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-   -   Seeing your ex with their new partner OUCH (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=186497)

  • Feb 21, 2008, 01:05 AM
    eruditemargaret9
    Seeing your ex with their new partner OUCH
    Have you ever been rejected by someone only to heal then walk down the street and see them with their new partner? I live near my ex and keep seeing him at public events--we go to school together--with his new girlfriend.

    I want to strangle him because he said we couldn't work because he needed to be alone (! )
    I want to confront him because I feel angry beyond words
    I can't even look at them because I feel sick to my stomach
    I want to act like I don't care... I want to nonchalantly approach him and prove that I am not remotely disturbed but most of all--it hurts so badly. I feel like someone just kicked me in the stomach. How, how do you get over this? We are required to go to a number of events for a class so avoiding him is impossible. I have no idea what to do--I end up feeling like every time, esp right after getting myself confidence back up to normal.
  • Feb 21, 2008, 01:34 AM
    needofhelp
    I've been there. I saw my ex with new guys, and it felt exactly the way you described it. It hurts, but it also helped me in a way to move on. It was kick by reality.

    Someone shared this with me before.
    "If you see your ex with someone, it has no bearing on your character or worth. It just shows how weak that other person is."
    The feelings you have are normal, and the good thing is that you will hurt less and less. You're a much stronger person than he is. You can focus your energy on new hobbies, hit the gym, volunteer, etc. There's a list on this forum on what to do after a break up. Its helpful. Everyone has his or her own way of coping.

    From the sounds of things, you might be in college? If so, you're young and think about how you would feel 5 or even a year from now. You're going to look back laugh, and ask yourself, why were you so wrapped up in him.

    Stay strong. You are not the only person to feel the way you do, that feeling doesn't stay around for long. Things will get better. You will be surprised to see your inner strength.
  • Feb 21, 2008, 01:55 AM
    deeva28
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by eruditemargaret9
    Have you ever been rejected by someone only to heal then walk down the street and see them with their new partner? I live near my ex and keep seeing him at public events--we go to school together--with his new girlfriend.

    I want to strangle him because he said we couldn't work because he needed to be alone (!?)
    I want to confront him because I feel angry beyond words
    I can't even look at them because I feel sick to my stomach
    I want to act like I don't care...I want to nonchalantly approach him and prove that I am not remotely disturbed but most of all--it hurts so badly. I feel like someone just kicked me in the stomach. How, how do you get over this? We are required to go to a number of events for a class so avoiding him is impossible. I have no idea what to do--I end up feeling like every time, esp right after getting my self confidence back up to normal.

    Been there before. For me, I just took my feelings off my sleeve and kept it pushing. Now, this may not work for you. You may have to just think about the fact that he must not be the person for you. My father once told me that if you love something to let it go and if it comes back then it was meant for you two to be together. I know that it is hard for you, but maybe you should take some of the energy that you are putting into him and his new mate into something else. Write in a journal to keep your feelings in check. Quit trying so hard to forget him and move on because it will only make you miss him more. In time, you won't feel like you are sick and about to die.
  • Feb 21, 2008, 02:36 AM
    starbuck8
    I have been there too (more than once) and it SUCKS doesn't it? Try and surround yourself with friends that support you and bring you up. When you see your ex or his new g/f, bite your lip no matter how hard it is, and smile like you didn't even notice them, and try to make it seem like you're having the time of your life. I'm sure your friends all know how hurt you are, so have some kind of a "code word" that you say to each other that makes you laugh like crazy to show them you are happy and having a good time. Don't ever let them "see you sweat". It will confuse them to see you happy!

    And then when you have an "out" sneak away and scream like hell and try and remember things that really bugged you about him. Write some letters telling him what a jerk he is... write some to the new g/f about the things about her that you can't stand. (DONT SEND THEM)

    Don't confront him, (or her) it will only give him the upper-hand... which he doesn't deserve because he didn't tell you the truth. When a man tells you he just "needs his space" or "needs time alone to think", he is usually working on his next in line. Take a little peace in knowing that he will probably end up saying the same thing to the new g/f too,. and keep on reminding yourself that you WILL find someone that says... I NEED SOME TIME ALONE... WITH YOU!

    I know it's a really hard thing to go through and feel like it's getting thrown in your face, but the more confident you look, the more he will see what a mistake he made, and if he happens to come back around?. tell him "you need some time alone!", and you'll get back to him on that.

    Good luck and don't worry... it does get easier, and in awhile you will really wonder what the heck you saw in him in the first place :)
  • Feb 21, 2008, 02:43 AM
    jeffatl
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by eruditemargaret9
    Have you ever been rejected by someone only to heal then walk down the street and see them with their new partner? I live near my ex and keep seeing him at public events--we go to school together--with his new girlfriend.

    I want to strangle him because he said we couldn't work because he needed to be alone (!?)
    I want to confront him because I feel angry beyond words
    I can't even look at them because I feel sick to my stomach
    I want to act like I don't care...I want to nonchalantly approach him and prove that I am not remotely disturbed but most of all--it hurts so badly. I feel like someone just kicked me in the stomach. How, how do you get over this? We are required to go to a number of events for a class so avoiding him is impossible. I have no idea what to do--I end up feeling like every time, esp right after getting my self confidence back up to normal.


    WOW! This brings back A lot for me! Honestly, the best thing you can do is just let it go. The WORST feeling in the wirld is hating someone that you used to love... I can TOTALLY relate. Your confidence won't get back to normal until you are just able to forgive him, and I know that sounds stupid... but ot's true!

    I don't think anything compares to the hatred you can have for someone you used to love, but that's life I guess. A lot of people dwell on these feelings inb order to help them get through the hard times that follow a tuff break-up, but a lot or time is just makes things worse.

    Nothing anyone (including him) can say will make things "ok", so don't try and rationalize his actions. Let go, and focus on you for a change.
  • Feb 21, 2008, 03:04 AM
    nicki143
    Had that one on saw him out of the blue in the shopping centre it hurt with new partner. But he looked happy and if you love someone isn't it better to see them happy then miserable.
  • Feb 21, 2008, 10:34 AM
    eruditemargaret9
    From the sounds of things, you might be in college? If so, you're young and think about how you would feel 5 or even a year from now. You're going to look back laugh, and ask yourself, why were you so wrapped up in him.

    We're in graduate school, in our late twenties so time feels like it's running out and I'll look back at this when I'm in my thirties! In any case, thank you for your kind words. If I read them 20 times a day I should be all right
  • Feb 21, 2008, 10:47 AM
    BMI
    The situation is possibly the worst situation that can happen post breakup, save being cheated on.

    One of my ex's showed up at a hang-out of mine on Valentines Day, not this past one mind you but still. It stung, worse still she did it on purpose.

    With that being said I must respectfully disagree with the poster that wrote that the other half is weak. Seems to me a lot of threads lately like to depict the ex as a weak, selfish, un-caring, ogre of a person. I think that is done to make one feel better.

    If I were in a mall (a quite common place for one to go) with a girl and an ex saw me I would not think I'm doing anything wrong, nor if the situation were reversed. Unless of course they do it on purpose, then its different.

    I believe the exact quote is as follows "If you see your ex with someone, it has no bearing on your character or worth. It just shows how weak that other person is."

    If it has no bearing on your character how can you say it has any bearing on theirs? I, for one, donot subscribe to villifying ex's in order for myself to feel better. After all, you did like them, many still do. Wish them the best and fix what caused these feeling in the first place, where they go, whom they date, what they say is there business, not yours (ours)

    It's a general comment across the board, not aimed at one person.
  • Feb 21, 2008, 10:51 AM
    eruditemargaret9
    [QUOTE=BMI]The situation is possibly the worst situation that can happen post breakup, save being cheated on.

    Oh it gets better--I WAS cheated on BY him. And then got to see him with his OTHER new girlfriend in addition to seeing pictures of the OTHER girl he screwed before and lied about. YAY!

    But thank you for your words:)
  • Feb 21, 2008, 10:52 AM
    Romefalls19
    Yea, I have to admit I have things pretty rough as I have to see my ex with her new guy at work 2-3 times a week. Then coworkers constantly asking about how I'm doing. I just don't let it show it bothers me in front of her, won't give her the satisfaction. But I should be able to quit that part time job soon
  • Feb 21, 2008, 10:59 AM
    eruditemargaret9
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by nicki143
    Had that one on saw him out of the blue in the shopping centre it hurt with new partner. but he looked happy and if you love someone aint it better to see them happy then miserable.

    There is a contingent--IF you LOVE someone. In my case, since he cheated and lied I would have to say NO I don't love him. But I have found it is pointless to criminalize your ex just to make yourself feel better. Of course they will go on and date other people--I just don't want to see it! But that's life...
  • Feb 21, 2008, 11:10 AM
    BMI
    Ouch! You definitely got a raw deal seeing all of that. Nice to hear you have a good perspective on it though.
  • Feb 21, 2008, 11:19 AM
    duck22
    I can only imagine how much it would suck to walk into your ex and there new bf/gf. I avoid where my ex and her new guy might be for two reasons. One I will definitely be set back and end up angry or upset. Two, I would have to try my best not to kick this guys a**. I know that this sounds immature, but this guy is a prick and in my eyes I believe it would be justified.

    Ive seen pictures of my ex and her new boytoy. I do not know what she sees him but if she is happy then whatever. It set me back some but I find consolation knowing that he is less then me in almost every aspect. She will realize that but when she does it will already be too late. I am hurt now but down the road she will be the one that feels the pain when she realizes what she had lost. I set the bar pretty high so she's going to have a tough time finding somebody like me. The more I accept the fact that she is not the one for me and the better I feel.
  • Feb 21, 2008, 11:23 AM
    eruditemargaret9
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by duck22

    Ive seen pictures of my ex and her new boytoy. I find consolation knowing that this guy is less then me in almost every aspect. I do not know what she sees in him but I do know that although I am hurt now, she will be the one regretting breaking up. I am accepting the fact that my ex is not the person for me and that makes it easier to let go.

    As I said, avoiding him is impossible since we are in the same program AND neighborhood. Eeek! Isn't it funny that our ex's end up with people that are actually less attractive and successful than us? It's so bizarre but oh well...
  • Feb 21, 2008, 11:36 AM
    Romefalls19
    I agree Erudite... My ex is now dating a 24 year old, no college education, works full-time as a bookkeeper for ShopRite(making 11.45 an hour.. Which is what I make there part time), is over weight, does nothing but drink beer, play videogames and messes with his Scion TC(girl car, they have matching cars) Meanwhile I'm 21, graduated college, working as a computer admin, in shape, goes to the gym almost every day, has a life, and works 2 jobs... So I just laugh about it, because when she finally realizes what she lost, hopefully I will be way over it
  • Feb 21, 2008, 11:44 AM
    starbuck8
    I sure know how you feel because this has happened to me more times than I will say in a few different relationships... pictures and all. The first time was many yrs ago, but I do remember how much it hurt. I found out from a friend (and the whole group of "friends" knew) that my (ex) husband was pretending to go off to work, when in fact he was calling in sick, and would bring the g/f to my home after I went to work and they would spend the day in OUR bed.

    When I confronted him with it, he called the g/f and she pulled up in her bright red car, honking and waving at me as my husband packed his suitcases. Then to make matters worse, they would find out where I would be and they would be there every time. The new g/f and her friends even cornered me in the bathroom one time and tried to fight me, and the g/f slapped me in the face and told me to stay away from HER b/f. He was MY husband! Silly games.
    Anyway, it took quite sometime to get over it... but when I did, I REALLY did! If I passed him on the street today, I'm not so sure I would even recognise him.

    So try your best to forget about him... he's a cheater and a liar, and would've only made your life miserable in the long run. You wouldn't have been able to trust him anyway. Hopefully you'll pass him on the street one day and think to yourself... hmmm, I think I know that guy... and then keep moving!
  • Feb 21, 2008, 11:55 AM
    eruditemargaret9
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by starbuck8

    So try your best to forget about him...he's a cheater and a liar, and would've only made your life miserable in the long run. You wouldn't have been able to trust him anyway. Hopefully you'll pass him on the street one day and think to yourself...hmmm, i think i know that guy...and then keep movin!!

    Great answer and thank you. The being cheated on thing needs its own posting in itself but am just trying to deal with one thing at a time. I am so sorry for what happened with you--funny how you were "cheating" on that girl's boyfriend with your um husband?
  • Feb 21, 2008, 12:00 PM
    starbuck8
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by eruditemargaret9
    Great answer and thank you. The being cheated on thing needs its own posting in itself but am just trying to deal with one thing at a time. I am so sorry for what happened with you--funny how you were "cheating" on that girl's boyfriend with your um husband?!

    Yes, how Ironic that was hey? Wonder how she figured THAT in her little blonde empty head? Lol. Oh well, he ended up marrying her and she cheated on him... now that's irony!. and funny. Karma sucks! Haha

    Good luck to you without him! :)
  • Feb 21, 2008, 02:00 PM
    anamia
    My ex told me he was about to get engaged. I honestly couldn't breathe. It was horrible. I think that we always wonder what might have been. Seeing an ex in person - with someone else... it makes you feel so very replaceable. That is what hurts more than anything. I think we all like to have the idea that he is out there, miserable, desperate that he is not with us... but guys are just like us... eventually... you just have to move on.

    Thankfully my ex didn't go through with the engagement... but even after that, every time I saw him out or he even mentioned a new girl on the phone, I felt like I died a little. Once you have a history with someone, there will always be some kind of feeling there - even when we don't want to own up to them.
  • Feb 21, 2008, 03:24 PM
    talaniman
    Talanirule-When confronted with ex, and new flame - smile, wave, keep moving, "Never let 'em see you sweat".

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