You are obsessive because you are trying to control another person and you will never succeed completely, not with this woman and not with the next one either. There will always be something that you don't agree on. I think you should let go of the idea that your partner needs to agree with you and that you get to decide what they are "allowed" to do. Your attempts to control her may actually be making her want to drink more. Sounds like a bad dynamic to me.

nicespringgirl

I personally think that you have done the best you can to tolerate her, I'd run with my maximum speed...but it's just me.

Ash123

Please look over the relationship guide/link in my signature below.

How many can you say yes to??