I was just wondring, i may have done something dumb today
i e-mailed an msn news story simultaneoulsy to 3 people incuding,the X whom i have not been in contact for many months now.
Thing is he told me before he doesnt check that e-mail account regularly, but i'm sure when he logs in he'll see my name,along with that story and w/other friends e-addresses.
did i actually break NC and in need of walk around with the Scarlet letter
for breaking NC?
I was actually going to send that multiple e-mail after the presidential election and this is the first time i've done this, i wont do this anymore.
I bow my head in shame,now one of my friends in the e-mail is readin gme the riot act for doing that,and rightly so.


What do I do,? anyones opinion? advice,incuding bringingthe scarlet paint so i can hold up like hester Prynne?
feel awful

DrJ

Not to lump you in with the majority of people... or can I even say "girls", but typically when there is a situation like this (abusive boyfriend, abrupt ending, caring girlfriend, etc.) they recommend NC.. that is because love can be a tricky thing. We may know that a certain someone isn't right for us but we still have these strong feelings deep down for them, regardless of how they treated us. So making contact can be tricky. I have to admit, I have re-hooked up with a few girls with the original intent of just becoming friends. But, in the wrong place and the wrong time, those old feelings can become overwhelming.

So what I mean about not giving in to them is exactly that. I dont know how old you are or if you were sexually active with him or even close but you will want to be aware of that. It can be easy to suddenly desire that again. We, as humans, typically have a strong desire to be loved, held, cared for... which is why you see so many people that stay in abusive relationships.

And closure is a big thing. It seems apparent that the lack of closure is eating at you a bit on the inside. Closure usually requires confrontation.. confrontation requires strength... strength requires mental awareness. You need to be aware of the situation with him, with yourself, with your future and your intentions so that you can be strong enough to confront him and gain closure on the situation.

This is coming from a male perspective and something that I strive for in my own life. Proceed with caution and do ready for things to not go right. Even though this is still how I approach these situations, I have had plenty of bad experiences from it. But I am not afraid to fall... and neither should you be

vivia12

i apreciate your guy perspective,really but one question,you say closure requires strength,and awareness,well how do i get that if i'm not in contact w/him or he' not contacting me?
lol, i should send another chain email with yahoo news of the day and btw x youre a jerk, anyone who agrees say I.
but either than that, i' m not sure how to do, this unless i break NC.Also you said i should be strong when/if confronation happens,
i dont doubt he'll come back w/more insultshis was more of an emotional attachment,didnt get busy w/him,he lives far away
BRKstatiff, the reasoni'm worried about it because i think broke NC after all these months I didnt expect any replies

DrJ

Are you asking how you get closure or how you get strength/awareness... if youre not in contact with him?

first, you shouldn't rely on him, or anyone else for that matter, to gain strength or awareness. That comes from within. You need to deal with the things, whether good or bad, inside yourself in order to find out where you stand. If you don't feel that you are strong enough yet to confront him, then dont. It is kind of like rehab. A lot of places tell you to just stay away from your addiction forever... that way you wont ever make the mistake of doing whatever it is again. But REAL rehab will teach you to overcome your addiction.. to gain the strength you need to be able to say no, not matter the time or place. Once you have this kind of strength, this kind of conviction, you can walk thru life fearless... you wont be afraid of running into him at the store or somewhere worse.. because you now possess the power to overcome whatever hold he had on you originally.

haha... if you do, I better be on that chain! lol


NC is not an infinite rule. Eventually, everyone will have to give it up... eventually. We cannot go around for the rest of our lives worried about breaking NC with every ex we have ever had. I live in a small town where that isnt even possible!

NC is only needed for as long as it takes you to gain that conviction I mentioned above. Once you are in full control over yourself once again, who cares if you break NC??

MsJulia

Quick question. What does NC mean?

vivia12

hi ma Julia,
it means no contact, the rule i dont contact your ex,especially after they give the shaft, try your best keep away from them.

Dr. Jizzle, i like your name-

So you mean,once i feel better,contact him and let him have it? in a way wouldnt that mean that i'm still bothered by him
what really bugs me is the fact he didnt make an effort to contact me at all,
so trying to contact him i feel,maybe now..is sort of chasing after him
maybe that mail i sent,was my half hearted attempt to contact him
but its true, i was in addicted to him or let him have ahold on me,
thats why i panicked even after i did that chain mail,
imagine if i sent one to him dirextly, i know i'll feel awful
cuz in a sense,he ditched me treated me like a Creole plantation house slave
with his verbal abuse,here i'm back going for more
i really would like to have the last word one day, maybe one day it will happen
but then i'd have to ctually get in touch with him if thats what you are really suggest
you make it sound so easy,haha.
I appreciate what you said about aquiring the strength within,so true
sure i'll count you in if i do send that chain mail letting him know he's a jerk,and if everyone agrees,just kidding, woulnt do that.

DrJ

a Creole plantation house slave?? hahhaha Who ARE you??

no, I dont mean to suggest that you make any attempts to contact him. And if you do, do NOT try to "let him have it" ...that would only show him that he still has something over you. But from the sounds of it, he may not even be worth retaining a friendship for, as I had previously suggested.

From here, it sounds like its best to let it go. He is deleted from your address book so no more mishaps. That part of you that still wants to let him have it will be best satisfied when he happens to run into you, only to see that you have moved on and are a better person for it... and you no longer want/need/desire ANYTHING from him.

Be careful tho, because this is where he will try to reconnect with you. But you are too powerful to let that happen so you would simply brush him off and go about your business... as he sits there and watches you walk away lol

BMI

Oh Vivia.

I too considered sending a chain mail to an ex, i figured she would think I just sent it to everyone without thinking. The real reason was to get her attention and find out that if she did want to speak to me now is her chance.

Your just as guilty as I was. Also, your write up suggests youare still harboring some deep resentment and need this guy to miss you.

I know it sounds harsh but reality is important, HE did not attempt this with you, he attempted nothing. Means he may well have moved on to life post-you. If he does miss you he certainly has not deceided to act upon it like you have.

Best case is he ignores or does not see it. I really do not think your ready for contact with him, this has been quite some time over this guy no?

Don;t feel too bad, obviously I andothers did it too. However, your hunting this guy to have him admit he misses you or something and no proof exists that he does.

Hope it helps.

HistorianChick

I agree with the above posters, delete his contact information from your email address book. That way you won't make this mistake in the future.

Pass this off as an "oops." Don't dwell on it. Don't try to explain it to him or "hack into his account"... it was a simple mistake.

Keep moving forward!

vivia12

My oh mY!
BMI and Historian Chick!
where on earth have you been??
see,what happens when i dont hear from both of you?
Thanks for the input and advice,and thanks for sharing that you (BMI) did the same things too.
Alo youre right Histchick, i should definately not attempt to do this again

Dr. J,
i knew you'd like that, creole plantation slave,
i study antebellum history and live in New orleans, and i am Creole descent.
the plantation creole house slaves are the ones who always get slapped by their mistresses,and treated like dirt ,usually if/when their mistress get jealous. Due to the fct their ,the mistresses,husbands are always hitting on them.
i just made that analogy, because thats how i feel, as if someone slapped me and treated me as if i dont count like he did.
i'm hoping for the day that our paths will cross, but he lives in another country/planet it seems. both people tell me, i il hear from him,even if its indirectly,
thats after i put that voodoo hex on him,j.kidding
but thats where my test begins, i have to stop hoping to ever hear from him and BMI is right, he made no effort at all
he can go on as if i dont exist fine. Maybe one day i will get the last word,and perhaps by then i wont care
have you ever had this happen to you Dr,J? thats my name for you if you dont mind.

HistorianChick

Aww... I've been here... just not as "present" as I would like. Its been a rough few months.

Be strong, Viva, dear. You can do this. Remember, its all a mental struggle. You can "wash that man right out of your hair" (you tube that song and watch it! Its from the musical South Pacific)....

Much, much luck to you!